Texts From the Underworld

(647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

(518): You need to stop showing people the things I drunk-text to you… I have a reputation to uphold here.

(217): Do it break your family into faction start a civil war.

(1-347): Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.

(954): Thank god dogs can't talk. they see way too much.

(845): You know what's depressing? A picture of an owl without a graduation cap

(816): Well one of us has to be wrong and it’s not going to be me

(801): Threesomes are not as fun as you’d think. I left with a black eye and I’m not sure who’s to blame.

(719): Hahaha idk what’s worse your life or my hangover.

(661): Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?

(402): I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what ‘coitus’ was. This was not in my job description.

(410): Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot

(919): Someone needs to name a hurricane after you.

(832): Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it

(307): Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?

(409): Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it’s happening? Like that can’t be normal

(631): Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat