come die with us

Josee: In the pub, Jacques is shouting at the Olympics channel, "Yeah! Kill that motherfucker!" Josee: We're watching figure skating.

Bowie, to Raj: Babe, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth? Raj: Yeah? Bowie: I'm sitting right next to you.

Gwen to Courtney during All-Stars: I will replace your cream cheese. There's enough for breakfast. I had guests, we wanted bagels so bad, I'm sorry. I left you notes. I love you. You have enough for a bagel or two and I will get you more. You are so pretty.

Alejandro, to Jose: Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Chef: Harold just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better... Chef: I gave it an A+.

Noah: I find it simply astounding you spelled 'drunken' wrong but 'pterodactyl' right.

Anyone outside of Total Dramarama Daycare: I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a Big Wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Duncan: I just punched Chris McLean in the balls. I have photos.

Owen: Oh shit, let me call you back, there's a hamburger in my pocket.

Ripper: The ticket read 'found nude in a tree'.

DJ: So I guess Chef went into the kitchen and asked me why I was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently I yelled at him to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life."

Priya, to Nichelle: Rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them.

Geoff: I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet. Brody: I just did a slip and slide down the hallway of my apartment building. Geoff: Tie.

MacArthur: Some guy shouted "fuck America" during the national anthem, I decked him. They threw him out. USA, USA, USA!

Gwen: The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

Chet: Just saw Lorenzo walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.