...a lot like a good memory...

~*~*~*~*~

This assignment had been nothing but trouble and this day had brought another string of spectacular failures to the proceedings. She had just a moment to be alone and she retreated to the giant troop transport she had been using as a makeshift base during her time on this mission. She had nothing but suspicions about the soldiers who had arrived, disguised as simulation troopers. They were incompetent and inefficient, but they knew something. It didn’t take much thinking to realize that.

Whenever she felt overwhelmed or agitated, or simply felt like she needed to take a little time to disconnect from her surroundings and recharge for a moment, she would close her eyes and meditate on the water. She had always loved the water. She had grown up on the shore of Lake Michigan, in the cool woods of Wisconsin; back in her high school days, she used to go out in the kayak when she felt contemplative. So when these moments came, that’s where she retreated to in her mind. She closed her and took a few slow breaths, bringing up the image of the ripples on the water—for some reason that’s what always came first, the ghostly image of ripples that slipped across the surface of the water and bumped into each other, the influence of other ripples changing their shapes before they dissipated. Most of the time, as her mind drifted, it wouldn’t take too long before she could almost feel the pull of the paddle as it smoothly intersected with the water, the movement of her arms, muscles bunching and lengthening, propelling the craft forward, then the dip of the paddle as the other end lowered to break the silver surface of the lake.

How had she even sunk this low? This should have been a done deal on the very first day. Here it had been weeks. She’d never felt like a failure until she was recruited by the Project. That was the thing she had realized after it was too late; when you join a group of the elite among the elite, some people just aren’t going to be at the top. People like her, who were used to success, to excellence, being…well, not effortless, but it was attainable. Very much in her grasp.

It hadn’t been until she’d been admitted to the Freelancer Project that it all began to crumble. No matter what she did during training, she could never defeat enough of the other agents to be at the top. The fact that there were posted rankings at all…well, she wasn’t sure, but it may have been psyching her out. Causing her to choke. That was when she started these visualizations, hearkening back to a time when no one had to keep score to know that she was the best; she just was. No one had questioned it. There was no need to. But from then on it just seemed like the harder she tried, the more risks she took, the more desperately she wanted it, the worse things got.

And now, this fucking desert was even trying to take the water away from her.

He’s nothing but a shadow of himself, and convincing him to implant in the armor’s AI slot is like coaxing a few wisps of smoke to coalesce into some sort of shapeless whole. She can sense his confusion, his listlessness, which only seems to worsen as she makes her way off of the ship. 

That’s when she spots Maine, roughly throwing Carolina down like a rag doll. “No!” she cries. 

And Alpha explodes in agony. 

Tex whirls, forcing her physical body to move even as her concentration extends to him, grasping at his code as it shreds into incomprehension, filtering apart like sand through water, and she knows now she should have heeded his plea to let him rest. His shattered existence needed repair, not escape.

But of course, my soul being black as tar and full of angst and stuff, I start to apply real life logic to these scenarios.

And then stuff like this comes out.

~*~*~*~*~

She knew what had happened–she’d lived through it, after all, every agonizing second–but when she awakened in the dark, shivering because York had once again hogged the blanket, she passed her hand over her belly, touching gingerly at first; it was almost as if she had to affirm it, though she knew it was real. Her hand smoothed over the skin again, twice more, remembering how it had felt just a few days ago, a firm rise below her navel and the slight ache inside from the pressure of her growing womb.

The pregnancy had been an accident. She had been upset when she’d realized it, felt as if her body had betrayed her. She and York had gone through a long, long dance of allowing a relationship to blossom; after all that they had gone through, Carolina didn’t take that development lightly. Settling into an ordinary life was uncomfortable for her, and York respected that. She was upset, disappointed, irritated, to be frank, when she told him the news.

She hadn’t expected his reaction. They’d discussed this, after all, when they had finally decided to be together, and he had agreed that prevention was the only option. Oh, he tried to contain it, but York was never that good at hiding things. She hadn’t realized he actually wanted to have a child one day. Maybe he hadn’t quite known it either. But somehow…somehow, seeing the way he respected her grief at the situation, seeing how comforting he was as he rubbed her back and told her he’d support her no matter how she decided to deal with this, well, the whole idea started to grow on her. “Maybe the time isn’t right,” he told her. “But if we tried to choose, I don’t think we’d ever find a ‘right’ time. You know?”

And somehow, it grew on her. She’d never seen herself as a mother. Never really thought she’d ever anticipate holding an infant of her own. Maybe it was the hormones, but there was a growing sense of wonder at what her body was doing, and she knew she had accepted it. Maybe even started to look forward to it, though with trepidation. 

But that was all over now. It was funny, after everything that she’d done in the war, to find that a miscarriage was the most painful thing she’d ever experienced. She could still see the look in York’s eyes, fretting, yet distant, a look that was somehow haunted by shades of things she didn’t know. He held her hand and told her it wasn’t her fault, and she scowled and told him of course it wasn’t. Why was he fussing over her like that?

She should be happy about this, anyway. 

She reached over, yanked the blanket out from where York had rolled on it, and huddled underneath. She hadn’t expected to feel grief. She hadn’t expected to be so…disappointed. She definitely hadn’t expected to be so angry at her own body. 

She hadn’t expected her own reaction. 

Something about the darkness, the chill, the stark aloneness with her thoughts brought her heart to her throat. York didn’t know what she had decided to do. She didn’t intend to let him know, either. It wasn’t like she needed his permission. And one day, she might allow herself to get pregnant again. On her own terms instead of on accident. If she didn’t, well, York would be disappointed, but he would survive.

How To Live - a mix for those who are left

There’s just the two of them left in the end, and they have a lot to deal with as they make their last journey together. This is the story of how this came to be.

Felix becomes the dude you hire to deal with Locus when you literally cannot afford anyone else because you’re too goddamn poor. Locus is just REALLY annoyed that Felix keeps volunteering to get in his way, even if Felix is just like “SORRY DUDE GOTTA GET PAID” and so they are really familiar with eachother but its because Felix is poor as shit and can only make a living being pain in Locus’ neck. 

Guys I can’t stop drawing Felix.

Can’t Make You Bleed If I’m Alone - a Leonard/Allison mix

The story of a love that outlasted its bounds; the story of two who were always bound by a connection they didn’t understand. Tumultuous, the impact of it reverberated beyond the grave.

Tracklist:

Alison’s Starting To Happen - The Lemonheads // Girlshapedlovedrug - Gomez // The Good Witch Of The North - Everclear // Clocks - Coldplay // Arms - Christina Perri // With Me - Sum 41 // Mount Washington - Beth Orton // Consequence - The Notwist // Better Man - James Morrison // Fix You - Coldplay // Dizzy - Jimmy Eat World // All Fall Down - OneRepublic // When You’re Gone - Avril Lavigne // We Intertwined - The Hush Sound // I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing - Aerosmith // Stay Stay Stay - Taylor Swift // Letters From The Sky - Civil Twilight // Say You’ll Haunt Me - Stone Sour // Dreaming Wide Awake - Poets Of The Fall  // Until We Say Goodbye - Joe Satriani

[ listen on spotify ][ listen on youtube ][ liner notes ]

Fell on Black Days - a fan mix for Director Church

There is never only one turning point. For Leonard Church the darkness in his life came to penetrate his soul. But it wasn’t just something that happened to him. It was a choice. 

Tracklist:

I Grieve - Peter Gabriel // Fell On Black Days - Soundgarden // Fragments - Rocky Votolato // It’s Not Too Late - Shipping News // John The Determinist - Jeremy Messersmith // Memory Loss - This Will Destroy You // Bitter Sweet Symphony - The Verve // Fly Low  Carrion Crow - Two Gallants // //  Second Self-Portrait Series - Rachel’s //  Another You -  Of Mice And Men //  Still Here -  Digital Daggers //  The End Of The Line - Metallica //  Let It Die - Starset // The Unforgiven III - Metallica // The Living - Natalie Merchant

why does anyone let me use photoshop, part 3.