“Ah… clever duck,” one said with a bright smile

“Why thank you Simon,” he nodded

“You’re quite welcome Simon”

“Simon!” the shabby one blurted out, “I have a bit of a headache… can we get this over with so I can go to bed?” he paused, seeing the dower faces in the room. Smiling he scratched his head and added, “Not that spending this quality time with myself isn’t thrilling… I spent enough time with myself if you guys know whatImean?” he chuckled, wiggling his eyebrows,

“горячие Черт!,” the Simon besides him chuckled quietly, “Good one”

  “Nothing will get accomplished this way,” one Simon wearing a blue uniform commented flatly, “Let’s give each other code names or something”

“Indiana Jones!” they all yelled at once, throwing their hands in the air

“… this isn’t going to work is it?” the shabby Simon commented as he ruffled his coat

“I call Simon,” one of them laughed as he put his finger to his nose,

“OH!” another exclaimed as he quickly put a finger to his, “I- I… call… Mr. Simon?”

“Petrikov,” the shabby one said with a smirk as he flicked his nose with his thumb

There was a pause and then the shy fellow added, “Syoma,” as he lightly put his finger to the side of his nose,

“Syoma?” Petrikov inquired, quirking a brow, “Is that… Russian? You speak Russian?”

“Doesn’t… everyone?” he asked, suddenly feeling out of place,

“Ты не единственный,” the Simon in the blue uniform commented lightly, “But uh, yours sounds much better than mine”

“Oh, thank you,” Syoma smiled warmly at the compliment, his pointed teeth poking out from beneath his beard, “And you, friend? What do we call you?”

That Simon froze a bit. He scratched his beard and thought about it, thinking all the good ones were taken. A part of him considered maybe suggesting he could be Indiana Jones… but that would assuredly start a riot if he knew himself. After much deliberation and little thought he considered the nickname he’d been given at the facility. It was a horrible nickname sure, but given he had executed advice on Bubblegum to take pride he thought perhaps it wouldn’t hurt. And he doubted his other selves would use it in the same connotation as the people in the facility.

“Uuuum… Ice Man?” he tested the name hesitantly, lightly tucking his head in his shoulders. There was a pause and then Petrikov exploded in laughter,

“L- like the X-Man!?” his chuckles died down as he noticed his other self was becoming slightly withdrawn, “Oh… chill out man, if that’s what you want us to call you”

“Well the decent names were taken,” Ice Man grumbled, “What am I supposed to call myself?”

“How about Jack Frost?” Simon chimed in with a giggle,

“Frosty?” Mr. Simon added,

“Guys… that’s not very nice,” Syoma added quietly,

“It’s just a joke!” Petrikov slapped the table with a hearty chuckle, wincing instantly and gingerly touching his head, “Okay, okay… Ice Man it is… maybe we can go now”

They all waited and…

“Nothing,” they chanted in unison

Mr. Simon looked around the room and the familiar faces that all also seemed so different. He was certain each of them had a different life wherever they had gone. A thought popped into his head. It couldn’t be helped, the question he longed to ask. The answer could quell his loneliness with a fellow lovesick soul. Raising his hand to call attention to himself he calmly asked,

“I was wondering… if everyone met… her?”

“Marceline?” Ice Man inquired, quirking his head, “I have,”

“Me too,” Syoma added softly,

“Me three,” Petrikov flicked his wrist up. He was currently hiding his head in his arms- the light was starting to get to him, “Hey what’s a guy gotta do to get a glass a watah around here?” suddenly a glass of water popped up. Lifting his head, he cracked a smile, “What’s a guy gotta do to get a laday up in here?”

Nothing happened.

“My goodness, man,” Mr. Simon commented, “How many time have you worn the darn thing!?”

“…” Petrikov counted his fingers, then made a devil symbol and laughed, “Lots”

“It… kinda shows,” Ice Man looked down at his own hands and then back up, “You might wanna lay off it for awhile”

“Shush shush shush,” he chuckled, putting his finger over his lips, “What were we talking about with this her business?” quickly changing the conversation he added, “Who’s her?”

“… Betty?” Syoma sadly cleared up the confusion and this pained face made it into everyone’s expression all around the room, “Oh… I guess that’s one of those things”

“We all have a Betty,” Simon added

“The princess…” Petrikov sighed, letting his cheek flop onto the table, “she was a princess… wasn’t she?”

“I don’t really blame her, the sweet darling for leaving us,” Syoma added with sadness, “I wouldn’t want her to see me like this,” he looked over at Mr. Simon, who had his head bowed and tenderly reached out and grabbed his hand. Mr. Simon was shocked at first, but smiled and gave Symoa’s hand a light comforting squeeze. Syoma and Mr. Simon looked over at Simon and Ice Man, expecting them to join the pity party but to their surprise the gentlmen seemed inclined to remain silent.

…

“You fuckers,” Petrikov exclaimed after a rather long bout of absolute dead silence, “You’re shittin me!”

“Me and Betty just had our first baby,” Simon said quietly, feeling bad considering his other selves weren’t as fortunate, “We live with Marceline out in the wasteland”

“And he’s father of the fucking year!” Petrikov waved his arms through the air dramatically,

“There weren’t any condoms! It was the apocalypse okay!?” Simon replied, utterly flustered, “Hey uh Simon… uh, Ice Man… what about you and your Betty!?” he inquired to take the focus off himself,

“Well my Betty’s alive,” he said, eyes downcast, “But I’m trapped in a super high-tech underground facility as a test subject… I don’t get to see her much. She has to sneak in to visit me”

“Whew,” Mr. Simon commented, patting his forehead, “Quite a mouthful”

“Well you guys be in your little Betty club,” Petrikov muttered, slightly bitterly, his teeth showing, “Us single guys will woe it up in the hizzy over here. Right guys?”

Symoa stiffened and slowly raised his hand. Mr. Simon tried to hide his sorrow as he sadly asked, “Did… did you meet someone else?”

“I did,” Symoa smiled, drumming his fingers on the table, “You guys met Hunson?”

“Marceline’s DAD!?” Petrikov exclaimed, digging his fingers in his hair, chuckling, “W- wait… are you saying you and Hunson,” he bumped his hands together in a crud gesture that offended pretty much everybody and then laughed with a cackle at the response he found in Symoa’s face, “Ahahaha! Oh man, he’s gonna get a kick out of that when I get back!”

“You mean you too?” Symoa asked

“Oh no,” Petrikov waved his hand dismissively, “We turbros,” winking and clicking his teeth he added, “I don’t… uh, I like lady parts”

“Ah,” Symoa drummed his fingers again and looked up at everyone who were looking at him, “Hunson is actually very hansom… you know, in a demonic kind of way,” his eyes drifted off a bit as he added, “His eyes are… oh, uh er… he’s been very mindful of me Marceline, and he teaches me magic. I just… yeah he can be a total ass at times, and there’s a place in my heart only for… for her but…” a deep red blush overtook his face and he found himself too flustered to speak,

“That’s… nice,” Mr. Simon added in an awkward but friendly manner,

“Whatever makes you happy I suppose,” Simon added and Ice Man gave a confirmative nod to the idea. They all looked at Petrikov expectantly. After all eyes were on him he waved his hand in the air dismissively and added,

“Whatever,” with a chuckle, “Still telling Hunson though, whooboy,” he waited and when nothing happened, spoke up, “We’re still not off the hook for the night”

“What about you?” Simon asked, pointing at Petrikov, “You said you and Hunson are Turbros?”

“I live in the Nightosphere,” he said, throwing up devil horns again, “With Hunson and Marceline. We’re just friends though,” he chuckled, looking over at Symoa, “It’s cool… we pretty much do whatevs we want,” shrugging his shoulders he added softly, “Not so good for my moral compass but it’s done wonders for my moral,” not wanting the floor any longer he pointed at Mr. Simon, “what about you fellah? C’mon, send us home”

“Hopefully,” Simon huffed, “I worry when Betty has both of the kids by herself… they are such a handful”

“I…” Mr. Simon nervously ran a hand through his hair, “… I live with Marcy in a house out in the woods. It’s just… us”

“… and lefty?” Petrikov snickered, leaning back in his chair

“Hey man, not cool,” Ice Man interjected,

“I’m just joking… and chill with the ice puns,” he paused and then smacked his forehead, “Auuhhh!”

“nICE one,” Simon snickered and he and Ice Man high fived quietly. The two men froze as the light reappeared in the center of the table once more, “Oh… time to snow”

No one responded and he dropped his head in shame. The creature reappeared and smiled at them, “It’s good for the soul to share one’s troubles, now back to your worlds till again you are summoned!”

“Wait!?” Ice Man groaned, “… again!?”

“Aaaaaaw!”