POSTmortemMALONE

*ganggang*

Not my BPDs fighting and making me feel like the last tether keeping me in this state was just cut.

I spend so much of my time hyping people up, but never get that back, and it hurts.

I’ll be the first person to tell/show people support. I’ll show up, speak up, stand up… but when it comes to the thing I need… it’s empty. My court side is empty. De-void of help or hope.

It feels like, those who exist around me daily are just simply… floating. The interaction is basic at best. There isn’t any hype, any support, any acknowledgment. I can’t tell you the last time someone genuinely looked me in the eye and asked me what I’m passionate about. What makes me happy. Where I went to be. What I want to do. How I’m doing.

I’m wanting to create, but without a support system, it’s hard for me. It just is. I spent the majority of my life with people putting me down and treating me like garbage for my art,,, unless they get something out of it. If it’s worth something to them, they’re all in, but I have never had support from a partner for it. I’ve never hard support from my parents until I started streaming last year.. and even then it’s just… asking when I’ll do it again.

There is a reason that don’t do things, more so, than a reason that I do. I’m a dethroned pedestal child, man. I’ve been establishing an unhealthy life balance of PTSD, abandonment issues, and self hatred due to failure since I can remember. If I was ever good enough it was, “who do they get the talent from” not that I had the talent or ability myself to begin with. My pride and joy was always sucked right fucking out of me. It wasn’t MY accomplishment, it was whoever thought they passed it down to me or whoever “fake encouraged me the most”, as if to bet that it would be a hit and then be happy when the odds worked out. I’m like a racehorse people bet on, but only if it can benefit them.

I’m here for everything, I don’t miss anything when it comes to our fur babies. I’ve been the one to find them dead from old age, I’m the one to hold them until they pass and have to call you while I do it, I’m the one who has to hyper focus and be vigilant all damn day and night because I’m h e r e. You get to leave and not worry about it.

Yes, you work, I’m grateful, but move on already. The emotional side of life that I take on for us is just as heavy, just as hard. Being a homemaker on the spectrum with all of the mental health issues under the Sun and health shit I’m still terrified about/working out… I run everything. I never leave the trauma that is this side of things. We al grieve, but I take it, full force to lighten that blow in you to do your own job elsewhere.

Relationships are hard, idc what anyone says. It’s not perfect all the time, but why this?

I’m going to end up breaking this thing apart soon enough, idk how long I can pretend to be “okay”.

I’m getting bad again, emotionally, mentally, physically.

People could ask me my love languages right now and I literally would just say “to leave me the fuck alone”, but then be so damn lonely. It’s crazy, dude.

On the other hand, I’m over here looking for companionship from someone, anyone who “gets me” who would ever understand me at all…and it’s not my partner. It makes me feel so shit, because I isolate and try to give only to give, but it hurts. Then I try to give to others including him, and that makes me feel like a trash ass human being.

I am polyam, he’s aware. This is hard though, I know he supports me, but then that makes me question why? He will support certain aspects, but not everything (like the physical stuff) and say “but I want to be giving you that and doing that..” then fucking do it? Hello? And then… there is no change. There is never any resolve. I’m constantly told what I want to hear and it makes me wish I couldn’t hear at all. Lies hurt, and it’s constant.

I feel so unloved, and because of that and other factors, unlovable.

I feel so misunderstood, and because of that, unheard/unseen.

I’ve been complaining about this for years now… our anniversary is 3 years in November…and I’m no closer to seeing or feeling any change.

I just, don’t want to anymore, but what if I’m his person. I feel like I have to say to help him through things, to keep him company, to teach him, to comfort him… he’s gentle and kind… but why not… to me?