Il cuore ha ragioni che la ragione non conosce.

I think of you every time I listen to Passenger Seat by Death Cab for Cutie. 

Not in a ‘romantic’ way, 

not even in a ‘I miss you’ way. 

More in a ‘nostalgic’ way.

It brings back the feeling of excitement and anxiety. 

Mostly anxiety. 

I can’t say I loved you because I didn’t. 

I don’t think you’d be surprised by that statement. 

You offered friendship, 

I refused. 

Couldn’t shake the feeling of being used. 

It was meant to be sincere but felt like an afterthought.

Do I blame you? 

Not really. 

Although I thought about it everyday.

Didn’t have the heart to shift the blame onto you.

We ended before we started. 

In between something and nothing. 

Couldn’t really put a label on ‘us’,

but hey isn’t that dating?

The ambiguity, 

the guessing, 

the stressing. 

Believing in nonexistent ties,

only to be cut off at the edge of the cliff. 

Overdramatic? 

Only slightly. 

This is what it all felt like holding your hand. 

Excitement and anxiety all at once. 

You might’ve crossed my mind once or twice since those times. 

I should’ve greeted you with a kinder tone than the one of venom.  

I was holding onto that grudge for dear life. 

Knowing how easily you threw me over that cliff, 

no hesitation, 

no remorse.  

Not even a simple goodbye.

I guess I did temporarily blame you.

But not anymore.

I let go of the toxicity.

Erased all of my unkind words whenever someone spoke your name. 

I eased this whirlpool of anger inside of me. 

Nurtured the insecurities so they bloomed into securities.  

These were my faults even before you. 

We were destined to meet but only for a moment. 

A lesson learned in love going from lovers to friends, 

friends to enemies, 

maybe even frenemies. 

So I thank you. 

Long overdue I know. 

But please know,