The Quiet Archive

If he says he has demons inside of him.

Run.

If he says there’s a dangerous evil lurking in his bones.

Run.

If he says you’re his savior.

Run.

If your stomach turns at his name,

his laugh,

or his kiss.

Run.

He’s using your empathy to fill his soul.

It’s not love.

It’s entrapment.

It’s desperation.

He’ll breathe while you suffocate.

He’ll tell you rehearsed truths of insincerity.

He’ll use self-pity to tear you from limb to limb.

He will devour you whole.

I’ve lived this nightmare.

Stuck in between salvation and obsession.

Waiting for an ‘I love you’

Only hearing the loudest silence in his eyes.

When I say run.

You RUN.

Run until you’re gasping for air.

Run until your feet bleed through your soles.

Because in the full moon,

My wandering mind is relentless.

Making delusions from unspoken conversations.

I’m losing you.

I’m self sustained.

I’ll bite my tongue for you.

You’re already carrying the world.

One less worry.

Long distance promises of a forever.

Late night conversations we are struggling to keep.

Slowly turned to missed calls,

unread texts,

always waiting.

I’m afraid to ask for more,

afraid to be labeled as self centered,

for wanting attention,

affection,

acknowledgement.

I’m getting lonely facing this world.

Staring at my phone,

writing and erasing,

writing and erasing,

writing and erasing,

these twisted sentiments.

I’m sitting in the middle of my living room.

Listening to songs I had on repeat in high school.

In love with boy bands,

fawning over them,

with friends I thought I’d be with forever.

You find me day dreaming.

I tell you about the heartaches and the lost friendships.

Share with you all my favorite lyrics that wrecked my soul.

Entranced with my every word,

you let me ramble for hours on end.

I remember sitting in class fantasizing of the man of my dreams.

How he would look.

What would his sense of humor be?

Would he be artsy or more technical?

I don’t think you were what I expected.

You make me laugh uncontrollably.

Endearing but not cute.

You’ve seen me spiral from nothing.

You caught me before I fell into despair.

A kiss didn’t fix everything,

but it helped close the void.

We don’t fight,

we have disagreements.

No screaming matches,

just open honesty.

I am strong with or without you.

As you are strong with or without me.

Yet, we are stronger together.

Not by fate by effort.

The everyday struggles,

the curveballs life throws,

the disappointments.

We try our best to navigate,

even if we tumble.

We find a way back.

Love only grows with every change.

I love flowers but not the way I loved you.

We fell out of sync the moment my heart skipped a beat.

Now all I do is smile at the blossoming flowers.

The past has a way of creeping up on me.

I still feel his fingers on my body.

It brings a chill down my spine.

Makes my stomach turn.

I want to vomit.

Therapy healed the wounds.

I never thought you’d come waltzing back.

It’s not her fault.

She saw the sincerity in my eyes.

Didn’t see the hatred hiding beneath my soul.

I cried when I saw the message.

The tightness in my chest.

I knew what it said before I read it.

The agony,

the self loathing,

the denial,

came rushing back.

I don’t know how to tell her,

I’d rather drop dead.

How this time of happiness is my worst nightmare.

I’m not sorry.

Mentally I was declining.

Obsessing over you.

You shouldn’t feel an ounce of glory.

I couldn’t live like this.

Suffocating in my self-pity.

Watching time slip by.

I longed to stay in the past.

All consuming.

My love held my hand.

Saw the moment I spiraled.

Told me to reject their idea of love.

Told me to let the texts turn to phantom words.

I don’t have to mask my true sentiment.

I can decline their invitation of rekindling.

I can walk away.

They don’t have to weigh me down.

So be happy.

Oh wait,

I misspoke.

Let me dissect that heart of yours,

I do it with numbers all the time.

I can manipulate datasets,

but never you.

I see remnants of her like hidden tabs in aging files.

I almost hit delete.

Then I remember it won’t fix the problem.

Can’t erase love.

I learned through innovation,

turned mistakes into successes.

Lesson after lesson,

I can change complex formulas to simple functions.

So why can’t I change your mind?

I’m the analyst.

Call me the fixer,

the troubleshooter,

the trend setter.

Watch as I amaze everyone,

I was heartbroken when you left.

I should’ve seen the signs.

They were working you overtime.

And I,

taking every chance to get a bite of you.

You gave everything up,

sold your soul unwilling.

Stepped into the limelight with a wish,

but they twisted your words.

They’d cast a spell,

from human to puppet.

A shell of who you once were.

I’m selfish to ask you to return.

They ripped the light out of your eyes.

Watched as they tugged those strings,

dancing to an unsynchronized melody.

Even the devil was perturbed.

You let time erase your name from their lips.

Called fate to decide,

a wooden heart or a bleeding one.

I’m waiting for your return.

I’m hopeful you’ll grace me with one last goodbye.

To those who love me,

and to those who found comfort inside me.

I am asking porque te vas?

In the darkness of my mind,

I count the days of when I last saw you.

This song reminds me of the loneliness.

Porque te vas?

Tell me heartbreak will not kill me.

Tell me I can survive.

Give me words to soothe the recklessness of my mind.

I’m crumbling.

The lyrics resonate as I sit alone.

Porque te vas?

Hold me closer.

I don’t want to disappear.

I want to be side by side.

Grab me so I don't float away when gravity decides to fail.

Sing to me the words my heart screams.

You sized me up too fast.

I didn’t know how to make you stay.

You made the obvious choice.

How could you not?

You moved in sync with them so effortlessly.

I couldn’t compete.

After all these years,

I’m chasing a phantom of what we used to have.

I don’t blame you.

I was ostracized.

Feared your judgement.

I walked away,

watched you accept my fate.

I’m struggling to fight a war,

I don’t even remember starting.

Caught in miscommunication,

trapped in deception.

In another lifetime,

I pray you show me mercy.

The rumors spread,

the flames engulfed my soul.

One last hex I cast.

I wonder what’s it like to fall out of love.

Do you live in eternal bliss?

Does the blindfold tear apart?

Will my heart stay intact?

I have so many questions.

But you left them unanswered.

I feel hollow somehow.

I’m supposed to miss you.

But I don’t.

I can barely call your name.

I love you.

Wait I misspoke.

I loved you.

You forgot to hold on tight.

You smirked my way,

kissed her.

Left me utterly speechless.

I was never good at reading people.

I didn’t make assumptions about you,

tried to rationalize your every act as love.

Heartbreaking.

I say I moved on.

Found a new lover.

Someone who tastes sweeter than you.

I am a terrible liar.

But you can’t even tell.

One day,

you’ll eat your words.

I’ll watch as they break your heart,

leave you with nothing but unanswered questions.

I’m still bitter.

So excuse me,

if I grind my teeth at the sight of you.

I’m trying to navigate through this world on my own again.

I’ll be okay.