i've got so many things in my hungry heart

one of my biggest issues is that while i am an honest researcher at heart which means i am always up to changing my mind if presented with sufficient evidence (moreover i will seek out alternative points of view myself to see how my current opinions hold against them) i also a) am easily triggered by Certain subjects which makes it hard for me to research the topic altogether and b) just unironically loathe that guy named l. cornelius sulla felix. it's hard for me to read anything positive on him because i am afraid of finding out that maybe i have greatly overestimated the traumatic effect his reforms had on rome and underestimated the positive influence saud reforms had and then everything i have ever said on the subject was stupid and futile and so is my hatred but i cannot get it out of my system at this point so it makes me a stupid hypocrite. genuinely free me

and don't get me wrong in my opinion all reconstructions are by definition problematic (i would even say voluntaristic) and so it really doesn't matter that much in the end whether i want to center one source or the other one perspective or the other since centering either both or neither are all problematic choices more indicative of a researcher's personal academic and ideological allegiances than of any real event that happened 2000 years ago so no one will ever jump me for not willing to read certain books on sulla as if i don't want to find out The Truth since there has never been any Truth and after all i don't even focus on sulla in my actual studies? but what bothers me isn't possible lack of academic integrity. it's my fear of being wrong and dumb and my shame for being wrong and dumb. it's always been me against my fear and my shame. they returned to spoil my fun again and it sucks badly

GOT A 9 OUT OF 10 FROM MY SUPERVISOR??

will talk about it here but she wants me to write a bachelor's thesis on tribunate and i want to research late republican pre-sullan tribunate in particular because it was a different can of worms entirely and i Love when civil war traumas are present only implicitly <3

need to get into saturninus but unfortunately i still experience term paper related anxiety so i cannot touch literature on the subject at all

okay the anxiety has significantly subsided because apparently i received a kind and complementary email from my supervisor??? saturninus lore it is then. we're back babey