seasonal clockwork

hi tumblr,

i logged out of desktop and the app doesn’t work on my phone -- for a moment i thought i was letting go of this site forever, but i just can’t.

this is still a strange digital hideout. i thought about getting a substack? 

the internet feels like it’s just moving too fast for me, and i can’t keep up. i feel cringy and old like i’m screaming ‘long live the written blog!’

it often just feels like i’m having internet media diarrhea in my brain after consuming and consuming too much. i am craving connection and belonging outside of expected performance. 

still finding comfort in exposing my vulnerabilities on this little site. thanks for having my back tumblr.

i’m deeply struggling, but in a way that doesn’t feel entirely alarming, just in that i’m unable to take control of things to ensure my own comfort and peace of mind. it’s never that way actually, tho i think we create the illusion that it’s possible. 

everything is ultimately out of my/our hands.

this year of 30 feels transformative -- i’m still one foot in of my former self and one foot out exploring. what is in my control is my own narrative and the ways i can flip validation to serve myself -- internally rather than externally but it’s really fucking hard. that’s where it feels like i’m sitting in this moment. 

why do i create expectations for myself that don’t serve a real purpose? but ultimately why create expectations ---- pressure to produce // this pressure to be under pressure, why?