A face overstudied will not withstand judgement

To speak with you, my love, is to put into words a fraction of what I mean, how I feel, what I want. I am burning with the words we leave unsaid

It’s keeping me warm

I kid myself, thinking that we don’t have to say everything, that we’re so in tune that we can read each other and know the words we leave unsaid,

It almost feels good

But it hurts, my darling, wondering, lying awake, seeking, almost relaxed with you and then I’m analysing, agonising over the words we leave unsaid, 

Sometimes, I torture myself and think you may not have any words you’ve left unsaid, sometimes, 

I sit next to you as you drive,

Pain tearing through my chest, 

I’m screaming at you, can’t you hear me?

I try to take your hand,

It is ignored.

I know in my mind that you prefer to have your hand free when you drive,

I know it’s nothing personal my thoughts say.

But my heart cries, yesterday

Yesterday you took my hand, held it, 

Ran your thumb over my knuckles ,

Kissed it,

Yesterday, she weeps, gave me hope

Of course,

Yesterday you watched me paint bruises across my face.

I’m still hurting,

I want to yell

Why can’t you understand,

I want to scream it in your face,

I need you right now

But yesterday, you held me as I cried,

Pinned my wrists so I wouldn’t hurt myself,

Convinced me to stay when it was over,

Just so you could make sure I was safe.

And now, you are tired, 

You have given me so much,

And even in the most selfish and darkest part of my heart, I cannot bring myself to ask you for more.

You pull over, turn towards me,

We hug

I miss your heartbeat,

But I kiss your cheek and say,

I’m always so worried about what I have to give to the world. What impact I can have, what good I can do, that sometimes I oscillate to a burning sense of resentment. I am fueled to contradict, and I immerse myself in the fantasy of giving nothing, taking everything with no guilt. The feel of the freedom from the chains of obligation, the possibility of it all.

And yet,

I remain bound

Bound to care