i'm a ruin

Everything Means Nothing [ if i can’t have you ] | Tam

After what felt like hours of being crammed in a house filled to the brim with people, it was safe to say Sam needed to get outside. Sure, it was nice seeing his friends and their significant others being happy on what usually is one of his favorite holidays, but this year it wasn’t the same. He found himself outside, walking along Vivienne’s extensive gardens, and settled himself on a bench to look at the stars. His heart hurt. He reached for his chest, pressing his palm against his ribs to feel the organ pulsing against the bone cage. At least it wasn’t as broken as it felt.

He sighed, slipping his hand into his jacket and grabbing a smoke, some shit Phoebe had given him. It was similar to the weed he had smoke years before, minus the hideous smell it left behind. Sam light the joint, placing it between his lips and taking a long drag. The sooner he was stoned out of his mind the better. He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting there — hours? Minutes? Seconds, even? He’d lost track when the party started and hadn’t made an effort to look at the time since.

The vampire desperately tried to distract himself from his present situation. He’d broken up with the love of his life, stolen a wanted terrorist out of the hands of the law, tortured a man until he confessed to his crimes, then brutally murdered him for his participation in the attack on Flourish & Blott’s. Even with all of this on his mind, he couldn’t stop himself from picturing his face, feeling his skin against his. Teddy. Dear lord, he missed that man, even if he wasn’t the best boyfriend in the world. Sam couldn’t help it, Teddy was his soulmate. No matter how hard he tried to change that, how much he tried to repress those feelings, he was deeply, madly, head over heels in love with Edward Remus Lupin. To make matters even worse, he knew Teddy was there. Even with the intense amount of body odor, sweat, and food, Sam could still smell his scent. Did he even care about him anymore? Was he here with someone else? 

Why do you care? You’re the one who broke up with him in the first place. 

I know, I know, but I couldn’t stay – he doesn’t love me like I love him.

Look at you, idiota, you’re talking to yourself.

Another sigh. He was almost halfway done his joint, his head feeling fuzzing and his eyes glossed over from zoning out, when he heard footsteps. It took a moment for his sense to work, but he knew exactly who it was once his brain started working: Teddy. He held his breath, listening to the sound of his mate’s pacing. He could practically smell the smoke coming from all the thinking the younger male was doing.

Sam exhaled a cloud of smoke, not turning to face the other man as he stated coolly, “I can hear the wheels turning from over here.”

@tedwardx

Teddy had no idea what he was doing

He had followed Sam out into the gardens. It wasn’t exactly something he was trying to hide it, and his shifting abilities couldn’t mask his scent anyway...or whatever else it was that he used his vampire senses to identify him. Teddy had spent so much of the night watching and waiting, hoping the right words or right moment would come to him. Merlin, he wished he didn’t seem so desperate. 

He had worn pink. He might as well have been advertising that he was a hopeless fool, wearing the tie Sam had picked out for him and scanning the party pitifully for his ex. Ex. That word shouldn’t have pained him as much as it did, especially considering that he wasn’t supposed to mean anything in the first place. How had he strayed so far from his path? Everything was caving in around him and the only thing he could think of was a vampire. A vampire who had show him what life could have been like if he had just allowed others in -- allowed himself a shred of happiness rather than wallowing in self-hatred. Sam was the only person who made him feel grounded in all of the mess, even if that would all be dissolved the second Sam knew what he really was...

It wasn’t that he was concerned Sam would be thrown off by the whole homicide thing. Technically his hands were clean, and Sam literally ate bad guys to live. The nail in his coffin had been getting Sam’s friends involved. Even if he had the chance to explain, would he listen? Did it even matter with all that he had set into motion? Then again... if he were already fucked, would it hurt so bad to try? To seek solace and pretend if only for a few more moments? Didn’t he deserve at least that? If Sam would even listen long enough to hear him out...

Teddy didn’t have any more time to waver. Sam had been merciful in addressing him, pulling him from his thoughts even as he was avoiding him. He still wasn’t entirely sure what he had done or where he had gone wrong, but perhaps now was his time to absolve himself. The very thought made him anxious, the tension continuing to coil tighter and tighter within. He wasn’t sure he could take much more of the storm brewing inside of him, and the thought of being rejected again from his safe harbor filled him with fear. Twitching with nervous energy, he stepped into the moonlight -- timid, but comforted slightly by the familiar scent of Sam’s burning joint. 

“I’ve been thinking... of what I was going to say.”  Looking upon his face, finally close enough to appreciate the details he hadn’t realized he had missed so much, he found himself at a loss for words for what felt like the hundredth time that night. “Every time I think I’ve got it I just -- I --”

Teddy could feel the anger boiling, heartbeat singing through his veins as if it had been he who was front and center when the body hit the stage and the deafening screams pounded against the nearby buildings. It began as panic-- panic that one of his men had been caught, that they could jeopardize everything they had worked to build over the past few weeks. As he slipped away from the crowd, he tried to rationalize with himself. What do they have to gain? He doesn’t know my identity-- his “leader” is one of many faces... there’s no way he could tie that to me. I suppose they could identify a few other colleagues, but what does that prove? We may lose a few set of hands but that’s a blow we can survive taking... they have nothing. They have nothing on me...

Talking himself down from one ledge had only pushed him closer to another, however. The paranoia may have quelled temporarily, but the frayed ends of his mind were still vulnerable from days of anger and denial following Sam’s departure. What he felt for Sam still mystified him, the answers to his questions still just out of his reach. He had resigned himself to whatever fate beginning this quest to end the squib epidemic would bring him, but so much had changed since then... Sam had showed him what life could be like, if he had allowed himself to be the man he pretended to be for Sam, if only he could allow himself to feel more than the emptiness that threatened to swallow him whole. 

He shook his head, as if trying to physically expel the thought from his body. He had already made the choice to take this journey, had already set something into motion that he didn’t know how to stop. It didn’t matter now what he thought he wanted... did it?

He didn’t have time to think about Sam. One of his men had be apprehended by the Ministry and now he was missing. Who would have reason to take him from the hands of justice? A disgruntled citizen? Could it be possible that someone just wanted to make sure the punishment fit the crime? Or did someone know something? Had he gotten too sloppy in his plight to secure Sam’s innocence? Had he let his men stray too far off course? What did they want?!

Paranoia leaving him vibrating with nervous energy, he continued to roam the streets, mumbling to himself as his hair shifted colors sporadically under his hood. “I’m going m a d...”

“It was a big event with lots of people and publicity, of course I anticipated it to be a target! I know I’m not as special as everyone’s precious Quidditch but that doesn’t mean I didn’t take that into consideration.” Sam wasn’t one to brag about his fame and success and that’s definitely not what he was trying to do, but he was well known and should have gone with his gut instead of thinking just maybe he could have something good. “It’s my fault for not listening to myself. I knew but I went through with it anyway. So stupid.”

Sam was feeling a rollercoaster of emotions and really wasn’t trying to take it out on Teddy, but he kept pressing and pressing when all Sam wanted was to be alone. He let the younger man take his hand in his but kept his eyes on the pavement and his hands limp. He wanted to go to his apartment and sit at the window seat, watching all the little people and cry while he drank tea. Usually he wanted to be with Teddy all the time, but now he wanted to hide away from everyone – including him. He had to figure things out – he had to come up with a plan of action. There was no doubt in his mind that he wanted to catch whoever caused this mess, not because of the vandalism on his storefront but the pain his beloved Vegas and Dominique had gone through. When he was first confronted by the guardians, he made a deal with them: he wouldn’t go after them or rat them out if they provided him with food and kept his Veg and Dom out of it. If they were going to break their promise then so was he, no matter what it takes. 

“No, not aye,” he snapped, ripping his hands from his and replacing them with the stupid mop. “If you want to clean so badly then fine but I – I don’t want to be here – I want to be alone.”

Teddy felt the anger begin to bubble in his chest, the unmistakable feeling that something was about to boil over -- that he was powerless to stop the inevitable wave of emotion. Gritting his teeth, he tried (and quite frankly, did a real bang up job) to tread lightly, but his patience was wearing thin in record time. Couldn’t Sam see that he was trying to help? If only he understood what he had put at stake to keep him safe...

“What are you talking about? Do you -- do you even know what you bloody want?” Teddy ran a hand through his hair, exasperation clear in his features and the tension of his body. “First you’re obsessed with cleaning this place up and refuse to take a breather, and now you don’t even want to be here? Not to mention you’re going to get yourself caught, fat lot of good that would do your friend if they decided to blame all of the tragedies on you.” Teddy couldn’t help himself, the irritated words just wouldn’t stop spilling from his mouth. Why was he so insistent on pushing him away now of all times? And why did Teddy even care so much? 

“I mean -- you feel bad for Vegas but you won’t go see her, you don’t think you’re as popular as quidditch yet somehow being targeted is still your fault, and you want to fix the place up but I offer to help and you want to bloody be alone! If you’re going to mope you could at least make some bloody sense... I get that a lot has happened but Merlin’s beard -- how the hell am I supposed to help if you won’t fucking let me?”

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

“Well – they’re dead, so that will always put a damper on a relationship. Quite frankly, I think some less than responsible choices were made that I don’t exactly stand behind, but what can you do?”

04: Are you insecure?

“There’s very little to be secure in, if you ask me.”

06: How do you want to die?

“With the knowledge that I didn’t leave behind any children as genetically fucked as myself.”

10: When was your last physical fight?

“Probably in school? I’ve kept to myself for the most part the past few years, can’t imagine anyone would get that heated over a wand – you never know these days.”

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

“I think I hate the idea of particular kinds of people more than any certain individual.”

14: Do you miss someone?

“I don’t know... I think I could? Though whether or not I miss that person because they actually mean something to me or because I simply... miss their presence has yet to be determined. Things couldn’t have picked a worse time to get complicated.”

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

“I feel like everyone expects the answer to be yes because I should want to meet my parents or some tragically sentimental shite like that, but I just don’t... care? It wouldn’t change anything and it certainly wouldn’t stop them from abandoning their child for the greater good, so why should I? What purpose would it serve but to make my life even more depressing than it already is?”

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

“Probably spend some time with Siggy... and pout about the loss of the one person who actually made me feel something while plotting another innocent’s untimely death in the name of political progress... or something like that.”

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

“And force an unsuspecting child to share my unfortunate genetics and face years of criticism and failure? Let’s not.”

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

“I wasn’t a strong student by any means, but I did passably enough in Charms to land myself a job as a wandkeeper all those years ago so I suppose I did something right.”

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

“Who is there to miss?”

26: What are you craving right now?

“Attention I could really go for some homemade toffees right now, perhaps a visit to grandma Molly’s wouldn’t be so terrible.”

32: What is your favourite color?

“Grey? Maybe a dark blue?”

33: Do you have trust issues?

“Me? Of course not. Can’t have trust issues if you choose not to trust anyone.”

Teddy invented trust issues, not to mention he’s getting more and more paranoid as the days go by. Being the ring leader of a terrorist group will do that to you.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

“Siggy.” In reality it was probably Fred when they were younger because he may be a little bitch but he has yet to cry in front of Sam.

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

“Things have certainly been more... exciting than usual.”

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

“Can’t say that I have.”

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

“Must be some for pretty fucked up reasons, if that’s the case.”

54: Is cheating ever okay?

“I don’t really see the point. I mean I’m not exactly an expert on relationships but it seems like if you’re unhappy you could just fucking leave instead of doing that to someone? But what do I know?”

55: Are you mean?

“I think I’ve done mean things, but rarely with mean intentions.”

57: Do you believe in true love?

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

60: Do you wanna get married?

“You ask as if someone would actually want to marry a reject such as myself.”

63: Would you change your name?

“Considering the media has already blasted my likeliness across the papers on numerous occasions, changing my name isn’t going to do much. Changing my likeliness? Now that’s a whole other story.”

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

“Sam? If he believes me capable of such a thing... Albus, perhaps?”

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

“Could you maybe mind your own fucking business?”

“I only had a handful of wild nights back at Hogwarts... I’m pretty sure I’d remember if that had been a thing that happened.”

🌜- For a ‘weird’ habit or tic that no one knows about