Trouble

I should have learned from my mistakes. After so many years of keeping my walls up you managed to break them down, yet your promises were proven to be lies and yet again I am stuck cold, alone and regretting letting you in.

I have nothing to write about you because you didn’t hurt me, I hurt myself.

Holding onto you is like standing in the middle of a sinking ship. I know I'm not going to make it but I'm still going to try.

I thought love had to be this clawing passion deep in your chest. That it always was heated and the flame never died. Now I know that love it letting people go, allowing them to be happy even without you. It’s a glass of cold water after a long night.

I’m numb. That’s all I feel. Not pain nor sadness. I used to be so broken that I learnt to not feel.

The cruelty runs through me. All I ever knew was to hate the canvas in which I was born with. This is why I am not suitable for anyone who sees me as a work of art; to me I am just a bunch of blank pages.

I still have your bite marks on my neck. I had to take three showers and I can’t seem to remove you from my body. You’ve cruising through my mind all day, I wonder if i was even a passing thought to you.

I used to tell myself that you really deep down in that black heart of yours loved me and would one day come around my house professed those feelings I was yearning to hear out loud. Then we both changed addresses and stopped talking and I stopped feeding myself fairytales I knew wouldn’t never amount to anything. You were never going to come to grips with your feelings and even if you did we were different people now and our lives moved into different currents of the same ocean. My heart wasn’t flimsy, dark and so ready to be used and abused by you all over again whenever you decided to waltz into my life. You’re demeanor was bleak and unfamiliar, I used to be able to read every expression on your face and know exactly what you needed but the look you had showed me nothing and I had yet to be overcome with the desire to fulfill.

I stood watching. To me, he was a work of art. The way he stood tall, jousting with electricity from leg to another so filled with life, Rough hands laying lifeless on his sides in contrast. My eyes can't get enough,they keep devouring him with a hunger that can't be fed.

I miss you a lot and my lungs feel like they are filling up with water every time I walk into a room that reminds me of you. This whole house is tainted with memories of your laughter roaring through it, this whole city has you written on it. I can't walk anywhere without thinking of you.

Isn’t it strange that we fall I love and then just stop. We stop needing to breath the other persons air, we stop finding reasons to listen to their voice, stop touching them to feel their warmth between our fingertips. Its fucked up that an emotion so strong that makes us do insane and feverous things just dissipates into nothing. Much too soon you’re rolling your eyes at their presence and scowling at the slick sweat lingering from their skin touching yours. Why is love so fickle, why can’t it just choose someone and stay with it.

I don't know why I keep going through the same shit all over again. I already know how this ends yet I'm always willing to give you another chance. I should be sick of this pain by now, it's becoming repetitive and I'm really just fooling myself into thinking you've changed. You're the same. You're the same as the first time you ripped me to shreds and left me to clean up the mess, you're the same boy who's going to find his way into my life again and fucking up the walls of sanity I finally managed to build around myself.

I didn't know I loved blue eyes until I lost myself in yours.