tearsofangelheart

·:*❦ INTRODUCING ME:

hiii i'm tearsofangelheart!!

19| she/her | leo| estj | bi | obsessed with YSL & rosé | doe eyed smoker | i'm on tiktok; spotify: wattpad & pinterest under the same name| if you'd like to be mutuals, lmk in the comments!!!! ❦

MASTERLIST ❦

– 𝓒HOSO 𝓚AMO

$ SELFISH WALTZ ( bestfriend!choso x fem!reader) smut!!, jealousy, envy, avoidant issues, friends with benefits(?)

❦ ep.1 ❦ ep.2

- 𝓢UKUNA 𝓡YOMEN

$ CRIMINAL LOVE (criminal!kuna x attorney!reader) smut!!

{to be posted!!}

୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅★ 彡

warnings | (mdni) mentions of abuse / violence / trauma flashbacks / implied ptsd / panic attacks / toxic dynamics / sexual themes

wc - 9k

series masterlist | previous chapter | next chapter

☾

the wind was cold against your damp cheek, the air tasting like metal as you sniffled. 

sukuna had walked away fifteen minutes ago but you remained where you were, right where he’d left you. 

you weren’t sure why you didn’t move. shock? agony?

no. hope. 

you hoped he’d come back, something in you told you he would. but when twenty minutes passed, the hope had flickered down to ache. 

not the dramatic kind of ache you often heard about. no thunder or sirens or some cinematic moment where the pain announced itself. 

but there was a sick, twisted kind of hollow feeling that settled in your throat and made swallowing feel like work. 

sukuna had disappeared down the sidewalk quick, like he was trying to outrun the pain in his chest. like he was fighting back the doubts in his mind. like distance would undo what he’d just done. 

part of you didn’t blame him for leaving and that’s what killed you. the fact that, truthfully, you understood. 

but you remained where you were, hands clenched at your sides so hard that your nails half-mooned into your palms. your breath was trembling, fogging into the cold as your eyes burned. 

and when you realized he wouldn’t come back, when the torment dragged on and the sorrow settled, you broke. 

warnings | (mdni) mentions of abuse / physical child abuse / violence / trauma flashbacks / implied ptsd / panic attacks / toxic dynamics / heavy petting / mentions of masterbation

series masterlist | four

☾

after the last whistle blew and it was made official that sukuna had won his first ever college game, a party didn’t even cross his mind. 

the locker room had been loud, gojo yelling, team chanting, sweat and adrenaline still clinging to them. but sukuna had peeled off his pads in silence, fingers shaking in a way he pretended was exhaustion. 

his mind was riddled with one thought. you. always you. 

he found you waiting by his truck. 

you were perched on the hood, legs crossed at the ankle and his jersey sallowing your smaller frame. the field’s lights panted your skin and for a moment, he forgot how to breathe. 

“we won.” he stated unnecessarily, duffel on his shoulder as he made his way to you. 

you who was smiling softly, so unfairly pretty, it made his chest clench in appreciation.

his statement was blunt and obvious but you smiled anyway. soft and proud. entirely for him. 

“i know,” you replied amusedly, sliding off the hood, “you were incredible.”

and the word incredible had never meant much to him before you had said it. 

sukuna wasn’t even sure he would make it to college a year ago but here he was. on a full ride scholarship and it was all because of you. 

“wanna go for a drive, angel?” his voice was deep and almost dazed as he placed his duffel in the backseat, eyes never leaving you. 

you hummed with a small grin, “don’t you have a frat party to get to?” 

sukuna shrugged gently, walking towards you as you crossed your arms, looking up at him with those eyes that continuously rendered him weak. 

“think m’right where i should be.” with you. you. you. 

your cheeks heated up as you smiled gently with a small nod, “will you get me a coke?” 

sukuna smirked softly, patting your head as he nodded towards the passenger seat, shaking his head softly as you made your way there, “i’ll get you whatever you want.”

he drove without music, windows cracked just enough to let the cold bite. the night stretched quiet and endless, the kind of silence that resembled peace. 

sukuna continuously glanced at you as you sipped your diet coke, quiet as you watched the moon outside, knees tucked up to your chest.

you made something in him tremble every single time he looked at you. you were something so fucking visceral to him, so embedded in his being that he couldn’t imagine him without you. 

it wasn’t until he turned down a dirt road just outside the city, tires crunching until the world opened up into nothing but sky, that you spoke up. 

“ryo,” you laughed gently, eyes gazing over the empty fields where the stars seemed much brighter, “we haven’t been here in ages.”

and it was true. the last time he had taken you here was the night after your high school graduation where you laid in the back of his truck for hours, eating the tiny bento cake with the small graduation cap that your mom had gotten you. 

“figured it was about time,” he looked at you for a moment, “wanna sit in the back, angel?”

with a small dimpled grin that made his heart stop, you hummed in agreement before exiting the car, him following. 

sukuna braced himself on the metal and pulled himself up and onto the bed of the truck. 

you gasped softly at the blankets and pillows laid out in the back, “you planned this.” 

he ignored your words, holding his hand out for you like it was instinct. he pulled you up like you weighed nothing, heart fluttering as you giggled and laid on your back, letting out a loud sigh as you gazed at the sky.

sukuna laid beside you then, shoulders touching, staring up at the stars like they held the answers. 

“i don’t know why graduation feels like a lifetime ago…” you murmured gently, a soft sigh following as sukuna glanced at you, one arm under his head, the other limp beside yours. 

“time’s flyin’, huh?” 

his words had you sighing gently, shifting as you turned your head to gaze at the side of his, expression doe eyed and soft but fragile all the same. 

“kinda scary…” your voice was low, even less than a whisper and sukuna immediately turned to meet your gaze. he hated whenever you sounded small, distressed or perturbed. 

“what is?” 

your shrugged gently, face soft and eyes open, like even before expressing your concerns, you looked to him for comfort. always. 

“i don’t know…all of it,” a small huff left your lips as you shook your head, gulping gently and he could tell that whatever was working your pretty mind was troubling you, “i don’t like not knowing…like, the future and what’s gonna happen. y’know with everything…with me, with us…”

sukuna immediately sat up on his elbows, watching you closely as your doe eyes grew a bit glassy and you looked up at him like he held all the answers. 

he didn’t know either. he didn’t know what things will look like in a year’s time or even tomorrow, but he didn’t have to know everything. because if there was one thing he was sure of, it was you. his constant. 

“i’m one thing y’never have to wonder about,” his voice was rough and his brows furrowed as he looked down at you, your own eyes looking up at him expectantly, “m’here, i’ll always be here.”

the stars blinked overhead like they were listening and your heart clenched gently with all the emotions you felt for him. 

“you promise, ryo?”

his jaw clenched with effort, hand moving to rest on the top of your head, thumb caressing your temple with so much gentleness, it caused a shaky sigh to leave your lips. 

“i promise…” a whisper left him, gut twisting with the emotion only you could pull out of him, “i’ll always be where you are, brat.”

and it was in the way he stated it like a fact, not a confession that had a blanket of warmth and reassurance cloud over you. 

you were quick to offer a small smile before leaning up to wrap your arms around his neck and he was even quicker to pull you into him until your small frame was cradled against his chest, legs over his own as you sat on his lap. 

one arm circled your waist as the other hand held your head, thumb stroking your hair as you softened against him. 

"i promise, too."

his chest constricted with vehemence, eyes shutting as he inhaled the scent of your shampoo, light and clean. 

something so incredibly you. 

he wanted to say something else then. something permanent and dangerous. 

instead, he looked up at the sky and let the moment pass. 

☾

the kettle whistled loudly, steam hissing and metal rattling until the sound cut through your quiet apartment sharp enough to make your shoulders flinch from your place on the couch.

“fuck-“ you hurried into the kitchen, hands fumbling as you twisted the burner off. the kettle rattled once more before settling, steam curling up towards the ceiling as you sighed. 

you stared at it for a second too long. 

your mug sat empty on the counter, tea bag string draped neatly over the trim, untouched. everything prepared and forgotten. 

your fingers tightened around the handle as you poured the water, steam sloshing unevenly against the ceramic, a few drops splashing on the skin of your hand. you didn’t react. 

you’d been zoning out more than usual lately, ever since the game a few days ago. 

just small disappearances, losing minutes at a time, staring through windows, rereading the same sentence without absorbing a word. it was like your mind was out of balance. 

you carried the mug of mint tea to the couch and sat back down, cradling the warmth between your palms. warm and grounding. you focused on that and not on the constant weight on your chest. 

you were fine. it was okay. 

you could hear the front door click open and your spine went a touch too straight. could it be- 

“hey, girl.” shoko voice permeated the space, tone careful like she was testing the weight of the words before letting it go. 

utahime followed her in and you realized you had left the door unlocked last night because there was only one other person who had the key to your apartment besides you.

fuck, you were out of it. 

both of them paused by the closed door, eyes flicking to you then around the apartment like they were stepping into a room where something fragile had shattered and no one was sure where the glass was. 

you hated that look. 

“hi!” you greeted, a bit too quick, lifting your mug in a half-hearted gesture, “don’t you guys have class?”

shoko’s gaze dropped briefly to your bouncing leg and the untouched tea then back to your face. 

“yeah,” she said, forcing brightness into her voice, “prof cancelled, fucking miracle of the century.” 

utahime slipped off her coat, slower than usual as she watched you the way someone watches a storm that hasn’t decided if it’s coming or not. 

you took a sip of your tea and immediately regretted it, the liquid burning your tongue but you swallowed anyway. 

“how’re you feeling?” utahime questioned, gentle but firm as she took a seat on the armchair, shoko following as she sat down on the other end of the couch. 

there it was, that stupid question. 

you couldn’t answer, not really. because you didn’t know how to explain the feeling, the crushing and dreadful emotion that’s been weighing on you since that night. 

you couldn’t get it out of your head, sukuna’s face, your words, jean’s bruise-

“m’fine.” you stated firmly, smiling gently and so falsely, utahime almost wanted to roll her eyes. 

“you sure?” she pressed, “because you’ve been kind of out of it-”

“i’m just tired.” you huffed softly, a sound meant to pass as a laugh but didn’t. both girls narrowed their eyes on you, “i’ve got a lot on my mind, okay?”

your words left you sharper than you intended and both girls exchanged a glance, quick and loaded like they were walking on eggshells. 

you could feel it in the way they spoke now, the way they watched your face for cracks. like if they moved wrong, you’d shatter. 

you hated that too. 

“i’m alright, seriously…” 

but you weren’t. you all knew it. 

something was missing. not loudly or catastrophically, but wrong. 

almost like walking into a room you’d lived in for years to find the furniture rearranged. just off. 

since the night of the game, your days had lost it’s anchor. 

you were used to him. you woke up expecting a text that never came. you fell asleep without knowing if he was okay. you walked across campus and kept turning your head, half convinced you’d see a familiar set of ruby eyes and tuft of pink locks paired with a familiar scowl moving towards you. 

you never did. 

the silence that was left behind was worse than any fight you’d ever had. because fighting meant he was still there, but this…it felt final. 

shoko shifted beside you, couch dipping slightly under her weight while utahime stayed where she was, watching and waiting. 

“have you eaten?” utahime questioned lightly as you took a sip of the warm tea in your hands. 

you simply hummed and they knew it was a lie. a small one, the kind you told without thinking. 

you haven’t had an appetite either lately, you supposed when there was the feeling of a hole in your chest, hunger is your last concern. 

utahime’s eyes flicked briefly to the kitchen, the untouched bowl of fruit on the counter the same as a few days ago, when usually you’d have to restock it by now. 

but she didn’t call you out on it, sighing softly instead, “you’ve been a bit quiet since the game.”

“have i?” you hummed, lifting the mug again without taking a drink, “i feel the same.”

that earned you a look. 

shoko tilted her head at you, eyes gentle as she studied you, “i mean…it’s okay if you don’t.”

“i know,” you flashed a smile, “good thing i am, though.”

your leg bounced once, twice, then stilled when you noticed utahime’s gaze drop to it. 

ugh, you hated how much they knew you. 

“you don’t have to pretend.” shoko softly stated and you almost flinched. 

there was the crack in the conversation that you refused to fall into. 

you inhaled slowly, attempting to steady yourself as you exhaled through your nose, “i’m not pretending.”

the words came out calm, measured, almost convincing. 

shoko leaned back, arms crossing loosely, “okay.”

just okay. no argument or insisting words, no pressure. 

somehow that was worse. 

you stared ahead, eyes unfocused as your thoughts drifted despite your efforts to corral them. it was a quiet sort of torture as you wondered where sukuna was, what he was doing, who he was with. 

i’m done. i’m so done, sukuna.

you exhaled gently as you practically shivered. were you? 

a part of you hoped you meant it, that you were done putting yourself through all the bullshit sukuna pulls from the possessiveness to the simple way he acts like he has the biggest say in your life. 

i’m done. i don’t wanna see you anymore. 

your eyes shut forcefully, urging the look on sukuna’s face when you had said that out of your mind. your heart clenched, fists clenched around the mug and breaths trembling. 

a bigger part of you, one you hated more than anything, knew that done wasn’t a word that could describe you and sukuna. maybe you had meant it at the time, maybe you even meant it now, but truthfully, it wasn’t your choice to make. it wasn’t even sukuna’s. 

whatever lived between you wasn’t something either of you had chosen. it had simply grown, quietly and relentlessly, wrapping itself around your entire beings until it became something unavoidable. like gravity or a tide. like fate in it’s most unforgiving form. 

you could walk away. you had walked away. but nothing about you and sukuna felt finished. 

because what hurt the most wasn’t even what occurred at the game. it wasn’t the shouting or the punches thrown, not the way his anger had burned through the stands and scorched everything in it’s path. it wasn’t even the look on his face when you had spoken up, all raw and furious and shattered all at once. 

it was before that. 

it was the moment earlier that day when you had finally admitted it to yourself. when the thing you had kept buried for years slipped past the plush of your lips in a room that felt too small to hold it. 

you were in love with ryomen sukuna. devastatingly and irreversibly so. 

you had never let yourself speak it aloud, you’d always lived around it. in half truths and justifications, in loyalty disguised as habit. 

naming it had made it real in a way nothing else ever had. 

and since you spoke it, you couldn’t take it back and fuck, you couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

your chest ached as the realization settled even deeper, heavier. 

because loving ryomen sukuna wasn’t a phase you would outgrow or a mistake you could correct. it was something that threaded itself through your childhood, your adolescence and your adulthood. 

it was in broken homes, bruised skin, fires and sleepless nights. it was in the way you knew him more than anyone ever will. it was in the way you had stayed up hoping he’d choose softness over fear. 

you had loved him silently for so long that quiet had become second nature and now that the truth existed out loud, it felt like you’d lost something vital. 

you pressed the mug to your lips once more, even though the tea was colder, even though it did nothing to soothe the ache beneath your ribs or mend whatever had broken inside you that night. 

your breath shook, just once, before you forced it steady.

you weren’t mourning the argument. 

you were mourning what could have been. the version of him that stayed. the version of you who didn’t feel like you had to walk away. 

you knew whatever lived between you would never just end cleanly. 

and no matter how much you ran from it, some part of you knew you’d always feel him. like a pull you couldn’t escape. 

like fate that refused to loosen it’s grip. 

☾

it was eight in the morning when you heard a knock on your door. 

you had woken up in the worst possible mood, your period was about to come and your cramps were already dreadful. 

and the pounding on the door did nothing to soothe your irritation. 

“m’coming!” you grumbled as you put down the hot water bottle you were preparing, hair still mussed from sleep, face puffy and a pout on your slightly swollen lips. 

with a sigh and brows furrowed with annoyance, you pulled the door open for your eyes to meet a familiar pair of icy blue orbs. you scowled immediately.

“what the fuck d’you want?”

the grumble that left your lips caused satoru’s brows to raise with both amusement and surprise. 

“now i know why i never see you in the mornings.”

you merely rolled your eyes, turning to walk back into your apartment, allowing satoru to step in and let the door close, following you into the kitchen as you began making your tea. 

“how’re you doin’, princess?” satoru questioned as he leaned against the counter, arms crossed , showcasing muscles that you knew girls drooled over. 

you barely glanced at him as you poured the water into the kettle. 

“m’fine.” you simply mumbled because if someone else questioned your state, you’d lose it. 

satoru simply hummed as he watched with observant eyes you couldn’t stand. 

it’d been a full week since the game and you hadn’t seen sukuna since. it was the longest you’d ever gone without speaking. 

it’s not like you were hoping he’d show up. well, not really. it’s just that you didn’t expect him to just let you end it all. you expected him to show up, fight you on it, be pissed and upset. 

alas, nothing of the sort came. 

and you did not want to address your sleepless nights or the constant ache in your chest and it’s possible relation to the situation. 

the kettle clicked softly as it settled, steam rising in lazy spirals between you and satoru. the quiet stretched, thick and uncomfortable, until even you could feel it pressing in. 

satoru was weirdly quiet, serious and it unnerved you.  

satoru watched you over the counter, blue eyes unusually subdued. 

gone was the usual cocky grin, the theatrics, the effortless charm he wore like armor. 

he looked careful. like he’d rehearsed this moment and still didn’t know how to start. 

“what’s going on, satoru?” you questioned gently, abandoning your tea in favor of watching your friend visibly attempt to articulate his words in his head before speaking them aloud. 

“sukuna’s missing.”

your hands paused against the mug, just for a second but satoru caught it. 

you looked down with a clearing of your throat as you occupied yourself with your tea once more. 

“missed a day of practice,” he continued, voice casual in the way people get when they’re trying not to scare someone, “then two. then the whole week.”

you resumed stirring, slow and methodical, like you weren’t even listening at all. 

but he knew you were. 

and you were. your heart thumped rapidly against your ribs, hands trembling the slightest bit at his admission. 

“coach is losing his mind,” satoru added, softer now, “threatening suspensions, benching, all that fun stuff.”

still, you gave no indication that you had even heard him. 

your tea bag string floated uselessly against the rim of the mug. you stared at it, jaw tight and heart doing that awful, familiar thing where it tried to claw its way up your throat. 

“he hasn’t been at the frat either,” satoru went on, pushing gently, “room’s untouched, phone’s going straight to voicemail, we all tried him.”

and your shoulders stiffened, spine straightening as you turned just slightly, doe eyes narrowing, “why are you telling me this?”

satoru met your gaze evenly, no teasing or grin. utterly serious and equally concerned. 

“because you’re you and you’re the only person he’s ever listened to.”

you scoffed gently, turning back to your tea, “it has nothing to do with me, satoru. like i told him, i’m done.”

satoru scoffed instantly, “it has everything to do with you. don’t-just don’t do that thing where you pretend you don’t matter to him. i’ve seen that guy wreck himself over you since freshman year.”

you swallowed tensely, wanting to speak up immediately but there was a lump in your throat. the kitchen felt smaller, tighter. 

“he didn’t even come to yell at me…” you muttered, more to yourself than him and feeling so utterly stupid, “clearly, he’s fine.”

satoru shook his head, “we both know that’s not true.”

silence fell again, heavier and tenser this time. 

you knew where sukuna was. 

you’d known the second the days stretched on without a word, without a fight, without his presence looming somewhere on campus like a storm waiting to break. you’d known because you knew him. because there were only a few places he went when he needed to feel grounded and where you were wasn’t an option. 

“i’m not asking you to forgive him, okay? he messed up, i know that..” satoru state carefully, stepping closer but stopping short, like he knew better than to crowd you, “i’m just asking you to help us find him, get him back. the team needs him, alright?”

you need him. 

a cruel little voice added. 

you pressed your lips together, blinking hard. 

“i meant it when I said told him i was done.” your words left you soft, quiet. 

satoru studied you, something sgentle flickering in his gaze, “i’m sure you did…at the time.” 

the insinuation hung heavy between you and your eyes turned glassy. 

maybe it was your period or the soft way satoru was looking at you, like the breakdown that occurs when people ask if you’re okay when you’re already on the verge of tears. 

or maybe it was simply the weight of the entire week finally crushing you. 

but you allowed a tear to fall, just once, just a little semblance of relief. 

“he won’t listen to me.” you sniffled softly, wiping your cheeks as satoru sighed gently, your name leaving his lips as a whisper. 

“you’re still you,” your name left him once more, “he’ll listen to no one else, even if he’s pissed.”

something fractured inside you and you turned away before he could see it, sense it. 

the way your eyes glassed even more, your chest tightened until breathing felt like work. your fingers curled around the mug, heat seeping into your skin like an anchor.

a long moment passed before you spoke again, willing your voice to remain steady. 

“i’ll get him back.”

satoru’s shoulders loosened in visible relief, “yeah?”

you nodded once.

you didn’t tell him where sukuna was or how you knew. 

you didn’t tell him that the thought of seeing him again made your stomach twist. 

fuck, you’d never learn how to leave sukuna alone. 

☾

“thank you…” you murmured softly to the uber driver, shutting the door as he offered a nod. 

you let out a sigh as you turned to face the large house, memories of summers spent alongside sukuna, yuji and their grandfather filling your vision. 

you huffed gently, temples throbbing after a four hour train ride and a forty-five minute uber that cost you way too much. 

but you had made it. 

the house loomed ahead of you, all white shingles and wide windows. the kind of place that only ever felt alive in july. 

now, it stood hollow and still, wrapped in winter silence, dunes dusted pale and the ocean beyond dark and quiet. 

with a small sigh, you climbed the steps slowly, fingers numb from the cold and something heavier in your chest. you shivered as a gust of wind blew your hair around, freezing even with your jacket and scarf. 

the code to the door was muscle memory, a set of numbers you knew by heart since you were younger. 

you didn’t even think as you punched it in, the soft beep echoing as the lock clicked open, sounding far too loud in the quiet. you didn’t want to admit just how nervous you were. 

what were you even going to say to him? what would he say back?

the door creaked when you pushed it in, warmth enveloping you as you allowed the door to shut, the interior smelling faintly of salt and something achingly familiar. 

it felt wrong to be here without him greeting you, without him having been the one to drive you here. 

you moved through the quiet, a chill traveling down your spine as your wide eyes studied the familiar space, shoes echoing against the hardwood. 

the living room was untouched, furniture draped in white sheets, fireplace cold and framed photos still lining the mantle. 

your fingers brushed over a familiar photo of you and sukuna at thirteen years old, all toothy grins and cold cokes in hand, your hair blowing and sukuna’s pink hair in a buzzcut. your heart squeezed fondly. 

the photo beside it was you both at eighteen, sukuna’s hand on your hip, pulling you back against him, his chest to your back as you both smiled at the camera. his smirk soft and your grin pretty. all salty hair and tan skin.

“focus.” you whispered gently, ignoring your throat tightening.

you moved through the house slowly, quietly like you were afraid to wake something. 

upstairs was empty, guest room untouched, his old room the same. 

he wasn’t here. 

your heart sank, dread blooming sharp and immediate. 

with a small sigh, you opened the glass door that led to the beach and you quickly noticed it. the wind tore at your hair as you wrapped your coat tighter around yourself, eyes scanning the stretch of sand beyond the deck. 

there he was, down by the waterline. 

sukuna was barefoot, wearing nothing but a pair of dark shorts and a fleece jacket that did little to protect him from the cold. his skin was flushed, muscles tight and clenching as he sprinted across the sand, back and forth, burpees at the end of each short sprint. he pushed himself through brutal reps like he was trying to outrun something inside him. 

you willed yourself to have some courage, pep-talk sounding in your mind as you urged yourself to not turn back. you moved forward despite the ache in your chest that only increased as he got closer. 

the ocean roared behind him, waves crashing hard and relentless. the wind whipped his hair back from his face, pink locks damp with sweat and salt as his chest heaved, beanie on his head. 

he looked feral, untethered. almost like he was punishing himself. 

then he turned and your eyes met from a distance. 

sukuna visibly froze, chest heaving as his eyes assessed you like they always did. 

the moment stretched thin and fragile, like glass about to shatter. 

sukuna’s chest rose sharply, breath hitching once before his jaw clenched hard. his eyes dragged over you slowly like he didn’t trust what he was seeing. like you might disappear if you blinked. 

you didn’t move at first, neither did he. 

the wind howled between you, carrying salt and cold and all the things you’d never said. 

finally, with a small gulp, you forced your feet forward, shoes sinking into sand as you closed the distance. every step felt like the sand beneath you was quick sand, like you were walking to your doom.

you stopped a few feet from him and you wished you didn’t. 

dark circles painted his under eyes, knuckles split raw and shoulders tense like he was bracing for impact. 

your chest tightened painfully. 

“your friends are worried about you.” you stated, firm and flat, like you hadn’t crossed four hours and a lifetime to stand in front of him, “you’ve missed a week of practice and coach is pissed.”

his mouth twisted, scowl painting his features as his jaw clenched. 

that familiar, bitter curl of his lip made something snap inside you. 

“that why you came all this way?” he scoffed, voice sharp and cold as the wind against your face, “to play messenger?”

you bristled immediately, “excuse me?” 

he scoffed with a shake of his head, “fuckin’ wasting your time.”

the anger that split through is one you haven’t felt in a while. 

“listen, asshole,” you snapped, “you don’t get to just disappear like that, not from your team when they’re counting on you and not from yuji.” 

his eyes flashed, “yuji’s fine.” 

“but you wouldn’t know that, sukuna, you’re not answering anyone!” you shot back, anger bleeding through, “stop acting like a child! your friends need you, your team-”

“and you?” he cut you off, stepping closer, eyes blazing, “i don’t give a flyin’ fuck about them. what about you?” 

your name left his lips as his jaw clenched and you faltered for half a second. 

you didn’t say anything and his expression hardened. 

“fuckin’ go home, okay? i don’t want you here.” 

he turned around, turned away from you and with a small gasp, you snapped and moved forward. 

“you are such a little shit!” you exclaimed as you gripped the fabric of his fleece, turning him around as your doe eyes turned glassy with rage, “after everything you did, you’re pissed?! what right do you have, sukuna-“

“you fuckin’ walked away from me,” he cut you off, voice low and dangerous as he pointed a finger at you, words smothered with something akin to pain, “tellin' me you’re done, that you don’t wanna see me again and now you’re here tellin' me what i owe everyone else?” 

your breath came sharp, gulping softly as you willed your tears not to fall. 

the wind tugged at him, ocean thundering behind him and for a moment, it looked like he might say something devastating but instead, his jaw tightened.

“you promised,” your name left him roughly, “you promised you’d never leave.”

your heart cracked clean down the middle. 

“i didn’t leave,” you snapped as the tears fell against your efforts, tears of pure frustration and anger, “you did this! you pushed me away-“

“don’t fuckin’ say that! i would never fuckin'-”

“you did! you did! you always-“

“you walked away!”

“because you gave me no choice!” 

his eyes darted and the silence that followed was thick and trembling, stretched tight between two people who knew each other too well and not enough at all.

he laughed then, low and laced with bitterness. 

“no choice?” he repeated, tasting the words like something sour, “that’s fuckin’ ridiculous, woman-”

your chest burned, “you’re a dick!”

“and you’re a fuckin’ liar!” he snapped, stepping closer once more, heat rolling off him despite the cold, “you stood there and told me you were done, after fuckin’ everything we’ve been through! you looked me in the eye and said you didn’t wanna see me anymore! me! what the fuck am i supposed to do with that?!” 

you swallowed hard, refusing to look away, “respect it.”

his eyes flickered, just for a second, like your words landed somewhere that hurt. 

“respect it?” his voice lowered, anger cracking through but something even deeper following, “i’ve spent my whole life making sure you were okay. i’ve spent every single day since i was fucking twelve years old thinking about you, about keeping you safe, about showing up for you and the second i fuck up-“

“you didn’t just fuck up once!” a choked sob left you, “you do it all the time, sukuna! you won’t let me live my fucking life and you won’t even admit that maybe-“

you stopped then. you swallowed the words and watched as his face twisted. 

maybe you feel for me like i do for you. maybe there’s a reason behind it all. 

maybe. maybe. maybe. 

“look,” you let out a breath, “i didn’t come here to fight with you.”

“sure as hell feels like it.” he breathed out as you shook your head. 

“i came because i know you,” you said softly, “and i know when you’re self-sabotaging. and whether you like it or not, people still need you and people are still counting on you.” 

his eyes softened just a fraction at that, barely noticeable but you noticed. you always did. 

“you don’t.” he murmured quietly, watching you through his lashes. 

your heart stuttered, “that’s not true.”

your eyes never left him, glassy but fierce as you remained firm with your words even through the bone-crushing hurt you felt. 

“sukuna,” you stepped forward, “through every fucking bruise and every stupid decision you made, even when you did everything in your power to push me away, to make me hate you, i stayed.”

his eyes flickered with something, jaw clenching as his eyes coated with a sheen you hadn’t seen since you were younger. and he softened. 

for the first time, it wasn’t you who caved, it was him. something gentle and regretful took over him and you let out a soft sob. 

your chest ached, grief and frustration tangling until you couldn’t tell them apart. 

“you’re my best friend, sukuna…” you breathed out, hands falling limp by your sides in utter defeat, “above all else, you really are.”

are. are. he allowed the word to ring through his head, soothing whatever had broken in him a while ago.  

he stared at you like he was seeing you clearly for the first time, the wind tugging at him and goosebumps rising along his skin but he didn’t seem to notice at all. 

“if i come back,” he said slowly, carefully, “what then?”

and you knew he wasn’t asking about the frat or the team. he was asking about you, about both of you. about whatever you had been nurturing since your younger years. 

you hesitated and in that hesitation lived everything he was afraid of. 

“that’s not up to me,” you stated finally, “i’m not promising you anything. i just need you to show up and stop running away. for yourself.” 

silence settled between you again, heavy and familiar. 

then he sighed deeply, like a man who’d been fighting himself for far too long. 

“let’s go.” he muttered, turning away toward the path leading up to the house. 

your heart jumped, “what?”

was he really listening to you?

“i’ll drive us back in the morning,” he stated gruffly, “it’s cold as balls and it’s gonna snow.”

you stood frozen for a moment, shock but relief and something softer you wouldn’t name washing through you. 

“you’ll come back?” you questioned, almost afraid to hear the answer. 

he paused, one hand gripping the strap of the duffel you hadn’t seen placed on the sand. 

“tomorrow.” he stated, avoiding your gaze as he began moving once more, “right now, i’m hungry and cold and you’re probably starving too.”

you were. you never could eat if you were anxious about something. 

you followed him into the house. 

☾

the house creaked softly as the heater kicked on, pipes rattling like they were waking up from a long sleep. 

outside, the first snow of the season began to fall, light at first then steadier. you watched the flakes tap against the window like hesitant fingers. 

you stood by the guest bedroom window, watching the snow fall slowly against the glass. 

you had spent the better part of forty minutes in the shower, letting the water run hot until your skin felt warm again. 

you found your things easily. 

the guest room sukuna’s grandfather deemed as your own holding some of your things that you’d left over the years. soft cotton pajama you’d left behind that summer against your skin. your sheets still smelled faintly of sunscreen and salt, you’d have to change before you slept. 

you moved towards the bathroom and completed your skincare, huffing as you looked for a hairbrush for your damp hair. 

fuck, you didn’t leave one behind. 

you groaned gently as you thought of any other solution that didn’t include asking sukuna. 

you hesitated outside his room. the door was already slightly ajar, light spilling into the hall in a warm and low stripe. you told yourself you’d knock anyway. you didn’t.

you watched him, shirtless and only in a pair of grey boxers, move through the room, slow and methodical, like he had all the time in the world. 

you gulped softly at the sight of his chiseled chest and arms, so devastatingly handsome. his pink locks were damp and clean, the feel of humidity and smell of sandalwood reaching you. 

sukuna moved to stand in front of the mirror, back to you and towel tossed carelessly on the foot of his bed. he was digging through his drawers, muscles shifting under skin that bore too many stories. 

his skin was littered with tattoos and scars alike. your heart clenched. 

you pushed the door open just a little as watched him. then your head tilted, eyes catching on the ink on his hip bone, low and hidden. a tattoo you’d never seen before. 

and you knew every single tattoo he had. 

you squinted gently as you tried to catch the small…letters?

as if in a trance, you slipped inside like a cat, quiet and slow as you moved towards the pink haired boy you’d known for a decade. 

your eyes were still transfixed on the delicate line of ink, almost out of place on him. 

your breath caught so sharply, it hurt. 

and when your foot hit a faulty place on the hardwood floor, the creak allowed sukuna to be aware of your presence, looking up immediately as he watched you through the mirror. 

“what’re you-“

it was the initial of your first name followed by a little anchor. 

your heart felt like it was beating out of your chest, like it’d jump through your skin into his hands, where it had always belonged. 

where you had placed it at twelve years old. 

your fingers touched his skin before you could even realize that you had entered and sukuna tensed. 

“don’t-“

a small gasp left your lips. there it was. 

your initial with a tiny anchor. your eyes weren’t deceiving you. 

a long few seconds passed before you glanced up to finally meet his gaze. 

“when did you-” you practically gasped out the words, gulping gently. 

“after the fire.” his words were almost quiet and tears filled your eyes. 

an anchor. his anchor. 

your chest caved inward. 

“for me?” you whispered, even though you already knew. 

his laugh was breathless, bitter and soft, “who else?”

silence swallowed the room. 

you felt like you were standing at the edge of something vast and dangerous and achingly familiar. 

“i didn’t know ab-” your voice broke, “you never told me.”

“didn’t think i needed to.” he finally met your gaze, hand moving to touch your wrist as your fingers still lightly pressed against the skin of his hip, “you’re the reason i’m still here, i never hid that.”

your name left him then, soft and definitive in a way you could barely stomach. 

your hand fell away like you’d burned yourself. 

sukuna’s eyes were dark, unreadable, searching your face like he was trying to memorize it all over again. as if it wasn’t all he saw and all he knew anyways. 

you had no words for the overwhelming amount of emotions inside you, pushing and coming in waves as you tried to calm yourself. 

you panicked then panicked even more, “i should go.”

you went to turn when sukuna’s hand clasped over your wrist, “stay.”

your eyes met his once more. the snow thickened outside, blanketing the house in quiet. 

the air was thick between you as your eyes never left his, urging and quiet as your mind processed everything. everything from a week ago to now. 

you didn’t remember moving. only that the space between you was suddenly gone. 

it wasn’t romantic. there was no sharp inhale, no declaration and no moment where one of you decided anything. 

it was simple. 

one second you were standing there, hearts thundering loud enough to drown out everything and the next, you were against him. 

you didn’t know who leaned in first, only that you were kissing ryomen sukuna. 

your lips pressed against his in one motion, lips soft against his slightly chapped ones. 

it was soft at first, unmoving as if you were both trying to register what was happening. hesitant in the way people are when they’ve wanted something for so long, they’re afraid it might vanish if they move too fast. 

then his hand came up, slow and reverent as his fingers slid into your damp hair like he’d memorized the weight of it in his dreams alone. 

then it began. 

a heavy groan left him and sounded against your lips as his other hand now slid into your hair, gripping and maneuvering your head to tilt and meet his lips deeper. 

a low moan left you as your lips moved against his, his tongue brushing against your bottom lip, making you whimper gently. 

your fingers pressed against his abdomen at the same moment his fingers tightened in your hair, grounding and trembling. the world narrowed down to the warmth between you, snow pressing softly against the windows. 

everything you’d never said lived in that kiss. 

every night you’d stayed. 

every time he’d pulled back. 

every stupid ounce of hope you’d held onto like a life raft.

then reality crashed in. 

you were kissing ryomen sukuna. your ryomen sukuna. 

you pulled away with a gasp, breaths uneven and doe eyes wide as you stared at him like you’d just crossed a line you couldn’t uncross. 

“oh my god…” you whispered gently, chest heaving as your mind ran with thoughts you wanted to quiet. ones you didn’t want to face. 

sukuna didn’t move. 

his lips were swollen, chest heaving and eyes locked on yours like he was afraid to blink. like if he did, you’d disappear.

then his hands tightened against your hair, one moving down to your back and just like that, he was pulling you against him, rough and desperate, like his restraint had finally snapped. 

years and years of waiting and hoping poured into that kiss. 

his lips moved feverishly against yours, fast and desperate as you tried to keep up, lips wet from his own ministrations. 

he groaned against you, tongue parting your lips and colliding with your own. 

you whimpered against him as his hands moved to your thighs. he leaned down and you needed no more direction. his big hands gripped the plush of your thighs as he pulled you up against him, your legs wrapped around his hips as his hands travelled up and down your body, resting on the plush of your ass. 

his mouth was crashing against yours with hunger, over and over again, groans and moans leaving both your lips. the kiss was messy, teeth knocking and breathing shared too fast. years of denial and need burned white hot. 

your hand found the nape of his neck, the other tugging at his pink locks as his growl vibrated against your lips, low and broken, and you felt it everywhere.  

“fuck, fuck…” sukuna murmured against you, his first words since the beginning of your kiss. he had so much to say but saying something meant pulling away and he couldn’t. 

physically and mentally, he couldn’t. pulling away wasn’t an option, not when he’d wanted this for so long, his chest ached. 

“kuna…” you whispered against his lips as sukuna groaned, allowing you to catch your breath as his lips left hot and wet kisses down the skin of your jaw, your neck, your collarbones then back up. 

“look at me…” he demanded, low and so him, you felt your entire body react. 

you complied, doe eyes gazing up at him through your lashes, half-lidded and absolutely gone.

his eyes almost rolled to the back of his head with need, hands moving up to grip your cheeks, his touch a gentle contrast to the desperation in his movements. 

he couldn’t take it anymore, moving again as his lips met yours, his boxers significantly tightening and his chest burned with need. 

his legs moved before his mind could catch up, adamant to not pull away from you as you met his desperation head-on. 

your tongue swiped against his lip then your teeth sunk into the swell as he groaned lewdly. 

“fuck, baby, you’re killing me.” he groaned as his knees hit the edge of the bed causing you to drop against the plush of the mattress, chest heaving as you watched him. he stood by the end of the bed, all muscle and need. 

for years, he’d dreamed of this exact moment. for years, you'd hoped he’d see you the way you saw him. 

memories and history so deep between you both. wanting, hoping, dreaming and everything in between. 

“please…” your words were breathless as you spoke, practically teary as you tilted your head, resting back on your elbows to gaze up at him. “ryo…” 

he was fucking gone for you, so deeply infatuated, he could barely see straight. 

he was atop you again, eyes on yours as his breath tickled your lips. 

“what do you want, angel?” he whispered against you as you moaned gently, hips bucking to meet his, “i’ll give you anything you want, you just gotta tell me.” 

a huff left your lips. fuck, you were out of it. 

sukuna pressed wet kisses against your swollen lips, small pecks as he urged you to speak. 

your hands moved to grip his cheeks, pulling him in fully as you deepened the kiss once more. 

sukuna allowed it for a moment, two before pulling back. 

“nah, baby…” he murmured against you as you breathed against him, “i’ve dreamed of this for too long for you not to tell me you want me…”

you whined against his lips, nose brushing against his as he smirked against you. 

“fuck, you’re everything, you’re fucking it for me,” he pecked your lips once, twice, three times before forcing himself away, “tell me you want me, brat. tell me you want me like i fuckin’ want you.”

you shook your head against his as he immediately nodded, “yeah, tell me, baby. cmon, use your words and i’ll give you anything you want, you know i will, i always do.” 

it was a moment suspended in time, a moment where the rush and need and desperation slowed. 

for just a moment, your eyes met sukuna’s, wide and a little unsure. 

a moment where you’d finally realized what was happening, where it had dawned on you that you were kissing your ryo. 

the boy you’d known most of your life. the boy you’d felt for since you were a teenager. 

and sukuna was absolutely insatiable. this had to be what it feels like getting everything you’d wished for. 

you felt like a dream. 

his forehead dipped to yours, breath hot and uneven, nose brushing your own like he was grounding himself. 

as if he was afraid you’d vanish if he didn’t stay close enough. 

you felt it then, you swore you did.

not just how badly he wanted you but how long he had. 

your fingers tremble where they rested against his chest, right over his heart. 

“want you, ryo…” 

his eyes darkened a fraction, hands tightening against you and his nostrils flared. 

fuck fuck fuck. 

he devoured you then, not rushed or frantic. but like he’d finally stopped holding himself back, like he’d finally accepted that this was real and wasn’t a fucked up figment of his deepest dreams and desires. 

this was you. his you. wanting him just as much as he wanted you. 

and he felt every restraint he’d ever built around you crumbling all at once. 

his hands found you with certainty, palms warm and grounding against your cheeks as his lips moved with intention. your breath tangled with his, fingers clutching at bare skin, at familiarity, at something that felt inevitable in the most terrifying way. 

years collapsed between heartbeats. 

you pulled away to haphazardly take your cotton tank top off, allowing the fabric to collect on the floor. 

his eyes darted to your breasts as you gulped gently. 

“fuck…” it seemed to be the only thing he could say as he peppered kisses down the bare skin of your flushed neck to the skin of your collarbones to the tops of your breasts before looking up at you through his lashes, “prettiest fuckin’ thing i’ve ever seen…” 

you moaned softly, fingers tangling against his pink locks as you tugged him up once more to meet your lips. 

his hand descended down and further down, thumb now caressing your hipbone and when you bucked, he slipped his hands into your soft shorts and you gasped. 

“ryo…”

“i know, baby, lemme feel you…” his other hand pulled your shorts down and they met your shirt on the floor.

you gasped against him as you felt his fingers touch you where no one ever had before. 

“k-kuna, i-‘ive never-“ you whispered against him, almost frantic and he moved to pepper kisses against your face. 

“shh, i know, baby…” you fingers continued their ministrations, gentler maybe but still overwhelming as you watched him with glassy doe eyes, “it’s just me, yeah?” 

you nodded against him as his fingers brushed your most sensitive spot, watching with eyes so dark as your head fell back against the pillows, so utterly overwhelmed in the best way possible. 

“feel good, baby?” his voice was low, deep and dark. he was practically buzzing with need, trembling to finally feel you but he knew he had to go slow. 

“feels r-really good, kuna…” 

his eyes shut tight, your mere voice almost pushing him over the edge. 

fuck fuck fuck. 

sukuna was absolutely gone, he was gone. 

he groaned against you over and over as he continued to touch and prod and push, his mere touch sending you over the edge, trembling and whimpering against him. 

“you okay, baby?” his hand, still wet, caressed the skin of your side as you tried to catch your breath. 

“mhmm.” you simply hummed, eyes shut and so insanely pretty, it had his heart clenching. 

“never touched yourself, brat?” his voice was soft, almost coaxing as you kept your eyes shut but heat found its way to your cheeks and he knew the answer. something animalistic in him snapped then.

fuck, he loved that he was the only one who’d made you feel this way. 

“m’tired, ryo…” you murmured against him as he kissed you repeatedly, soft kisses that had your heart fluttering, kisses you didn’t think ryomen sukuna was capable of. 

he chuckled against you, low and deep as he kissed your cheek softly, your eyes still shut and breathing slowing more and more. 

he couldn’t even blame you. 

he continued to touch you softly, caressing your skin to coax you to sleep, lips never leaving your face for more than a second as he littered soft kisses against you. 

and later, much later, the house was silent except for the wind rattling against the windows and low, steady sounds of your breathing against his chest. 

you lay tangled together, warmth pressed to warmth, his arm heavy around your back, moving uo and down your spine like an anchor. somehow, you had laid fully atop him, one leg tangled against his own while the other hooked uno and around his hip. he didn’t mind. not even a little. 

he couldn’t sleep, fingers absentmindedly tracing the same familiar patterns along your soft skin he’d traced a hundred time before, only now, there was nothing between you at all. 

sleep took him gently then and he reluctantly succumbed. he didn’t want to face tomorrow or your possible regret. he didn’t want this to be a blip in your relationship. 

he wouldn’t let it be. not again. 

☾

“don’t! don’t go, please!” 

sukuna kept walking, quick and heavy, down the sidewak, ignoring your pleading. off to god knows where. 

“sukuna! ryo, please-“

he spun around to face you then, eyes wild and frantic and so utterly broken. 

wide with pain he’d known for far too long. 

“i can’t! i can’t stay, fuck, goddamnit, i can’t do it anymore!” his foot kicked against a tree. 

you let out a sob, you had already been crying, face flush with tears, cheeks hot and eyes bloodshot. 

“y-you have to! you have to, ryo-“ 

sukuna scoffed then, hands moving to his hair, gripping and harshly pulling till his scalp pricked with pain that amounted to nothing compared to what he was used to at a mere sixteen years old. 

“fuck that shit! i can’t fuckin’ take it anymore!” he practically yelled then, tears pricking his eyes as he watched you fall apart. his chest clenched with so much emotion, he thought he’d die right there. 

you sobbed and sobbed, moving forward to grip his sweater, as if your touch alone would keep him here. with you. 

your eyes caught his own, the skin around blue and black causing your chest to cave in. 

“i know, i know, ryo-“ 

“you don’t know shit!” your name left him with anguish, not angry, not even bitter, but utterly devastated. “y’don’t know…y’don’t know what it’s like…”

and you didn’t. you knew you didn’t. you didn’t know what it’s like to wake up and go to sleep in a home where the walls continuously closed in. where silence felt safer than sound, where pain met you at every corner. 

but fuck, if you didn’t try to help. if you didn’t try to take some of that pain away. he had to know that.

his chest heaved as he looked down at you, shaking his head as your tears fell with each breath. 

“w-what about yuji?” you sobbed against him, eyes looking up at him with so much sorrow, “what about me?” 

he let out a choked sob then, “what about me?! what about me?!” 

he snapped, your name leaving his lips as a cry. 

you paused then. what about him? 

your fingers loosened against his sweater as you watched him sob, tears of utter heartache leaving him like shallow breaths. 

“what about me?” he breathed out finally as you took a step back, cries dying down like you’d been hit by a truck. 

the tears fell without sound as you gazed upon your pink haired friend, the broken boy who you’d tried to make whole with every piece of you. 

with a small nod, your hands clenched at your sides, gazing down in surrender. 

sukuna was taken aback by your dejection, by your acceptance of his leaving. 

he should be grateful and maybe he was. 

but there was something that overpowered any semblance of relief in him. 

the thought of leaving you. 

he couldn’t, could he? 

his eyes met your own, chest heaving with effort as your doe eyes watched him, heartbreak painting your pretty features. 

your eyes watched him like you’d already grieved him. like you’d buried what you’d had because it was too painful to think about. 

“okay…” the word left your lips, barely classifying as a whisper if he wasn’t so in tune with you. 

he gulped softly, eyes assessing you like this was some sick joke and you’d call the cops to find him as soon as he left. “go, kuna. i won’t stop you.” 

his head tilted, heart thundering and breaking all at once. it was some twisted fate, he was sure. 

he wondered what it’d be like in another life. 

if he wasn’t such a charity case, if he wasn’t a broken mess. would he be good enough then? 

would he be worthy enough? 

memories flashed like some sick film, of you and him. of you. 

his constant. his anchor. 

he let out a sob as the thought of leaving actually dawned on him and you watched him break. 

but he had to. he wanted to. 

right? 

as if a switch flipped, he forced himself to breathe, to calm down and he stopped crying. 

his eyes were still bloodshot, he was still trembling but he willed himself steady. 

sukuna nodded once, eyes meeting yours once more and he felt something crawl up his throat again. 

fuck, he hoped he wouldn’t ever forget your eyes. if he would lose all his memories, if he’d never remember a thing from his miserable goddamn life, please, let him not forget your eyes. or your voice. 

as a soft sob left your lips, you watched him turn, eyes never leaving his back as he walked away, your heart fracturing more and more with every step. 

then he stopped. 

your breath hitched as he turned around once more, jaw clenched as he watched you from further away. had he changed his mind? 

please please please. 

he moved towards you then, steps quick as he stopped before you, your eyes gazing up at him with that same damn hope he thought he’d killed a long time ago. 

“take care of yuji, yeah?” your heart broke as you bit your lip to hold in a sob, nodding nonetheless, “tell him i loved him, okay?” 

a sob left you then as you nodded frantically, pleads at the tip of your tongue once more. 

sukuna nodded at your agreement, eyes glassy with tears that would fall as soon as he turned. 

he leaned down and kissed the corner of your mouth, then your cheek. 

“tell yourself i loved you most, brat.” 

it was a whisper against your ear. 

and your heart had split in two. 

you barely registered the soft kiss against your lips, quick, as if he himself didn’t think before doing it. 

your first kiss.

you didn’t even see his face properly before he’d already turned around and walked away. 

and he’d left you standing there, hand to your chest where your heart thumped but split in half. 

and he’d regret that night for the rest of his life. 

☾

ahhh this one was super packed + sad, lowk need to write for the gojo series now for a break 😔😔

also omg sukuna and reader are so ribs coded it makes me sick lowk (kinda wanna make a playlist for them)

warnings | (mdni) mentions of abuse / physical child abuse / violence / trauma flashbacks / implied ptsd / panic attacks / toxic dynamics

series masterlist | three

☾ your name left his mouth in what could only be described as a gut-wrenching wail. yuji’s name followed. then yours again. and again. and again. 

he could feel the heat even twenty feet away, hot and scorching, quickly becoming a sight that would haunt him for years and years to come. 

“son, please calm down-“ the man in the fire suit placed a hand against his chest as a teenage sukuna thrashed against him, “kid, please-“

sukuna was absolutely inconsolable, feral and aggressive as he pushed against all three men who held him back, hot tears staining his cheeks.

“fucking let me go-let me go-“ he thrashed and pushed and screamed, “m-my brother! my-my girlfriend-“

he was heaving, chest moving with effort as his heart clenched and hurt beyond what he ever thought was imaginable.

“son, nobody was inside besides the man-“

“YOU’RE LYING! THEY’RE IN THERE, PLEASE-“ his voice cracked, raw and shredded, spilling out of him like something tore loose, “i left them, i left them-“

the firefighters tightened their hold, boots scraping against pavement as they fought to keep him from hurling himself back into the house that was now nothing but a wall of flame. 

the men exchanged looks of concern, even their heart clenching at the teenager thrashing in their arms. 

“the structure’s compromised, kid, you can’t-“

“YUJI-“ his scream ripped out of him, feral and breaking all at once, “you don’t understand, please-“ your name left his lips in a scream, tears falling faster, “she-SHE’S STILL-“

another wave of flames emerged, an explosion of heat burst from the windows, glass raining down like glittering shards across the lawn. 

sukuna jerked forward viciously, legs buckling, only to surge up again as he tried to drag all three grown men with him toward the blaze. even at sixteen, he was 6’4 and strong enough, the men struggling to stay in place.

his throat burned from the smoke and his eyes burned from the tears.

and god, his chest burned from a terror so violent, it felt like a second fire.

“please-“ his voice fell apart mid-word, “please, they’re-“

no one heard him. or maybe they did. maybe they just couldn’t bear to answer. 

the world blurred, red flashes of trucks and flames, the shrill cry of sirens, the billowing clouds of black smoke swallowing the night whole.

and all sukuna could do was scream your name into it. again and again and again. 

until his voice gave out, along with his knees as they slammed against asphalt. 

until he fell something inside him fracture in a way nothing would ever mend, a darkness swallowing him so disturbingly, he went numb. 

he would never, ever be the same again-

a gasp tore out of sukuna’s chest as he sat up in bed, navy sheets pooling at his hips as his hand went to tremble against his heart. 

his breaths were sharp, uneven, each inhale catching like his lungs were still full of smoke. 

hands shaking and eyes wide as he looked around the room, mind whirring and urging him to ground himself. to remind himself that it passed. 

did it?

the ghost of heat still clung to his skin. the echo of his screaming, the sound of the house falling apart still rang inside his skull like an old wound reopening. 

he pushed himself up from the mattress, nearly stumbling, clad in his black boxers as he walked over to the makeshift small living area in his room, heart stilling at the flash of pink hair on the couch. 

yuji was snoring loudly, mouth open as he twitched here and there with whatever dream his conscious was conjuring up. he hoped something much lighter than his own. 

sukuna would never admit he stood there for a full five minutes, watching and assessing before finally taking a breath. his shoulders loosened just a fraction, tension leaving him slowly, reluctantly, like it didn’t want to. 

then you came to mind and he stilled once more. 

your face flicked behind his eyelids again, the way you looked that night before he left. before the fire, before it all. 

the way you begged him to stay, the tears soaking your cheeks, doe eyes wet and wide with so much pain, pain he caused and he’d never forgive himself for it. 

he exhaled shakily, rubbing a hand over his jaw as the terror he only felt occasionally when the memories resurfaced, rose like a tide, swallowing him whole. 

you weren’t here, he couldn’t check. you weren’t safe in his line of sight. 

naturally, his mind wouldn’t calm and he couldn’t breathe. his pulse hammered, hands raking through his locks as he marched over to his phone and glanced at the time. 

it was ten in the morning. and it was a tuesday. meaning you were at your drug design lecture. 

before his mind could catch up to his heart, before he could even fully wake up, he was pulling on his sweats and hoodie, rushing into the bathroom to quickly brush his teeth. 

his mind was still conjuring up torturous images of that night, a sharp pain behind his sternum so evident, he had to take a breath before grabbing his phone and keys and leaving the room. 

he barely remembered the drive, only the way his hands trembled around the steering wheel, knuckles bone-white, breath trapped somewhere in his chest. 

the campus was loud when he parked his truck, bustling with students but all sukuna could hear was the pounding of his heart, like fists against a locked door. 

his classic scowl painted his tattooed features, students turning to glance at the man, some with fear, some with lust and interest. very standard reactions to ryomen sukuna. 

his hood was up, though a tendril of pink hair escaped the confines of his hood, hands stuffed in his pockets as he made his way through everybody. his tight jaw and wild eyes made people move out of the way without thinking.

you were somewhere in that goddamn building and he needed, no, his body demanded to see you. to see you breathing. to see you alive and smiling and being you. 

he never liked to address this need to see you everyday, at least once. his eyes needed to assess you every single day, just to check. just in case. 

he was sure you noticed too and you probably thought it was irrational. weird, maybe. 

but you never complained and frankly, he didn’t care. this was for him. for his peace of mind. 

his long strides echoed down the corridor, breaths uneven and chest still tight with phantom smoke. 

he glanced at the time on his phone, seeing that enough time had passed that you should be out any time soon. 

and like fate had played a role, students began filling out the lecture hall just as he’d reached the door, chatter loud and unimportant. 

and then his eyes softened exponentially in a way that was almost comical. absolutely ridiculous how fast his heart had taken the front seat. 

there you were. your head bowed slightly as you shoved your ipad into your tote, soft hair falling over your cheek, brushing against the soft flushed skin. his eyes studied the way you moved, your soft navy sweater, your lashes lowered and lips glossy with that stupid lipgloss you were obsessed with. 

he didn’t blame himself for taking his time to stare because he hadn’t seen you since he’d dropped yuji off a week ago. 

whenever he called, you always kept it short, your texts were you but shorter, drier even. 

he didn’t give it much thought, as you were probably stressed about your dissertation and he hadn’t realized just how much he had been craving the sight of you till now. 

you didn’t see him until you lifted your head and the moment your eyes met, you froze. 

because this wasn’t sukuna. this was something raw wearing his shape. 

he looked a mess, frantic and unsure. his chest rose too fast, hands twitching at his sides. and those eyes, sharp and cold, were blown wide and terrified.

you took a step toward him on instinct before gently stopping yourself but he didn’t, taking three long strides to you before he was right in front of you. 

“hey,” you whispered, equally concerned as you were confused, “what are you doing here? don’t you have practice-“

“you okay?” his voice was cold and firm, as if he was asking a question from a mental checklist. you furrowed your brows at his tone, used to his cold demeanor but this was different. this was a front. 

“i’m fine, ryo,” you adjusted your tote on your shoulder, eyes gleaming with something he wouldn’t acknowledge, “i was about to go to the library-“

“you didn’t answer your phone.” his words came out low and hoarse, as if he wanted it to come out sharper but his body wouldn’t comply. 

“i was in a lecture…” you murmured, brows knitting as you assessed him with your own eyes in exchange. 

and his eyes, god, they looked haunted. 

you softened, despite everything. despite the distance you were forcing and the walls you were told to build. 

“what happened, ryo?”

he didn’t speak at first. just looked at you, really looked at you. 

like he was memorizing every line of your face, like he needed proof you were solid matter and not smoke slipping through his fingers.

“nothin’.” his words came out uncharacteristic soft and so unlike him. 

it was then you knew. because you were you and you knew him more than anyone. 

“was it…” you took a step closer, eyes looking up at him, “a nightmare?”

you voice came out as a whisper, knowing sukuna would only deflect if there was a possibility someone was listening in, though the students were beginning to leave the hall. 

sukuna swallowed once, jaw flexing, the muscle beneath his skin twitching. 

it was all the confirmation you needed.

he didn’t say yes and he didn’t deny it either as you took a small step towards him, your crossed arms brushing against his chest. 

“i’m here, kuna.” you whispered softly, watching as his brows knitted, nose flaring a bit, “yuji too.”

you knew in the depths of your soul, sukuna would never forgive himself for that night. 

no matter how many years pass, seasons filtering through, he’d remain where he was. 

his mind would never let him forget and his heart would never let him find peace. 

god, you wish you could grant him peace of mind more than anything. 

“i just needed to see for myself..” his words came out rough and strangled and you knew that he did. you already knew. “and you haven’t been…i don’t know, you’ve been different.”

guilt stabbed your chest, sharp and merciless. sukuna’s words trailed off and his eyes fell shut. 

“ryo…” your voice broke before you could stop it. 

his eyes opened again and fuck, the sight make your knees weaken. 

“just needed to see you,” he breathed out, hand twitching like he wanted to reach out but wouldn’t  dare, “anyways. i did. so.”

you watched as he took a step back, face twisting to it’s regular coldness, but with a tilt of your head, you saw through it.

your heart cracked open. not romantically. not foolishly. but violently, the way hearts break for people you love so deeply.

you reached out before he could turn around, before you could think, hand brushing his forearm, all soft and grounding. 

he inhaled sharply like your touch itself pulled the smoke from his lungs. you could physically see the tension deflate from his shoulders. 

“i wish you’d stop blaming yourself for that night, kuna,” he scowled and you knew why. you knew he hated taking about it more than anything, “you were a kid. and you were tired and-“

he stepped back sharply, eyes looking past you towards the hall as you sighed softly, used to his reservation when it came to this specific memory. 

you couldn’t help but remember a younger kuna. 

slightly shorter, thinner and sadder. so so sad. and angry at the world and who put him there. 

and suddenly, your distance felt cruel. your avoidance felt vicious. 

the girls didn’t know this part of him. they didn’t know the history. 

no one did but you two. 

so why would their thoughts even matter? 

you felt for this boy. you felt everything, it made you sick. 

you stepped closer, just a little, voice barely there, “you came here just to make sure i was alive?”

his jaw clenched quickly, eyes shutting hard before opening again, as if erasing your words from his thoughts, “don’t say it like that.”

his words left like it hurt to speak. like the idea of you not being alive was something he couldn’t bring himself to even remotely stomach. 

your breath trembled as you nodded once, “okay…” your hand gripped his sleeve, “come here.”

and for the first time in a week, he moved toward you without hesitation. 

your arms wrapped around his shoulders, on your tip toes as he leaned down to snake his arm around your much smaller frame before standing to his full height, your feet dangling slightly. 

“i really do wish i could make you forget, kuna,” he squeezed you tighter, “i don’t blame you. i never did, not even then.”

his eyes shut tightly, squeezing you even tighter, almost painfully but you didn’t mind.

he took multiple breaths and you let him. 

then, as if you’d burned him, his arms left you, your form now standing in front of him, vulnerable and confused. 

but as your eyes met his features, recognition flared in your chest. 

classic sukuna. the moment feelings were involved, the moment it was too hard to be soft, he retreated back to that cold and dark place in his mind. 

you’d lost him yet again. 

“i gotta go.” he murmured, thumb swiping at his lip, “practice.”

you sighed once, a pang in your chest as you crossed your arms like an armor.

“good luck today.” you stated softly, referring to their game tonight that you’d also be attending with the rest of your friends. 

sukuna nodded once, taking a step back before his eyes darted over your figure once more time, as if just making sure before turning and walking away. 

and you watched him leave. you always did. 

☾

your next lecture might as well have been taught in a foreign language.

you walked there on autopilot, lips bitten and sukuna’s scent still clinging to the front of your sweater where he’d crushed you to his chest. 

the hallway felt too bright, world too loud and your heart too sore. 

you kept replaying it in your head. the way he held you like he needed you, the way his breath stuttered against your neck and the way he ran from you the second he realized you could see him. again. always. 

you slipped into the lecture hall two minutes before class began, sinking  into your usual seat at the end of the third row to the left of the lecture hall. 

with the way your mind was whirring, you didn’t even notice someone sitting beside you until a warm voice broke through the thin glass of your thoughts. 

“are you okay?” 

with a turn of your head, your dazed eyes met jean’s face. soft eyed and smiling, always so kind and steady. always looking at you like he genuinely enjoyed being around you. 

he tilted his head, chestnut hair glinting and soft under the lights, brows knitting slightly at your expression. 

“you look like you just heard some really bad news.” he stated softly, though a small smile of concern painted his handsome features. you mirrored his smile with a shake of your head. 

“sorry,” you muttered, “i’m fine, just tired.”

his eyes softened, “i have sisters, i know what i’m fine means.”

a soft laugh left your lips, all too forced and he knew it. 

but you didn’t elaborate, lips pressed together as you looked towards the front of the class, finger picking at your skin. 

jean watched you for a moment then quietly nudged your elbow with his, “i can keep you company and distract you. i’ve been told i’m great at being a distraction.”

you turned to him, watching the small upturn of his lips. 

he wasn’t prying or pushing. he wasn’t demanding pieces of you he didn’t earn. 

he was just offering his presence. 

you nodded once, barely. but he smiled at you like you’d handed him something priceless.

class began and jean kept his promise. 

anytime your hand stalled in writing your notes, mind wandering far to where you were an hour ago, he made quiet comments about the professor’s weird analogies, scribbled little jokes on the corner of your page and leaned down to ask you to re-explain something, even though you knew he'd already understood the concept. 

and by the end of the lecture, your chest didn’t ache quite as sharply. you still felt hollow, the way sukuna left you standing there, the way he pulled away right when he needed you most. 

but jean didn’t let the silence sallow you whole. it was nice. he was nice. 

when everyone began packing up, you could feel him watching you as you began putting your things away. 

“hey, um,” his voice dipped just enough for only you to hear, “you’re coming to the game tonight, right?”

you always went to home games, but god, how were you supposed to watch sukuna pretend after what had happened?

unsteady, you shrugged. “i’m not sure, to be honest.”

jean frowned slightly, “really? you always come…” he began walking down the stairs, you beside him, “you and sukuna are tight so i thought you always went to support him, y’know?”

your heart panged as you forced out a little smile, “yeah, well…maybe it’s time i stop doing things out of habit.”

jean studied you again, gentle and careful but he had an inkling that your demeanor had little to do with you being tired and everything to do with the pink-haired quarterback. 

it was common knowledge that you and sukuna had a history, that he was insanely protective over you. many people bore witness to your arguments or his borderline psychotic breaks when it came to you. 

jean knew guys and he knew sukuna had placed some sort of imaginary claim on you, but he was one of the few guys that weren’t afraid of sukuna. 

“come with me,” he stated finally, “i-i mean let’s go together. i’ll keep you company, keep you distracted. you saw how good i can be at it.”

jean watched you with a hopeful smile as you now stopped by the door, both of you having to go in different directions.

your eyes studied him, mouth parting to decline but something inside you clicked. 

a small, tired, buried part of you whispered that sukuna always leaves. always retreats. 

and you can’t stay frozen, waiting for someone who runs from his own heart. 

you inhaled steadily, “okay...” you smiled gently at the light filling his eyes, “yeah. i’ll go with you.”

jean’s smile reached his eyes, warm and real. 

“good,” he said quietly, pretty smile pulling at his lips as his long fingers raked through his brown locks, “it’s a date.”

your pulse flickered. not excitement exactly, nor was it interest. 

more like relief. like telling a wound it didn’t have to stay open. 

you weren’t choosing jean romantically. you were choosing to stop orbiting someone who refused to let you land. 

that was a step, right? 

with a grin, jean turned to leave for practice and you turned to walk to your lab. 

you glanced at your phone and the empty screen met your gaze. your chest tightened. 

within your own mind, you wondered. you wondered if you yourself would every name the feeling. 

it was like someone journalling but never being completely truthful, as if they were even afraid of their own self. of their own judgement. 

you wondered if what you felt for ryomen sukuna would ever be labelled what it rightfully should be. if you’d ever admit it to yourself. 

he cared for you, you knew it. and he loved you, in whatever way counted. 

and your soul hoped he wanted you. even just a little bit. 

but you couldn’t bet all your life on a little bit. 

it was almost funny, the way you knew sukuna would do anything you needed, anything you wanted except give you what your heart desired most. 

and perhaps, there would always be a part of you that ached to wait for him. 

but you’d sooner kill that part of you than actually wait.

☾

the first sound was barely a sound at all, just a faint tap against glass, like rain with a trembling hand. 

you almost ignored it. but then came a second one. sharper and more frantic than the first.

like someone knocking on the world’s last door. 

you pushed your book a side, lowering the volume of the heavy drum from the oasis song playing from your vinyl, heart stuttering as you padded across your room towards the fire escape. 

you pulled back the curtain and the universe split open. 

“r-ryo?”

he stood on the brown metal escape, soaked in rain and shadow, chest heaving like he’d run miles to you. always to you. 

a thin stream of blood trailed down his temple, turning a shade of pink as it mixed with the rain droplets, dripping from his hair. 

his shirt hung off one shoulder, torn and revealing a deep purple bruise blooming along his collarbone that was jutting more than a boy his age should. 

he was only fourteen, but he looked older. and he looked younger. he looked ruined.

you hastily fumbled with the latch, hands shaking as the window slid open with a gasp, your gasp. and he stumbled inside like gravity had been holding him prisoner.

then he stood before you, cheeks sucked in as his nose twitched, eyes glassy and you knew he was holding back everything, from his sheer rage and frustration to simply his sadness. 

a sadness that was so deep-rooted and complex, nothing about it was simple. 

he didn’t speak and you didn’t need him to. you saw everything. 

the bruises, the cut on his lip, the shallow rise and fall of his chest like each breath hurt to take. 

your chest ached. 

“sukuna…” 

he flinched, not away from you, never from you. but away from the sound of his own name spoken so gently. he usually hated when you called him that, preferring your ryo’s or kuna’s, but this time, you didn’t say it with annoyance or anger which is when you usually opted to call him by his full name. but it left you with a softness so extreme, his hands trembled. 

as if tenderness burned worse than anything that came before it.

you reached for him and he stepped back. 

your heart broke in a way you’d spend years trying to put into words. 

you gulped softly, “can you…sit?”

your words left you as a whisper because command would shatter him.

he hesitated for a moment before sinking to the edge of your little alcove by the window where you loved to read.

with your feet padding softly, you made your way to the bathroom where the small first aid kit rested within the drawer, the one you’d begun keeping stocked because of him. because some part of you knew you’d need it, despite his assurances that last time would be the last time. 

as you made your way back to him, your heart broke at the sight of him, looking so broken beyond repair, you had to bite back the urge to simply start sobbing for him. 

as you sat in front of him on your knees, his breath trembled above you and your hands shook as you opened the antiseptic. 

the first time he’d come in this state two years ago, you were much more frantic and stressed, pulling up a youtube video on what exactly to do and how to clean a cut. 

two years later, it came like second nature. heartbreakingly so. 

the rain outside softened into a lullaby you wished he could hear. 

“look at me,” you murmured gently as his eyes avoided your own. you touched his chin anyway, gently. devastatingly gentle. and his eyes lifted.

and god, there was something in them that nearly ended you. 

a glassy, wounded darkness. a child’s fear. a man’s shame. 

your throat tightened and you had to glance down so he wouldn’t see just how glassy your eyes were. you pressed the cotton to the split on his lip and he hissed softly, gaze darting away. 

you apologized under your breath. 

“don’t be…” his voice low, scraped raw, like the truth was dragging itself out of his throat, “you’re the only thing that doesn’t hurt, angel.”

the words sank into you like gravity as your fingers stalled for a moment.

when you reached for his bruised cheek, he did the smallest thing, so small you would’ve missed it if it weren’t fort for you being so close. 

he leaned it. not much but enough to have your tears beginning to flow silently.

a boy craving affection, craving softness and stillness and a chance at peace he didn’t know he could ever have. 

“ryo…” you whispered, barely a sound at all, “he did it again…your dad, he-“

his entire body went rigid and the silence that followed was loud as he looked up. 

you could see his brows furrow and face soften just the slightest at the sight of your tears, hand reaching up to brush against your smaller cheek, soft and wet with all the love and heartbreak you held for him at a mere fourteen years old. 

“it’s okay…” your name followed softly, gently as you shook your head. it wasn’t okay, none of it was okay. 

“y-you said-you promised if he did it again-“ you were trembling as he stood up abruptly, not allowing you to finish your sentence. 

he paced on your carpeted floors, muscle jumping in his jaw and his fists curling white. 

“i told you-i told you, i can’t do anything-“

“yes, you can! you can, ryo! if you tell-“

“if i tell, they’re sending yuji and i to fucking foster homes and i can’t guarantee we’ll end up in the same house, okay?!”

your mouth parted but nothing came out. you knew that, of course you did. he told you that before but god, your heart wouldn’t take it. 

“okay…” you whispered softly, “okay. i’m sorry.” 

sukuna visibly relaxed slowly, shoulders deflating and face growing soft as he gazed at you. 

he knew you cared, he knew it. you loved him, you were his best friend. 

and he wanted, more than anything, to let you help. not even for his sake, but for yours. for you to feel some semblance of peace because he knew you worried.

but there was nothing you could do. or him. 

it was a living nightmare, a plethora of unfortunate events that made up his miserable life. 

only one light lived in his life and that was you. 

he slowly walked back over, taking a seat beside you, eyes shutting hard as you immediately crawled over and wrapped your arms around him, small body atop his lap. and he wasted no time wrapping his own arms around your form. 

“i’m sorry, ryo…” you murmured gently against his neck as he sighed softly, arms holding you tighter. that’s when you felt a wetness upon the skin of your shoulder, drop after drop. 

you were quick to follow, even the though of ryomen sukuna crying had your eyes shutting gently, your tears soaking his shirt, “i’m so sorry…”

he slept over that night. and the night after that and after that too. 

and every time he slept, you watched him. memorized the weight of him beside you. 

and somewhere in the dark, tucked between the beat of your heart and his, something irreversible happened. 

☾

you hadn’t even heard shoko or utahime enter your apartment, too in your head to focus on anything else but the day’s events. 

you were sitting criss-crossed on the couch, laptop perched on your thighs as you attempted to read your lecture notes. 

you hadn’t absorbed a single piece of information for the past twenty minutes. 

not with sukuna’s voice still stuck under your ribs, not with the feel of his trembling hands ghosting your skin, not with the memory of his eyes when he’d come across campus just to see you breathing. 

“helloooo!” shoko waved her hand in front of your face, causing you to look up with a hum. 

she flopped next to you first, head landing on your shoulder with a thud. 

“you look like you’ve been thinking,” she muttered in mock horror, “gross.”

you rolled your eyes, relieved at her sarcasm for once. you needed the distraction. 

“hi shoko.” you muttered before your eyes lifted and landed on where utahime stood in front of the coffee table, arms croseed as she watched you with a knowing look. 

“spill.” 

“what?” you snorted as her eyes rolled. 

“don’t what me,” she retorted, tossing her jacket over the plush armchair before taking a seat, eyes still studying you, “i know that face. that’s your i got emotionally manhandled by sukuna face.” 

shoko hummed in agreement without opening her eyes as you scoffed with a shake of your head. 

“you’re insane.” you muttered, sighing softly before looking up at her through your lashes. 

her face visibly softened at the dejected look in your eyes. 

you hated that they were right. that they knew. 

sukuna had gotten under your skin today, cracked himself open for a moment then slammed the door shut the second he realized it and it irked you more than it usually did.

shoko finally sat up, poking your cheek once, “so? what happened?”

you did want to talk. you wanted to cry even more. you wanted the weight out of your lungs. 

but you were worried about whaat they would say. the judgement the couldn’t help but possess, one you didn’t blame them for but hated regardless. 

so you deflected. 

“i’m going to the game tonight.”

utahime simply hummed with a nod, “yeah, we know. we’re all leaving at four, remember?” 

you pressed your lips together with a nod, moving your laptop aside as you cleared your throat. 

“um, actually, i’m not going with you guys...” both of their brows shot up in surprise, “i’m going with jean.”

shoko blinked once. then utahime. 

“like…” shoko muttered, “a date?” 

you shrugged gently, a sigh leaving your parted lips as your fingers tugged at a loose thread in your throw blanket. 

“i guess.” 

it was silent for a moment before shoko jumped up, “OH MY GOD! AND YOU SAID YES?!”

utahime laughed gently, “you’re actually going on a date…literally your first date since sophmore year.” 

you huffed gently, cheeks heating, “it’s not a date date-“

“IT IS A DATE!” shoko exclaimed as you groaned at her excitement, covering your face with a shake of your head. 

utahime simply watched with a small smile, a flicker of pride but worry in her chest. 

“why now?” 

you didn’t know why, you couldn’t pinpoint where her words had touched you or for what reason your eyes immediately turned glassy. 

a hitched sigh left your lips as you shook your head, looking down before your eyes shut with a flutter. and just like that, the tears effortlessly began falling, as if they were waiting for your body to signal that it was safe to fall apart.

tears you’d been holding since that morning, since last week, since forever. 

shoko immediately muttered your name softly, both surprise and sadness filtering through her. 

you weren’t a crier, truly, you weren’t. 

at least not about things that concerned yourself. 

you were a sympathy crier, you cried when you saw the people you loved cry. 

you could cry with sukuna. you could cry about sukuna, too. 

but in all your four years of friendship with the girls, they’ve seen you cry a handful of times and most were related to academics. 

but you couldn’t take it anymore. 

utahime immediately moved towards you, taking a seat on the coffee table, a hand on your knee. 

“i don’t know…” you whispered with a sniffle, the tears leaving your wide sad eyes faster, “you’re right, both of you,” you sniffled as you looked up at them, their faces softening even more at the sight of your tears, “i do love him, i really d-do.”

a soft sob left your lips as you shook your head, heart clenching so painfully, your hand moved to touch the skin over it. 

shoko mutterer your name, exchanging sad glances with utahime. 

“i feel s-so stupid,” you let out a groan mixed with a sob, shaking your head into your hands, “everyday, i wake up wanting, more than anything, for him to want me back…” you let out a short sob, “it’s been years, ever since i was a kid, i’ve wanted no one e-else…and i don’t know what i’m even holding onto, it’s not like we were ever anything, really,” you were now sobbing fully, hard, chest heaving with effort, “he never really gave me anything to go on, i don’t know why i can’t let him g-go!”

utahime and shoko watched you break, heart visibly shattering the more you expressed your grief, sadness and longing that was so deep-rooted, even they couldn’t fully grasp the weight of it all. 

the weight of years spent waiting, hoping, clutching onto small glimpses of what could be. 

god, you were absolutely pathetic. 

“but i’m done…” you whispered after a minute of allowing yourself to just cry, to feel bad for yourself. you looked up with a sniffle, wiping under your bloodshot eyes quickly, “i’m done. fuck, this is stupid,” you let out a short laugh, tears still flowing despite your wiping as you stood up to walk away a bit, the girls’ eyes still following you intently, “ever since i was younger, i thought we were…i don’t know, soulmates or something,” your eyes gazed up at them through your lashes as you turned around, waiting for their judgement but it never came. they remained soft and attentive, almost like they knew. “but we’re not. or maybe he is, just not in the way i hoped-thought. and i never even admitted any of this to myself, can you believe that? but i just don’t know what to do…he’s just…so engraved in me, he’s like a part of me, i don’t know what it’d be like without him. i don't even know who i am if not so in love with h-him...” another sob left you as you took a seat on the armchair, still facing the two girls, “and i tried to lie to myself, i did, but lying just didn’t work anymore because i knew what this feeling was, i’ve always known, i just didn’t want to name it. but deep down, i knew who i wanted, i knew it was him and i know he doesn't feel the same. and it hurts so bad.” 

and then the girls moved, shoko taking a seat by the arm rest, arms around your shoulders as you sobbed into your hands once again, her heart clenching with sympathy.

utahime sat by your legs, hand on your knee while the other was stuck in a fist. 

“i just need to wait till these stupid feelings go away…” you hiccuped, letting out a huff and sob at once, doe eyes so incredibly sad, shoko had to look away for a second as utahime swallowed thickly, almost angry at how much you deserve and how little sukuna had given you. 

“real feelings don’t just go away…” utahime whispered, you name followed softly as you turned to meet her gaze, brows furrowing as another wave of tears ached to wash over you. 

that wasn’t what you wanted to hear. because god, you knew that. 

you were almost sure you’d never get over ryomen sukuna. not in this life or the next. 

you meant it when you said you thought you were soulmates. 

you had always had this one thought, this one delusion, if you will, that if both of your memories had been erased, you two would still find each other again. 

because you were that intertwined. almost like an invisible string tethering you together, not allowing you to stray too far apart. 

you wanted to tear that string apart. 

“well, they will eventually…” you stated, voice nasally from your crying as you sniffled softly, tears now halting as you sat up a bit, “because i’m done waiting.”

though your voice wavered, the choice stood. 

shoko squeezed your shoulders gently as utahime simply sighed softly. 

you felt like there were a thousand things they wanted to say but nothing seemed right. and maybe nothing would be. 

there were no words that could console you, no words that would fix the ache. 

all you could do was stop feeling for sukuna. simple enough. 

but it was anything but simple. 

“what about jean?” utahime muttered, eyes studying you as if you were about to explode any second. you weren’t.

“jean is nice.” they both looked at each other then looked at you as you shrugged, “he’s not sukuna.”

they understood. and nothing else needed to be said. 

the air was heavy with grief, possibly the death of any semblance of hope you had for you and sukuna. 

the girls knew better. by standing on the outside, they had a much clearer view and were fully aware of sukuna’s feelings for you. 

he did feel for you, he felt too much, if anything. too much longing, too much want, too much need, it was all-consuming. 

but you wouldn’t believe it if they told you. plus, they wanted it to come from sukuna, if it was ever truly revealed. 

the room fell quiet, the kind where pain and honestly settled together. 

☾

jean was nice.

he was the perfect gentlemen. he picked you up five minutes early, flowers in hand making you giggle more than you probably should have at the sight. 

you went out to get a bite to eat before the game. he paid. 

even though you were bundled up in your jeans, sweater and scarf, you shivered at the november flush. he gave you his jacket. 

it was nice. it was all so nice. 

the conversation wasn’t awkward, he was a good listener, and god, he was so pretty. 

he was wearing a black sweater and dark washed jeans with his sneakers. his chestnut hair was pushed back messily, revealing more of his long lashes and pretty hazel eyes. 

he was funny and kind and so painfully into you. his hand kept brushing yours, his eyes wouldn’t leave your face, particularly your lips. and he called you beautiful about six times now and you’d only just made it to the game. 

again, really nice. 

so why didn’t you feel for him? 

jean ushered you to your seats in the stands, close enough to the field that you immediately spotted gojo’s white hair as he talked animatedly to suguru who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. 

he had a hotdog in one hand and two drinks in the other, refusing to let you hold your own. 

as you took a seat, jean followed, allowing you to take the cup from his hand with a soft laugh. 

“thanks, jean.”

“of course, pretty girl.”

you smiled gently, polite and soft. your eyes darted around to try and spot your friends and lo and behold, they sat four rows up to your left. your eyes met shoko’s who immediately waved enthusiastically before pointing at jean and giving a thumbs up making you roll your eyes. you turned to utahime who smirked gently but her eyes were full of concern you knew was due to your breakdown a few hours ago. 

nonetheless, you shook your head when she mouthed a he’s so hot. 

because you couldn’t blame her. jean was hot, truly.

“so, how am i doing so far?” jean’s deeper voice pulled your attention away from your friends and towards his hopeful eyes. 

you hummed with a gentle smile, pretending to think for a moment, “i don’t know, i don’t have many dates to compare this to, to be honest.” 

jean shook his head softly with a soft chuckle, “not for lack of anything, really. it has nothing to do with you. every guy i know has a thing for you…” his gaze drifted to the field as his smile faltered just a bit, “it has everything to do with the school’s quarterback.”

you didn’t dwell on the bitterness in his tone or the way his eyes turned back to you, as if assessing your demeanor and face for any change or shift. 

against your own intuition, you turned back to the field, gulping softly as you spotted the tuft of pink locks. sukuna stood, so incredibly built and tall in his uniform, a scowl painting his features as he stretched alongside gojo and suguru. 

maybe a few days ago, you would’ve visibly softened, even defended sukuna. but you didn’t want to do that anymore, not anymore. 

“let’s not talk about sukuna.” your voice was smothered in tension but you merely laughed with a shake of your head as jean’s eyes kept surveying you, warm but too inquisitive for your current state. 

“is he why you were off today?” he questioned gently, “or why your eyes are kind of puffy?”

a part of you wanted to scoff, annoyance flickering through you, almost insulted at his last comment. but most of you was aching. most of you wanted to snap and tell him that you didn’t want to talk about it, not now or ever. 

“i said i didn’t wanna talk about it.” you couldn’t help the sharpness in your words as you turned back to the field, shoulders tense and hand gripping the cup with unnecessary strength. 

you could feel jean’s gaze on the side of your face, confusion and concern radiating off of him but frankly, you didn’t owe him any sort of explanation. 

he seemed to have taken the hint, backing off as he leaned back in his chair with a nod. 

“right. sorry i brought it up.” he muttered, looking down at his food for a second before glancing back up at the side of your face, “i won’t bring him up again, okay? it’s just me and you.”

your eyes turned to gaze into his, so unbelievably understanding and earnest, your heart clenched softly as guilt stabbed at you for a moment. 

“i’m sorry…i didn’t mean to snap at you,” you sighed gently, “we just-he just has a way of getting under my skin, y’know? let’s just talk about something else.”

jean seemed to relax a bit, gaze softening and lips tugging up in relief as you mirrored his gentle smile, glancing down at his hand that he had placed gently over your knee. 

“we can do that.” he grinned as he took a bit out of his hot dog, groaning in satisfaction making you laugh with a shake of your head. 

you turned back to the field, watching as the players began to hype each other up, helmets tapping, shoulder pads colliding and shouts echoing into the cold november air. 

and against your better judgement, everything that was screaming at you to not, your eyes wandered over to sukuna, watching him with something akin to pain in your ribs.  

you gulped gently as you watched him swallow down a gel packet, hands clenching before jean said something to avert your gaze and attention. 

sukuna lazily surveyed the stands like he always did pre-game, as if looking for something and he visibly paused when he looked towards the section your friends were sitting in. 

his head tilted once before his eyes continued darting around. as if some invisible thread snapped, his gaze caught when it landed on you. 

there you were. in someone else’s jacket. in a seat that wasn’t your usual seat. with someone else’s hand resting so casually on your knee. 

he stilled. utterly, completely frozen. 

you didn’t even realize he was staring, not yet. you were laughing at something jean had said, head tipping toward him as your fingers brushed your scarf, a soft little giggle he could almost hear with how much he had memorized that sound, slipping out of you. 

and that was all it took for something violent and electric to rip through sukuna so fiercely, he nearly staggered. 

“yo, earth to not-so-manslut, are you good? you look like you’re about to puke.”

and if it wasn’t for his attention being caught up elsewhere, he would’ve killed gojo for what he had called him, especially in public.

but he couldn’t even answer. his eyes were glued to your figure. to the guy beside you. to the way jean leaned his head down so you could speak into his ear. to the way his jacket swallowed your smaller figure. to the way you weren’t wearing sukuna’s jersey like you usually did. 

then jean said something and it must’ve been funny because you laughed again, softer this time. the kind of laugh sukuna always fought for, the kind he hoarded like treasure. 

and he snapped. 

something inside him split clean in two. 

geto followed his line of sight and winced, “ah that’s not good.”

gojo squinted at his friend’s words, “wait…is that jean? with her?” 

sukuna didn’t speak, he couldn’t. 

his chest rose sharply, like he’d been punched and the air had been stolen straight from his lungs.

“um, bro,” gojo practically stuttered out, “you good?”

a stupid fucking question, really. 

one sukuna didn’t have time to entertain because you’d finally looked up.

for one small, suspended second, your doe eyes met his from a distance and his heart physically reacted, fluttering as his breath stuttered. and yours did too. 

the whole field seemed to hold still. 

sukuna couldn’t help but notice your eyes, he always did. but something was different this time. your wide eyes were raw, almost sad. and he could tell even from his place on the field that they were a bit swollen. 

his fists clenched at his sides. 

you offered nothing more than a polite, strained little smile, a simple twitch of your mouth, the kind you’d give a stranger passing you on the sidewalk. 

and then you looked away, back at jean. sukuna felt it like a blade to the chest. 

“bro, she’s on a date. with jean!” gojo was thinking out loud, groaning at the hard nudge given to him by geto, a sign to stop talking before sukuna exploded.

any other time, the two would be concerned but there would be an underlying level of amusement, almost anticipation for whatever shit show sukuna would cause to take place.

but they knew better now. after sukuna's confession a week ago, the two frat boys were rooting for you two more than anyone, wanting nothing more than for sukuna to confess.

“it’s probably just a friendly thing.” geto tried to diffuse the situation, “she doesn’t really go on dates, so.”

sukuna finally moved, dragging his helmet down over his head so roughly, the chin strap snapped against his jaw. and even the helmet couldn’t hide the look in his eyes. 

anger, definitely. rage, even. but amidst it all was dejection. a heaviness he was glad you couldn’t see because you were the only person that’d be able to see that in him. 

because you’d seen it many times before. 

you’d seen it when he showed up at your house, bruised to the bone at thirteen and you’d seen it the day of the fire at sixteen. and all the moments in between. because he let you. he only ever let you see him, fully, ardently, entirely. 

the whistle blew and the team huddled as the coach began yelling plays and words of motivation. 

sukuna didn’t hear a fucking thing. 

all he saw was you. his hand over your knee. 

he saw every second he’d wasted, every word he swallowed, every time he chose fear instead of you. it was irrational. it’d not like you were getting married. 

but he saw a glimpse of a future where he didn’t gather the courage to say everything to you. a future where he couldn’t scare guys away anymore, where he couldn’t control the situation like he wished to. 

gojo leaned over the huddle, eyes wide as he whispered, “um, coach, maybe we should let sukuna sit the first play out, cool off-“

“are you out of your mind?!” the coach cut him off gruffly, “he’s our biggest asset!”

and he was. but the game hadn’t even started and sukuna already knew that he was about to either play the worst game of his life or the best and most violent game ever. 

and it was going to be entirely, undeniably and devastatingly because of you. 

☾

the final whistle had blown and the team had won. the stadium erupted and sukuna didn’t feel a single fucking thing. 

not the victory or the cheers. not gojo smacking his helmet as he yelled in excitement. nothing. 

because the whole game, he’d been playing like a man set on fire. he could physically feel his emotions build and build throughout the game, his rage going into every tackle and every touchdown. his tackles were too loud, too hard and so extremely angry. 

even the opposing team had started avoiding him like he was rabid and still…

still it wasn’t enough to bleed out whatever was rotting inside of him. 

sukuna ripped off his helmet so violently, the chin strap had snapped. 

gojo blinked once, “okay, wait, take a second and breathe-“

but sukuna was already walking, no, storming over to the stands, eyes zeroed in on you. 

you stood in the stands, bundled in jean’s jacket, pretty face soft in the glow of the stadium lights as you grinned up at jean. he watched as jean leaned close and he fucking panicked. 

“what the hell are you doing?!” his voice ripped through the chilled air, sharp enough to cut through all of the cheering as you froze mid-conversation, eyes snapping down to his. 

sukuna looked wild, simply put. his pupils were blown wide, breathing heavy and uniform stained with sweat and dirt. 

jean straightened up beside you as he watched your mouth part in surprise, “hey, man, chill-“

“shut the fuck up.” sukuna snapped without even sparing the basketball captain a glance, eyes locked on you and only you. always you. 

“you seriously came here with him?” he spat with venom, “him?”

your lips parted in disbelief, “kuna, don’t start-“

“no. answer me.” he stepped closer, jaw ticking as his anger bled through every word, “you think he’s good enough for you? he’s a fuckin’ player, ask any of the fuckass sorority girls. the hell are you thinking?” 

you shook your head with a scoff, stunned and furious as your cheeks heated up when people began glancing over at you two. 

yes, you knew jean had a reputation. he was an athlete, an attractive one at that, but what boy didn’t at this point? and it’s not like sukuna was any better. 

“you’re so out of line, sukuna. this is none of your goddamn business!” you whispered harshly, brows furrowing in rage as your arms crossed protectively over your chest. 

“the hell it isn’t.”

“actually,” jean intercepted, jaw ticking in annoyance, “it isn’t.” 

sukuna finally turned to the man and the look he gave jean could’ve curdled bone. 

“touch her one more time,” sukuna growled, “and i swear-“

“sukuna, stop.” you reached for him because you knew that look in his eyes, you knew what it meant when his hands starting shaking and his chest began heaving. 

jean put a hand on your lower back, gentle and steady as his mouth parted to tell you not to go to him and that was it. the thread snapped. 

it all happened too fast, a blur of movement until you realized that sukuna’s fist had connected with jean’s jaw so hard, the sound cut through the noise like a gunshot. 

your hands cupped your mouth as you gasped, eyes all wide and instantly panicked. 

jean stumbled back, groaning as he caught himself on the bleachers. 

with another gasp, you shoved at sukuna’s hard chest, eyes already turning glassy with rage, “what the hell is wrong with you?!”

the crowd in your section had quieted, even as they began piling out since the game ended. people were turning and the rest of the team began jogging over. 

gojo cursed as he held sukuna by the shoulders, “yo, chill, chill, CHILL-“

sukuna still jerked forward anyway, fighting against satoru and suguru’s hold, eyes blazing. 

“i said don’t touch her! don’t fucking touch her-“

“stop!” you practically yelled, face conturing with shock, rage, pain and everything in between. 

the world seemed to freeze. 

shoko and utahime were now rushing down the stairs, jean holding his jaw, dazed and angry as suguru helped him up. 

and you were standing in front of sukuna with tears in your big eyes, not tears of sadness or even heartbreak. but something far worse. finality. 

“i’m done,” you breathed out, shaking your head softly, “i’m so done, sukuna.”

everything inside him stilled. your voice was shaken but your gaze never wavered from his. 

“i’m done with this, with all of it, with you. i’m done with you doing whatever the hell you want and me just…taking it because i believed you wanted what was best for me...” your breath trembled as the tears began trickling out once more, “i’m done feeling stupid all the time. just because we grew up together doesn’t mean we have to keep growing together.” 

sukuna’s chest rose sharply, violently as he took a step forward. you let him. 

but not because you softened, not because you wanted to hear him out, he knew that wasn’t why. 

the reason had his hands trembling just the slightest bit. it was because you were truly done. it was because nothing he would say would make a difference. 

“you don’t mean that shit.”

“i do,” your bottom lip quivered as tears of utter frustration left your eyes, “i do, sukuna. i’m done. i don’t wanna see you anymore.” 

“that’s bullshit,” sukuna growled, practically lurched forward again but gojo held him back with all his strength, “you’re just pissed, you’re emotional-”

“n-no!” your voice cracked as you let out a soft sob like something inside you had finally split open, “i’m done hurting because of you! you always hurt me…”

the way your voice ended in a whisper smothered with pain had all your friends soften even more, watching you like you were something fragile. 

sukuna’s jaw clenched so hard, his molars hurt. his chest constricted like you’d reached into his ribs and pulled something vital out. 

he breathed hard, shallow, uneven, panicked. 

“you don’t get to say that, you don’t get to just fuckin’-”

“i’m saying it. i said it, it’s done.” you swallowed harshly, wiping your cheek with the sleeves of jean’s jacket before turning away, painfully and slowly as you went to jean. 

sukuna couldn’t even move, the shock rendering him speechless and motionless for a moment. 

he watched in a stunned, hallowed out silence, almost out of body as you touched jean’s arm gently, apologizing under your breath as you gently ushered him away, eyes glancing at the nasty bruise blooming along his jaw. 

sukuna attempted to lunge forward but gojo and suguru held him in place and though his strength exceeded theirs, he felt weak. 

like as you walked away, you were taking part of him with you. 

“don’t walk away from me!” he attempted to sound enraged but his voice cracked just a bit, a sound no one had ever heard from him aside from you. 

you didn’t look back. 

“don’t-“ his breath hitched, rage bleeding into something frighteningly raw, “don’t fucking leave.” 

but you kept walking and sukuna felt something unfamiliar and unbearable tear through him. 

“sukuna, let her go…”  gojo whispered, voice unusually soft as his eyes glanced back and forth between your retreating figure and sukuna’s face. he had never seen that look on sukuna’s face, "just let her cool down."

sukuna couldn’t. 

he physically stayed still but in his head, he was running after you so hard, it was killing him. 

you disappeared through the crowd with jean, the girls following. and sukuna stood there, breathing like a slowly dying man. 

he felt panicked, bleeding in places no one could see. 

because for the first time in his life, you had walked away and he hadn’t chased you. he didn’t have the right to. 

☾

warnings | (mdni) mentions of abuse / violence / trauma flashbacks / implied ptsd / panic attacks / toxic dynamics / sexual themes

series masterlist | two

☾

your foot tapped against your carpeted living room floor, narrowed eyes assessing the two boys seated on your couch.

your arms were crossed and you couldn’t have looked more like a mother if you’d tried. 

the pink haired boy watched you with big brown eyes, the left one painted black and blue. 

your name left his lips but you wouldn’t let him speak. 

“you mean to tell me…you two ditched school, got on a four hour bus from the city and got a ride from a stranger to my apartment?!” 

the two boys turned to glance at each other before nodding hesitantly. 

and you blew a fuse, your worry overshadowing any other possible emotion. 

“are you crazy?!” you screeched, hands waving as you glared at them, “you two are fifteen!”

yuji groaned gently as megumi simply watched you freak out. 

“we’re fine, okay?!” yuji exclaimed, holding his hands out as your gaze only deepened, “i just-these guys at school were giving me a hard time, so…” 

you raised a brow, eyes glancing back and forth from him to megumi. 

“so we beat em’ up, okay? and the school called yuji’s grandfather and he’s a pussy and didn’t wanna face him so we came here.” 

megumi, ever the blunt and fearless, spoke up with a shrug only making your concerns deepen. 

sukuna didn’t mention yuji having a hard time at school. speaking of…

“and sukuna would actually kill me if i showed up at the frat.” 

and he wasn’t wrong. his brother would murder him if he found out that they’d ditched school, taken a bus from the city and basically hitchhiked to hers at 7pm. 

you sighed softly, eyes fluttering shut for a moment as you tried to think. 

what was the right thing to do? 

call sukuna? 

one glance at yuji’s pleading brown eyes and that idea was pushed away for now. 

take care of yuji. yes! 

“alright, let’s get you some ice first…” your previous firm tone fell into your natural soft lilt that had both boys sinking into the couch in comfort. familiar and gentle.

your apartment was always so warm, cinnamon candles lit, lighting low and mellow, plush furniture and you always had a tray of whatever you’d recently baked on the coffee table. 

and when you made it back with an ice pack and your first aid kit, the boys were already three cinnamon sugar palmier’s in. 

you rolled your eyes gently before taking a seat on the coffee table. 

“there’s leftover soup on the stove if your hungry, gumi.” you said softly, pushing the first aid open to pull out some antiseptic as the black haired boy immediately stood up and made his way to the kitchen. 

“hey! i’m starving too!” yuji pouted as he swallowed the remaining pastry in his mouth. 

you handed him a tissue to wipe his mouth before you scooted closer. 

“you can eat after we fix you up.” 

it was a mutter that left your lips before dabbing the cotton pad onto the cut on his lip, softening when he flinched. yuji held the ice pack to his bad eye, the good one gazing at the floor. 

“you didn’t tell me you were having a hard time at school.” you whispered as you continued your actions, gentle but firm as yuji sighed softly. 

“it’s not a big deal…they just make stupid comments about what happened with dad…grandpa or sukuna…” your heart clenched as you looked at him to see he’d already looked at you with that childish glint of apprehension in his eyes, “sometimes about you.” 

you straightened up a bit at that. what could they possibly say about you? how do they even-

yuji sensed your confusion. 

“just about you and sukuna n stuff.” 

he didn’t elaborate much and frankly you didn’t want him to. 

what you did want was for him to tell the full truth because you could tell he was holding back on you. 

“yuji.” his one good eye met yours as you tilted your head a bit, wiping your hands after finishing placing the ointment on his lip, “what are you not telling me?” 

you knew the boy well, watching as he squirmed uncomfortably, eyes glancing back at megumi who heard your words and was no looking up from his soup in alert. 

“n-nothing.” he shrugged, leaning back as your eyes narrowed, causing him to squirm further. 

you hummed softly, eyes turning to megumi now, the dark haired boy tilting his head at your gaze as you stood up. 

the fifteen year old harbored this small crush on you ever since he was younger, as sukuna and yuji both made aware. 

you watched as his cheeks tinted pink at your rapt attention on him. 

“megumi-“

“since this is yuji’s third warning, the school suspended him. for a week.” 

a gasp left your lips as you turned back to yuji who was glaring at megumi pointedly. 

“and he wants to stay with you and for you not to tell sukuna.”

your eyes glowered even more at the bruised boy who was now yelling at megumi, the other boy simply shrugging and eating his food again. 

“you basically want me to harbor a fugitive?” you stated more than asked, yuji shrugging softly, brown eyes wide with expectation. 

“sukuna’s gonna kill me, okay?! and grandpa would get all grumpy then ground me for life! please, please…” a pout painted his slightly swollen lip, only tugging at your heartstrings further, “just for a week, i promise.”

your hands cradled your own cheeks, lips puffed out as you looked at the boy, mind deep in thought, his mutters of please not helping you in the slightest. 

you couldn’t help it! 

you had such a soft spot for yuji, he was like your own brother, you’ve known him since he was a kid. 

ugh, but sukuna would kill you if he found out! 

also, he was bound to show up at some point in the week, what if he saw yuji? plus, you couldn’t help the semblance of betrayal that lingered in your thoughts, the word hitting a nerve and you knew you couldn’t do it. 

you were loyal to a fault and you knew not telling sukuna about his brother would hurt him one way or another because above all else, no matter how much he acted like an asshole, he did care for and love yuji. 

“ugh, no! no, okay, wait-“ you paced as your mind raced, idea afloat, “what if i tell him you're here but i don’t let him kill you!” 

a grin made it’s way to your lips as you looked at yuji who was looking back with wide eyes. 

“have you seen sukuna?! he could blow and you’d topple over, okay, no! please-“

“just tell him and when he gets here, calm him down,” megumi spoke up, voice devoid of emotion, almost bored as you both watched him put down his spoon in the empty bowl, “you’re the only person he listens to, so just get to him before he gets to yuji.” 

yuji gulped at the mere thought of sukuna coming while you nodded gently. 

“okay, yes. see, i won’t let him kill you, yuji!” 

the smile on your face was meant to be reassuring and maybe it was to an extent, but not nearly enough to fully calm yuji down. 

you also attempted not to give any depth to megumi’s words about you and sukuna. 

sukuna listened to you because you were his friend and he knew you. that was all. 

“go have dinner, okay?” 

yuji practically jumped up at the mention of food, padding over to the kitchen as you sighed, taking a seat on the couch. 

after a moment of closing your eyes and breathing, megumi and yuji’s argument about some video game in the kitchen offering a bit of comfort, you pulled out your phone.

☾

“come on, kento! you’re supposed to shoot!” 

satoru’s voice was loud and laced with frustration, fingers moving fast over the blue controller in his hands. 

“it is not statistically accurate to shoot from our current standing, satoru.” kento’s words only irked satoru further as they played doubles against suguru and sukuna who were seated on the other end of the couch. 

“hah, you two suck.” sukuna muttered as his fingers moved over the controller with precision, geto chuckling as he shot another player. 

“shut up, you pussy-whipped idiot!” satoru yelled with a huff making sukuna’s brows furrow but he wouldn’t let satoru’s words cost him a victory. 

“fuck are you callin’ pussy-whipped?!” 

satoru simply chuckled menacingly, knowing the easiest way to throw sukuna off track was to bring you up. 

“just that you and your little princess-“

“shut the fuck up, gojo. you're just pissed you're fuckin’ losin’ with mother teresa on your team.” sukuna cut him off, knowing if he heard your name, that’d just feel even more off his game. 

it’s only been a day. one day. 

but he felt like he was crawling out of his skin. 

yes, there were days you didn’t see each other, whether it was exam season or away games but they were few and far between. you always spent at least an hour together, whether it was coffee or just him walking you to class. 

it was his way of making sure you were okay because he had to see it with his eyes. 

he needed to make sure you were fine. 

and if you didn’t see each other, his phone was never void of stupid tiktoks, reels or texts from you which only served as indication that you were okay. 

alas, his phone hadn’t pinged with your notification or your call. 

and he couldn’t stand it. 

faster than satoru would ever admit, suguru and sukuna beat him and nanami. 

as satoru yelled in protest, sukuna tossed the controller aside, chuckling lowly before walking away towards the kitchen. 

the distraction of video games was gone, the noise drowning as he walked away, glancing down at his phone to see no sign of you. 

it was nearing evening now. he wondered what you were doing. probably baking, maybe studying or watching your stupid shows. 

then that feeling settled again. that dragging, sinking pull behind his sternum. 

the one he felt every damn time you were upset with him. he kept telling himself he was irritated, angry, even. but the feeling twisting under his ribs wasn’t anger. 

it was something softer, gentler. something he couldn’t outrun. 

he missed you. and it’s been a day. 

fucking pathetic. 

with a grumble, he started making his protein shake, steps practiced but lazy, thoughts still made up of thoughts of you and that night. 

his phone pinged on the table and he offered it a glance before his heart thudded. 

brat : hey are you free? 7:06pm 

ryo : what’s up?  7:06pm 

and even the brief two minutes it took you to start typing, his agitation grew. 

brat : yuji’s here brat : megumi too  7:08pm 

sukuna’s brows furrowed, annoyance already simmering, underlying concern pushing between his ribs.

what the fuck? 

ryo : otw  7:09pm 

☾

you paced the floor, mind whirring with what you were gonna tell sukuna, more preoccupied with how to act with him. 

he’s used to you letting him back in. 

you remembered the girls’ words, hands clenching by your sides. 

maybe you should let him sit with the discomfort. let him see that he doesn’t get to act like you’re his. 

a sigh left your lips as you glanced at the couch where yuji and megumi were watching some ufc fight, yelling and cheering. 

he doesn’t own you. start treating him like he doesn’t. 

as if fate itself heard your inner thoughts, you heard a key push into the keyhole. 

your eyes widened, along with yuji and megumi’s as you all stared at each other for a beat. two. 

before they both scrambled over to you, standing right behind you. 

then the door opened and there he was. 

ryomen sukuna with brows furrowed and his usual grumpiness painted over his pretty features. 

his eyes immediately met your own doe eyed gaze, feeling yuji’s hand tugging on your shirt. 

“ryo, before you-“

sukuna shut the door, eyed glowering at the three of you, stood like prey. 

“what did you do, kid-“ his eyes, you could immediately tell, caught sight of the nasty black eye yuji was sporting. along with that, you caught the concern he tried to smother with anger, “what the hell-“

“yuji and gumi, go to the guest room, okay?” 

the boys needed no more words from you, rushing down the hall to the second bedroom as you stood, watching sukuna. 

sukuna watched his brother go, fists clenching at his sides. 

“you need to calm down and listen to me-“

“listen?! how the fuck did he get here and how did he get that-“

“will you just sit and listen, ryo?! for once?!” 

your words had his mouth sealing, eyes still heated but he listened. 

without another word, he walked towards your couch, taking a seat, legs manspread and arms crossed making his biceps bulge. 

you took a deep breath before following him to the living area, standing in front of him, arms crossed as you watched him.

sukuna was preoccupied with the fact that he was seeing you. 

and you seemed fine. maybe a bit off, but you were safe. 

and he hated to admit how much that took a weight of something off his chest. 

“they showed up like an hour ago, okay? yuji got in a fight at school and they called your gramps and he didn’t wanna go home so he came here.” sukuna was already sitting up straighter, brows furrowed as he listened, “and he didn’t wanna go to you cuz, well…he got suspended for a week, okay? but these boys were messing with him, saying stuff a-about you, your dad, me-“

and sukuna immediately straightened, jaw clenching as he watched you.

you could see him tense up incredibly at the mere mention of his father, the topic always holding true as the one things that sukuna would never truly open up about. even to you. 

“what the fuck did they say about you?” 

his voice was low, menacing, never targeted at you but took you by surprise, nonetheless. 

did he not hear anything you said? 

“um, i dunno, i didn’t ask him to elaborate-“ you ignored the way your heart skipped a beat, gulping softly as you assessed his angry features, “t-the point is, go easy on him, okay? i know you’re probably mad but it’s not his fault, okay? they were on him-“ 

“you still mad at me?” 

his question threw you off guard immediately. 

what the hell? 

your head tilted as you took a step back, arms still crossed as confusion filtered through your gaze. 

but as you looked at him, you spotted the vulnerability at the surface, the slight hesitation in his eyes as his jaw clenched with effort. 

you gulped gently, the girls’ words in your mind once again. 

“did you hear anything i said?” your words didn’t leave your lips as sharply as you intended, instead laced with gentleness you wish you didn’t always reserve for him.

sukuna stood up slowly, eyes never leaving yours making you let out a small breath. 

“i heard ya, brat.” he stated, taking a step closer with a glint in his eye that had your eyes softening as you looked up at him. 

“and you’re not mad at yuji?” you questioned with apprehension, brows furrowing in wonder. 

“oh i’m pissed at the little fucker…” your mouth opened to defend the teenager when sukuna took another step forward, “but i’m proud of him for not taking their shit.”

and at least he got you to talk to me. 

you couldn’t help the tug of your lips at his words, content and you always adored when he acted all big brother with yuji, despite his rough demeanor. 

“well…good. you should be.” you stated surely, nodding as he took a step even closer till you were looking up at him softly, “he’s a good kid, sukuna.”

sukuna simply nodded as he looked down at you, ever the giant you’ve known since you were a child. 

with his tongue pressing against the inside of his cheek, he nodded once, arms crossed.

“know he is. i’ll call gramps and let’m know he’s staying with me for the week.” he stated, eyes never leaving yours as he tilted his head, “good?”

almost like a kid waiting for approval, waiting for that golden star sticker to be placed on his chest.

waiting for you. 

and you wanted, more than anything, to give him that. 

to soften.

shoko and utahime’s words permeated your thoughts as you took a step back.

“yeah…yeah, that’s a good idea…” your words were gentle with a nod as you looked towards the hall, “i’ll get the boys.”

before sukuna could say anything, you rushed passed him, letting out a breath of desperation. 

you didn’t have to turn around to know he was watching you walk away, you could feel it. 

the weighted stare between your shoulder blades the kind that always made your pulse slip. 

sukuna wasn’t subtle. not when it came to you. 

you knocked lightly on the guest room door and called for the boys, voice steady despite your trembling hands. 

megumi opened the door first, flat stare and unimpressed tone.

“is he done?”

before you could answer, yuji appeared behind him, frantic and ever the dramatic one between the two.

“is he doing the scary eyebrows?”

“yes.” you whispered back, making yuji swallow.

“is he…mad at me?”

“a little…” you admitted gently, hand coming up to gently ruffle his pink locks, “but he won’t yell. i…talked to him.”

you didn’t see sukuna lean a shoulder against the hallway wall behind you, watching you soften for his kid brother. the version of you he pretended didn’t undo him. 

when the boys followed you out the room, sukuna’s gaze flicked immediately to yuji’s eye, bruised and throbbing. something tightened in his jaw, slow and lethal. 

then his eyes returned to yours, the familiar pair of doe eyes he’s always known, so big and silently urging him to calm down.

and just like that, the sharpness lifted, softened, twisted into something you desperately tried not to recognize. 

“go sit.” sukuna muttered to yuji with a chin jerk toward the couch. 

yuji went instantly, megumi following like he’d rather die than stay in the blast radius. 

and then it was just you and him again. 

your breath caught before you could hide it. he noticed, of course he did. he noticed everything.

why were you being so weird? ugh, stupid shoko and utahime!

their words interfered with your mind, your thoughts, making you second-guess every little thing you did before you did it. 

“you seem off.” he stated plainly, voice low. not angry, not exactly, but accusing. 

you crossed your arms tighter, chin lifting because you needed the distance. 

“i’m not off…” he took a step closer, “i’m allowed to be mad after what you did, ryo…” you tried so hard to be firm, to remember shoko’s stop softening, “you don’t get to be angry about that.”

a muscle jumped in his jaw. again, not anger, but something heavier. 

“i’m not angry that you’re upset, brat…” he took in a sharp breath, like he was trying to cultivate his words properly, it was like seeing a baby learn to walk, “i'm angry that i made you upset in the first place.” 

the way in which the words left his pink lips, so quietly, you weren’t sure you heard right. you froze. 

he stuffed his hands into his pockets immediately, like he regretted letting the words escape. 

“forget it,” he muttered, looking away as he pretended the admission didn’t slip out, “just…don’t shut me out like that. drives me fuckin’ insane.”

your ribs tightened, traitorously, stupidly. 

this was exactly what you weren’t supposed to do. melt. 

“kuna…” your voice betrayed you but you couldn’t help it. too soft. too forgiving.

he looked at you again, eyes dipped to the plush of your mouth before he caught himself.

“yeah?” he asked, almost bracing himself to hear something he wouldn’t like. 

and that’s when you forced yourself to remember. he doesn’t own you, stop acting like he does. 

you took a step back. 

“i’ll get yuji some more ice,” you whispered, “just…sit with him. talk. don’t yell.”

sukuna’s brows twitched, a silent question at you stepping away from him yet again. 

but he only huffed, nodding once. 

“fine.” his eyes didn’t leave you, “i’ll…try.”

and then softer, almost invisible, “just wait..okay?”

your heart nearly gave out, his face resembling a fourteen year old sukuna so immensely, it hurt. 

but you swallowed it whole, lifting your chin and walking towards the kitchen. 

you didn’t see the way sukuna watched you go, jaw clenched, shoulders tense, eyes full of that low and heavy ache he refused to name. 

meanwhile, yuji sat on the couch resembling someone awaiting trial, knees together, hands clasped, eyes darting between the dark tv screen and sukuna’s heavy footsteps approaching. 

megumi sat beside him with the energy of a kid forced to witness someone else’s punishment. 

sukuna didn’t yell, simply stood there for a long beat, staring at his brother’s bruised eye like the sight carved something out of him. 

“what are their names.” it was more of a statement than a question. 

his voice dropped low, not loud, not wild but that quiet, lethal tone that made even megumi sit up straighter. 

yuji's mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. 

“i-um, it wasn’t-“

“their names, yuji.” sukuna repeated, eyes sharp and jaw tight. 

you stood by the kitchen, pretending not to listen. pretending sukuna’s low protectiveness towards his bother wasn’t heartwarming, wasn’t…hot. 

megumi nudged yuji, “just tell him, man, he’s gonna explode.”

yuji let out a defeated sigh, shoulder slumping as he looked down. 

“it was those idiots from the track team. they were…talking, um, about you. about dad. about-“

his eyes flicked toward the kitchen and sukuna’s jaw flexed so hard, a vein popped at his temple. 

“what did they say.”

yuji shrank, knowing that sukuna was more interested in a particular set of information more than others. 

megumi rubbed his face, muttering a low oh god.

“i didn’t let em finish!” yuji blurted quickly, “i got mad and swung, which was dumb, i know, but i didn’t want them talking about her like that and then one of them shoved me and-“

sukuna exhaled sharply, pacing once, twice. he dragged a hand down his face.

he looked furious, yes, but under it, something else. something that made yuji’s shoulders relax a little. 

“you could’ve gotten hurt, they were five kids.” sukuna muttered, eyes dripping with something akin to concern for his brother. 

yuji blinked, “i can handle myself.”

“that’s not the fuckin’ point,” sukuna shot back too fast, too raw, “you get one brain, dipshit. and you barely have one, don’t let people knock it outta your skull.” 

yuji’s lips twitched, right along with your soft smile because that was sukuna code for i'm worried about you. 

“sorry,” yuji mumbled, gaze dropping, “i just didn’t like what they were saying. about you. about her. they don’t know anything about what happened.”

sukuna stopped pacing. slowly, his shoulders dropped. 

“yeah…” he muttered, “they don’t.”

megumi glanced at him, unimpressed. 

“if you’re done pretending you’re not touched, can we turn the fight back on?”

“shut up.” sukuna muttered with no heat lacing his words. 

yuji laughed, small but tired. 

it was quiet for a moment as megumi turned the tv back on, the ufc fight drowning out the silence. 

“are you and her okay?” yuji questioned, curious as he grabbed another pastry from the table. 

sukuna froze as yuji winced softly, “i heard you talking.”

sukuna’s throat bobbed once as his eyes flicked unconsciously toward the kitchen, toward you. 

“she’s mad at me. nothin’ new.” sukuna stated gruffly, “none of your business either.”

yuji scoffed as he studied his brother, taking a too big bite from the delicious baked good. 

“so go fix it. you’re ike the master at making her mad then making her forgive you.” 

his words were muffled by the palmier in his mouth. 

“not that easy, kid.” 

yuji rolled his eyes, but megumi beat him to it. 

“you're just saying that cuz your scared.” 

yuji and sukuna turned their heads sharply to the blunt teenager. 

“um…he didn’t mean scared scared, just-“ yuji tried to elaborate for his best friend, but megumi simply rolled his eyes. 

“i meant it.”

though sukuna’s glare was deadly, it was drowned out by a level of fondness for the boy. 

he liked megumi, he liked his style. he respected it. 

“whatever. you two are coming to the frat with me,” he pointed at both boys before turning to yuji, “and you’re staying the week after i talk to gramps.”

both boys nodded in agreement. 

“ugh, would rather stay here.” yuji pouted, eyes traveling over the pretty expanse of your apartment, “the frat smells like shit and it smells nice here and she always makes food and these pastries, and everything is so clean-“ he looked up at sukuna’s glare, “but yeah, the frat is fine.”

“thought so.” sukuna muttered with a sigh of exhaustion.  

“she really cares about you, you know?” yuji’s voice was softer now, carrying a level of fondness he always did with you. 

sukuna’s chest clenched so visibly, megumi and yuji exchanged a look. 

“and you care about her.” yuji added. 

sukuna glared, “yuji.”

the teenager smiled sheepishly. 

“m’just saying! you’ve always been nicer when she’s around.”

“no m’not.”

“…kinda are.”

“yuji.”

“kinda way nicer.”

“yuji!”

the kid shut up, finally, but his smile remained.

the room fell quiet, except for sukuna’s breathing, uneven in that way he didn’t notice but you did. 

he dragged a hand across his soft pink locks, exhaling hard. 

“just…” his voice deepened, “don’t get into fights over me. or her. that’s my job, y’hear me?”

yuji nodded immediately as megumi shrugged. 

“they deserved it, though.”

sukuna pointed at him, “shut the fuck up.”

megumi raised both hands, “just saying.”

sukuna rubbed his temples, “brats. both of you.”

yuji grinned and megumi smirked. 

and even though his chest still hurt, even though he could hear you moving softly in the kitchen, very clearly avoiding him, sukuna felt something ease. a little. not much, but enough. 

☾

the frat house at eight in the morning was something out of hell. 

not metaphorical hell. actual, living, breathing hell. 

yuji woke up to a loud bass through the walls, the smell of stale beer and gojo’s voice yelling from the hallway. 

yo, where are my pants?!

followed by geto’s unbothered voice, which ones?

followed by a thud. then hysterical laughter. then something breaking. 

megumi sat up slowly from his semi-mattress on the floor, spiky black locks pointed up, face blank but eyes dead. 

the kind of dead that only came from being fifteen and forced to sleep in a frat house full of stupid college boys. 

yuji rubbed his eyes, groaning, “i hate it here.”

megumi didn’t miss a beat, “i hated it here the second we walked in.”

another crash. another scream. 

is that blood or is that juice? geto, check! wait, no! don’t check, i’m scared!

megumi pinched the bridge of his nose as yuji sank further into the couch.

they both startled when the door was kicked open. not pushed, not knocked upon, but kicked. 

“yo!” gojo busted in, shirtless, white hair a mess as his sunglasses hung from one ear, “oh! children!”

 a grin split his lips, eyes dancing with amusement.

yuji flinched and megumi glared, “we’re not children.” 

gojo gasped loudly as if deeply offended, “awwww, they’re talking back, suguru, come look!”

geto appeared behind him, sipping coffee like he hadn’t spent the morning cleaning bodily fluids off their ping pong table. 

“satoru, leave them alone.” he waved lazily, “you’re scaring them.” 

megumi’s anger grew. 

“i’m not scary,” gojo scoffed, stepping inside anyway, “i’m delightful.”

“delightfully stupid.” megumi muttered, now fully awake and annoyed. 

yuji stood, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“uh…is breakfast a thing here?”

both men stared at him like he’d asked for filet mignon. 

“there’s leftover pizza…somewhere.” geto stated with a shrug. 

yuji blinked as he and megumi shared a look, “we’ll pass.” 

“yuji…we need to go to her place.” megumi whispered sharply as yuji nodded so fast, his hair bounced. 

“yes. yes, now.”

gojo perked up like a dog hearing the word walk. 

“her place, huh? you guys ditching us for the princess?”

megumi didn’t answer, already stood and putting his shoes on. 

yuji was quick to follow, both boys frantic. 

gojo patted both boys on the head like tired puppies and pointed toward the door. 

“sukuna’s outside. he’ll drop you off. go. be free.” 

yuji blinked, “he’s what?”

“coach called early practice.” geto explained, “he’s about to leave.”

that was enough for the two boys to grab their bags and run down the stairs and out the front door. 

they quickly spotted sukuna stood by his truck as he placed his duffel in the trunk, eyes turning to the door when they came running. 

he took one look at the boys’ exhausted faces and scoffed. 

“frat too loud for you little shits?”

yuji nearly collapsed on the sidewalk before him, “PLEASE take us to her apartment.” 

megumi nodded firmly, “we cannot stay here.”

sukuna’s eye twitched but he opened the back door with a grunt and they practically scrambled. 

once they were in the car, yuji buckled his seatbelt at record speed, megumi collapsing dramatically against the window, sukuna started the engine. 

sukuna wouldn’t admit that he wasn’t taking them to you for them. 

he was taking them to you for him.

☾

the knocks weren’t violent this time. 

three soft taps. a pause. another. 

you were halfway through brushing your teeth when you heard it, quickly rinsing with your pink tinted mouthwash before walking towards the door, huffing softly. 

you were still in your maroon pajamas, slippers soft against your feet. 

when you opened the door, you first spotted yuji’s bright grin. 

“morning!” he beamed, bruised eye and all. 

megumi lifted a hand in a silent greeting, expression it’s usual bored neutrality but his eyes traveled over you with a small blush on his cheeks. 

and behind them, leaning against the wall, hood up and eyes low, stood sukuna. 

your breath caught and you hated that it did. 

“brats begged me to come here and i’ve got practice,” he grunted, voice rough with morning gravel, jerking his chin toward the door, “coach moved it up.” 

you nodded gently, eyes glancing at the boys who were practically buzzing. 

like hounds, you could tell they could smell the cinnamon rolls you’d stress-baked last night and that had your eyes dancing with mirth. 

but you were too aware of the girls’ voice in your head. 

stop softening. 

so you cleared your throat, stepping back and opening the door wider for the boys who immediately barreled past you, already kicking off their shoes, knowing your rule, and into the expanse of your flat. 

the smell of cinnamon and something festive filled their nostrils immediately. 

it was november, after all. 

“you can come in too.”

you barely glanced at him before turning around but you could feel the air shift when he crossed the threshold, like the walls themselves recognized him. 

he closed the door with his foot, gaze settling on you, heavy and unreadable. 

studying you, always checking for any sign of discomfort. 

you were definitely different but safe. 

and you could feel it. the weight of his stare on your cheek, your hair, your hands. 

something softened in your chest, instinctive and stupid. 

no. don’t soften. don’t be easy. 

“i’ll pick em up after practice,” his voice was low, glancing at the two idiots arguing over which piece of cinnamon roll they wanted, “don’t let em bother you.”

“they’re fine, ryo.”

and you flinched at the softness in your tone, the softness you were trying to avoid. 

his jaw ticked as he took a step closer, like he couldn’t help it. 

you stepped back. and something in his face flickered, just barely, but you saw it. 

something akin to hurt. maybe surprise. something vulnerable that had your chest constrict. 

“you good?” his voice was gruff but not guarded. 

don’t soften. don’t soften. 

 “i’m fine.” you said gently, “go. you’ll be late.” 

he nodded once, slow, eyes lingering on you longer than they should’ve. 

like he was trying to read something. like he was waiting for you to unfreeze and shove him, or roll your eyes or say his name in that way you always do. 

but you didn’t. so he inhaled sharply through his nose, turned around and muttered, “text me if you need anything.”

you didn’t respond. he left anyway. 

☾

“you know, you guys are tragic.” yuji stated with a mouthful of food as your pan warmed up. 

you looked up from the bowl of pancake batter. 

“what are you talking about?” you clicked your tongue as you watched him and megumi shove another cinnamon roll into their mouths, the nine in the plate now down to five, “and stop eating, i’m making you breakfast!” 

“we’re growing boys, we need food!” yuji stated, still chewing making you grimace as you sprinkled more vanilla into the batter, “and i’m talking about you and sukuna.” 

you nearly dropped the bowl. 

“what about me and sukuna?” you muttered gently as you used the ladle in your hand to place a generous amount of batter onto the heated pan. 

“that you’re like, in love with him-“

a gasp left your lips as you looked up at the two boys. 

“yuji!” you snapped, cheeks flaming, “don’t-what-i’m not-“

“you are,” megumi added dryly, “it’s obvious.”

your hands fluttered uselessly at your sides. 

“i am NOT.” but your voice cracked halfway through which was extremely unhelpful. 

yuji shifted in the barstool, chin in his hand, grinning like he’d been waiting years to have this conversation. 

“it’s okay!” he chirped, “kuna’s in love with you too!” 

your soul left your body. 

“YUJI ITADORI.” you whisper yelled, nearly combusting as you looked towards the door, as if sukuna was still standing on the other side. 

megumi didn’t look up from his plate, “he’s right.”

you covered your face with your hands, heat crawling up your neck. 

“he is NOT-and we would never-“

“it’s true-“

“okay, stop!” you couldn’t take it anymore, your cheeks blazing with fire, “no more talking about sukuna. or me. me and sukuna.” 

your hands dug into your face as your elbows rested on the counter. 

yuji patted your hair very sympathetically, “can we still have pancakes?”

you lifted your head slowly, glaring at the bright-eyed boy. 

“only cuz you’re bruised.”

yuji nodded with a grin, “fair.”

twenty minutes later, the apartment smelled like warm batter and cocoa powder. 

yuji was inhaling pancakes like a starved wolf and megumi was pretending he didn’t enjoy the little heart shaped marshmallows in the hot chocolate you made exactly how he liked.

you sat at the table, chin in your hand and eyes unfocused. 

“you’re thinking about him.” yuji sing-singed as you huffed gently. 

“megumi,” you whispered, “please take him away.”

megumi shrugged gently, “why? you are.”

you glared at both boys, but your chest still fluttered at the memory of sukuna. 

are you good?

you sighed, long and soft. 

“he just…gets under my skin.”

yuji gasped softly, “that’s cuz you LOVE-“

“YUJI.”

“-his grumpy little heart-“

“YUJI.”

“-and his BIG-“

“finish that sentence and you’re going back to the frat.” 

his mouth shut immediately.

by the time you had to leave for your own class, the boys were settled comfortably on your couch, half-asleep, full and warm, curled up with fluffy blankets like kittens. 

they were watching some show you didn’t care to ask about. 

yuji waved lazily as you opened the door. 

“love you!” yuji called out. 

“love you too.” you answered automatically, “text if you need anything.”

and you let the door shut behind you, something tugging at your chest, beating at your ribcage. 

damn you, yuji. 

☾

“you know, you’ve been a miserable prick all day…like, more than usual.”

satoru’s voice was already pissing sukuna off and that was the first thing he’d heard him say that day. 

“it’s only twelve, satoru.” geto deadpanned, rolling his eyes as he scarfed down the chipotle bowl in his hands. they had finished practice an hour ago and were now sitting on campus.

“just sayin’. it’s insane, like has to be studied type of insane, how much she affects you.” satoru spoke his thoughts aloud as sukuna glared immediately.

“you like to breathe, gojo?” satoru looked up at sukuna’s low voice but was seemingly unfazed. 

“i do enjoy it, yes. and you won’t do shit to me cuz you love me!” he grinned, as if winning a prize but sukuna’s glare only narrowed, making satoru’s grin falter, the sureness melting the slightest bit. 

“i’m just saying, bro, this back and forth between you has been going on forever,” he dragged on the last word, eyes rolling, “imagine how much happier you’d be if you just told her how you feel-“

“i don’t feel shit.” sukuna growled, eyes turning sharp and jaw ticking at the idiot seated before him. the idiot who continued like sukuna hadn’t even spoken. 

“you’d be happy, no more jealousy or fighting, you’d get laid regularly-“

“i get laid plenty.” sukuna scoffed, anger rising at all the other shit he was saying. 

he was so peeved, he almost missed the glance shared between geto and gojo, but his eyes narrowed when he caught it. “what.”

it was a demand, gruff and firm as the two boys looked away, only angering the pink haired man further. 

“gojo-“ his voice was deep, lethal and something scary. satoru immediately shrugged, eyes wide and hesitant. 

“nothing, okay? nothing! i just…just have a conspiracy theory is all.” he looked down at his food, voice trailing off at the end, sukuna having to strain his ears to hear it. 

conspiracy theory? 

sukuna’s eyes narrowed into something dangerous. 

“say it.” he gritted out, voice low enough that geto paused mid-chew. 

satoru swallowed hard, “no. because you’ll kill me. and unlike you, my face is pretty!” 

“gojo.” 

the single word was a threat, a warning. one even satoru wasn’t stupid enough to dismiss. 

he sighed like a martyr. 

“fine, but don’t punch me, okay? this is all speculation!” he defended, “just a theory i’ve been cooking up since that winter bash last year.”

geto exhaled through his nose like he was preparing to grieve the white-haired boy. 

all while sukuna patience grew thinner and thinner.

“just say it.” sukuna’s jaw flexed, shoulders high and chest already buzzing with something heavy and irritated. like he already knew what satoru was gonna say. 

satoru leaned in, voice dropping to a whisper, even though the place was wide and noise was loud, no one would hear them. 

“i don’t think you’ve been getting laid.” 

sukuna froze for a moment. geto winced preemptively. 

and then, “the fuck did you just say?” 

satoru scooted back on the bench like distance would save him from the 6’4 quarterback. 

“HEY, i said conspiracy theory! conspiracy, meaning not proven! hypothetical! possibly fictional!” 

sukuna’s glare could have melted steel but satoru kept going because he never knew when to stop speaking. 

“look, it’s just, you say you get laid plenty but there’d no evidence. NONE.” 

sukuna glared murderously but his gut tightened at the accusation. 

“exhibit a. you never, not once, brought a girl back to the frat.” 

sukuna scoffed, “i don’t need to parade shit around.” 

“right,” satoru nodded dramatically, “except every other guy does, i mean, i wear hickeys like a badge of honor! but you? mr. i get laid plenty? nothing. not a single walk of shame in three years.” 

geto hummed, “it is statistically unusual for the amount of times you’ve seemingly slept with a girl.”

sukuna’s jaw ticked. 

“exhibit b,” satoru continued, “you disappear at parties for, like, fifteen minutes. max. then you come back looking the exact same. no messed up hair. no smug smile, no lipstick stains, no hickeys, nothing!” 

geto nodded thoughtfully, “he also comes back in a worse mood than before which is odd for someone who supposedly just got laid.”

“exactly!” satoru grinned, adding gleefully, “half the time, the girl you disappeared with leaves looking weird. not good weird and not necessarily bad weird…but surprised weird.”

sukuna scowled, “those girls were-“

“lying?” satoru cut in, eyes narrowing, “that’s exhibit c.”

sukuna’s glare sharpened, hands clenching by his sides as he gulped lowly. 

“i think you need to keep up ryomen sukuna’s reputation, vice president.” satoru leaned back just a bit, eyes narrowed and lips tugging upwards, “the school’s forbidden fruit. the most sought after frat boy. you want people to know you get laid. you know what i think? i think the girls lie for clout, man.”

geto hummed, continuing the claim calmly. 

“several of the girls that claim they’ve slept with you change their stories or timelines don’t make sense…” he nodded once, “like that one blonde from your political science class. said she slept with you in that winter bash last year but i remember that party and you left early because y/n was freaking out about this assignment she had. you were upstairs with the girl for like ten minutes but then you left.”

“that was the party that confirmed my suspicions because when i asked her where your scar was-“ he paused as his head tilted just the slightest bit, “she said your thigh. but you don’t have a scar on your thigh, you have one on your hip.” 

sukuna couldn’t even register the oddness of his claim because his ears were ringing. 

his chest tightened, hot and humiliating, because they were getting too close to the truth. 

to the thing he’d buried under years of scowls and reputations and utter bullshit. 

but satoru wasn’t done. 

“plus, she said you cuddled after and that immediately confirmed she was lying.”

sukuna looked personally offended by his words, face twisting in distaste. 

“why the fuck would i cuddle-“

“exactly!” satoru cut in, “so, we knew girls lied about sleeping with you. the pattern is obvious. girls go in thinking they’re gonna hook up with the legendary ryomen sukuna…then come out disappointed because you dipped.”

and then satoru said the thing that cracked the whole world wide open. 

“i think you bail because you can’t go through with it…because you’re too hung up on her.” 

sukuna’s pulse spiked instantly. like someone shoved a fist between his ribs. 

“i’ll snap your spine in half, you white haired freak.” 

satoru merely grinned, brows wiggling in amusement and something close to pride. 

“that is not denial.” 

something was brewing within sukuna. something that had been there for too many years, this softness, his soul pleading for sukuna to give this feeling face. 

to accept this urge within him. the painful yearning for her and no one else. 

sukuna almost felt winded, hand coming up to clutch at the material atop his heart. 

the irritation, the tenderness and exhaustion pounding behind his ribs. 

“haven’t touched anyone since freshman year.”

it left sukuna like a breath, sharp and laced with relief. 

finally, finally, finally. 

his soul was screaming at him and he hated to admit how fucking good it felt to say it out loud, even if it was to the two idiots who he was sure would make him soon regret it. 

satoru’s jaw dropped and geto blinked once. 

“that’s…three years.” the dark haired boy stated, words dripping with disbelief.

“no shit,” sukuna hissed, eyes darting away, chest tightening with something almost painful, "i tried, i did, twice.” 

satoru leaned forward like he was about to be told state secrets. 

sukuna’s voice dipped lower, quieter, begrudging, like he despised every word that left his mouth. 

“i did it once, our second alpha phi party…” his throat bobbed, “i fucked this girl and it went fine. then…the second time,” he let out a breath, “i tried to but then she crossed my mind, for like a fuckin’ second…and everything just-“

he made an angry, frustrated gesture at his lap. 

geto choked on air as satoru slapped a hand over his own mouth to muffle a scream. 

“NO WAY.” 

“shut the fuck up.” sukuna muttered, ears now painted pink, “after that, i just…lost interest.”

there was a beat of silence. 

then satoru said the worst possible thing in that moment. 

“oh my god…” his voice trembled with excitement, “you’re dickmatized by someone you’ve never even slept with.” 

sukuna lunged and geto grabbed him by the arm, “stop, stop, shit-“

but satoru was cackling, tears in his eyes, “HE’S SAVING HIMSELF FOR HER-“

“i’m not saving shit!” sukuna barked, fists clenching, face burning with anger he refused to call embarrassment, “i slept with like two girls! but…i don’t know, i just don’t care about anyone else. not interested. pointless.” 

his voice was uncharacteristically soft, almost imperceptibly on the last word. 

both gojo and geto softened immediately, not used to seeing sukuna this way. 

geto noticed that gentle child-like hesitance and his lips tugged up softly. 

satoru also noticed, except he had the emotional intelligence of a wet sock. 

“so…” satoru grinned, “you’re in love with her!”

sukuna’s chest tightened, sharp and dangerous but also soft. 

that awful heat reached the back of his throat. 

he looked away, jaw flexing, voice gravel deep as he muttered a low shut up. 

it was quieter, heavier. the kind that sounded like an admission. 

he swallowed once, ribs aching in that soft, horrible way only she could make him feel. 

“you should tell her how you feel, man.” 

sukuna immediately scoffed, “not happenin’.”

“why not?” satoru’s brows furrowed, a pout etching his lips. 

sukuna was quiet for a moment, nose flaring in frustration at the mere feeling in his chest, his heart, his gut. she made him feel everywhere. 

“she deserves better than me,” his voice was low, the admission clawing at his chest, “plus, if she ever knew how bad i’ve got it? she’d run.”

satoru immediately scoffed, shaking his head. 

“no she wouldn’t. she already knows your insane and still puts up with you. you can’t ignore it, sukuna.”

sukuna’s jaw ticked once more.

“look.” his voice was gruff but honest, “this urge to run away from her, from loving her is a sadism i don’t pretend to get, okay? i just know i can never let it happen.”

his voice cracked on that last word, barely, but geto caught it.

satoru went silent, head tilting, chest constricting in sympathy. 

it was the first ever time they’d seen sukuna like this. 

the air shifted, sukuna stared at the ground, shoulders curled slightly inward, the faintest fracture in his stone-cold armor. 

vulnerable and quiet in a way he’d never allow himself to be. 

“so fuckin’ drop it.” he muttered, silence following. 

no one spoke for a long moment. then geto cleared his throat slightly, voice steady. 

“still a conspiracy.” the words were heavy, despite his reassuring smirk. 

satoru nodded solemnly, “yup. never happened. we didn’t hear shit.”

sukuna didn’t lift his head, but some of the tension in his shoulders eased. 

“good.” he muttered under his breath. 

because if anyone else found out? if she found out?

his whole world would crack open. 

☾

“are you okay?” the redhead- claire, clara, whatever- stated, hands still around sukuna’s neck as he paused for the nth time. 

his gaze settled on her. her hair. her lips. her eyes. her eyes again. 

not you, not you, not you. 

his eyes fluttered closed. he tried to forget for a moment. 

he tried to forget the way you grinned at him, the way your voice carried that softness he loved, the way your pretty doe eyes rolled when he teased you. 

your hair. your lips. your eyes. then your eyes again. 

his eyes opened once more. 

and still, not you. 

the girl’s lips were moving, saying something he wasn’t listening to, the syllables blurring into a high-pitched murmur he couldn’t force himself to care about. 

he never listened. because it wasn’t you. 

her perfume was too sweet, hands too cold, laugh too sharp. 

not you, not you, not you. 

“sukuna?” she questioned again, tilting her head, nails grazing his jaw like she was coaxing out a reaction. 

he felt nothing. 

worse. he felt the wrong thing. 

his chest ached with something so utterly painful. his stomach twisted and his skin crawled with the urge to move her away. to get her off, push her hands off his neck before the lie of the moment made him sick. 

and then she leaned in again, lips brushing against his and his entire body froze. 

because in the split second her mouth touched him, he thought of you. 

your soft laughter spilling into his shoulder. your fingers tugging on his sleeve. your warmth pressed against his side on snowy walks home. 

your voice, whispering his name soft. softer. 

the contrast hit him like a fist and his body, the one every girl on campus worshipped, betrayed him completely. 

“sukuna?” she whispered, pulling back, “you’re uh-are you nervous or something?” 

he was only eighteen then. the girl was a junior, twenty and more experienced than him. 

nervous?

he’d taken a dozen punches without so much as flinching. he’d practically raised his brother while he was a child himself.

he wasn’t nervous. 

he was absolutely wrecked. 

wrecked by the ghost of you living in every corner and crevice of his mind and fuck, he never stood a chance, did he? 

“m’fine,” he lied, voice low and rough, almost irritated. mostly at himself. 

she kissed him again, slower this time, waiting for him to respond as her hand trailed down to his crotch, pressing where she was desperate for a reaction. 

his hands weren’t even touching her, simply hovering, never settling because the second he tried…

your hair. your eyes. your stupid, soft, perfect face flashed behind his eyelids. 

and everything in him begged and ached to stop. 

“okay, seriously, are you even into this?” she huffed, pulling back with frustration pinching her brows. he wasn’t. 

he exhaled through his nose, head turning away. 

into this? 

he wanted to be. 

he wanted to be normal 

to be able to touch someone without feeling like he was committing some betrayal. without feeling like he was swallowing glass. a slow form of torture. 

he wanted to forget you. 

but you had him ruined without ever meaning to do so. 

your nails had dug into him at twelve years old and he hadn’t let you go since. 

“y’know what?” sukuna muttered, the back of his hand wiping at his lips, “m’not in the mood.”

she blinked once, “seriously? then why the hell did you even bring me up here?”

he didn’t answer. because he didn’t know how to explain that looking at her face made him nauseous. not in a way that would make her insecure or cry. 

but because yours lived in the back of his mind like a heartbeat. constant. unavoidable. inescapable. 

“how bout this,” he lazily said, standing up to walk towards the door a bit, “you tell your little friends you slept with me, i’m sure that’s what you were excited about. and i won’t deny it, yeah?” 

she stood up quickly, face falling but her eyes said it all. 

yes, she wanted to actually fuck him but the clout was a close second. 

he didn’t wait for her to say anything, turning around to leave the room, back to the chaos of the party. 

he scrubbed a hand over his face. absolutely pathetic. 

somewhere between meeting you at twelve years old and absolutely being gone for you at eighteen, between loving you and wishing he didn’t, he forgot how to feel for anyone else. he forgot how to know anyone else. 

☾

an - omgggg i love this chapter lowkeyyy super proud if it! its my fav so far, even though not much of reader + sukuna! i know a drabble was supposed to come next but i got carried away with this chapter tbh, i was so into it so :) but deffo a drabble coming next !!

alsoo i'm gonna make a taglist (finally) cuz a lot of ppl are asking so if you wanna be in the taglist, lmk in my asksss!

warnings | (mdni) mentions of abuse / violence / trauma flashbacks / implied ptsd / panic attacks / toxic dynamics / sexual themes

series masterlist | prologue

☾

“ugh, you always do this!” 

your frustration was evident as you stomped your way down the sidewalk, the sounds of cabs honking and people chattering filling the tense space. 

you didn’t have to look back to see if sukuna was following, you knew he was. he always did. 

“yeah, yeah. keep bitchin’ at me, won’t change a thing, angel.” his low and dismissive tone had your blood boiling, quick to stop and turn to look at your pink-haired friend, his letterman jacket stretched across his broad shoulders and his tattoos peaked just the slightest where his shirt met the slope of his neck, “that asshole shoulda known i’d fuck’m up if he asked you.”

your gaze only narrowed further, fists clenching at your sides at the sight of sukuna so impossibly unbothered by this whole ordeal. 

“you scared away the one guy who had the balls to ask me to prom-“

sukuna was quick to roll his eyes, a scoff leaving his pink lips. 

“please, that guys’ balls are non-exis-“ 

“sukuna!” 

his glare was immediate, arms crossing as he took a step forward, the bustle and rush of the city, and mutters of disapproval as you both stood in the middle of the busy sidewalk irrelevant when there was an irritated sukuna involved. 

you knew he hated when you called him that and that was exactly why you did it, chin tilting up in challenge at the impossibly taller man, dwarfing you even at eighteen. 

“you can kick and scream all you want, brat, that kid didn’t deserve to have you as his prom date.” 

you paused for a moment, finding that his words were actually sweet. coming from someone who’s known ryomen sukuna since he was twelve, that’s as sweet as it gets. 

against your wishes, your frustration started dwindling in the slightest, shoulders slumping a bit, a sigh leaving your plush bitten lips. 

you looked up at your friend with big expectant eyes and trembling hands. 

“because of you, nobody wants to ask me to prom. no guy likes me-“

“tsk, brat. fuckin’ every guy likes you,” his glare softened but the tension in his voice remained, “thats the fuckin’ problem. you look like that, you’re all soft and pretty and everyone’s fuckin’ obsessed with your dumbass and none of them deserve you, you don’t hear the way they talk about y-“ 

you took a step forward, eyes impossibly wide and that goddman feeling sizzling beneath your skin once again. 

“then who does, kuna?” his mouth parted, eyes locked on yours, fists clenching at his sides.

and you could see it happen. 

the way his eyes, so heartbreakingly familiar, shifted slowly. 

that tiny falter you'd learned to recognize. 

courage rising, then fading. always eventually falling. he always pulled back before the truth could make it out of him. 

you knew that look, the retreat. you'd seen it a million times before. 

please, please, please don’t shut down on me. 

“who deserves me, ryo?” you pushed again, almost desperately. and you would’ve again. 

because he always did this. every time his actions spoke louder than he ever could, when his feelings were so painfully clear and that stupid feeling of hope sparked with fervor…

he’d pull back. he’d always-

“i don’t fuckin’ know, but not his lame ass.” 

you took a step back once again, eyes darting away as that familiar pit settled in your gut, so achingly familiar and you were so fucking sick of it. 

steadfast anger started replacing that same sadness, rising as your eyes narrowed. 

“ugh!” your hands pushed against his hard chest, the man didn’t move an inch but that didn’t stop you from doing it one more time, “you’re such an asshole! stay the hell out of my business and stay the hell away from me!” 

you caught the flash of panic in his gaze and a sick satisfaction twisted in your gut as you turned around and walked away, leaving behind a significantly more irritated sukuna.

☾

“finally.” it was a soft mutter that left your shimmering lips, eyes watching your old friend make his way towards you, always towards you. he dwarfed every passing body and the look in his eyes even had choso put down his blunt, all eyes wearily on him and frankly, afraid for your life. 

and when he stopped just before your spot on the couch, looking down at you with his chest heaving and eyes looking at your black tank top and matching mini skirt, a grunt left his lips. 

“can i help you?” your arms crossed and head tilted, doe eyes looking the man up and down in a way you know he hated because you looked like a judgy bitch as he called it. your lashes fluttered, dimple peaking in amusement as his arms bulged even under his loose black shirt. 

sukuna’s glare sharpened, mouth parting like he couldn’t believe the words leaving your mouth. 

how does someone even look like that? 

your hair all bouncy and pretty, impossible soft and shiny under the pink lights. your plump lips shimmered with whatever fuckass lipgloss you decided to put on and your makeup made your cheeks glow and your lids shimmer. 

and your eyes, fuckin’ hell. 

his one weakness and he had an inkling you knew it too, with the way your lashes fluttered and your head tilted in a way that made them impossibly bigger. 

stupid ass bambi eyes. 

your arms crossed over your top, pushing your perky breasts just the slightest bit higher making him want to lock you in your apartment for at least a week. 

“what the fuck are you doing here?” 

his words were impossibly low and deep, satoru audibly gulping from his place beside geto. 

even shoko’s hand gravitated towards your knee in support, silently offering help and a suggestion to make a break for it. 

you simply shrugged, a small smile on your face, gaze never leaving kuna’s dark one. 

“like i told you this morning, i’m here to have fun. right, sho?” 

shoko’s eyes immediately widened, mouth parting as she looked around the group for help no one offered. 

“um. yes?” you turned to her with a small glare “yes. yes! we’re having fun!” 

you nodded in approval, smile widening as you turned back to sukuna who could have had smoke comically coming out of his ears at this point. 

“fun, huh?” he muttered lowly, head tilting as he eyed your figure once again making you roll your eyes gently. 

“yes, fun. are you familiar?” your increasingly bratty tone in the midst of sukuna’s rising anger had satoru and geto exchange a look of concern. 

“oh, i’m plenty familiar, angel. you know what i think would be fun? dragging your little ass back home.” 

sukuna felt his eye twitch at the hum that left your lips before you stood up, seemingly misjudging just how close sukuna was standing as your body almost completely brushed against his, causing your breath to hitch. 

“no, thank you!” you stepped back, offering him your sweetest smile before taking another step back, “i’m getting water, i’m thirsty.” 

you turned around, quick to make your way past the sea of bodies towards the drinks section. you didn’t need to look back to know sukuna was following. you never did. 

just as you made it to the middle of people dancing, your mouth curling in disdain at the kissing and grinding, sukuna’s hand enveloped your much smaller one, quick to turn you around. 

his shoulders were tense and his eyes darted around everywhere, evidently hyperaware of the bodies pushing against you both, a groan leaving his lips, along with a mutter of your name. 

“i’m taking you home. let’s go.” 

and every fibre of your being wanted to desperately nod, hold his hand and allow him to take you home because truly, you despised this. 

but you had a point to prove and his insistence was just fueling your desire to prove him wrong. 

“no, kuna. get me a drink, i’m thirsty.” 

your arms crossed and your eyes glared up at him. he was quick to mirror your glare, knowing you better than anyone. this little act of defiance was getting you nowhere because sooner or later, you were bound to get all overstimulated and ask him to take you home, itching to shower and watch your stupid shows or bake your stupidly delicious baked goods. 

so, he’ll wait it out because he knew you. he knew you more than anyone. 

he pretended not to notice your grimace when a shirtless frat guy walked past or your index finger inching towards the skin of your thumb to incessantly pick at it. a habit he’s despised since you were younger. 

“alright, brat, let’s get you a drink.” 

his words caused your arms to loosen to your sides, nodding softly as you stepped closer to him and he resisted the urge to chuckle at your predictable behavior. 

you wanted him to push. you wanted him to force you back home because you wanted to go back home. dumbass. 

his broad chest brushed against your back as he lead you towards the kitchen, one hand on the nape of your neck, firm but grounding, never suffocating. 

the crowd parted for the 6’5 man like the red sea, his intimidating gaze sharp as he glared at anyone that was drunk and stupid enough to almost bump into you.

“lemonade?” he muttered gruffly, already grabbing a red solo cup and looking for the familiar can of sparkling lemonade. 

“yes, please.” you stated, soft and low as you hopped onto the stool, big curious eyes watching over the sea of people with a lulling anxiousness in your chest that was invisible to everyone but him. 

his eyes never left your figure, even as he poured your drink and held it out to you. 

“here, brat.” 

you hummed in thanks as you took a small sip, eyes looking up at him in satisfaction. 

“m’having so much fun, ryo.” 

it’s like you didn’t even try to mask the distaste in your tone, eyes still wide with alarm and mouth curled in what resembled disgust more than a smile. 

sukuna let out a low chuckle, hand atop your head, patting it twice before you swatted it away with a huff. 

“sure you are. life of the party, right here.” 

you couldn’t help but giggle softly, shaking your head as he placed one hand on the counter beside you, the other on the outside of your knee as he shielded you away from the party the best he could. 

“feelin’ okay?” his voice was low but riddled with underlying concern, making you roll your eyes softly, hand on his chest as you pushed him back with no avail. 

“shit, ryo, i’m not a charity case! i’m fine!” you rolled your eyes, taking another sip of your drink as you looked away from the man standing before you. 

sukuna scoffed, taking a step back, finally giving you enough space for your brain to de-fog from the scent of his cologne, so familiar and so incredibly him. 

“alright, hotshot, i’ll-“ 

“sukuna!” a shrill squeal managed to permeate through the rap song that was blaring through the speakers, your eyes widening and mouth twisting as a leggy blonde practically pounced on sukuna. her hands went around his neck, glittery chest plastered against his and her swollen lips pressed against his own. 

you merely grimaced in disgust, sipping your drink as you looked away from the horror scene before you. 

the smell of her cherry scented perfume and underlying smell of sweat from, no doubt, her incessant dancing permeated the air. 

you held back a gag. 

you couldn’t help but glance up at sukuna who stood dormant, lips unmoving and eyes still open before his hands gripped the girls’ shoulders, effectively pushing her back. 

“missed you, baby!” the woman slurred and the look on your face could have had sukuna’s head tilted back in laughter if not for his current state of disgust. 

“ugh, hell off of me.” he wiped his hands on his shirt, face twisted in disapproval as he used his shirt to wipe his lips. 

the blonde pouted, eyeing sukuna wearily as if trying to solve an equation. 

don’t hurt yourself, now. 

you thought to yourself, placing your cup on the counter, stomach twisted in a knot that wouldn’t allow you to consume any more. 

“what’s wrong? why do y’seem so off?” she asked, taking a step closer, “y’were fine last night.” 

and there it was. your cue to leave. 

“i don’t give a fuck, last night is last night, y’think you can-“ he stopped as he watched you get off the stool and basically running back to your friends, groaning in annoyance, “don’t fuckin’ touch me again.” 

the girl argued and sukuna, almost bored to tears at her whiny voice, simply watched your retreating figure. 

sukuna liked women. he liked to fuck. 

he loved to fuck. 

he’s been consistently sleeping with women since his freshman year of college and he was good. 

he also had a routine of some sort. 

it always started with their usual alpha phi parties, sorority girls littering the place, so easy and so extremely willing. 

it was easy and it was good.

but he was quick to find out that it was only easy when you weren’t around. 

and he didn’t just mean physically but mentally, as well. if you weren’t in the building, it was completely fine and sukuna could go through as many girls as he wanted, whomever he wanted. 

and you never attended these things, so that was never an issue. 

the issue was the thought of you. 

nothing could get his dick soft faster than thinking of you in the presence of another girl. 

the first time it happened was the end of freshman year and sukuna remembered thinking his dick was broken. 

he was inside this redhead, incredibly hard and turned on but then she called him kuna. 

and then he thought of you. because you called him kuna. kuna, ryo. 

it was a fleeting thought until it wasn’t. 

until images of you, your wide eyed gaze, your impossibly pretty face, your dimpled smile and your soft perfume and then suddenly it was all wrong. 

the redhead’s smelled of artificial vanilla, a scent you openly despised. her hair was all wrong, her lips thinner than yours, eyes too blue. 

and it was all wrong. 

he remembered pulling out with a grunt, ignoring her panicked face as he told her not to ever call him that before making her get dressed and leave. 

it was all wrong. 

that’s where rumors about sukuna having “rules” for girls to be able to sleep with him arose. 

and the number one rule was; don’t call him anything but sukuna. 

so it turns out, he wasn’t broken. it was simply your fault. 

he could sleep with anyone his heart desired, as long as you weren’t there. not in his vicinity or in his mind. a humbling revelation. 

“where’s our vice president?” satoru grinned amusedly as you made your way back to the living room. 

you rolled your eyes with a huff, seating yourself beside utahime and shoko, both watching you as you grimaced slightly. 

“swallowing a blonde.” 

the boys barely flinched, humming in understanding, knowing sukuna well enough to know he probably had a line of girls hoping to have their chance to share a bed with him tonight. 

but shoko groaned loudly, shaking her head drunkenly. 

“ugh, i don’t get you guys!” she slurred, head lolling to rest on her shoulder, your brows furrowed in both confusion and concern as you listened, “why would he want anyone else when you’re right here! and you smell so nice! and you’re so soft.”

you sighed softly, shaking your head as you helped her situate herself on the couch. 

she was clearly delirious. 

“ew, shoko, sukuna and i are just friends.” you stated lowly, a bitter taste in your mouth as the words exited past your lips and into the open. 

words no one around you believed but no one denied. not satoru, not choso, not you or sukuna. 

☾

the faint sounds of cars passing and teens yelling permeated through your slightly ajar window. 

your cheek was soft against the butter yellow throw blanket on your bed, a soft sigh leaving your lips. 

the argument with sukuna from four days ago still fresh on your mind, residual anger and simultaneous regret settled in your chest. 

were you too harsh on him? too mean? 

you always yelled at him and he never actually took it to heart! 

“stay the hell away from me!” 

the memory of your words flashed and your eyes fluttered shut, an ache deep in your gut. 

in your defense, you didn’t think he’d actually listen. sukuna never listened to you. 

and maybe that was the problem. 

with a frustrated groan, you turned to lay on your back, eyes trained on the ceiling. 

should you call him? text? 

no. he’s in the wrong. he’s the one who keeps threatening any guy that comes near you. 

he’s basically placed a dating ban over you!

your eyes fluttered shut once again, the time nearing midnight and you still couldn’t sleep. 

“fuck…” it was a mutter of defeat that left your raw-bitten lips, knowing that if you didn’t resolve this with sukuna soon, you’d have plenty of sleepless nights. 

“you better be dreamin’ of me, talking like that.” 

you jolted up in your bed, a shriek leaving your lips as your hand flew to your chest as you gasped. 

the sight of your friend, salmon hair all askew and a darkness under his eyes that wasn’t there before, had your heart jolting in place. and not entirely because of the scare. 

“ryo! holy shit, i almost pissed my pants!” 

sukuna merely chuckled, taking a seat on the end of your bed but there was a heaviness in his laugh. an unspoken weight. 

“yeah, i’d pay to see that.” he muttered with a small smirk that didn’t meet his eyes, your heartbeat finally slowing as you scooted onto your knees, shuffling just a bit forward. 

you resembled a kid, all quiet and wide eyed as your hands fiddled in your lap, looking at him with trepidation dancing in your gaze. 

you glanced at the window that was now fully open, knowing he climbed in through the fire escape which he often did. 

“it’s been four days.” it was in a soft, almost an inaudible whisper with which the sentence left your mouth. but sukuna heard it. he always heard you. 

because despite what you may think, you were the only person he actually listened to. 

“miss me, brat?” he smirked, gaze finally meeting yours but you didn’t entertain his humor, head tilting expectantly, “you told me to leave you alone, didn’t you? can’t get pissed at me for listenin’.” 

a pang of guilt hit you square in the chest, gulping softly as you tried to organize your thoughts and formulate your words which was hard with his eyes never leaving yours. 

“you made me mad.” you started, eyes finally meeting his as you scooted even closer to his body, adorned in a dark hoodie and sweats. his eyes followed your every move. “i didn’t mean for you to actually leave me alone. i was just upset and-and you’re my-“ his jaw clenched, breath baited as you paused, eyes impossibly soft and your chest rising and falling with effort, “you’re my best friend, ryo. you…you mean…something to me.” 

the words left your mouth almost painfully, as if your body knew you were spewing lies and was trying to save you from inevitable pain. 

sukuna visibly deflated before tensing once again, eyes sharp as he studied your face. 

“i’m sorry about what happened. not for scarin’ that guy away, that pussy deserved it,” you cracked a small smile as you waited for him to continue, “but i’m sorry for makin’ you feel like no one wanted you. that’s not true, brat, you know that, right?” 

a small pout painted your lips as you scooted even closer, knees brushing against his thighs. 

“i guess…” you whispered, soft and low, eyes busy studying him with vigor. his big hands, soft hair and eyes trained on you. you. you. 

his fists were clenched by his sides, eyes roaming over your figure clad in some too short pyjama shorts and a shirt- his shirt. 

fuck, you never make it easy. 

because to be completely honest, he’s been absolutely insufferable for 4 days. 

snapping at his teammates, pushing girls off him like flies and a scowl permanently etched onto his face. because of you. 

because the thought of you wanting nothing to do with him scared him beyond relief. and sukuna was never scared. 

he’s surprised he’s lasted this long trying to give you your space, but truthfully, it was the fear of rejection that kept him away. the fear that you’d truly meant those words and wanted him gone. 

his dark eyes met your own wide ones and his heart stuttered. 

“i missed you, brat.” 

a smile, so gentle and soft, tugged at the edge of your lips as you maneuvered your legs to cross, hands gently falling to your lap. 

“hmm, i bet.” the teasing lilt in your voice punctured through the underlying tension and finally, the air felt lighter, “you cry yourself to sleep every night, kuna?”

sukuna rolled his eyes, standing up to yank his hoodie off, leaving him in a tight white shirt. 

“tsk, you wish.” he grumbled before climbing into your plush bed, cream sheets soft and smelling exactly like you. you. you. 

his head plopped down onto the pillow, you quickly following and falling in place beside him, head against his forearm but a respectable amount of space between you both. always. 

his gaze gently fell onto you; his oldest friend. 

his eyes travelled over your figure, now cocooned in your place in bed, sheets to your neck and pretty eyes fluttering closed. 

he wondered if you slept at all. he didn’t. 

“tired?” he whispered gently, thumb by your head, moving to paint gentle strokes on your temple to your hair, slow and soft. 

sukuna was never slow and soft, he hated the shit you subjected him to be!

“mmm,” you hummed gently, sleep just a few seconds away, “missed you, ryo…”

his jaw, heart and hands clenched in unison. 

sukuna didn’t even have a word for the feeling beneath his chest, the sight of you always rendering him useless. 

your soft breaths filled the space in your room, so familiar and achingly you. 

he didn’t sleep a wink that night either, eyes transfixed on you and mind racing. 

you slept soundly and he didn’t. 

and that was always the difference between you two. you dreamed and he remembered.  ☾