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im sorry for the concern my previous posts caused. i feel bad about causing unnecessary worry but im too ashamed to reply or answer anyone. im not fine but im still here

26 years is enough please everyone says its too young but it was already enough after 10 15 18 22 25 its been more than enough iv been trapped inside myself for nearly 3 decades its enough please i dont want to keep doing this i dont want to go back being trapped in a ward or a hospital or a house i spent all my life trying to escape cages that caged my cage like a fucking matryshoka of misery i know its selfish to ask someone not to giv a fuck about me to help but i cant think of anything else i cant do anything but cry and beg anyomore i know its fucking pathetic but please everything hurts i feel like im drowning in open air i just want to be free i just want it to stop hurting

every day i wake up and feel like im dying i stay awake wishing it would end yet every night i cant ever make myself fall sleep fast enough i do as much unconscious as when im awake i cant escape i cant do anything i dont know why im so desperate to be asleep when theres no reprieve in my dreams i cry more frequently than i eat i cant breath without a semblance of pain i know isnt real i want to leave but i cant let go im ungrateful for all the love that sustains me simultaneously more than i can do with yet feels like its not enough to make me stay but here i still am why how many more meds do i need to cycle through how many more failed and canceled sessions how many more reassurances of love and support that ill fail to honor how many more prayers made to an empty sky i still beg from how many more responsibilities foisted onto others while i become more and more of a gaping hole of nothing never ending how many more days how many more months how many more years how much longer until they cant remember why theyv thrown all their love into me in the first place i cant remember who i was before this i cant remember if this was all i ever was im sick of feeling this im sick of thinking this im sick of talking about this im sick i cant do anything else im trying im trying it doesnt matter enough im trying its not working im not trying fast enough i cant get up i know i can why cant i do it why cant i matter enough to myself im trying i cant care anymore im tired of hurting so much over a life that doesnt matter to me someone something please giv me the strength to get up and leave i cant keep going i cant keep staying i cant keep caring somebody eelse please im sorry its not working i dont want my loved ones to keep trying with me when i cant try at all im sorry im not a good enough person to be better someone else who doesnt care about me pleasae giv me anything to make it stop i dont want to be trapped inside myself anymore