look alive!

I’m starting a gofundme to get a mojito

Indigenous peoples of the great plains should've never told white people about tornadoes. "I don't know man that shit never happened before you showed up"

when you think about it, unleashing a plague of frogs is fucking hilarious

My fucking damn daniel machine broke down last night and i dont have enough credits to get it fixed until next month

was waiting for the elevator in the middle of taking out all the trash and a resident came out of her apartment like OH GOOD! maybe i can show you this weird bug that was in my BEDROOM! so i follow her and she gets out a magnifying glass and shows me a dead pillbug on a napkin. im like thats incredible ma'am thank you for letting me use the magnifying glass. she says "i told my creepy kids about the bug and they didn't even call me!" and this sentence is tunneling into my brain so bad theres a physical pressure