call me Lou

February 2016

Hockey parties after parties were always an informal, messy thing. Players shouting, chugging too much beer at once–Natalie had seen it all in the past years. But that night was different, and she was glad. For the All Star’s after party, the hosting magnate had imposed a strict Black-Tie dress-code, that sat well with the elegant atmosphere of the rooftop overlooking the concrete jungle. Broad shoulders fit into carefully tailored suits, and shiny dresses glittering at their sides. 

Natalie remembered what the old, elegant man welcoming everyone had told her when she’d thanked him for the invitation. He’d smiled a polite, wrinkled smile, giving Kasey a shoulder pat after shaking their hands.

Everyone who is someone in hockey is at this party, my dear.

She’d linked her arm with Kasey’s. He must be doing something right, then.

A few players had approached them, tilting their glasses together and chatting. The shyness was slow to leave Kasey’s smile though, and Natalie held onto his arm as if to steady him. It was his first convocation at All Stars, and it had seen plenty of tensed muscles. 

Most of the people eventually headed out to the open part of the roof, where strings of warm lights mixed with the colourful glow of the city and dark bushes assured privacy. They still hadn’t been. Natalie knew Kasey was waiting—well, they were both waiting for him to arrive.

They enjoyed the night. Natalie led them to the dance floor, where they swayed to the slow jazz of the band, smiles close to each other. She loved the way his smile dimpled as he looked down at her.

“You don’t usually dance this much, Mister Winter,” Natalie said as the fourth piece started.

Kasey simply smiled, making her do a spin. “You simply look too good for me not to, Miss Darcy.”

Natalie giggled, without shaking her head at the compliment, as she would have done years ago. Her ivory dress was a soft, elegant embrace around her body, and the earrings were one of the very first gifts Kasey had bought her with his NHL paychecks. She felt great that night.

She let Kasey pull her close, tilting her face up to meet his lips halfway.

“We’re the hot couple here,” she informed him, placing a hand on his chest and flattening a crease there. Night blue suit and hair brushed back, away from his face. Kasey always had something regal about his attire. He blushed every time she said it.

“You do know that Fleury and his wife are just outside on the balcony, don’t you?” he grinned.                                 

She laughed. “You’ll have to update me on the All Star’s ass situation now that you’ve seen them in the locker room.”

She took in Kasey’s blush with pleasure. “Well,” he whispered, looking around, “We weren’t wrong about some.”

-

Natalie knew the moment Alexander O’Hara walked into the room without having to turn around. Looking at Kasey’s face was enough. The way his smile grew and opened was rare among that many people–Alex was one of the few who could make it happen.

She turned anyway, and found she could do nothing about the warm feeling that invaded her chest.

Alex O’Hara was a sight to behold. She’d always thought so, even before complicated emotions got in the way,  and the feeling skyrocketed at the sight. The perfectly tailored black tuxedo, crashing with the mess of red wisps, was enough for her to feel her own smile grow. Freckles wrinkled in a smile as he shook hands left and right, charisma flowing out of him in a natural stream. Natalie guessed that everyone felt special when Alex O’Hara’s attention was on them, but she couldn’t help it. When he spotted them, she felt like they were more special than everyone else on the roof.

Kasey’s hand stilled on her shoulder for a second, a firm and gentle grasp. Then he was stepping forward, and crashing in an embrace with the redhead. The way they hugged was like a well-practice dance, or an action on the ice. Alex always got on his toes to reach Kasey, and always let the blond place his arms around his neck. And no matter how many times Natalie had seen them hug, the way Kasey’s back relaxed at the contact would always melt her.

“Kasey Winter,” Alex announced once they parted, jostling the goalie’s shoulder a few times. Then his eyes fell on her, and his grin grew impossibly more. “And Natalie Darcy.”

She felt her cheeks hurt from the smile.

The next second, she was engulfed in a hug of their own, her feet leaving the ground for a second as Alex’s delighted laugh rumbled against her shoulder. Her arms held on as tight as she could for what was only a hug with her boyfriend’s ex-teammate.

-

“Fancy seeing you out of your goalie cage.”

“Fancy seeing you out of the penalty box.”

“Walked all the way over here, Alexander?”

“Is that even a question, Natalia?”

“Not really, as you’re late.”

Natalie let herself relax into the comfort of their own little bubble. God, how she’d missed this.

-

Kasey got them drinks. Alex challenged Natalie to a jazz dance battle. Kasey and Natalie posed for pictures as Alex frowned in focus. Kasey and Alex told Natalie stories of their past roadies and wild nights out until she spilled her drink.

Kasey and Alex.

Nat and Kasey.

Alex and Nat.

KaseyandAlexandNatandKaseyandNatandKaseyandAlex-

 -

“You can’t tell me you’re not cold in just that.”

Natalie turned from where she was looking at the tiny, busy streets at the edge of the balcony. Alexander was there, a hand stuffed in his pocket, another holding a glass of whiskey, head slightly tilted to the side. The lifted corner of his mouth had the same, dim glow of the string lights above their heads.

He stopped at her side, joining her silent watch for a few minutes. Mesmerising neon and a hundred horns and messy lines of cars. The circular motions of the glass in Alexander’s hand. The cold rail against her bare forearms.

It was getting late, and the cold February temperatures had pushed everyone back inside. The band was still playing some slow songs, and the air had shifted from electric to relaxed.

“There aren’t this many skyscrapers in Gryffindor,” Natalie heard herself say after a while. “It’s not bad. Just different.”

Alex nodded.

He’d visited. Gryffindor was familiar now. But it had also meant trade, goodbyes, and things they’d slowly let go of as they built a new life. She’d never forget those first days, before she could join Kasey, in which he wouldn’t talk or answer his phone much. She always felt like she should put a good word on Gryffindor with Alex. There had been a long period of radio silence after Kasey’s trade.

A finger poked her arm slightly, distracting her from her thoughts..

“Yep,” Alex said, “You’re freezing.”

Natalie looked up at him.

There were some things Natalie would one day say she’d change about that moment. At the same time, she never wanted it to end.

When she realised she’d been staring at his lips for a while, she turned to the city again, shrugging.

“Well, it is February, Alexander. But I don’t feel cold.”

“Hmm. Wonder if those four cocktails have anything to do with it.”

“Maybe it’s just my strong constitution.”

“The cold never bothered you anyway.”

They stared at each other unimpressed for a moment before breaking into giggles together. Natalie leaned in a little, and their shoulders touched. Oh, his jacket was warm.

She pressed herself more against him. She liked that warmth. She’d missed it.

An arm circled her shoulders, moving up and down for some friction. The other brought the glass to her hands.

“Have some. It’ll warm you up.”

That, Natalie thought as she relaxed more into Alex, she would never change about that night.

The whiskey burned down her throat, and maybe her heart pounding in her ears had to do with that.

Alex seemed to become very aware of their position as well. She felt him look up, then to the side, then down to the tiny cars again. His hair brushed against her cheek in a light tingle.

She wondered where—

“Kasey’s inside.”

Oh.

“His captain finally made it to the party. Really serious, that Black.”

Natalie groaned. “Oh God, you did not.”

“I’m afraid I just did,” Alex sighed. He looked in the distance. “That boy just needs to grow into his gear. Like Kasey did.”

Natalie nodded. She pressed imperceptibly more into Alex’s grip.

“Kasey’s alright,” she said softly.

Alex’s nose was against her hair, and his chest close to her shoulder. So, she didn’t miss the way his breath hitched a little. Then, a gentle inhale. A nod.

“I know. I know he is.”

Silence lasts longer that time, so long that she began to worry she’d said the wrong thing. She parted from him enough to look up. But his expression was peaceful, a small smile glowing with the rest of the city. His eyes, half hidden by the messy hair, dropped on her lips.

“I know he is,” he repeated, almost in a whisper. “He’s with you.”

Natalie felt on fire. 

She looked at him, looked for him, for any hint or suggestion of what was going to happen next. It’s like they already knew, though, as they’d always both known, and arrived at the edge of the cliff just then. Natalie felt her eyes widen, her breathing stopping. Alex was a solid, warm force against her. Keeping her close and warm. But at the same time, like he couldn’t help it, letting himself be at her mercy.

They stilled in that moment, studying each other’s face for any sign of false alarm or joke intentions. But Alex wasn’t backing down or downplaying it. He showed his cards. It was Natalie’s turn to find that courage in herself. Her hands were itching and her head felt light. Is this really happening, echoed in her mind.

She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before managing a few words out. Delicate and vulnerable. 

“You’re in love with my boyfriend, Alexander.”

“Yes.”

“You need a haircut.”

“Yes.”

Her breath faltered. “You’re in love with me.”

“Yes.”

Oh.

His voice was even, like he didn't have much of a fight left inside him. A criminal finally confessing his crime after a night of interrogations.

Natalie looked at him with half-parted lips, speechless with the confirmation of what had navigated in her mind for far too long. Alexander remained silent and still, probably waiting for a reaction on her part –well, he’d just spilled his heart out to her. His eyes were big and vulnerable, without any grin or funny face to shield himself.

She had no words, and too many at once. She’d prayed for this moment to come with a mix of hope and guilt that had left her feeling like a sinner heading to confession..

She didn’t know what to say, but she knew what she felt—God, what Kasey felt, what they both felt for Alexander. And he feels the same way. What she’d feared the distance would erase had only made it clearer. And he feels the same way. She smiled hard, and started nodding, looking for his eyes. 

Alex looked up at her in surprise, eyes big and brows up. He nodded back once, a timid question, a confirmation that exposing his heart hadn’t been in vain.

Natalie kept nodding, her smile grew, and had to grasp his forearm. She opened her mouth, ready to let it all out.

 I’m so happy. I’ve wished for this moment for so long. Kasey loves you, too.We talk about you every day. I think I love you, too, or I will, soon, it’s inevitable—

The notes of Bad Romance filling the air were the comedic prelude of the tragedy.

Natalie didn’t have to look down at where Alex’s phone was vibrating in his pocket and turning on with an upcoming call. That song had been his ringtone ever since they’d met, born as a lost bet against his brother and then stuck because he “actually didn’t mind it”.

Lady Gaga screamed in between them, but the silence was still deafening, toning the moment down, bringing them back to earth, to an open roof in New York City. Alex closed his eyes in a flinch, probably half cursing himself, half pretending his phone wasn’t ringing.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking embarrassed and lost at the same time. He let it ring for a while, hoping whoever was calling would give up, but in the end he had to reach for the phone. His eyes as he took it in hand were almost outraged. Natalie could have sworn they were once again thinking the same thing—throwing the damn phone over the balcony. The cold light of the screen made his frown glow. 

“Fuck, it’s my agent. He’s been trying to call me all day, it must be something—”

Natalie blinked, still dizzy from what the call had just interrupted. But the mortified expression on the redhead’s face made her reach out to his arm. She tried for a smile.

“Hey, of course, don’t worry. I’ll be here.”

Alex let out a sound of frustration, and he took his jacket off to place it on Natalie’s shoulder. Warm.

“Here, to keep you warm. I’m so sorry. Fuck. I’ll, I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t think that this call is more important than—”

Natalie smiled. “Go, Red.”

Alex sprinted a few steps away, before turning again. “I’m sorry, I feel like I’m fucking this up, I’ll try and—”

Natalie wanted to kiss him. “Alexander, I’m not leaving. Go.”

Alex nodded, and grinned over his shoulder when he turned again.  

“I’ll come get you, Natalia!”

Maybe she would. 

She smiled, shaking her head. With her gaze on Alex’s back, she tilted her head to inhale the cologne on his jacket.

 -

“Alex?”

“Hey Robert, hi. Sorry I haven’t replied, it was a crazy day…”

“Alex…”

“And now I’m having, ah, a moment, kind of an important talk…”

“Alex.”

“So, if I can call you back later, or tomorrow morning, that would be…”

“Alex.”

Alex stopped his pacing, eyes stilling on the skyline.

Robert stayed silent.

And that’s how he knew.

He looked at the silhouette of his city for a second more. Millions of lights and voices and dreams. Man, he loved his city. He…he would miss it. He silently thanked Rob for conceding him that second.

He inhaled, and it came out a little shaky. He turned to look at where Natalie was waiting for him. She was stunning, in her silk dress, looking like a muse, and wearing his jacket in a way that was just right and natural. She met his eyes and smiled.

It felt egoist, looking at her just to find the courage to force that single word out of his mouth.  

“Where?”

 -

Natalie looked at Alex as he paced fastly around the open roof, a hand pressing the phone to his ear . The little jump in his steps made her smile. 

Her fingers unconsciously went to brush her lips, where Alex’s intense gaze was still burning.

An involuntary smile crossed her face. They’d almost kissed. And Alex would come back, and they’d kiss for real this time, and they would find Kasey. They would turn this into something. God, the face Kase would make. The realisation hitting him and finally peace, release, the three of them, together—

Alex turned, and Natalie’s smile died the moment their eyes met.

Red eyes stared back at her for a long moment. The next, he was gone.

 -

Natalie was still staring at the wall Alex had disappeared behind when she felt a hand on her back.

“Nat, I was looking for you,” Kasey said, his smile on her. “What happened? Weren’t you with Alex, where…”

Natalie just stared at him, not sure what to say. Or where to start.

Kasey frowned, hand going to her cheek. Warm. “Nat. Baby, you okay?”

Natalie looked back at the wall. 

 -

It was Kasey who found him.

It was a dark, hidden  part of the terrace, with a few bushes left out of display..

He stopped in front of him, looking down at where Alexander was sitting on the small step before the balcony. Kasey said nothing for a while, waiting for him to lower the hands from his face. His phone was in between his feet. Kasey wanted to throw it away with all his force. But he stayed still.

He heard a harsh sob and had to look up at the sky so not to do the same.

He breathed in, bracing himself for the inevitable hit.

“Where?”

“Florida. Tampa Bay Lightning.”

It knocked Kasey out like a punch to his stomach. The air forced out of his lungs, the nausea. But the adrenaline that softened the hits on the ice, mentally if anything, was nowhere in sight. What had proceeded, and what followed, was the sensation of the floor crumpling under his feet.

He nodded a few times, mostly to himself. He was glad for the dark. He didn’t know what his face was doing, but it was out of his control.

“Fucking bouncy ice, eh?”

It came out too shaky to sound like a joke, but it made Alex look up at him. Kasey watched him pass a hand on his face to dry his cheeks.

He looked exhausted.

His mouth opened and closed a few times. Then he shook his head.

“Nat and I, we…”

“I know,” Kasey interrupted softly, because he knew that repeating it out loud would have killed them both. “She told me.” He almost whispered the words that followed. “I..I love that you two..were talking about it.”

You’re both braver than me, always have been, he couldn’t bring himself to add. Every word burnt too much, and he simply had to hope that Alex was reading his mind as he always did.

The redhead shook his head.

He opened and closed his mouth again, only for no sound to come out.

Kasey saw the monumental effort it took him to try for a smile. But it crumpled before reaching his face.

“I…I thought I finally had you. I…I feel so stupid now.” He sobbed, and Kasey looking down at him with wide eyes, was left with no air. “I feel so, so stupid.”

-

The party was over.

The terrace slowly emptied, and no chatter could be heard from inside. The three of them had been sitting on the cold steps for what felt like hours, staring at the wall in front of them without a word. That’s how Natalie had found them. Sitting next to each other, with dishevelled expressions and suits. She’d taken Alex’s other side, a hand immediately finding his back. A small kiss on his shoulder, Kasey’s hand finding hers for a second.

And now, elegant clothes on concrete, staring at a grey wall at a party, Natalie couldn’t help thinking how deeply unfair it was. How it should have gone entirely differently. Hell, how young they were.

In the back of her mind, the sparkle of hope that her talk with Alexander had ignited was slow to die. They could have been talking, a mile a minute, of their feelings, and all the times they’d wanted to kiss, and laugh in relief. Alex would have taken them on a walk around the city, smiling smitten and relaxed. Natalie had seen a glimpse of the euphoria that Alexander would have been wearing on his face for days and weeks, just before the phone rang. Nothing close to the thin line his lips were now. They could have spent the night together, unable to sleep, and they would have figured something out. New York and Gryffindor weren’t that far.

Tampa and Gryffindor…that was an entirely different story.

“It’s…” Kasey started after a while, voice too hoarse. Natalie could feel the tears at the back of his throat. “It’s not that…it could be worse—”

“Kase,” Alex sighed, a hand going to the blond’s shoulder. “Not now.”  

Kasey closed his eyes shut, nodding hard.

“There’ll be time for that,” Alex said softly. “Just not now.”

Kasey kept nodding vigorously. A harsh inhale took him by surprise, and a sob shook his shoulders. Natalie felt her heart break for the hundredth time that night. She itched to lower his head on her shoulder or take his hand in hers. Instead, she watched him bring them to cover his eyes, and finally let go in a way that Natalie had only seen once before. Not a silent, still tear crossing his face on its own, but a breathless, desperate cry for someone to tell him that it wasn’t really happening.

Alex pulled him close, leading Kasey’s head on his shoulder. His eyes were a vague, glassy stare at the wall in front of them. Puffy and red from crying, without any trace of the sparkle or warmth that Natalie had fallen for.  

She laced her arm with his. She wanted to lean against him like she had just an hour ago, and close her eyes, but she couldn’t. Alex was already holding Kasey, and she didn’t know how long he could resist before collapsing on the floor.

She pressed her cheek against his shoulder, a second too late to realise her melted makeup would stain his white shirt—it was cold, Alex was cold. She considered giving back his jacket but found that she couldn’t. Just like she couldn’t think of moving at all, or of the moment they’d have to part, each on their way, with Alex muttering  “I have to start packing.”

When would she smell his cologne again? The thought made her grip his arm tighter.

She couldn’t break the spell—no one could, no one wanted to. Life would continue as if three broken hearts weren’t holding each other as long as possible before miles would pour in between them. And all they’d be left with would be a sense of smallness, like dice scattered around a board game. It wasn’t bliss, what they had right there, but Natalie still would not dare to break it.

So, she pressed her check against a cold, stained shoulder, and let her own sobs mix with two different rhythms.

 -

When goodbyes eventually had to be said, words were nowhere to be found. Natalie made Alex promise he’d call once he was all settled in. And no one felt like it was right, but Alex’s jacket returned in a bundle to his hands.

They hugged. First Alex and Natalie, after sharing a long look and a small kiss on the cheek. Then she left them for a few minutes. It took Kasey just a glance to understand they were both thinking about last year. That single kiss at the airport. Long cries before and after. The feeling of the universe taking pleasure in bringing them close and then throwing them in opposite directions again. God, they’d worked hard to share friendly smiles again without the bitterness creeping in. Kasey shook his head to himself, almost surrendering to that destiny.

It took them a while to even look at each other. And, God, they’d cried that night, but Kasey felt the familiar burn build up behind his eyelids again. He tasted blood in his mouth for how long he’d been torturing the inside of his cheek.

“Hey.”

Alex was smiling. Eyes red, cheeks still wet. Hands stuffed in his pockets again. Kasey threw himself at him hard enough to feel the breath forced out of him. But less than a second later, arms were gripping back twice as strong.

Feeling each other’s raspy, destroyed sobs was a comfort and torture at the same time.

“’M getting snot on your shirt,” Kasey mumbled after their breaths calmed down.

Alex’s grip tightened. “’S okay. I have your snot and Nat’s mascara.”

“Please wash that shirt or throw it away.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

When they parted after one last squeeze, Kasey was able to smile back. Trembly, sad, but a start. They stood there, unable to move, until Alex’s hand unconsciously started dangling back and forth. His fingers caught Kasey’s in a soft hold.

But it lasted less than a second.

Kasey took a step back, as if burned, and stuffed his hands in his pockets like Alex always did. He broke his own heart the moment he did it. He watched Alex blush, eyes dropping to his feet, and nodding. Kasey cursed himself, and he didn’t need to go on with his life to know he’d continue to do so for many years.

Alex had to look away to manage a smile, and he tilted his head at him.

“See you on the ice, Blizzard.”

Before Kasey could say anything, he was gone.  

 -

Natalie needed to see him leave. Kasey couldn’t.

She turned to watch him leave the terrace. If she’d seen their interaction, she didn’t mention. Kasey squeezed his eyes shut, cursing himself, Alex O’Hara, hockey, and agent calls. He cursed Florida, airports, and himself again for not conceding to themselves the last act of grace Alex had been willing to give him before losing him for the second time.

Remus was…tired. So tired. He was sure he was still walking out of sheer reflexes by that point. One foot in front of the other. Again and again. The dull swinging back and forth made his dog tags bounce against his chest in an unnatural silence. Celeste had wrapped them in tape to reduce the noise—one of the few things that would have given them away even on a clear day.

At his side, Sirius, Jackson and Evgeni marched in silence. James had been kicked out of the mission team ever since Lily had shared the news.

At his side, Sirius hid a yawn. They were all exhausted and looking forward something that resembled a bed, all still shocked for what they had seen. For what they had done.

Must have done, Remus reminded himself. That’s how the world spins now.

No one blamed him, he knew that. But it didn’t really matter, as long as he blamed himself, did it?

The man hadn’t looked older than thirty.

He’d tried to ease the tension as he fought back pain. As Remus, syringe in hand, warned him for the tenth time about the risks. It was experimental, it might just have accelerated the process, it might have caused even more pain.

That’s where the smile of the man had sobered. He’d looked Remus in the eyes—big, brown eyes— and nodded. Listen, man, I’ll be dead in a few days anyway. If this can give you a small push in the right direction, it’s enough for me.

He’d looked down at the belts tying his legs and arms in case the virus decided to act too quickly. The bite by his neck hadn’t stopped bleeding, and it was too close to the brain for the spreading to proceed at a normal pace. The veins around the wound had been darkening, creating a small galaxy together with countless freckles and the three planets tattooed on is collarbones.

Just…just do what I asked you, yeah?

Remus patted the pocket of his vest, where an SD card was secured. All that was left of the man. He hadn’t wanted to tell him his name. Easier for both of them, he’d said. Remus had died to insist, but he couldn’t. The man was already doing so much, by simply letting Remus inject what was a first try of the cure, a draft and nothing more, in his failing body.

A small smile, and warm eyes.

Call me Mars.

The only thing Remus had caught was a last name, printed on a document he’d found on the floor, close to a wallet. It had only been a quick snoop, and had he lifted the dust covering the other half, he would have discovered the name, too. But a man’s dying wish was too sacred to ignore, and so he’d resisted.

There had been so many things lying messily next to the young man. That’s how he’d found him. Sat down against a wall, looking through his things, a soft smile and gun in between his crossed legs. One last look before losing control. Before the end.

Don’t worry. When I start to feel too happy, I’ll know it’s time.

A picture. It showed a younger, less haggard and pale version of the stranger, hugging a boy so similar in the smile, the hair, the eyes. A tissue with a pink lipstick print on it. A camera. A fading receipt from a luxury restaurant downtown Remus always passed on his way to lectures. A sticky note with a messy heart drawn on it.

They’d talked, for a while. The man had told him about his life from before. Engaged, a cat dad, had been on a surprise trip on Day Zero. Remus, in turn, had explained about the camp, the missions, and his mad research for a cure. The man had listened attentively, nodding as the veins in his arms began to darken and cramps jerked him more and more often.

Warm eyes had set on him with a firm, calm focus. This cure. Do you have it here with you?

Remus hadn’t even thought of proposing it. He knew it wouldn’t work, it was too soon, he didn’t have the necessary data, studies, experience. But what he did knowwas that there wouldn’t be any progress at all without testing it directly on infected individuals first.

Come on, Doc, he’d smiled. What’s the worst that could happen? I’m dying anyway.

Mars had been his patient zero. If his search for a cure was finally on phase one, that was thanks to him.

“You’re good, Doc.”

At the end of October, the air was no longer chilly or crispy. Remus could see his breath as he got his hoodie back on, and then his pants. Total body examination to everyone who entered the camp, that was the new rule. At his side, Sirius was buttoning his old flannel—his father’s, he’d said. Remus closed his eyes, hoping that the dark would come soon, so he could have had that body curled up around his own. To keep him warm, safe, and away from all the shit of the past few days.

“Merci, Talker,” Sirius nodded as Thomas gave the thumbs up for them to be let in. “So, anything new?”

Thomas walked with them as they crossed the camp, nodding to a new tent as he lit up a cigarette—probably stolen from Kasey. “Two new refugees arrived this morning.”

“City?”

“Yeah.”

“Had them tested and interrogated already?”

“Why no, I invited them in for tea and then decided they were cool enough to stay.” Sirius didn’t reply, and Thomas continued. “Both males, early twenties. One has a fever, but no signs of wounds or bites.”

“Thomas.”

“Three people checked him, Cap. If you want to be the fourth, feel welcome.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “But I think he could use your magic, Doc.”

Mars had been so pale. So, so pale. Feverish, sweating, with dark circles under his eyes.

He touched the tattoo on his forearm. I’ll have to get another cross added.

“Remus?” Thomas repeated.

So many crosses.

Remus nodded. “I’ll take a look.”

He felt Sirius’ hand on his shoulder. “You’ll have something warm to eat first.”

“Is the other boy okay?” Remus asked, pressing against Sirius’ hand.

Thomas shrugged. “Physically? Yes. Mentally? He’s a feral animal. Keeps getting out of the quarantine tent to ask around for this—"

Before Thomas could finish the sentence, Remus felt another grip on his arm—one that didn’t belong to Sirius. He turned, heard Sirius embracing his rifle, and all he saw for a second was green.

Wide, terrified, tired green eyes.

“Have you seen this boy?”

“Dear fucking God, Tremblay—”

“These are the ones who went to the city, yeah? I need to know—"

The boy in front of him shook Thomas’s hand off his shoulder, eyes darting from him to Sirius as he shoved a polaroid in their faces. Remus blinked, taking a step back. Maybe hallucinating. Fifty hours without sleep and with just a bunch of granola bars in him—it made sense he was seeing things.

Sirius and Thomas were both arguing with the newcomer, explaining camp rules in what, judging by Thomas’s voice, seemed to be a repeated conversation. But the boy, while shorter than them by several inches, seemed determined, and cursed back in French. He moved past them to reach Remus, and pushed the picture in his hands.

“Finn O’Hara, 6 feet tall. Redhead, freckles, maybe glasses? Any other refugee from the city who looks like him?”

Thomas groaned, taking him by the back of the collar of his Nasa t-shirt. “Tremblay, enough. We took you and your friend in, we’ve shared our supplies with you, I’ve been more patient than a saint. But I will throw you out if you don’t stop jumping on people. Now go.”

Tremblay took a step back, looking at the ground. He nodded.

But Remus shook his head.

“Wait. Wait, let me see that picture again.”

He rubbed his eyes four times.

He looked at it in different lights.

But it was like seeing a ghost.

Remus stared at the name behind the picture. Finn O’Hara. 25, 6 ft, blood type 0+. Freckles, birthmark on hip, silver necklace.

Without realizing it, his fingers were creasing the polaroid. A weight crushed his chest.

Mars?

His eyes made a monumental effort to find Sirius’. Words wouldn’t come to him. He clenched the picture.

“Wait, you’ve—you’ve seen him,” Tremblay semi-screamed, pointing a finger at him. “Tell me everything, now—”

Remus stared at him, then at Sirius again. He handed him the picture. Sirius paled.

“Oh.”

Tremblay looked in between them furiously. “Oh what? Qu’est-ce qu’il se passe, alors ? Is he in the city?”

Remus bit his lip. What were the chances?

Sirius cleared his throat, placing a hand on the newcomer’s arm. “Mon ami, je suis desolé…”

“Non!”

Tremblay took a step back, as if burned by Sirius’ words. “No! I say no!”

Remus closed his eyes as Sirius quietly explained something in French. He heard a thump to the ground, and an inhumane scream of pain. Tremblay screamed the boy’s name, and implored, denied, hurt, in different languages.

All Remus could see of was the still body in front of him after the loud shot. He’d—he’d had to stay even after. To take notes of the cure’s post-mortem effects. Deafening silence, red against white, life and then emptiness.

People around them began to approach Tremblay, kneeled on the ground with a mortified Sirius.

Remus just stood there, petrified by guilt. The red of Mars’ blood had been different from the one of his hair, it wasn’t right…and someone had been looking for him the whole time…oh God, the engagement…and they’d been so close. So close to seeing each other again, for one last goodbye.

Oh God, what have we done?

Remus was sure he was going to be sick when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It took a while, but then a familiar face appeared among the fog.

“Doc? Remus, you okay?”

Kasey’s worried eyes were on him. “Hey, hey, what happened? What’s going on?”

Natalie appeared next. Her huge headphones were still around her neck—they must have heard them from the radio station. She brought a cool hand to his cheek. “Loops, it’s okay. Breathe.”

But all he could see was Mars.

Remus was now sitting down with a bowl of warm soup in his hands. Tremblay had a blanket around his shoulders, and was staring into the void. He hadn’t spoken a word since the news—maybe out of voice. Their friends had formed a circle around the fire—it was getting dark, and cold. Natalie was circling his back. She hadn’t brought her guitar to the fire like any other night. Everyone was still shaken by the events of that day.

Sirius was explaining what they’d seen during the mission. How they’d found the man in an abandoned building, the bite on his neck, how he’d asked to be injected. The gunshot that had followed. Remus still had the SD card in his pocket—Mars’ legacy. Watch it once you’re back at your camp, I explain everything in the video in here.

“And he didn’t tell you his name?” James asked.

Remus shook his head. “No names. He just told us to call him Mars.”

Remus felt the hand on his back still the same moment Kasey chocked on his soup. His eyes darted on him like his rifle on zombies approaching the camp.

“Mars?”

At Remus’ side, Natalie whispered a what.

Kasey cleared his throat, blindly reaching for his pack of cigarettes. “Doc, did, huh—did this Mars have any tattoos?”

Before Remus could answer, he felt Natalie’s breathing hitch. “Kase, sit down.”

Remus nodded a few times. “Yeah. Something on the collarbone, I think. Close to the bite. Planets or something.”

Kasey got up, letting the full bowl fall to the ground. “Mars as in Mars, Saturn and Venus? Was that the tattoo?”

Natalie’s eyes widened as she also stood up, gripping Kasey’s arm tight. Too tight. She shook her head. “Kase, no. It’s not him. Leave it.”

Kasey ignored her. He took his knife from its case on the belt, and tore his pants across his thigh, revealing a tattoo—the exact same tattoo. Three planets lined up, only one of them in colored ink. For Kasey, it was Saturn, a blue sphere and ring in the middle. Remus now remembered the red on Mars’ collarbone.

Sirius gasped.

Kasey stood still, taking in their silence and what it meant. Remus could only nod, his head beginning to spin again.

“Finn doesn’t have a tattoo.”

They all turned to look at Tremblay, voice hoarse and eyes still pointed to the fire.

“Alex does,” Kasey said.

Natalie’s head snapped on him again, eyes red. Her hand was now clenching her own shoulder—it was covered, but…

 “Kasey, stop it. He was in Florida, Florida-”

“Then why can’t you reach him in any way? Phone, radio, GPS?”

Natalie flinched, apparently hit on her weak spot.

He gently took her face in between his hands, and Remus saw that he’d started crying. “The anniversary was in two days. Two days after Day Zero.”

“Kase, no. No, please, no. Don’t say that.”

Kasey’s shoulders were now trembling. He touched their foreheads together. “You know he’d try to be there, Nat. You know that. He loves making surprises.”

“Kasey, stop!”

More cries filled the night sky, as Kasey hugged Natalie and Natalie gripped his aviator jacket and screamed. Remus turned to look at Sirius, who was covering his face with a hand, and then at the newcomer, now looking around in a confused and hurt sense of hope.

Remus looked up at the stars, trying to breathe and understand.

In the distance, the red planet shone silently.

A few days later

Remus looked at the radio tent, where one of the few functioning computers in the whole camp was set. Where Kasey and Natalie were. Remus had given them the SD card received by Alexander O’Hara—he had a name, now. His—or better, humanity’s Patient Zero finally had a name, and a face from pictures that weren’t as pale or in pain as when Remus had met him. He’d heard the beginning of the video Mars had recorded for his people.

Hello, there. If someone’s watching this, well shucks, I’m not around anymore. This video is addressed to my brother, Finn O’Hara, and my fiancés, Kasey Winter and Natalie Darcy, all from New York City. Please let this end in their hands. Er, I’ll start with Kase and Nat. Hey babes, it’s okay. I promise it’s okay. I hope you’re together, wherever you are…

Remus had left the rest to them.

Logan was doing better. The initial shock had traumatized him, but he kept himself busy with helping the boy he’d arrived with, Leo.

Remus had started studying every data he’s recorded from a few days ago. Another mission was scheduled for the next day to retrieve the body—he could pretend it was for the experiment, but everyone had another goal in mind. A proper burial. A funeral.

Sirius, wonderful, strong Sirius, was keeping him on his feet. He would make sure Remus was eating and sleeping, and in that, nothing had changed. The world’s timeline was now divided in Before and After Day Zero; but when it came to Sirius, his constant, Remus could pretend there was no before, and no after. Just them.