it’s been a minute. but tumblr helps me in my darkest times.
i’ve come to the realization i’ve been in the most abusive relationship. admittedly i don’t know how to stop loving him. today a good friend helped me realize it’s because i’m trying to make up for the love i never got. from past loves who have betrayed me by being cheating ass mfs. me blaming myself for it. my parents never being able to show love. not just to us but to each other. one of my best friends who was the mf that he cheated on me with. me still blaming myself. being friends with people who actually hated me for living a ‘perfect’ life not even knowing half the shit i went through. yeah, it’s made me heartless but it’s also made me love too hard. too much that i stay. i know i need to leave. and life has a funny way of telling me to leave when i have nothing left. i left what i called home for 20 years with $30 in my pocket and a bag full of clothes to LA. i frequent home in pockets of time because it hurts. it hurts to be around the same people that call you crazy and now i love someone who is doing the same. but what has changed really? because i still love all the friends i’ve made in my life. even the ones i never talk to. even the ones that hurt me. even the ones i push away because i can’t be myself around.
you know, when i finally stood my ground for myself, when i finally spoke up, i was told i was crazy. i was crazy for standing up to my own abuse by other people. and i’m here on tumblr again today because it’s the only place i don’t feel judged or crazy.
someday i hope to find a love that reciprocates. until then i will be that love even if it hurts me. to all my friends i’ve loved before. i still do. i never stopped. no matter how far i have pushed y’all away. i hope someday y’all read this and just believe me. cause there’s no other way i can be honest except for just saying it, even knowing i may always be judged for it.
