#youarenotcrazy

I will, throughout my writing, try to keep my language as clean as possible but do not expect a rose tinted, rainbow and kitten encrusted outlook on how things are...It’s just not going to happen. 

Being a noob, as the kids call it, at this whole blog thing I looked up blog prompts for chronic illnesses. Number 1 on the list was “write a letter to your pain”

uh huh. Well with time and a little exploration that may come later on but at the moment I want to document as best I can what actually has taken me to this point where I feel the need to talk about the issues surrounding chronic illnesses and mental health. Fun huh? 

Oh! Before I start, an update on last nights adventures with the teeth and pains. I ended up collapsing on my sofa at around 4am with my body pillow folded over to create a mountain to sprawl on and my hooded jacket on for warmth on top of the heating I finally decided to put back on. This visual delight was after a long haul of microwave bean bags on my jawline, paracetamols, hot chocolates, whole cloves stuffed next to my gums (and when that seemed insufficient, ground cloves rubbed into my gums), raising, stretching and pounding of the legs that would just not give up and when that didn’t work, several trips walking around the ground floor of my little cottage with my eyes practically closed bumping into furniture and I still managed to wake up about half 7 to scramble into some clothes, hitch a lift into college and finish my ceramics class! Boom! Mic drop lol. 

Also a good trick for anyone with gum or toothache, Sensodyne toothpaste...not just for brushing my friend! Rub some directly onto the area that hurts and it doesn’t completely go away but definitely takes the edge off. Safe to say I will making good use of Boots special offer of 2 for £7 at the moment. 

Anyway, returning to the subject at hand. The title of this post can potentially be self explanatory, but if not here’s the deal. Yes, I spent 13 years of my life undiagnosed and unaware of my fibromyalgia condition. 13 YEARS PEOPLE!! 

Reflecting back, my Drs and I feel that it probably started due to the trauma my body went through when I was pregnant and then the subsequent birth. No I’m not going to tell you how old I was but I was quite young. My body had already gone through some trauma however only around a year and half beforehand when I came down with Meningococcal Septicaemia, another one of my magical medical moments lol. About two thirds of the way through the pregnancy I started getting pain in the pelvic area and was finding it harder and harder to walk. Basically my bundle of joy had decided to press down on my pelvis which then subsequently snapped in affect and gave me the delight of continuing my pregnancy with Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction. I’d like to point at this point, I was a single mum to be living at home with mum and dad and my sister was my planned birthing partner. Hubby didn’t come into the equation until a month after the birth when he gallantly fell for me and took on my child as his own, and has ever since. 

My pelvis reattached itself as it does with SPD but I then started noticing maybe 6 months into motherhood that I was getting pains in my legs while walking. Initially I was putting it down to the extra weight put on with the pregnancy that just wasn’t shifting but eventually, no matter how much walking I did, things just weren’t getting any better so I went to the Drs who then referred me to get an x-ray (which also was the last time I remember having a period, but that’s another story for the PCOS posts) . Everything was normal. 

After that initial investigation most things are a blur as all I did was struggle on and on. We (hubby & I) were focusing on conceiving and with lack of periods etc nothing was happening and I went through countless blood tests and examinations and scans and consultations that I believe my brain has blanked most of it out. I do, however remember asking one of Drs whether or not they thought I was experiencing REALLY early menopause which was dismissed and which I’m still not convinced I wasn’t or am. 

But I digress...

Through the past 13 years I have jumped from job to job, being employed, being unemployed, trying to earn from home etc as I had no further education and no career path in front of me and with each job something would suddenly make it all intolerable and undoable and I’d be wiped out and looking for something easier. To me though, I just thought it was normal to feel like this after having a baby and being a mum, no one said any different. It wasn’t until I started noticing, around 2 years ago now, the cognitive deficiencies that comes with fibro that I was really starting to go mad and knew something wasn’t right. 

I wrote a list that was 2 columns, one A4 side of paper long of all symptoms and bodily functions that felt just were not right to my Dr, no joke and no I’m not a hypochondriac. More bloods were taken and surprise surprise, all normal. It wasn’t until i went to another Dr that things started to become clearer (and this is important, If you feel something just isn’t right and everything is coming back normal KEEP LOOKING FOR ANSWERS and definitely FIND THE RIGHT DR!! It makes all the difference). 

My mum had been researching to help me too and we were comparing conditions and ticking boxes on what all this could be and Fibromyalgia ticked them ALL!! I didn’t mention it to my new Dr and with a tearful explanation of what had been going on with my body and brain and one look at her screen with my medical history on it she said...”Have you ever heard of Fibromyalgia?” 

I’m not ashamed to tell you I burst into tears, flood gates were open and there was no turning back. My pains, my fears, my symptoms were finally being validated by a medical professional and I was NOT crazy!! 

Since then my condition has been verified by a rheumatology consultant and I’m now on medication to help me through it and I have finally embraced the fact that I cannot stand by a regular job, not one that requires physical activity anyway and with no non-physical skill sets, opportunities are not a knocking. 

So, here I am, returning to college to follow a creative dream of being my own boss as an artist, illustrator, animator and generally quirky in my own way. 

That’s it for today folks and remember these crucial points...

1. DO NOT DISMISS WHAT YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU

2. DON’T GIVE UP LOOKING FOR ANSWERS

3. KEEP CHANGING TILL YOU FIND THE RIGHT DR

4. DO NOT LISTEN TO SKEPTICS, THEY ARE NOT LIVING IT, YOU ARE