Untitled

Intro: the name is a reference to Hollowing as a sort of undeath/corruption. Think Hollow Knight or Dark Souls. Specifically, I am using it to mean a form of corruption where one's identity is destroyed. IRL this is in reference to things like using mirroring techniques to act "right", trying to say what people want to or expect to hear in conversation, and taking whatever role you're placed in and playing it until you aren't sure what bits are "you" anymore, if any. If you find yourself reaching in to see what you're like and your hand hits a hollow space where you should have been, you might be like me!

Fun character fact: the eyes are black in reference to the eyes being "windows to the soul". Being full of void, that's all the eyes show.

People need to quit exploring my house without my knowledge.

It is absolutely killing me that 3 separate people in the past like week and a half have gone into my house while I am not there and seen things they later publicly talk about, and which I did not want them to even see in the first place. I'm fairly over it.

I think I met TOMKAT.

They are a graffiti artist near me. I like their stuff mainly because just by seeing "TOMKAT" written somewhere, I see wherr they've been. I see a ghost of how they got there.

That's how I think I identified TOMKAT as a person right in front of me. I've seen their ghost. I know them by the traces they left behind. On the top of the tallest building in town, all over downtown in general, and along the bike trails, I see their name. So I know they're a person who's willing to take risks - to trespass onto the top of a tall building. I know they hang out downtown. And I figure they have a bike, and use it a decent amount.

Well, twice, downtown, I saw a person on a bike. Both times, they did a wheelie. The first time, they spoke to me - but I don't know what they said. The second time, at twilight, I followed behind them a ways, until our paths diverged. They barked back at dogs, they cut in front of cars. Wheelied. Risky things, but it worked out well.

A name is something people call you. Though we like to have names that we identify with, other people also like us to have names they identify with us. Maybe you look at someone and say, sure, you could be any standard male american name - a Charles or a Drew. And so if you say "You can call me Charles" people will. It's easy to remember a name that fits the person it describes.

But then, if that person said "My name is Alexios", people might start defaulting to Alex. Alexios doesn't fit, Alex is close, and does, so that's what people will remember. Even if you think Alexios fits better...maybe the reason it does, isn't something other people see.

I've always been weird with names. I have a few, and I feel no connection to any of them. I accept being called whatever people want to call me. My first real chosen name is Hollow - and some people use it, others don't, even in contexts where using those sorts of chosen names is standard. I wonder if people see why I chose it. I certainly think that whatever name I am given will describe the outside shell and not the inside, because what little exists on the inside to be described is so hidden, no one will ever see it.

Ultimately, though, a name is just a name. Maybe if people keep forgetting your chosen name, or using something else, consider something closer to the sort of thing people assume for you. If you like Alexios but not Alex, because Alexios seems ancient, try Leo or Orion, which have that ancient flavor but also ring modern enough to be closer to what people see when they look at you.

So I also do pay attention to how people smell. I don't lean in and smell people, but I do get curious, and if I catch a scent, I do pay attention. And smell plays a large social role for humans - mostly on a subconscious level, but we also sometimes note that it's happening. Smelling a sweater a loved one has worn, anything to do with body odor or cologne. Certain trades and hobbies can leave their mark - I know a guy who smells like engine oil. So it's not really that out of the ordinary to pay attention to someone's smell - everyone does it, to some degree.

Here comes the confession. Someone slept on a couch, and then left, and I had not been close enough to smell this person, so I was curious. And I thought, 'his scent is probably still there'. So um. I sniffed the couch. And it was.

But it's been so long now he feels like a friend

That friend lives inside me he goes where I go

And when I'm with him it's not bad to feel Hollow

Hollow brings me near to strangers

Helps me listen, dulls my anger

Comforts me, his voice so tender

Dulls my fear, that courage lender

Everything's safe when it's dull