JOHN MULANEY: I normally don’t notice people. I zone out constantly. Have you ever zoned out for a few minutes? I’ve been zoned out since 2014.

AUDEINCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: I just - all day long, I wander into traffic walking like Charlie Chaplin, listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast. 

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: I can zone out anywhere - I was at the doctor’s office, he was reading me the results of a blood test, it was important I listened, and I zoned out! I was like, “nah, I’m gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughts”.

AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS

MULANEY: I was like, “huh. None of the Beatles had moustaches… but then one day, all of them had moustaches.”

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: “That’s weird, I can’t think of a time a group has done that”. Some people in my life don’t want me to zone out as much - they want me to focus, and they want me to be in the moment, and they want me to do this by meditating. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried meditating, but I’ve been trying it. This is how you meditate, okay? You sit on the floor with your back perfectly straight, which I hate more than ISIS -

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight! Alright?! It’s never gonna happen! If meditating was sitting hunched over on the toilet with your elbow on your knee while kind of looking at your phone, I’d be the Dalai Lama.  

AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS

MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight. So you sit up straight, and you breathe, and this helps you stay in the moment. Don’t bother! The moment is mediocre at best!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: I mean, it’s fine. Let’s all try right now - let’s all be in the moment, in silence, right now. [A HALF-SECOND PAUSE] Sucked, right? Not fun at all! 

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: That was boring! You gotta zone out! You have an imagination! You have a movie theatre in your brain that plays fake arguments that you win.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS

MULANEY: Have you ever just been sitting there thinking about something for twenty, twenty-five minutes, and all of a sudden you’re like “oh my god, I’m driving!” and you remember? You’re like -

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: “I’m going seventy-five miles an hour! I have been for a while! I could’ve changed so many lives!” Sometimes, my wife - I have this wife - she’ll be like, “are you watching the road?” and I’m always like, “I am looking through the windshield.”

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Hi I’m Catifex and I want you to make your mouse’s work easier!

- This is a step by step on getting a therapist

- Need to find a therapist by location? Psychologytoday lets you search by city or zip code in the USA, Canada, or UK. 

yesterday i read this article and it just made me so happy

I particularly loved this quote:

To celebrate the release of Jurassic World, Bucky’s Bomb Yard is hosting a Dinosaur Egg Bath Bomb give-a-way! Our Dino Egg Bombs come in two colors(Blue and Green), are scented with peppermint and eucalyptus, and have toy dinosaurs inside! What you’ll get in this give-a-way:

- Three Dinosaur Egg bombs of various sizes! Pictured in the top image, you’ll get a large Dino Egg Bomb, a medium Dino Egg Bomb and a small Dino Egg Bomb!

This giveaway will run through Sunday June 14th, to be shipping out on Monday, to anyone in the United States(sorry to my followers overseas, shipping kicks my butt but I will be hosting worldwide give-a-ways in the near future!). To be eligible you must reblog this post and be following this tumblr account! I’ll contact the winner Sunday evening to get your address.

Don’t be late for work, but also get outta here cos I wanna pretend i’m a starfish and I need the whole bed to do that

YOU HAVE TO USE BAKING SODA.

Throwing flour into a fire can cause it to combust and make the fire worse because FLOUR/SUGAR IS FLAMMABLE. One cup of flour into a grease fire can have the explosive force of dynamite.