Tansy. She/Her. Autistic. Borderline Aroace.
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Fanfic Writer: Link to my A03
This is basically a Merlin blog now.
Arthur and Merlin are my emotional support romantic bantering idiots.
Ā
Currently watching (Again), writing, and obsessed with BBC Merlin.
Proud member of the ship whatever makes you happy and let others do the same club.
WILDDEOREN RIGHTS
There will be a lot of me randomly screaming or talking about writing my fanfics. If you wanna avoid that I always use the tag "Writing fanfiction"
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Side art by bitter-cherry Icon by Ramazikaa. Header by kairennart
Arthur wakes up in modern Glastonbury and to his unfathomable relief finds Merlin. But nothing is simple. Everything he knew is gone, for one. He wonders what of his achievements were actually his own, and not just Merlin's magic, for another. Arthur also has to face the fact that he kept the ban on magic going. Was he ever truly a good king?
There is also the āI love youā he mouthed to Merlin before dying. Something he cannot afford to focus on, because, as Merlin tells him, Albionās time of greatest need is upon them.
Then comes the unthinkable. Merlinās magic, which has been growing over the last thousand years, is suddenly too strong for the sorcerer's human body to handle. Faced with the prospect of losing Merlin, feelings suddenly come out and Arthur realizes that if he can save the man he loves and the land of Albion, he might be able to forgive himself for his mistakes and everything he is not.
The question is, can he?
Expect fluff, angst, humor, banter, hurt/comfort, whump, and lots of Merthur!
Merlin held Arthur as the sun began to set. He rubbed a hand up and down the other manās back as Arthur gripped him tightly. He could hear Arthur slowly working to pull himself together.Ā
Finally, Merlin heard a whisper.Ā
āSorry.āĀ
āYouāre apologizing to me?ā Merlin said incredulously. āFor having emotions?ā
Arthur raised his head slowly, letting go of Merlin. āSeems so.ā
Merlin could not let that stand.Ā
āOf all the⦠Arthur, donāt you dare try to apologize to me for crying after learning what you did just now,ā Merlin told him. āDonāt you dare. You emotionally repressed, impossible, dollophead of a king! Donāt you dare apologize for being human.ā
Arthur met Merlinās gaze with his red-rimmed blue eyes slightly wide. Then a smile started to grow on his face. āYou still canāt address me like that.ā
āWhat? The dollophead bit? Or the emotionally repressed, impossible, idiot bit?ā Merlin crossed his arms.Ā
āBoth⦠Wait, did you just add āidiotā to the insults,Ā Merlin?ā
āYes. Seems I did. Problem,Ā Your Majesty?Ā ā
Merlin saw Arthur open his mouth to retort, then let out a slight laugh and shake his head. āIām glad you didnāt change, Merlin.ā
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Art By @gyrhs
Army of Betas: Sleepygecko, Joyale, Anne Exception, vandalyssm, Sage_Owl, Loki_Lover_1234, @kadenemrys
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Leon: *Rushes in* Sire! We've just received notice that Consort Merlin has been taken and is being held for ransom! Would you like me to gather the knights to find him?
Arthur: (knowing of Merlin's magic) *Laughing* No, I don't believe that will be necessary.
Leon: My lord what is so humorous?
Merlin: *Walking in covered in mud* How low my ransom was for starters, you'd think I'd be worth a little more than that. Also how incredibly easy it was for me to escape.
Leon: *staring at Merlin in shock*
Arthur: I assume your abductors won't be an issue anymore?
Merlin: *Taking a seat next to Arthur* No, not that they were much of one to begin with.
i wanted to send you this msg for ages but I kinda felt shy cause I usually don't interact š but omg I NEED to tell you how awesome your art is. I practically have heart in my eyes whenever I see a new one on my dash š specially your Merlin mermaid ( or merman xD ) au is so beautiful I am like OMG this is so pretty and has such beautiful melancholic vibes š„ŗā¤
thank you for sharing your wonderful work.
you're so sweet! :">
Thank you for your kind words, I can relate to your struggle with interaction very much, so I appreciate it greatly!!š„¹šāāļø sending you much love and merMerlin, showing hearts through the glassš«øā¤ļø
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please please please please reblog if youāre a writer and have at some point felt like your writing is getting worse. I need to know if Iām the only one whoās struggling with these thoughts
this is a common phenomenon. the better you get, the more you recognize flaws. the good thing is you can strive to get better. but the bad thing is that you see nothing but flaws. you are actually getting better, but your editing/critical brain is getting tuned up and can see more things to improve. someone post the graph, I can't find it
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this is something i've seen both ways but i want to know what percentage of people think what. i think she's a girl bc she's morgana's little diva (and i feel merlin is girl dad)
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[merthur - rated T - 2476 words - gorgeous artwork by @count-pudding!!]
The sight was unfamiliar to Merlin, which in itself was probably cause for some level of concern.
Indeed, Merlin's expertise was second to none when it came to Arthur's various facial expressions. He was also well versed in Arthur's arcane body language, and proficient in the minute nuances lacing Arthur's huffs and hums. Every set of that jaw, every sharpening of those eyes, every twitch of those distracting lips told Merlin something of the inner workings and subtle moods of his princely prat.
It wasn't exactly that Arthur was an open book ā far from it. It was just that Merlin had perfected the delicate art of reading him, through many (many, many) hours (days, months, years) of watchful presence and dedicated, selfless service to the emotionally constipated clotpole who had become his raison d'ĆŖtre. It was not strictly a healthy thing to be so cognizant of another man's state of mind at any given moment, but it did help keep them alive ā to say nothing of the many hurled boots, pillows and cups Merlin had been able to deftly dodge over the years thanks to said intimate knowledge.
One could say that Merlin had seen Arthur at his glorious best and at his very pathetic worst and all the shades in between.
Which is why Merlin had a bit of a pause when he saw⦠what he was seeing.
Arthur. Utterly drunk. His flushed face a pathetic, glassy-eyed, rubicund mess, resting on the unyielding surface of the sturdy oak table in a smear of his own sweaty misery.
Arthur made a distraught little noise upon recognising his visitor. Just that. A brief, wet, squelching whine that was almost instantly quelled.
"Arthur? Whatā¦" Merlin immediately closed the door behind him and discreetly released the tendrils of his magic far and wide to find answers. It found none. None but the drunken prince, hugging his tabletop like a drowning man. "Arthur, what are you doing?"
"M'thinkin," he mumbled thickly. "P'ondering. C'ontemplating. Mmmulling."
"Oh boy," Merlin said under his breath. "Care to share the fruit of your reflection, Sire?" he asked lightly as he placed an unassuming and, hopefully, nonthreatening hand over the very pretty flagon of exotic wine that the envoy from Byzantium had brought amongst the cartload of presents for King Uther and his court. A potent brew, apparently.
"What are you doing here?" Arthur muttered, his heated cheek still very firmly stuck to the table. "Thought you were having a little⦠chat with Lord Whatsisface?"
"Lord Julian?"
"Lord Julian Fucking Apollo Coriolan," Arthur corrected pettily.
"Ah." Huh. "Is his middle name really Apollo?" It would've been justified, because there was no denying the man in question was excruciatingly handsome. And rather statuesque in build.
A dark, drunken (and very rude) curse was Arthur's only reply.
"I was actually discussing the use of a remedy that might help Gaius with his bad cold. It turns out His Lordship is very knowledgeable in cures and restoratives."
"Oh His Lordship, eh?"
"Ye-es, he has travelled extensively and been able to study the practices of many a place," Merlin said, quietly going about tidying bits and pieces around the room. "He has collected many herbs and roots and he has some scrolls he thinks I should look at. He promised to show me a few things tomorrow."
A wet snort spilled from Arthur as he pushed himself to a slightly more dignified sitting position, that almost overbalanced into a tumble from his stately seat.
"Oh he wants to show you his thing for sure," the prince muttered, a bitter twist to his sullen mouth.
Ah. Alright. This was new.
"I very much doubt it," Merlin said patiently as he reached to take the sloshing goblet from Arthur's hand. "I think we've had enough of that very nice Byzantine wine, Sire."
"No-o," Arthur whined as he cradled the goblet against his chest and glared at Merlin's whereabouts. Gods, how much of the stuff had he imbibed?
And more importantly, why?
Arthur was always so cautious around drink. He drank with his fellow knights, partook in banquets, toasted merrily with everyone as the situation required, but Merlin knew that he was prudent with his intake. As the heir to the throne and the son of his exacting father, he had been trained in the underestimated yet critical art of engaging in diplomatic libations. In fact, one of the first things Merlin had been taught as manservant and cupbearer to the prince was how to pour his drinks and mix his wine with the right amount of water (an amount which was definitely more than Merlin himself would find enjoyable).
And yet here, one whiff of Arthur's breath told Merlin that the spiced wine had been consumed hardly (if at all) diluted.
"Go away," Arthur sulked, still cuddling his cup. "Leave me to my inoss⦠my interss⦠my introshpection."
Merlin stifled a smile at the fractious yet oddly adorable prince. A tipsy Arthur was a rare sight indeed. Merlin reached out a hand and placed the back of his fingers over Arthur's brow, just to make sure no fever was involved.
"Leave me be," the prince said in a small voice, eyes now brimming with untold emotions and conflicted dampness.
"I just want to make sure you're all right," Merlin informed him as he finally managed to gently pry the cup from the clumsy but grabby hands. "I think you should retire to bed, my Lord."
"And I think you should fuck off, Merlin," Arthur groused as Merlin laboriously hauled him to his feet.
"I most certainly will. As soon as we've put you into bed."
Something undetermined (but no doubt derogatory) was mumbled.
"Come on. That's right," Merlin encouraged. Then, "Nononoā Gods, why did you have to drink yourself into a stupor?" he griped as the prince sagged unhelpfully in his arms.
"You like him," Arthur hissed accusingly.
"And who are we talking about now?"
"Fffucking Apollo."
"Ah," Merlin replied eloquently as he staggered under the limp, disarticulated weight of his prince.
"What does he have that I don't?"
"What?"
"I'm taller than him."
"Uh⦠I don't thinkā"
"And I'm a better warrior than him."
"I guess he wouldā whups, sorry," Merlin said as Arthur collapsed face first onto the bed. "Are you alright there, Sire?"
"He's nothing special," the pickled prince muttered into the pillow.
"Well, he's a Byzantine envoy and he's travelled a long way to meet you and your father," Merlin argued as he rolled the prat right side up.
"Yeah, because I'm special. Not him."
Merlin quashed a smile at the childish remark. He was going to have so much fun tomorrow reminding Arthur just what a rambling, drunken arse he had made of himself. He was going to have months of teasing material by the time Arthur fell asleep tonight.
"His eyes look like puddle water," the prince then noted, a satisfied but wobbly smirk on his flushed features as Merlin peeled him out of his tunic.
"Do they? They seemed grey-green to me."
"Zactly! Dreary colour. Terrible colour."
"I thought they were rather nice, intelligent eyes," Merlin prattled perversely as he wrestled the boots off Arthur's feet.
"Of course you would, wouldn't you?" Followed by a string of mutterings casting aspersions on Merlin's mental acuity, powers of observation and rampant lust for some reason.
Meanwhile, Merlin went on undressing Arthur. Then he fondly arranged the pillows behind him, feeling the heat and affronted misery coming off his inebriated prince. Sometimes, he found the amount of love he carried for Arthur was unfair. Sometimes⦠Well, sometimes he just felt blessed to be able to stand by his side and take care of him in all matters big and small. He would obviously rather rip his own tongue out than admit it out loud, but he could no more deny the sweet ache of his feelings than he could grow feathers and fly.
Probably. He'd never tried.
He was at this familiar and dreadfully tender point in his thoughts, tucking Arthur in for the night as he went, when the prince, who apparently had been following his own chaotic train of plastered thoughts suddenly grabbed his face and drew him up close.
Almost close enough to kiss.
Merlin was about to make light of the uncomfortably delicious situation, but Arthur's gaze was a little wild and oddly entreating.
"Don't go with him," Arthur breathed, voice hoarse yet commanding. "I'm⦠I mean, my⦠That is, I really⦠My eyes are blue," he eventually managed on a desperate splutter.
"So they are," Merlin replied gently, daring to touch a hand to Arthur's heated cheek. "And a very pretty blue, too. The prettiest in the land." Which was, alas, deplorably true as far as Merlin was concerned. Arthur's eyes were blue flecked with constellations of azure and ultramarine. He could lose himself in those eyes. He already had.
"And I'm blonder than him," Arthur went on, fingertips absently doing obscene things to Merlin's sense of duty and honour.
"You are," Merlin promised softly.
"Don't go to bed with him. Please."
Al-right.
"I wouldn't," he promised.
Especially as Lord Julian was clearly enamoured with his aide Nicodemus who also happened to be a powerful mage and a gifted seer. It was on Nicodemus' impulse that they had made the long and fraught journey to Camelot ā to meet the foretold Once and Future King and confer with the 'Great Emrys'.
"I promise you Lord Julian has no designs on my virtue," Merlin murmured to the lovely but woefully shitfaced prat.
"That's what you think! He's no fool, he can see how pretty you are. How nice and⦠crafty⦠and funnyā¦" Arthur's warm, spicy breath ghosted over him, intoxicating to Merlin in a way that had nothing to do with how much wine the prince had imbibed. "The truest friend and companion a man could desire." Then an upset frown creased his brow. "He can't have that. He can't have you," Arthur insisted, his hands awkwardly possessive on either side of Merlin's face, squishing his cheeks with loving fervour. Then Arthur seemed to run out of momentum, and he leaned his forehead against Merlin's. "Justā¦Tell him you're mine," he said weakly.
Oh the delightful pain that wrung Merlin's heart at those words. If only. If only he dared.
"I am yours," he agreed on a murmur. "I'm your manservant, aren't I?"
"Yes," Arthur said quietly, a mess of emotions brewed in the too-shiny blue eyes. "Yes, you are." Then with more intensity, "Sometimes it feels like that's not enough."
"Oh you want me to be your friend, now?" Merlin teased lightly, resorting to this old joke to shield them both from the bluntness of Arthur's cup-induced delusions of frankness
"You are my friend," Arthur announced, seemingly dredging up the admission from the innermost sanctum of his proud soul. "It's not right. And it's not what I want. But it's the truth."
Gods, could the clotpole be anymore sweetly hurtful?
"And I want you⦠to want to be by my side," the lost prince spelled out laboriously.
"Well, you know me. I'm apparently the self-sacrificing type," Merlin tried with a little smile. "And I have nowhere else I need to be."
"So⦠do you promise to always be mine?" The gleam of desperate longing in Arthur's wine-earnest eyes was gouging Merlin's heart out of his chest.
And Merlin saved himself with the only defence at his disposal ā pained humour.
"Only if you promise to be mine in return?" was all he had the nerve to say.
Arthur closed his eyes, sighed a long tired breath. He released Merlin and leaned back against the pillows, seemingly exhausted.
Well, there was Merlin's answer. And here was his lacerated, shivering heart kindly handed back to him, a little worse for wear.
He let himself sit on the edge of the mattress for a moment ā to recover from the ordeal.
He was about to get to his feet, when Arthur's hand found one of his wrists and held it, forcing him to stay. Anchoring him like nothing else could. Arthur then slowly brought Merlin's captive hand towards his own cheek.
"If I had a choice⦠If I didn't already belong to Camelot⦠There is nothing I would want more than to be yours," he vowed, soft and broken.
Merlin was speechless.
And Arthur forged on.
"If I wasn'tā¦" The princely forefinger drew a wobbly loop in the air "ā¦who I am. If we were not soā¦" The forefinger now waved back and forth unsteadily "ā¦unequal." Arthur blinked and wet his lips unsurely. "Would you have me?" he asked on a poignant croak.
Yes. A thousand times yes.
The answer and the feeling caught painfully in Merlin's chest.
"I⦠I think we shouldā¦" The rest of the reasonable words momentarily died on his lips as Arthur closed his eyes and leaned into the palm of Merlin's hand. A hand made rough and callused by the daily toil of a serving boy. And here were the prince's lips seeking to meekly brush against the base of Merlin's thumb. The soft, intimate gesture, so full of promise and longing, was too much to bear for Merlin. "I think we should keep this discussion for tomorrow morning," he said in a breathless rush. "When you're well-rested and sober. Sire."
Merlin then gently, very delicately, retrieved his hand from the sweetest trap ever.
"I have upset you," Arthur observed despondently. "You only ever give me 'sires' and 'my lords' when I've upset you."
"You know me too well, Your Highness."
Arthur gave a tired, damp snort. "Now you're just mocking me."
"I wouldn't dare." Said with an easy quirk of the lips. And there, just like that, Merlin had brought them back on a more familiar and more passable path. The one he walked every day, in thoughts simultaneously one step ahead and one step behind the man he loved, but never abreast.
Arthur rolled onto his side, trying to find a comfortable position as his eyes blurrily followed Merlin through the motions of closing down their day. Putting away the warming pan, making sure the chamber pot was clean and within reach, folding Arthur's still-warm clothes, patting the covers, snuffing out the candles. Letting the echoes of the incriminating, too-tender words die out, swallowed by the silk and velvet trappings of Arthur's power and status. All the little things to reset the clockwork of their improper, bristly and at times wildly intimate friendship.
Tomorrow would be another day. Merlin would do his best to forget he'd witnessed the longing because such notions were simply too fraught to entertain.
"I might hold you to it, you know?" Arthur's voice was raspy and drawling, tangled as it was in wine and sleep. "Tomorrow morning. You and I, having that long-overdue discussion."
"Goodnight, Arthur."
"Goodnight. Merlin."
Inspired by one of @count-pudding's sketches (posted last December). Thank you for sharing your beautiful art, my friend. šš„°
This won't get posted to AO3 (unless it eventually becomes the first chapter of a longer thing instead of a standalone ficlet? š¤), so feel free to reblog, like and let me know in the comments if you enjoyed it.