I just realized that technically I’m RL Lara Jean. Still hate driving because I’m terrified af. I spend most of my time in my head. Or reading about fictional characters falling in love but shooting down every person who shows a hint of interest. Falling for the boy who was hung up on his ex of 3 years, but never failed to go out of his way to make me smile.
It snuck up on me. The tiny notes left on my desk at the office. The impromptu slow dancing when no one was around. The long hugs with my face buried in your chest. The body tackles that always started with me messing up your soft curly hair. Your smile that literally made my heart skip a beat. The time we took turns trying every single seat on the fastest rollercoaster in the world when we were out of town on a business trip. The wide grins and tickle fights midair. The way you told me I was the fastest person you’ve ever loved. When you’d always play my favorite songs in your car.
To when I was too insecure because I thought you were too hot for me, captain of the football team. To when I was too scared of your history with your ex that I pushed you to get back together with her. When you called me right before you went to propose to ask me a mundane question about your broken laptop. To you getting engaged and me not going to the engagement party. To you breaking off the engagement and me still not doing anything about it even though I know you’re my soulmate. I still love you.
a year and a half later, you call me again. tell me you’re getting engaged. say i know you’re not coming but i just wanted you to know. and me faking another congratulations, i’m so happy for you. i am. i’m just not happy for me but that’s all on me i guess.
life is so strange. i went back to that same place a couple of weeks ago. i had so many mixed feeling, it felt like maybe i’m getting the closure i’ve always needed by overwriting this memory, and yet all i could think about all the way up in the air with my hair flying, my heart out of my chest, was how when i look to my side it should be you laughing at my screams. it’s weird writing this. you’ve moved on, got a family now. i’ve moved, too. to a whole new country, a whole new life. but i’m still me. i’m still too scared to drive and too weak to move on.
sometimes i feel like my life could be a movie. this is the story of a girl and how she never fails to fail herself.
