Tales from a Trailing Spouse

My 5 day old baby just received his first email.

Our trip last year made a big impact in small, quaint Xinchang....

So with time on our hands the boy & I are able to resume ticking off things on our Bucket List. One sunny Wednesday morning we finally got to leave American soil and enter UN territory, something I had been wanting to do since college. Or probably more truthfully since I saw The Dictator. 

Notwithstanding baby brain, the facts that I can recall:

193 members with the most recent being South Sudan added in 2011. 2 additional observers in the form of Vatican City and Palestine. 

15 members sitting on the Security Council with 5 members (aka winners from WWII) having total veto power on any resolution. 

The Presidency of the Sec Council rotates around the members on a monthly basis and they all sit alphabetically. 

The General Assembly also sits alphabetically but to ensure that Zimbabwe doesn’t always get screwed they rotate which letter they start at. Currently Tuvalu (pop: 11,000) is the leader meaning that Zimbabwe finally gets a chance in the centre spot.

And being surprised wonderfully at work. Decorating onesies, playing games, baby-themed music, finally getting the crown I deserve, it was all perfectly executed and terribly thoughtful. 

So forgive the complete lack of chronological order but sitting at a computer desk has been quite uncomfortable recently so I have been restricting my time to the bare minimum. Hence why now, in May, you will see pictures of snow.

Our flurry of guests back in 2013 and 2014 has now slowed done somewhat as we have settled into normal life and those that wanted free board & lodging in New York City have filled their boots. The main exception to this is wonderful sister-in-law who wins the prize for our most popular (i.e. frequent) guest.

So this year has been rather quiet with the exception of the wonderful Dan & Jen and also my Father. Knowing how much Jen dislikes the cold - she was always the first one to start stuffing heat pads in her ski gloves - I spent a lot of time managing expectations and warning them that NYC in Jan is mighty mighty cold. Not UK cold, a whole different level. I then got slightly worried as we ramped up to their visit and the weather was surprisingly mild and bright, I was gonna look like a big fat liar. Imagine therefore my delight when Storm Jonas hit the eastern seaboard and knocked NY into a state of emergency and shock that has not been evidenced for years. Vindicated!

Hoping any restaurant was open for all we had was M&Ms at home.

NY Public Library looking suitably festive. 

Being with a retired person meant one had to read every statue inscription in the park. Every darn one. 

Atop the World Trade Center.

Either he’s pregnant or he just likes pastries.

I wanted to write this during Infertility Awareness Week but in a sweetly ironic way I’m getting to this slightly later than I anticipated…….. ;o)

First things first, I’m glad in a way I found out about this pregnancy late, because a full 40 stretch is way too long. Jeez, how does everyone do it? If I go full term then I will have knowingly been pregnant for 27 weeks and these last three are taking an age. Where it used to be novel that I had to swing & hoist myself out of bed, it’s now just plain annoying. The constant peeing is no longer cute or endearing and I’m fed up with having to plan my day around how far I can walk before I get shooting pains up my legs. 

Plus there are the obvious things that I miss - sleeping on my front, ahh such a simple pleasure. Sushi. Red wine, god, red wine. But anyway I won’t complain as there is an amazing gift shortly to be delivered. 

I can also forgive the fact that I can’t temporarily sleep prostrate as there have been some changes to my body that I bloody love. First things first, it’s probably the first time in recent years that I actually remember liking my body; it’s finally working correctly and doing things that it should, as well as a few extra things it shouldn’t. Since the big op a few years ago I often pause in front of the mirror and compare myself to a ‘cut & shut’ secondhand car - sometimes with amusement and sometimes with sadness. However now, I see the massive scars being stretched by ‘him indoors’ and I can only smile. 

So anyway, back to where it all started. We didn’t decide to have a child and then whomp there is it. The entire thing was a long hard emotional path that ultimately failed many many times before it succeeded. As well as having to relearn my basic GCSE Biology (sorry for not listening more Mrs Gay), I quickly gained a huge appreciation for how difficult, varied and complicated human fertility is. I think the only thing I gleaned from school was that if you let a man get anywhere near you that you would instantly get pregnant, fall out of school, fail to get a career and become one of ‘those’ Mums. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but my school years certainly gave me a false impression of fertility and that it was a relatively easy thing to do once you had made the decision. So for me, my general thinking was that I could rest easy, enjoy life, travel, develop my career and then - boom - have a kid when it darn well suited me. 

I was wrong. Turns out this instant conception thing isn’t the standard operating procedure and the majority of couples experience difficulties or unforeseen circumstances. Broadly speaking they fall into one of two categories - those in the small puddle of diagnosable causes of infertility and then the remainder of people swimming around in the massive pond labelled ‘unexplained’. Neither pool of water is preferable but I know that many friends have swum in them at some point in their lives. 

For me the thing that didn’t help was that there seems to be a stigma attached to being upfront and honest about personal fertility. Most people either stay silent or conversely do the opposite and proclaim how easy it was. I know that some people are super lucky and get pregnant the minute they decided to have children but this is the exception rather than the rule. If you have had even the slightest delay or difficulty then please be as honest as you can for it offers such comfort to those around you. 

So back to my experience and there were dark days and calm days. On calm days I was resolutely convinced that I was destined to be a mother - it was a very clear vision I had had in my head since I was a little girl. I had clear images of painting at the kitchen table, potting plants, making mud pies - things like that. There was no way I wasn’t going to bring children into this world and have these experiences. However on dark days my mind was consumed thinking about what sort of couple we were going to be. I couldn’t concentrate on even simple tasks as my mind tormented me with our barrenness. How would we fit into our group of friends, what role would we play? Would we be the couple that built an aviary in their back garden and professionally showed parakeets and budgerigars? I’m making light of it of course but apologies if you were ever around me on a dark day and the facade slipped.

So I guess I’m here now - 37 weeks pregnant and generally thankful each and every day. I’m doing my bit by being honest and upfront. Ask me any questions you wish and I’ll provide you with full answers. My only wish is for more people to join me and do the same - disclose what you can. Even the merest of glimpses into the reality that it wasn’t as easy as you thought will offer some comfort to those who feel the same. I promise! For behind the genuine smiles and happiness for your joy there may indeed be a woman at your baby shower or your place of work privately experiencing a very dark day.

A seemingly rare day of sunshine. We walked miles - from 96th St on the Upper West Side right down to the West Village. Refreshments were in the form of bacon, followed by steak. There was also a little salad.