spaces between us

“- God… I feel like the walking dead. I can’t quite comprehent how I am even able to be standing at this point.”

“Maybe that can be your side job, being an extra on the show. Kidding. What’s wrong with you?”

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to the steering wheel of my father’s Porsche in my sink, a guinea pig in my bathtub with a lightening bolt sticker on it’s head dressed as Harry Potter, and the number to the local sperm bank written on my arm. I don’t own a guinea pig. I don’t know what I drank last night, but I really hope someone got all of that on video.

“Doesn’t sound like anything out of the ordinary for you. I’m really curious about that guinea pig, though. Are you going to keep it?”

“Excuse me? I don’t think Hollister would have hired me then, would they? Don’t worry about your opinion though, it’s not like I have feelings or anything.”

“Of course they would have hired you. Their target audience are young teenagers. But there’s no need to be so sensitive. It’s a good thing to look younger than you really are.”

“Man, it’s fuckin’ impressive.. I mean, I’m not even on that level yet.. maybe one day. That’s not the point, though.. like, okay.. why would you want a thirteen year old boy to know how many dicks you can take? And like, what if a thirteen year old is getting off to you and then his mom walks in and sees you take three dicks too.. then it’s like.. is that bonding? Like, would that be my mother and son time? It’s just weird. I feel like we should all save the fuckin’ polar bears instead of stressin’ over how many dicks people can take.”

“I personally wouldn’t a thirteen year old boy to know how many dicks I can take but, there are a lot more fucked up things he can find on the internet. I... I’m not really sure how to answer that question. I’m glad I was never in that position growing. But, yes, saving the polar bears is much productive. How exactly does one go about saving polar bears?”

I’m so nervous for my future. Also for the future of… everyone. Like what if one of us got into the explicit art of pornography? Imagine going to the grocery store and you get pulled up by an adolescent teenage boy, going through the beautiful changes of puberty and he be like, “Oh my god, I saw you take three dicks at once while wearing a sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume.“ God, please. Pray for us.

“Why’s that such a bad thing? If you’re skilled enough to be able to take three dicks, I think you deserve all the praise in the world, even if it’s coming from a teenage boy.”

I feel bad about it now. You know I shouldn’t go to McDonalds when I’m drunk. Or, anywhere, really.

“Maybe you should’ve thought about that before. But in all honestly, I think you’ll be fine. You weren’t the first person to yell at a McDonald’s employee and you certainly won’t be the last.”

I get some of ya’ll are like rich as hell and snobs, but do you really all have to treat me like shit when I serve you? For example today, I served a couple and they looked at me like I was trash – I mean I am, but that’s not the point. Treat me with a little respect, otherwise I’ll spit in your drink. Don’t tell my boss that though, please.

“I know what you mean a little too welll. But I never understood why people thought it was okay to do that? I mean, your server is handling your food and there are so many things they can do to it.”

Damn, I didn’t think about that. So let’s say they do remember me, or ban me, or something, are you willing to go to McDonalds and order McFlurries for me? You know I’d do it for you. 

“I don’t know... you kind of deserve spit in your food if you treat McDonald’s workers poorly.”

“This man came into my shop today and expected me to fix his damn truck for free. This isn’t the first time it’s happened—it’s the third time it’s happened this week. Who do these people think I am?”

“I don’t know. You kind of look like a child, maybe they thought they could bully you into doing it for free?”

At McDonald’s last night the guy gave me the wrong kind of McFlurry, so I screamed at him, “YOU MCFUCKED UP.” I feel bad about that. I mean, I don’t want to get banned from McDonalds. Not again.

“Nah, I don’t think you’ll be banned. They might spit in your food if you remember you, though.”

“Well, luckily we are still in the beginning and had not shot too much. It just blows that I am going to have a whole new girl. I feel like you are being a little sarcastic with me though.”

“That is so good to hear. Why would I be sarcastic? Everyone knows you’re my favorite director.”

“So, today was a particularly wonderful one. Not only did I find out Faye caught a cold from one of her friends, my main actress quit. I guess your director not wanting to sleep with you outweighs being in a film.. who knew?”

“ Oh no. I really hope this doesn’t push back your release date. I’m really looking forward to seeing your new film.”