Queen Bee

I have become more aware of rituals that are all around me. I look for them, I search.

Living with anxiety is hard, but it also gives me the power to notice things (both good and bad) in a way I am not sure all people see. I am often in my head- bad things abound- ruminating in a toxic way. I try to catch myself in those spirals and practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a practice of being totally in the present and mindful of everything happening at that very moment. It helps to ground me during particularly hard moments.

I've seen mention online of "daily rituals" and to me, they feel like an extension of what it means to be mindful. I am trying to notice more, and incorporate some of those rituals into my daily habits.

For instance, the first time I recognized a consistent action creating mindfulness is when I started making my own pour over coffee. It was a resentful practice at first. My husband said he would make coffee for me every morning until he stopped drinking coffee! Ugh!

I had to learn how to do it- I had to write out the instructions and tape them to the kitchen wall, which feels very much like a thing my Grandma would do.

After that, I just started doing it. I wouldn't make it for myself every day. I don't have that kind of time as a chronically late person. But when I do have a day that I start work at 11 am instead of 9 am, I make my own cup of coffee.

I set a kettle of water on the stove while I grab the grounds, scale, coffee filter, filter cone, and a mug that fits the feel of the day. My "Bitchin'" mug is used often. I place the filter in the cone and wet it through. I place that on top of my mug, I fill it with 22 grams of coffee (everything weighed on the scale), and I wait for the whistle of the kettle. After, I wait for it to cool off before pouring in the water at different specific increments.

I am left with a steaming mug of coffee that I made myself. I am overwhelmed with a sense of peace. It washes over me like a cloud.

I clean everything up (also part of my ritual), sit down, and breathe it in, waiting for it to cool enough for that first sip, that first jolt of energy.

I have started noticing my other rituals. Watering my tomatoes during the summer, doing something creative, doing my hair or makeup, making guacamole in my molcajete, curing my molcajete, baking at night, looking at the sun set, writing here to you (the digital abyss).

I've decided to try to write more (maybe on here, maybe just journaling, maybe that book I still need to write).

At the mall today, I picked up my first laptop since collage. That one pooped out on me in 2015, so I've been long overdue. My husband wanted to check out the men's shoe section in Macy's before we left, so we journeyed into the unknown.

This Macy's used to be a Marshall Field's department store until its unfortunate closure in 2006. I have memories of going there as a child with my Mom and Grandma, exploring the never ending selection of clothes, jewelry, and makeup. Touching that soft piece of clothing or that expensive leather purse. The lower level had a wonderful fancy cafeteria that you could smell as soon as you walked into the store. We would ride the elevator down and I could hear the buzz of everyone and their mother getting food and settling down to eat before braving the crowded mall once again.

When I ride the elevator down today, I hear the buzz of the elevator, and smell the ghost of that posh cafeteria food. But no more. In its' place, an overcrowded Starbucks and an out of place Macy's gift shop remain. An overpriced chocolate shoppe booth to the left of the elevator caps off what I already knew. It's just not the same anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I respect a good building update, but this felt like an incredible downgrade and let down. I felt low going up that elevator.

Today, with my husband in that Macy's, I journeyed to the makeup department. I was intent on the idea of laying claim to an exclusive Clinique Black Honey nail polish and a MAC Chappell Roan lipstick. I walked up to the Clinique booth, just browsing, and heard a chipper voice pipe, "Can we help you with anything?" I looked up to see five pairs of eyes looking back at me with big smiles to match. "Just looking around for the Black Honey nail polish" I quip, eager to get their eyes off me. I am used to shopping being a solitary activity until I meet with a reluctant cashier. These ladies are nothing like that.

"Oh well, we only have that exclusively online, but if you were interested, we do have this Black Honey makeup kit and...."

She prattled off more information about the "exclusive kit" and even tried to persuade me to buy it after I told her I already had everything in the kit (although there was a humorous undertone to her persuasion). I walked away with nothing from that booth.

Then, I was walking by another booth with beautiful refillable lipstick cases. A woman with bright red lipstick and jet black hair came up and explained what it was and the price points. She then asked me what I was doing on August 22nd. Caught off guard, I told her we would not be in town. She said, "No problem! We are having a 15% off sale that day and you can even order online." I also walked away with nothing from that booth (given the $100+ price tag)

Finally, I made my way to the final object of my desire, the MAC Chappell Roan lipstick collab. The woman came up to me and asked if I needed help. We went back and forth, her trying to see which lipstick I was referring to and me trying to explain which kind I needed. They didn't ever receive the one I was looking for. I ended up showing her another lipstick I had in my bag since they didn't have it in the store, and she was so excited to see it. I walked away with nothing, one last time.

The department store is dying. I was not able to find anything in that store because they didn't have it in stock. I know I would have had more luck online, which is the thought process of most people nowadays.

Going into one of these stores often feels like a more expensive version of Ross or Home Goods with their overstuffed variety of goods. It makes me sad to see because I love the bones of what a department store stands for.

It is rare these days to find personalized service without a price tag attached. Businesses and workplaces are downsizing and turning to overworking their employees or simply replacing them with no one. I left Macy's today feeling nostalgic and a bit sad. Seeing all of those wonderful women at those makeup counters felt like something straight out of my childhood, and even before that. I see movies and shows where the woman in the 1950's goes to the makeup counter, and today felt a little like that.