Once

And this is one of the reasons why I am now so hesitant to tell her if I’m called for a job interview. Every single time, I get to hear those pointless and unnecessary words and I can’t even explain how angry, sad and demotivated they make me.

And now, as always, I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel like not going for the interview and letting another opportunity go. 

I don’t know how one person can always manage to extract all the positivity from situations...every time..

but the amount of triggered that i get when the future and unis start getting discussed is way too...intense. people always ask what stops me from being even remotely motivated about unis...i can never answer

im dead in the inside im terribly scared of the future. i fear it’ll be other narrow minded people controlling me. i get thoughts of not living past august 2017. i feel absolutely incapable of every single thing. life scares me too much. i do not have an ounce of passion left. 

i know my undergrad education was very very expensive and it was by far the biggest burden on my dad. literally all the stress and pain he had to go through was because of my uni. 

now obviously my plan, like any normal student’s, was to complete uni and start earning. my mum on the other hand, keeps stopping me from that??? like what exactly did you make me study this expensive ass degree for? i know you’re quite controlling but why are you wanting me to quickly apply for masters but not for a job? i complete my masters then what? i dunno but every single thing she says has undertones of marriage.

im pretty sure she thinks i’ll finish undergrad, finish masters then marry and live at home while a man earns. 

this shit is the only thing that’s killed all my desire and motivation to live since summer 2013. i thought she’d have changed though but nope. she thinks i just want to do a job for fun coz others do it or something. like are you serious?????

i get she has a veryyy narrow view of things but when my life is controlled so much i don’t feel like going on.

why does she care about how well i do in my studies if i am to take no advantage of it in the future? to tell people? for a good marriage cv?