john doe’s diaries

honestly, I’m not sure how to deal with it. I’ve been trying to draw casually, traditionally, etc, but it hasn’t worked, my last attempt will be practicing anatomy but otherwise I need a break

hopefully this will do me some good as even engaging with art as a whole has been difficult because I particularly find art I find aspirational to be a confirmation or condemnation of my own inadequacy. I would call it an artistic ego death, but I don’t think that can happen when you don’t have a positive/grandiose ego to begin with

with onlyoneof, in hindsight I can see that I was a bit more willing to put my stuff out because the artist pool was/is so small. even if I hated/hate most things I did and the things I usually say about my art still apply, I guess there was a very, very small amount of security I had when it came to compositions or ideas, whatever. not saying there was no “competition” because that’s not true at all, but the community is much smaller, I guess there’s less to compare yourself to

when it comes to gorillaz, I often feel quite paralysed because of expectations. I see art that moves me or that I find aspirational to be confirmation of my own inadequacy rather than something I can love without guilt, it’s very frustrating. often, I see gorillaz art so incredible that it just makes me want to give up. it’s really no way to live

my experience in the fandom doesn’t even really matter, because even though I like to think I have a unique perspective, I find all my ideas to be unoriginal, uncreative, and unmoving. just dull, emotionless, and plain ugly. I can’t really get over the ugliness of it all, as shallow as that may sound

I do try to listen to my friends who always tell me beautiful things that really mean the world to me, but it’s impossible for me to internalise currently. I need to learn how to, but right now I can’t

I do think the fandom transition (not really a transition because I haven’t “hopped” over or moved on from onlyoneof (#ONLYONEOF4EVA!!)) has had a huge affect on my already-chronically-struggling artistic confidence. trying to perfect my stylisation of the characters has also been very difficult and has caused a lot of strain and demotivation

yeah, I just wanted to mention that too. it’s a shame, because despite my reservations I really do crave community within the gorillaz fandom! it’s just been hard when I feel like what I have to “offer” is worthless. if I can’t find value in it, I have very little attachment to it and I struggle to believe others would find significant value as well

the most I can contribute is analyses/whatever posts because of my experience/expertise (I died a little typing that but I’m serious) and relatively unique perspective on a lot of things, which I do enjoy doing but I don’t find it as meaningful as art

I guess what I want to say is that, if you interact with art in any way shape or form where you have the ability to say something whether the artist sees it or not, please say it

I’m struggling a lot lately, and the fundamental issue I have with my purpose and motivation to create is really making me crumble. my debilitating violent self loathing affects everything I do, but especially art. it’s a very direct connection to who I am and what I can do, my skills, my values, etc. I’m struggling to bear my art, the process, the final product, whatever. it’s all just so unbearable, so unimpressive, so uninspired, so ugly, so nothing. I feel nothing looking at my art except for loathing. I’m really struggling

I can’t emphasise how huge the impact of lack of engagement has had on this feeling. I cannot bear playing to an empty room, I can’t stand it. I can’t stand posting anything and all the fucking empty likes I get. no comments, no tags, no comments from anyone who isn’t one or two maximum dear friends or someone who barely says anything they actually like about the art that isn’t something superficial

I don’t care about posting anymore. I don’t look at notifications. I see the numbers but they’re always empty. I really feel crazy, and at a loss

I can’t bear my own art, I can’t bear myself nor anything I create, I believe I have no artistic value nor do I have anything worth saying. I create with no purpose, I create ugly images that make me feel nothing and that mean nothing and that, as far as I can tell, has no impact on anyone nor means anything to anyone

whenever I engage with art that connects with me, I leave these long sentimental comments that are humiliating to post, but I want to leave comments I’d be thrilled to see on my own work. when you’re screaming to an empty room for so, so, so long, that loathing you feel for yourself feels universal. I hate everything I create, I believe it’s hideous and purposeless and meaningless, no one else has told me otherwise. no one who isn’t my friend, or someone who I believe is forced to say something nice

I remember these tags I got years ago from something I drew, it was someone expressing how it made them feel, and later, they reblogged it again and spoke about coming back to it. I remember that still, it’s so precious to me. that doesn’t happen anymore

I just feel nothing, I feel like stone. I am just consumed by loathing. if I cannot make anything as meaningful to anyone else as my favourite things are to me, then I don’t know what the point of anything is. if I can’t make something even bearable to look at for me, how can I believe that anyone else could feel differently if no one is telling me

I made this post and others like it with one demographic in mind, and it was never even for a single second any of my friends. this rant is directed towards followers or non-followers who leave likes and nothing else. there’s just something so particularly demotivating about getting 95% likes and no tags or comments on art you post on tumblr, because you know they’re not going anywhere

this is also something I’m facing on twitter, which is honestly giving me more distress than it is here

there, I finally reached over 100 followers. I’ve been hovering at around 50-70 over the last 3/4 years or so, I reached this number after posting in the gorillaz community

the thing is, I wasn’t being followed for my art, I was being followed for like, opinion posts or stuff like that. not even huge analyses that I’m passionate about and eager to share and talk about with. I don’t care about followers, but I do care about human engagement, meaning words. I thought more people following me meant that I would be welcomed as a new/returning artist in the fandom, I really thought I would be embraced and encouraged, but if anything my engagement is lower than it has ever been

these people don’t care or engage in my art, and they don’t even engage with or like any of my analyses or opinion posts they allegedly followed me for. so really, what’s the fucking point? I’ve been logging out regularly on there because it’s so upsetting, I cannot understand why these people follow and then never engage