#~lucca

Why am I/are we qualified to talk about this?:

We were a Lost/Ghost Child before we became a Scapegoat, around 5 to 18 years old. We did research on it when our therapist said it seemed like our role in the family was “to disappear”, as seen in this role. We’ve done work for about 3 years unraveling these wounds & figuring out what the feelings mean.

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Why would a kid end up in this role?:

The brief explanation is neglect & trauma as part of a toxic family system.

This is often the kid who falls in the shadow of a Hero Child, Golden Child, &/or Mascot/Jester Child. They can never live up to their sibling(s) so they disappear.

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What does this role look like?:

- Often forgotten &/or unnoticed by the family &/or their friends (if they have friends)

- May get left out of “family” photos, or hidden in the background

- May get left behind on “family” outings (& they may not even notice)

- Drifting around in the background, hovering near but not engaging with people

- May follow around people who are nice to them, or at least not *as* bad as their family (again drifting, not always noticed)

- not seeking approval, but not seeking punishment or any attention either

- very quiet (or even silent/never speaking)

- May have Generalized Anxiety Disorder &/or Social Anxiety Disorder

- only speaks when spoken to

- they learn to take care of themselves alone (because it’s rare or never that others will)

- pretends not to need or want anything

- may have trouble later in life asking for / receiving support or care from others

- May have clinical depression

- May say they don’t belong in friend groups &/or at family gatherings

- Deep neglect wound

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What does this role feel like?:

- “I don’t belong here” (in your own house, at family gatherings)

- “I don’t belong in [this/any] family”

- “I’m safer when I’m not noticed”

- anxiety when people point you out or acknowledge you exist

- “please don’t notice me 😣”

- deep neglect wound

- may sometimes or often want to die

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If you were also put in this role, you deserve better & I hurt with you. You can heal, & you’re allowed to (not that you need my permission, but I know it can be reassuring to hear/see someone say it anyway).

If your sibling is in this role, it’s not your fault (it’s your parents’/caretakers’/egg &/or sperm donor’s/donors’ fault). You may want to gently let them know you see & value them. Don’t force them “out of their shell” (that’ll cause worse anxiety); be patient with them.

Why would someone end up in this role?:

In brief, this is a toxic family role someone may be forced into by abusive, neglectful, &/or toxic, & manipulative family members. It’s often children who end up in this role.

They may sense that the family is toxic & in pain (subconsciously or consciously). Instead of trying to fix it, they desperately try to pin bandaids on serious wounds (/met) & keep all attention on something positive. They don’t talk about serious things for long because it’s uncomfortable, so they deflect the tension with jokes, games, etc.

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What does this role look like?:

- seeks to be the center of attention (“attention wh*re”)

- constantly making jokes & goofing off

- desperately working to cover up the family’s pain through humor

- don’t talk about serious things for long

- might be laughing too hard/dramatically at jokes, &/or not laughing a normal amount (or even not laughing at their own jokes at all)

- may not self-reflect deeply (out of fear of what they’ll find)

- may stay in toxic relationships, because they’re used to putting bandaids on serious wounds (/met) & feel the need to make it work

- probably has an anxiety disorder, or multiple anxiety disorders

- might have depression

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What does this role feel like?:

- anxiety & tension

- uncomfortable around serious topics

- “oh no they’re fighting again, ¿how do I make it stop?”

- shame if your attempts don’t work

- fear of rejection

- intense need to make toxic relationships of all kinds work out / seem safe & good

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If you were also put in this role, you deserve better & I hurt with you. You can heal & break out of this role, & you’re allowed to (not that you need my permission, but I know it can be reassuring to hear/see someone say it anyway).

If your sibling is in this role, it’s not your fault (it’s your parents’/caretakers’/egg &/or sperm donor’s/donors’ fault). You may want to gently let them know you care about them even when they can’t joke around, & that it’s okay to feel pain & discomfort.

¿Why would someone end up in this role?:

In brief, this is a role of a toxic family. This happens in neglectful, abusive, &/or toxic, & manipulative families.

Someone has to keep the chaos of the family together. Without a Doer of some kind (who’s often also a Golden Child &/or Hero &/or Mascot) to keep the family appearing functional, people may find out the family isn’t as perfect & functional as it appears. (/semi srs, kind of snarky) Another role that places bandaids on serious wounds (/met, srs).

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¿What does this role look like?:

- takes action to get things done

- “Often this is the stereotypical mother who coordinates the schedules of her children, cooks meals, and handles household chores. This can also happen with older daughters whose mothers have passed away or are not able to be emotionally present, as they take on the responsibilities of a parent.”

- they refuse to rest until everything is done

- might police other family members when they’re not as productive because lack of things getting done is ‘✨bad✨’

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- Possibly never goes to a doctor for themselves even if in serious pain

- never or almost never says no

- seems productive & healthy on the outside

¿What does this role feel like?:

- Anxiety & guilt over resting & asking for help

- Anxiety & guilt & shame if they ever have to accept help

- Must. Be. Productive.

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- anger at themselves (stemming from fear) anytime they have to rest &/or ask for / accept help from others

- chronic fatigue

- struggles to rest because it feels “lazy”

- ✨anxiety✨ & fidgety any time they sit still or are otherwise unproductive

- anger/resentment

- saying no causes a lot of anxiety & may cause identity confusion

If you were put in this role, you deserve better & I hurt with you. You are allowed to rest & your worth is not determined by your productivity. You can heal & break out of this role, & you’re allowed to (not that you need my permission, but I know it can be reassuring to hear/see someone say it anyway).

If your sibling/parent/etc. is in this role, it’s not your fault (it’s your parents’/caretakers’/egg &/or sperm donor’s/donors’ fault, or another family member who put them in that role). You may want to gently let them know you care about them even when they need to rest.