oh damn! i listened to a lot. i've been obsessed with eyes open by taylor swift.

I hate that I'm thinking this way right now, I really do. I'm trying not to make this into a huge negative thing, I'm just really bothered for some reason. I was trying to be an actress/other things. I haven't exactly given up yet, but my life is kinda' on hold right now due to my health and a million other things. I've had lots of time to observe things from afar, and take a good honest look at myself. I don't Effing like what I see, I just don't. Does Emzee have low self esteem? Oh, GUILTY. I'm won't even try to deny it. I don't like my face, I don't like my body, and if you asked me what I chance about myself, you'd get the obvious answer. 

Everything.

I hate being like that, but I mean it's the truth, I'm just trying to be honest with others, and myself. I cry when I look in the mirror. Which is slightly screwy because I'm a make up whore, I'm always looking into a freaking mirror. I don't get upset literally every single time I see my reflection, it honestly depends on the day. But, the reason why I hold so much shame for this because I really don't have a clue as to why I feel the way I do.  I seriously don't like it.

I know it has a lot to do with my childhood, I know that. It's not that I don't love myself, because I really do, it's just sometimes I get way to angry with myself, way too easily. I always Eff things up, just....ALWAYS. And it's so frustrating because I don't mean it, I just have a bad habit of being girl who knocks something expensive over. Or says the wrong damn thing about the person who's standing behind me. Yes, I'm that person. Just slap me across the face now, and get it over with. My point is, I have enough issues, and being so Effing unattractive just adds onto the the pile of nonsense that is my life. Now, I know, you're probably sitting there all....

....but stay with me, I'm not done, not just yet. Oh yeah (Emzee Rambles). So, there are a lot of people I talk to throughout my days who get like SUPER pissed off at me, because of my esteem. Or....lack there of. I can't say I blame them, because I come off as being negative all the time, but I don't mean to. People confuse negativity with my honesty almost as much as they confuse my niceness with being a creeper.(That really makes me wanna' bawl BTW). Anyways, it is very unfortunate, and I know that, I understand. I see myself in a different light than some. I've been working on it though, so please don't beat me up just yet, because believe it or, I still have things to say. Most people reading probably just went....

So back to the whole me acting thing. I think it's something I was meant to do, I guess you could say I'm...

for it. I even went to college for it, but I feel like it was bit of a waste. Not to say I didn't learn anything, because I did. However, I think I should have just gone with my instincts, and avoided college all together. Thing is, I see what my competition is, and it's not okay. It's just not It's actually kinda'

I'm gonna' use Glee as an example, ONLY because it's one of my favorite shows. And before I say a futher muckin' word, I just wanna' make something REALLY clear.

*Clears Throat*

I'M NOT BASHING GLEE OR ANYONE OF THE CAST I AM SIMPLY TRYING TO MAKE A POINT.THAT IS ALL.

Sorry, that needed to be said because I really don't think I could handle getting my ass kicked by Gleeks from around the world. I mean, I'd die. I'd see them coming, and my heart would stop. It would kinda' be like having Dianna Agron look at my like this:

HOLY BALLS!

Anyways, it's like this. Lea Michele, Dianna Agron, Naya Rivera, Amber Riley, Heather Morris, Jenna Ushkowitz <--- Just had to look that up....Ashley Fink...yeah, I have this annoying need to point out that.... *Grabs Megaphone* THEY ARE ALL SO MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN I AM! Am I blaming them for my ridiculously low self esteem? 

But, see that show, and that cast is now what every one else is trying to live up to. Which in my mind, simple as it maybe, means that those actresses are who us newer actresses, are up against, talent wise, and in terms of looks. And that really sucks sack, I'm sorry but it does. I'm not saying they were cast based on what they look like, because I know that isn't the case. So don't EVEN go there, lol. As previously stated, I'm not trying to personally attack anyone on that show, I love and respect that cast for who they are and what they do. This isn't anybody's fault but my own, because I suck at like and think way too far into certain things. Well, that and I have this annoying thing where I try to make more than one point within a single statement. I'm doing that right now. But, yeah....moving right along, Glee is fantastic, the cast is a cluster f*ck of absolutely beautiful people. It just makes me feel unworthy of standing in front of a camera ever :) YaY! This is something I will get over, I know it doesn't seem like it since this has become the world's longest blog. It's not just Glee that sends my mind on a field trip of emotions, confusion, and pure frustration. FOX is a great network. So is ABC Family, but they mess with my head as well.

The show Pretty Little Liars is also one of my favorite shows(If I don't find out who "A" is soon, my head is gonna' go BOOM)....but it confuses me. The four main girls are pretty, and skinny. Nothing wrong with that, don't worry I'm actually going somewhere with this. 

The show Huge, also a good one. It's about people at a "Fat Camp". Nothing wrong with that either. My point is, would have been so wrong for one of the girls on Pretty Little Liars to have been a big girl? I'm not trying to nit pick <----could go the rest of my life without using that phrase.....but, I find it slightly ironic that all the girls in Pretty Little Liars, are skinny, when the show title has the word "Pretty" in it. That's not a judgement, it's just an observation. A weird one, and I can't help but wonder is anyone else has ever wondered the same thing.(Ha! Probably not though!) I need to shut up, I know that, I'm sorry. I doubt anyone has actually read this far. Those of you who have, thanks for reading my mindless rant, and bare with me, I promise I'll be done soon. 

Back to the whole, I suck at having self esteem thing....it's low. Not always, just lately because I'm a very un-loving environment. I'm working on it, but the thing is, it's a pretty weird way. It's not healthy, but right now I think it's just something I have to do. Instead of digging within' myself, and driving myself coconuts with all my crazy self hate, I go by what other people say. NOT IN THE WAY YOU'D THINK. People get pissed at me for thinking bad things about myself, so when they tell me what they like about me, THAT is what I try to remember. THAT is what I go back to in my mind. When and if I make it back into the world acting, and auditions THAT is what I will remind myself of. There are people out there who like my face, there are people out there who think I'm pretty. Just because I'm not one of them, doesn't really have to mean anything. Okay, for Eff sake, I'm done talking. You are now free to be all:

This is a poem I wrote a long time ago, but because I read something tonight, because I've had a very emotionally draining day, I remembered it. It's a poem called "Everything I Am", and it's mainly about Love. 

Because I am a Gleek, and because I believe in Love above all else, I decided to recite, and post this poem. I've been feeling very lost lately. Very sad, very out of my element, so what I do sometimes, when that happens to me, is I read. I ventured on over to FanFiction.net and I read a Santana/Brittany story. I'm not going to say which one, only because that is not the main reason I decided to post this. It is a part of it, though. My day, my night, how I feel right now, reading this story, all took me back to this poem that I wrote like three....maybe even four years ago. I love the show Glee for all that it is, so the whole Brit & Santana thing really touches my overly sensitive heart. Regardless, I hope this poem will inspire people, and have the same effect that it's had on me.