#z list

kazuha is very involved in the war against the shogun's forces

he's not the vengeful type, but his determination to end the vision hunt decree is evidently stronger than most

it makes sense why, but when kazuha gets passionate about something, he tends to develop a dangerous one-track-mind

he doesn't come to you whenever this happens -- it's usually up to you to seek him out and help him take a step back to clear his head

but what are you supposed to do when he goes to others instead?

it started a few weeks ago when kazuha asked to have a word alone with kokomi.

he'd been tense for the entire day for reasons beyond you, and whenever you tried to pick his brain about it, he would give you a forced smile and a light kiss to your forehead. after that, every time you approached him in hopes of easing his worries, he would cut conversations short and dodge your questions, his face becoming shadowed with something you couldn't place.

eventually, you saw kazuha making his way to kokomi's war room on your way back from gorou's office. you didn't think anything of it at first since there was really no reason to, but as you passed by on your way out of the building, you could hear a part of their conversation.

"and why didn't you tell your partner this, kazuha?" kokomi said, her voice softened with sympathy. "they would be able to help you far better than i can."

kazuha was silent for a few seconds. "there are some things i don't think they would understand if i told them."

you hated eavesdropping, so you didn't stick around to listen further. but his words have been on your mind ever since then.

in the weeks that followed, you had to convince yourself that kazuha wasn't acting strange. his smile stopped reaching his eyes fully, and he started to take more time to himself -- at least, it seemed that way. that kind of behavior isn't out of character for kazuha; he's a solitary man who values his well-being. he's far from selfish, but he's also far from sacrificial. you told yourself during those weeks that he was just being his usual self -- this is just kazuha being kazuha. maybe you're just on edge because of the passing conversation you'd heard.

then, he started avoiding you.

again, you tried to reassure yourself that he was just overwhelmed by the talks of war. no matter how formidable someone may be, they're not immune to the mental strain that war can put on them. kazuha is far more sensitive than he lets on; of course he'd be affected by this. you told yourself that it was perfectly normal for him to miss your calls of his name or look past you at times.

it comes to a head when aether approaches you.

your best friend scooches next to you as you go over some of the plans for the next excursion kokomi has planned and nudges your shoulder with his own. "how're you feeling?" he asks. you don't answer him right away, so he pushes his head between you and the papers, forcing his blonde hair in your face. "ooh, these look important."

"aether!" you splutter and laugh, pushing him away. he gives you a cheeky grin. "do you do this to everyone?"

"nope, just you." he answers, bumping shoulders with you again.

you consider yourself to be one of the luckiest people on teyvat to have formed a such a tight bond with the famed traveler. you two are thick as thieves and future travel partners; aether refused to leave you behind once the mess in inazuma is taken care of. you agreed without hesitation and so did kazuha, who refused to be without you, which grew your party from three to four.

you sigh and set aside your paperwork. "alright, well, you have my attention. what do you want?"

the traveler wrinkles his nose at you. "rude. paimon is with the other soldiers having lunch, so i decided to come and check up on you."

"lunch again? isn't this her fourth lunch of the day?"

"i thought we agreed to never question her eating habits."

"fair enough." you chuckle. "i'm alright, though. i'll eat later, if that's what you're gonna ask.

aether squints. "and how many times have you said that today?" you start to count on your fingers and your best friend scoffs and jumps to his feet, tugging you along with him. "i can't believe you. i'm making you some food right now."

"but the plans--"

"they can wait," aether's tone is sharp, but it's laced with fondness. "we're going on a lunch date right now. i haven't spoken to you in a while, anyways."

he's right; it's been a few days since you've spoken to anybody, really. you haven't even so much as seen kazuha during that time. the very thought makes you press your lips together. aether doesn't say another word as he takes you over to a fire pit with cooking materials nearby and gets straight to work. you were looking forward to spending time with him at first, but now that you've realized that it's been literal days since you've seen kazuha, you feel a pit growing in your stomach as you sit nearby.

did you do something wrong? if there's ever a problem, he's usually the first to notice and address it. you two have been together so long because you're so quick to resolve issues before they become too serious. you frown at the fire that aether started. sure, you two are good at solving problems, but how would you even have a problem with him when you haven't spoken to each other properly in weeks? the more you think about it, the less sense it makes.

"hey, are you listening?" aether's voice suddenly filters in and you blink up at him. golden eyes soften with concern. "are you okay? you're thinking pretty hard."

you nod stiffly, unsure if you're lying or not. "yeah, i just... there's a lot going on. or... not going on, i guess?"

your best friend hums and returns to his rummaging through the crates of food. "tell me what's up," he says over his shoulder. you hesitate for a second but end up telling him about everything; about what you heard, about kazuha's weird behavior, and about how you haven't seen him in a while. when you're finished, aether crosses his arms. "and you just let this go on for... what, a month?"

you grimace. it has been a month, hasn't it? "i didn't mean to. plus, we're both busy people and i don't wanna come across as clingy. he probably hates that." you clasp your hands together nervously. "have you at least seen him in the past few days? is he okay?"

"the fact that you have to ask me that is so..." aether sucks in a sharp breath and turns back to the pot with a dramatic sigh. you figure he's holding back his frustration for your sake. "i've seen him here and there," he says as he stirs something in the pot, "mostly with kokomi. they've been talking a lot lately, but i don't know why."

the pit in your stomach suddenly feels bottomless. is that what he's been up to? you start to reason with yourself immediately, but the second you do, aether puts a hand on your shoulder.

"you didn't know that, did you?" his question is spot on, so you stay quiet. the blonde frowns. "talk to me," he says, sitting beside you.

"you gonna let the food burn this time?" you try to joke with him, but it's half-hearted at best. aether doesn't so much as crack a smile, so you sigh and say the first thing that comes to mind. "i'm not good enough, am i?"

your words startle not just aether, but yourself. they feel like they came from your chest; from somewhere so deep that you almost feel relieved that you've finally let it out. you're bothered by how light you feel, but you can't stop.

"kokomi's perfect, we all know that." you continue. "i'm just... me. he tells her things that he won't tell me, his literal partner. i'm obviously lacking if he's willing to hide something from me for this long. i tried to let it go because, i mean, he could just be talking war strategy, but to ignore me..?"

a warm thumb brushes over your cheek and you blink at aether a few times, clearing your watery vision. you sniff and wipe at your eyes. "shit." you grumble. you really didn't think you were hurt enough to cry over this, but now that you've acknowledged it, the tears just keep coming.

aether gently guides your head to his shoulder. "you can cry, you know." he rubs a small circle on your back. "it's not like i'm going to judge you. but i don't want you comparing yourself to kokomi; you aren't her."

and that's the problem, isn't it?! you want to scream. if you were kokomi, maybe kazuha would talk to you, would pay attention to you. he'd probably smile at you and confide in you the way he used to. if you were kokomi, you would have his trust, because if the conversation you overheard was anything to go on, he clearly doesn't trust you enough to share what was on his mind. your throat threatens to close.

"i feel like a spoiled brat." you make another feeble attempt at lightening the mood, but aether doesn't let you. "here i am, crying to my best friend because my boyfriend doesn't pay attention to me."

"that's not the only reason why you're crying and you know it." the traveler pats you twice and stands so he can finish making the food. "if you ask me," he says from the pot, "you need to corner him and ask him why he's avoiding you. we all know that kazuha will listen to you."

would he, though? he'd been half-listening to you for weeks before he just disappeared altogether. the fact that he hasn't come to you for days must mean that he's been meaning to do this for a while, hasn't he? your lips tremble as you remember the way his eyes would crinkle whenever you spoke about something you loved. was he just... humoring you?

were you alone in this?

you close your eyes and try to get ahold of yourself. kazuha isn't one to fake something as meaningful as a relationship like the one you two have, especially not for so long. your boyfriend prioritizes honesty and is one of the most sincere people in all of teyvat. he wore his heart on his sleeve just for you, even when he admitted to you that that was hard to do. as composed as he may appear, kazuha fumbled gracefully through the early stages of your relationship, covering up his mistakes with the flowers that never seemed to stop falling from his lips. it was endearing how he went to such lengths just to hold your interest and impress you, even if it wounded his pride at times.

so no, you weren't alone in this relationship -- you've just hit a rough patch. admitting that to yourself does very little for your self-esteem, but it does pacify you for the time being.

"i guess i'll talk to him later." you murmur when aether puts some food in front of you. it's chicken tofu pudding -- something he takes immense pride in being able to cook. you stifle a laugh at the accomplished look on his face. "don't look so proud of yourself, i haven't even touched it yet. what if it tastes terrible?"

aether allows this joke to land this time and pretends to swing at you with the spoon in his hand. "i cook for you out of the kindness of my heart and you make fun of it? i'll take it back, you ungrateful beast."

"'beast'?" you gasp, offended. "just for that, i'll eat everything and leave you to starve."

he huffs a soft laugh through his nose. "so long as you eat, who cares. do you feel any better?" his smile warms when you nod. "you're lucky i love you. now eat and go talk to kazuha. but i'm warning you, the next time you cry because of him, i'll kick his ass."

"language," you mutter through a mouthful of food. the two of you bicker and chatter over your meal before he sends you off with a wave. feeling emboldened by your talk, you set off to find your partner right away.

finding kazuha is much easier than you thought it'd be. for the first time in days, you spot him sitting alone with his back against a tree, his eyes closed as he turns a leaf over in his fingers. you shuffle on your feet anxiously as you try to talk yourself into going over to him. you feel the way you did at the very beginning; too nervous to approach him in fear of upsetting or disturbing him. you dig your heels in and walk over anyways. the longer you took to talk about this, the longer it would go on, and the worse you would feel.

you're a couple steps away when kazuha opens his eyes and looks up at you. his lips curl into the same smile you remember him giving you before things took a turn. "hello, dove," he greets you. his eyes seem to sparkle. "it's been a while. i'm sorry i haven't been able to make time for you."

there's no calming the butterflies that take flight in your stomach. there's so much affection lacing his voice and so much warmth in his eyes that you almost forget why you were here in the first place. you walk a bit closer and sit so your thighs are touching. it's the most contact you've had in weeks, and you feel your skin tingling. the effect kazuha has on you is really something worth exploring.

"it's, um..." you curse yourself for being so cowardly. aether didn't make that meal for you for nothing; you have to say something. you inhale sharply. "i-it's not okay, kazuha. we need to talk."

there it is, finally out in the open. your boyfriend shifts so he can look at you properly, but you don't meet his eyes. "what's troubling you?" he asks. he reaches for your hand but you jerk back, and you can almost feel his worried frown. "dove?"

"kazuha, you... have been acting weird for like, a month." you don't waste a second. you don't want this on your conscience anymore -- you can't take it. "you haven't been yourself."

"how so?" again, he tries to reach for your hand, but you dodge his touch for your sanity.

"it's just... i know we're busy with this war but you've almost been ignoring me, and i-i don't know what i did wrong, if anything. you wouldn't even look me in the eye a few weeks ago." you chuckle mirthlessly; you're the one unable to make eye contact now. "if you needed space, i would have appreciated it if you just told me; i shouldn't have had to find out from aether that you're talking to kokomi normally and not me."

kazuha doesn't say anything. you keep going despite your steadily warming face. you think you sound hysterical.

"the fact that kokomi gets to know what's on your mind while i'm left grasping at straws is... it hurts, kazuha." your voice cracks against your will and kazuha's fingers brush yours. you don't pull away this time. "i know she's better than me but at the very least, can you let me know if there's something bothering you? i hate this; i hate feeling like i'm not enough for you. because you--"

your throat tightens. you deserve better rests on the tip of your tongue but doesn't make it out. that was the missing piece that you couldn't find earlier; you're suffering because you think kazuha deserves better than you, and the only person you can think of who fits that bill is kokomi. you don't resent her for it -- you resent the fact that you were born with so little talent in comparison to her. you think yourself so inferior to her that you're starting to want to cut this conversation short and hide from kazuha forever. your fingers twitch with the urge to pull away again; you don't think you even deserve to touch him like this anymore. you have to force yourself to keep speaking.

"you deserve better." you finally say. again, there's that feeling of relief. a weight is lifted from your chest and you take a deep breath as the knot in your throat undoes itself. how long have you thought this? "i just... i don't know. i just had to get that off my chest." now that you feel so light, you realize how final that last statement sounded. you hazard a glance at kazuha's face and feel the weight return when you see the distress in his eyes. you start to tell him that he doesn't need to respond, but he speaks anyways.

"i think the first thing i should do," he says, smoothing his thumb over the back of your hand, "is offer you my apologies -- one of many, anyhow." something akin to regret darkens his features for a second. "i hadn't meant to worry you like that, love. i have been close with kokomi because i was offering extra assistance in the war. she actually had to force me to stay out of it after a while, if you'd believe me."

honestly, you don't think you could not believe him. gorou warned you not too long ago that kazuha's determination to bring things to a close in favor of his fellow vision holders would be his undoing. he was pushing himself much too hard; you have a feeling it has something to do with tomo, but you don't mention it. you understand why he's been so distant, but...

"then why were you avoiding me?" you ask. "you didn't have to tell me everything if you didn't want to, but you were acting as though i was a stranger, kazuha. at the very least, you could have explained that you weren't feeling like yourself because you were working so hard. i could have helped you."

kazuha winces slightly. "i would like to apologize for that as well. i suppose i was so far in my own mind that i thought i told you. by the time i realized that i hadn't, i thought it was too late, and... i didn't want to drag you down the hole i was digging myself into." he brings your knuckles to his forehead and sighs. "to think that my oversights would bring you so much pain. i don't know what came over me."

your eyebrows twitch. his reasoning is irritating, but vaguely along the same lines as your own; after some time passed, you didn't think saying something about your concerns was going to yield any positive results, so you stayed quiet. you can't allow him to take all the blame. you should have spoken up as soon as you heard him speaking to kokomi -- it would have been embarrassing, but you wouldn't be here in this situation if you did. even if you didn't come clean then, you should have cornered him when you had the chance. "i should have said something earlier." you confess with a sigh. "this isn't entirely your fault. i let this go on for too long; don't shoulder everything like this."

kazuha lowers your hand with a hum. "that may be true however, i'm still capable of telling you when i'm unwell, and i didn't." he cradles your cheek with a hand, scarlet eyes filling with remorse. "had i said something before, you would likely not be comparing yourself to her."

"actually, i think i would have done that regardless." you blurt, chuckling in spite of yourself.

"i don't know how much good my words will do," kazuha takes your face in his other hand, "but i hope you believe me when i say i don't deserve better; i deserve you. there's no one better than you for me in my eyes, love."

your heart skips a few beats and you blame the lack of contact you've had with him. you're still unclear on how long you've felt that way about yourself -- perhaps you were so deep in your love for kazuha that you managed to suppress it. you believe kazuha wholeheartedly, but now that these thoughts have been set loose, there will never be a moment where at least one of them isn't running rampant. there will always be that spark of doubt lurking deep within, no matter how much you want to stamp it out. but you can't deny that for now, kazuha's done one hell of a job extinguishing that flame before it could get too big.

you relax into his touch and his reassuring words, clinging to the hope with all your might. "thank you." you murmur. "i don't mean for you to profess your undying love for me or anything, i just... really needed to hear that."

kazuha doesn't look as content as you are beginning to feel. "i'll never forgive myself for making you think like this. how can i make it up to you, dove? tell me anything; i'll do it."

he sounds like he's expecting a punishment of some sort. you move to kiss his forehead, smiling slightly when you see him blink at you in surprise. "you said you didn't want to drag me down with you." you flick the spot on his forehead that you kissed and giggle when kazuha's fingers fly to the area. "but i'm your partner; i'm willing to follow you to the ends of teyvat and back. drag me anywhere you wish."

finally, kazuha cracks a boyish smile of his own. "you may want to mind your words, petal. what if i drag you somewhere unpleasant?"

you hum and ignore the way your ears start to burn at the new nickname. "how unpleasant would it be if you're there with me?" as soon as the words leave your mouth, you scrunch your nose. "ugh, i'm starting to sound like you."

"you're getting there." he chuckles.

the relief you felt earlier was nothing compared to what you're feeling right now. you rest your head on kazuha's shoulder and nose at his neck. he shivers and wraps his arms around you. "i missed you." you whisper. "so much."

"and i, you." kazuha's voice is barely above a low rumble. he pulls you closer and you sigh, content. "forgive me for being so inattentive. i'll do better, i promise."

you kiss at his neck gently. "i forgive you, i do. but remember that you're not the only one at fault. we learned our lesson, didn't we?"

kazuha makes a low sound of agreement and rests his head on yours. "we did." a few beats of silence, then: "i love you." his profession is soft, carried on the breeze that rustles your clothes and the leaves overhead. "i love you so much, dove."

"and i, you." you repeat his earlier words and shut your eyes. "so much."

✧ SCREAMING AND CRYING BECAUSE I FINALLY GOT SOMETHING OUT AAAAAAAA

"'bedo." you call his name softly.

albedo looks up at you, his expression smoothing out for a second before he winces slightly. "yes, love?"

you can tell he's trying to act like he's not in pain. albedo will do just about anything to keep up with his courses, even if it meant giving himself a migraine. you frown. "you're doing it again."

albedo immediately knows what you're talking about. he turns his eyes back to his work regardless, though he doesn't seem to be focused on it. "i know." he says with a sigh. "i don't want to stop just yet; i should at least get this done before the day is over."

"is it urgent? when is it due?"

"in about two weeks."

"albedo." you deadpan. your boyfriend takes in a breath and you pinch the bridge of your nose. sometimes he's too good of a student. you make your way behind him to drape your arms around his shoulders and lean close to his ear. "hey." you mumble.

he straightens his back a little. "hello."

"you know what i'm gonna say, don't you?"

"...yes."

you press a gentle kiss to the shell of his ear and feel him shiver. "then get up," you whisper, "and let's go eat. you've worked hard enough."

albedo leans back into you with a sigh. you're lucky enough to have a partner who knows his limits. he makes a quiet humming sound. "i have a headache." he confesses. "so i suppose you're right. thank you, my star."

college boyfriend!albedo who...

...is definitely a stem double major, and one of those majors is astronomy because i said so.

...calls you his star. (yes i made him an astronomy major for this reason, no i am not changing it.)

...takes you along when he's assigned to do some stargazing. he'll be busy doing work, but if you lay your head in his lap or on his shoulder while he does, he'll stop every once in a while to talk to you or kiss you. (you affectionately refer to it as "kiss breaks".)

albedo puts down his pen and raises his hand to your head that's resting on his shoulder. "are you still awake?" he asks. in response, you make a sound between a hum and a tired groan which has him laughing. "i'm sorry, starlight. i know it's late. do you want me to take you home?"

you shake your head with a silent yawn. "no, it's fine. don't want you to be out here by yourself."

you're not sure what time it is, but you know it has to be well after one in the morning. thankfully it's the weekend, so there's really no rush for albedo to complete his assignment or for the two of you to return to your apartment. you reach for his now free hand. "are you almost done?" you ask.

"almost." albedo confirms for you. he curls his fingers with yours. "i can finish up early if you'd like me to. i don't want you to fall asleep out here."

you shrug. "wouldn't be the first time. don't worry about it, 'bedo; take your time."

your boyfriend hums and lets go of your hand to pick up his pen, but stops before he can write again. "this counts a break, doesn't it?" he suddenly asks.

you can't understand what he means in your tired haze. "i guess so. why?" you furrow your brows as you try to think about why he'd ask something like that. it doesn't hit you until a few seconds, and you sit up straight with the realization. "oh, right!" you smirk at him. "you could've just asked for a kiss the normal way, you know."

albedo flushes a light pink. "i figured you would know what i meant right away."

that's his way of admitting he was to embarrassed to say it out loud. you chuckle and lean in, sighing when he brings his hand up to cup your face. the kiss is unhurried, courtesy of albedo. it almost seems like he's stalling for time with the way he drags it out, moving his lips against yours like he has all the time in the world. he's soft and addicting, and you think he still tastes like the sweets you'd brought along to keep him awake.

but you know he still has work to do, so you break the kiss and try to pull away. he doesn't let you get very far. "can't believe i'm saying this," you murmur against his lips, "but you gotta get back to work."

to your surprise, albedo pulls you back in gently, muttering a soft "not yet". you don't get the chance to protest as he slots his lips over yours once more.

college boyfriend!albedo who...

...is the king of flattering off-guard photos. not only is every photo that he's taken of you perfect, but every one that you have of him is almost model quality. you'd think he was posing for you every time if you didn't know him any better.

...draws in his free time and is part of the photography club on campus. it's a little hard to believe that albedo's not part of the art club (they've been trying to recruit him ever since his freshman year).

...has a pretty large folder on his laptop that's filled photos of you. off-guards, sketches that he's uploaded, photos of you with klee... you're his muse (and he does call you that, by the way).

...takes really long naps? it's never an hour or two, it's always about 4-6 hours long. really, you should just say he's sleeping, but he gets up from those naps and gets right back to work like nothing happened.

...sleeps like the fucking dead. he's a morning person because he's practically impossible to wake up. (hey, at least he sleeps.)