#yvrblog

“So, it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday.” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

All Aboard RelationSHIPS

The Art of Combining my Life with Yours

Hello, 

It’s Friday the 13th, I’m writing to you from a quaint coffee shop here in Gastown , Vancouver, BC.

It’s taken me a while to finally get to write this thing. (what’s new) 

But here we are…

So as per the results of my Instagram poll, this will be a conversation about what I believe it takes to be in a committed relationship. 

So often nowadays I hear of couples who once adored each other, who once talked about spending the rest of their lives together, break up for no apparent reason. Myself included.

No one’s cheated, no one’s physically hurt the other, no ones ultimately betrayed the other. So why are these relationships ending? Why is it that two people who once adored one another, suddenly decide that they’re no longer right for each other? Why are people, who say they eventually dream of getting married, end up giving up on their partner? I’m hearing reasons like; I just fell out of love. They just weren’t right for me. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore. They weren’t enough of this or too much of that… 

Here’s what I think:

We are quick to blame. We are quick to quit. We are quick to judge. We are quick to start looking for something better when we suddenly aren’t getting everything we want. We always want better. Though, perfect does not exist. I’m (now) a true believer in; “The grass is not greener on the other side, It’s greener where you WATER it.”

DISCLAIMER:

-These are only theories - based on my own experiences.

-These are not by any mean factual. They are merely perceptual. (as is anything in this world)

-I understand your experience might be very different than mine, which does not make your way of loving or living any less right.

-I will be talking about what it means to take responsibility for your choices and how you show up - this does not mean; to go ahead and blame yourself for circumstances that are clearly out of your control. Please remember that.

so without further a-do 

lets get crackin’!

First, take a moment to ask yourself what it means to you to be in a committed relationship? What does it mean to be in love? What does it mean to love someone? What does it mean to break up? What are your reasons to get out of a relationship? What are your reasons for not getting into a relationship in the first place? What do you ultimately want for yourself and your love life?

And now, are your choices reflecting the values you’ve set for yourself?

My definition of love and definition of a committed relationship has evolved in the past couple of years, in ways I truly never thought it would. I’ve dated my fair share of different individuals - choosing them solely based on how they made me feel. Based on how much giddiness they created for me. Blindly hoping, that this time, it would work out. Choosing them based on all the wrong reasons, based on all the wrong values. That being said, it didn’t mean I fell any less in love with them. Even if I was somehow picking the wrong people. I was madly in love every time. Or should I say; I was madly in lust. Either way, needless to say, these clearly never lasted. Except for my very first love, which was a bumpy ride of a relationship, & lasted for more than 3 years. 

Why do I think they never lasted? Truthfully, partly because I didn’t know how to take responsibility for my own actions. Also, I didn’t have the emotional language I have today to have been able to express myself properly. I was a bundle of emotions with no direction, no guidance. I don’t blame my ex-lovers for not being able to stick around, how were they supposed to know how to deal with me, when I didn’t even know how to deal with myself?

You can’t hold someone else accountable for the outcome of your relationship if you can’t hold yourself accountable for your own actions. 

This is a touchy subject, because all of what I’m saying is purely based on my experiences. Where you’re at in your journey and what you’ve determined you need right now, may not resemble me at all. And that’s ok. For now, for the sake of reading a blog, hear me out & let’s go for a ride.

First; I’d say in a “relationship”, but I’ll say “Friendship” ( because any couple should ultimately be great friends to begin with) there needs to be a mutual decision to be committed to one another. I’m not talking puppy love commitment . I’m not talking, “let’s be bf/gf until we’re not anymore” - - commitment. Not the - “I won’t cheat on you because I’m not technically allowed to, since I’ve called you my bf/gf already” commitment. I’m talking about the ; I consciously & consistently choose you. I choose you to be my teammate. I choose you to be my partner. I choose you to be my best friend. I’ve decided I won’t give up on you - that kind of  “committed to one another”. The commitment that goes beyond the initial attraction. The commitment that meets the other persons soul. The commitment that meets the other person half way, because they also choose you wholeheartedly.

Also you need to know, you have your own work to do in a relationship and your partner has theirs. You are, ultimately, 2 different entities. You can take responsibility for your half of the equation (and I’ll get into, how , in just a moment) but you absolutely cannot take all of it. 

You need to be vulnerable, not for your partner, but for yourself. Which means you identify when and why you feel what you’re feeling. 

Second; you have to have the will to make ends meet. Both of you. The will to work on your faults. The will to work together as a team to find solutions when you’re no longer calibrated, because kid you not, it will happen. If there’s no will there’s no way. 

You need to be honest, with your partner and yourself. Once you’ve identified what is going on, you voice it to your partner.

Then comes the compromise, the solution finding, and trial and error. 

This type of communication is not easy. 

NOT EASY. 

I think people nowadays underestimate what “Not Easy” means. It means it’s HARD. It’s uncomfortable. It means it’s not fun; it’s long, tedious, exhausting. Sometimes it feels hopeless. However, “Not Easy” does not mean, “Not Worth It”. 

I used to choose my men based on all the wrong reasons, to the point one day, I decided to have a checklist. I figured this was the perfect way of not dealing with bullshit. I believed this was exactly how I was going to pick the right person. The person that would be exactly what I wanted. Surely if they’re exactly what I want then it would last forever. 

Well that guy came along and it didn’t even last to the 4th month. So clearly lists and strict relationship diets are not 100% effective. I wanted someone that seemed like a “Fuck Yes” a no brainer - but easy turned out to be the hardest relationship I’ve had to this date, in the sense that it destroyed me. 

I then decided, I no longer had rules. I said yes to what ever the universe sent my way (get your head out of the gutter, not talking sex things)….. I said yes to meeting new people, people I would’ve otherwise never spoken to. I said yes to trips I would’ve otherwise not agreed to. 

During that time I said yes to someone who I’d been friends with for longer than I could remember. I said yes despite knowing it would not be an easy relationship if it were to ever turn into one. But I said yes. Because fundamentally we communicated properly, we knew who we were as individuals. There was definitely a sexual attraction there, we laughed, we enjoyed each other. I said yes to someone I otherwise wouldn’t have, and it was the best choice I ever made. It’s been wonderful and life changing. Anything but easy. I would be lying if I said there hasn’t been times where I wondered if it wouldn’t be easier to give up. 

Yes, it would be easier……. Somewhat.

Would it be worth it? To give up?

No.

Never. 

What has kept me holding on? Other than the fact, that I’m not only IN LOVE with him, but I simply love who he is as a human being.

Well! I want to get married one day. Which means I have already made the decision that I ultimately want to share my life with 1 person. I also know, no one is perfect. So then how am I supposed to justify wanting to be committed to one person if I run away when things get a little rocky?

If I give up, it means I was never fully committed in the first place. Which means I can’t expect anyone to be committed to me either.

Also, I find practicing at becoming a better human; growing intellectually, emotionally, and together, far more gratifying than having to start all over again every time. Any relationship will take work, will take calibration, due to the simple fact that 2 different human beings can’t always be on the same wave length. Shit just gets rocky sometimes. That’s fact. With anyone. So why would I want to drop all the hard work, for a temporary way out, just to start all over again with someone else down the road?! 

This will never be worth it to me. 

But yes, I have a limit. IF I’m finding the strength to communicate, to put the work in, I’m willing to try , try again……and try again. But if I’m asking for what I need and my needs can’t… not can’t but simply won’t be met, and the work isn’t reciprocated… Then there comes a time where I can’t do all the work myself. This could cause me to let go. IF I am betrayed, I’m talking, cheated on or hurt to the point of no return… I’ll let go. 

They’re called relationSHIPS for a reason, it isn’t always smooth sailing. There’s going to be waves and some rockier than others. Love takes work. It’s not just about a feeling. It’s either you’re on board or you can take your life raft back to shore. 

No do not stay in something that is toxic. Do not take responsibility for something that is out of your control either. If your partner lacks commitment, that is not a You problem. If you showed up 100% for yourself and your partner and tried your best at all times then that’s all you can do. However, If the relationship didn’t cause any real harm to you, & you haven’t fully given it a chance, you bail, know that this was your choice. Take full responsibility. It wasn’t because that person wasn’t right for you, It’s simply because you chose to decide she wasn’t. If you haven’t taken the time to ask for what you needed, If you didn’t give the person the chance to give that to you - If you blamed falling out of love as though this was out of your control, know that you did not commit to the relationship. This isn’t right or wrong, it is what it is, but take responsibility for it. I believe; If you’ve fallen for them before, you can fall for them again, question is, do you want to?

I’ll let you ponder…

on that note 

Chunks of my life

TAKE TWO , TABARNAK!

Okay, so ya’ll already know, it takes me close to years, to pop out a blogpost. I finally sit down and muster the time and dedication to hack one up. As I’m writing the last few words- my browser shuts down. WOOSAA…

Everything’s lost. 

Friggn WOOSA mang WOOSA…

Kay I think we all know how peeved I am….

Honestly I must really wanna hack one out, cuz here I am! Starting over. When really, my insides are screaming; chuck it in the fuckit bucket!

Okay I’m over it.

So Hello!

Here we are, 4 months past my last post. 4 months of magnificent procrastination.

Hey! At least it was a productive procrastination period. It’s not like I’ve been sitting on my sweet ass, doing sweet fuck all…

I’ve been acting, working, eating, sleeping… running around like a mofo. Like I said, quite the productive 4 months.

I know, I know, I said I would stop starting my posts with a lecture on how long it’s been since the last time I wrote… But heck, it’s been so long, someone needs to keep track!

These past 4 months have been hella busy! I’ve barely had time to think. Honestly, that’s partly why I haven’t buckled down to write. Who am I kidding? That’s the -only- reason why.

There’s been so many things happening, in such a short period of time. I never knew where to even begin. Do I write about the move? About my love life? Is my stress level a topic of interest?! Who the heck knows… All I know is that every time I attempted to jot down some kind of timeline, my head would spin. So there you have it!

Great now that we have that sorted out, lets start (for the second time) this blogpost! #HowBoutDat

Here we go!

In the previous, already written-blogpost (that decided to vanish); I had a clever intro explaining, my writing set-up and how I was binge eating my little brothers Halloween chocolates…blah blah, it was funny, blah blah… but now it’s gone so you’re not getting it.

Anyway, 10 Halloween candies later and 4 hours of work with nothing to show, here we are!

On my sisters’ bed, in Montreal, about to watch the sunset from her bedroom window, cuz you know…I’ve been here all day. I started the day by listening to the cutest coffee shop tunes, in my cute ass Pj’s, Insanely Cozy.

And now I’m listening to electronic beats purely to help me stay awake. I’m antsy AF!

This morning, I was excited to find a quiet cafe to spend the day. I love to be surrounded by coziness when I’m writing.

Lately, I seem to have caught a small case of homesickness. With no chosen cafe prospects, I stood there, looking around, wondering why I’m so quick to runaway to a coffee shop?! When I could just as easily get cozy at my parents house, surrounded by familiarity. So I did just that. That’s all the coziness I need. Soaking in as much of this place & soaking in as much time with my loved ones as I can, before flying back to my adopted hometown, Vancouver.

The BIG Move:

Last time I wrote, I had just done the BIG move. Barely settled, I was wondering why I wasn’t feeling the “Ecstatic- Jumping up and down- Can’t contain myself- Holy Fuck- Yay me!” feeling. I realised that, perhaps, I outgrew my own goals. That perhaps, my finish line was no longer the one I needed.

Throw it back 3 years ago; If any of you have been following my blog since the beginning, you’re aware of the EPIC fail of 2014. Where I had the clever idea to move across the country to be, (to depend) on a boy I met on vacation.

Safe to say, that didn’t last very long. From that moment on, I promised myself I would never let anything like that happen again! I became obsessed with my independence.

Forward to 2015; I had decided I would move to Vancouver, BC, in the fall of 2016. No matter what came my way. I got in contact with a friend of a friend of mine, in VanCity. Learned that his roommate was looking to sublet his room from October ‘til May, the following year. “AMAZING! This is perfect” I thought to myself. Given the extremely low rent (525$ / month, which is a joke for Vancouver!)  I just, couldn’t pass that opportunity up!

That winter, I started dating an old highschool buddy of mine. Trying not to think too far into the future, I went ahead with my plans despite the new relationship. But Oh, did we ever headbutt about my future plans, to not only move across the country- but to move in with a male roommate.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand where he was coming from. But I’d be damned if I would compromise my Vancouver dream, for a boy! Been there, done that, amiright?

But let me tell ya, wasn’t long before my - feminist- Girl power - ass, chilled for a minute when the BIG move was actually done.

The BIG Love:

Eric and I met in highschool. We became chummy chummy in English class, 9 years ago to be exact. Gahd Damn, time flies. Nine years since this kid started teasing me for over-acting our daily Shakespeare, in class, reads. We’ve been best buds ever since.

Eric moved out west, to Alberta after graduation, to work the Oil rigs. I moved back to Montreal from Ottawa, to study Acting. We kept in touch with our high school crew and somehow, always managed to meet up during christmas holidays, and summer vacays. We never went too long without seeing each other. We kept in touch like clockwork. I always saw Eric as one of my best friends. My mind never ventured too far from that idea. I had no clue he had an eye on me…sneaky sneaky boy.

Summer of 2015 , when Nomi and I decided to take my Yaris on a cross country trip out west, to live in Edmonton for the summer (myself, for the second time), Eric invited me out to lunch on a few occasions. He paid and everything! (what a gentleman) I thought he was just being a good friend!

That winter, Thanks to social media, Eric knew I was on my yearly trip back to Ottawa for a couple days at Christmas time. He managed to squeeze himself in my tight overnight schedule and took me out to dinner. After a great night and few glasses of wine later, out in the pouring rain, BOOM! He kissed me. & that was the end of that!

He’s been by my side ever since.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always a clear cut “FUCK Yes” the whole time. Remember, I was still - independence obsessed. I was doing this move no matter who or what came along! So I had a few months of rocking back and forth between “ I love him, can’t live without him. I just want to drop everything to be with him” and “ NO NO NO, FOCUS Girl. You’re a LadyBoss. Imma go do what I gotta do, to be where I gotta be!”. Because for some reason, I wasn’t able to find the middle ground. It was one or the other. We had a few struggles, but who doesn’t.

We always seemed able to find a way to communicate, work things out, and find our way back to one another.

The really effing BIG life:

A year later, I’m in Vancouver, at my friends place, though it didn’t take long for me to want my own space with Eric. It took a whole 2 weeks. Barely unpacked, I was already looking into apartment rentals.

Eric is gone ¾ of the time, for work. I only get the privilege to see him 7-10 days out of the month. We’re quite the social butterflies (when we wanna be) so that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that, I barely see him as it is, I need my alone time with him more than ever when I do see his face! My feminist- independence - obsessed- ass, chilled for a minute. I decided I needed my space with my boyfriend. A space where we could make as much noise as we want and not disturb anyone…Because our daily morning joke telling- meme watching - wrestling - pillow fighting routine can get rowdy. Anyway, I laugh like a hippopotamus, so really… It only made sense. 

Under 3 weeks of my living there, we managed to lock down an apartment. Two weeks later we were both moved in.

During that time, I had applied and started with lululemon (again). I also pressed “resume” on my acting career. I was taking as many “On set” gigs as I could get my hands on. We were busy busy bee’s.

I wanted to live the life I imagined for myself; and that’s a REALLY effing BIG life. I decided I was committing to my vision, & my goals. I finally chose to make my dreams a reality. Now, not only am I here, but we both are, together, moved into an apartment in the dead center of Yaletown, Vancouver, BC. Wow.

I’m getting paid to do what I love to do. Am I at the finish line? Not yet. Do I know what my finish line is? Not sure… I have an idea. If it’s what I think it is, I’m not quite there yet, but that’s A-Ok with me. I’m not there yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was 3 years ago!

And I’m hacking at it, bit by bit, everyday… Slowly but surely.

The “BIG Magic”:

“Big Magic” is a book written by the famous “Eat, Pray, Love” author, Elizabeth Gilbert. This book puts into words what it is to live a creative life beyond fear. 

This thing, full of words, not only allowed me to notice my own sparks of creativity, but allowed me to notice little miracles happening everyday. The more I pay attention, the more I believe everything happens for a reason! If I wouldn't’ve epically failed on my brilliant idea to move across the country with a boy from vacay, I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today. That’s my kind of BIG Magic. 

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer two months ago. She was taken into surgery and woke up cancer free. BIG Magic. I had been homesick for a while, I was anxious about not knowing when I’d get to go home next. I was always making excuses because I felt like I couldn’t rationalize spending that kind of money. 

As drastic as it may seem, when I found out my mom was being taken into emergency surgery, I could no longer rationalize NOT spending that kind of money. So I flew out first thing the next morning. I got to spend quality time with my close loved ones. I got to touch base & be home for a bit, she needed me as much as I needed her. Life found a way to make that happen. That’s BIG magic. 

It may not always look like it, or even feel like it, but BIG (little) magic happens all the time. You can witness the tiniest miracles, if you pay closer attention.

“Life happens for you, not to you” - to live a magical life, takes patience & lose the fear. Fear is No Bueno. You won’t need it, so chuck it in the fuckit bucket. AND LIVE A BIGASS LIFE

So there you have it folks. 

Until Next Time