Do you ever feel like you constantly contradict yourself?
Like you’ll have what is actually a pretty normal reaction to something, and then later you end up feeling guilty for it anyway. Sometimes I wonder if that just makes me a hypocrite. Honestly… Lord knows I’ve been one before.
Every now and then I’ll catch myself thinking about old memories — the embarrassing ones, the cringe moments we all try to forget. But for me it’s usually not just the awkward situations. It’s the reactions I had, the things I said, and the actions that followed them.
And the truth is, I don’t look back at my old self and think “that was a good person.”
I’ve lied. I’ve cheated. I’ve stolen. I’ve manipulated people, scammed, abused trust, and even forged things to get my way. I’m a recovering alcoholic now, but if I’m being honest, some of those behaviors existed long before the heavy drinking ever started. Back then I didn’t really think twice about it. I was just living life in my own little bubble where everything revolved around me.
I always found a way to twist the truth if it meant getting what I wanted. And if that didn’t work, I’d raise enough hell until things eventually landed in my favor anyway.
Looking back now… it’s hard to face.
Dating has always been another place where my contradictions show up. I’ve been jealous to the point where it almost scares me to even try another relationship. That side of me can absolutely eat me alive. I can’t even “chill” properly sometimes if I know my partner liked another girl’s picture the day before we went on our first date. I know how ridiculous that sounds when I say it out loud, but it’s real for me.
I’ve always been weird about female friends in relationships too. Some of it comes from experience, and some of it probably comes from insecurity. I know people can have opposite-sex friendships, but a lot of the time there are complicated layers there. Maybe one person liked the other at some point. Maybe they crossed a line once and stayed friends after. And suddenly the person trying to date them has to navigate all of that history.
And yes, I know this sounds like high school drama, but the truth is I dealt with a lot of this well into my twenties. Sometimes it makes me wonder if my generation is a little messed up from growing up with social media — a world where it’s easier than ever to hide things, cheat, lie, or keep one foot out the door.
Then you add influencers and impossible standards on top of that. Women are told we have to be sexy — but not too sexy. If you’re modest you’re a prude, but if you’re not you’re suddenly “too much.” It’s like the rules change every week.
With all of that noise constantly being shoved in our faces, sometimes I genuinely feel like I’m having an identity crisis.
Who am I actually supposed to be?
I’m also a survivor of an abusive narcissistic relationship, but the hard truth is that a lot of my issues started long before that. That relationship didn’t create all of my problems, and it wasn’t the sole reason for my drinking either.
So that leaves me with a question that hurts to ask:
How did I end up becoming the exact kind of person we always warned ourselves to stay away from?
That realization is heartbreaking.
Because that’s not who I thought I would grow up to be.
But the fact that I’ve been that person before doesn’t mean I have to stay that person forever.
I truly believe I’ve taken my guardian angel for granted at times. There are moments in my life where I know I probably shouldn’t have made it through, and somehow I still did. Even when I didn’t feel like I deserved that kind of grace.
But maybe that means something.
Maybe the fact that I’m still here means there’s a reason for it.
Right now I’m just trying to figure out what that reason might be.
