#mtlblogger

“So, it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday.” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

All Aboard RelationSHIPS

The Art of Combining my Life with Yours

Hello, 

It’s Friday the 13th, I’m writing to you from a quaint coffee shop here in Gastown , Vancouver, BC.

It’s taken me a while to finally get to write this thing. (what’s new) 

But here we are…

So as per the results of my Instagram poll, this will be a conversation about what I believe it takes to be in a committed relationship. 

So often nowadays I hear of couples who once adored each other, who once talked about spending the rest of their lives together, break up for no apparent reason. Myself included.

No one’s cheated, no one’s physically hurt the other, no ones ultimately betrayed the other. So why are these relationships ending? Why is it that two people who once adored one another, suddenly decide that they’re no longer right for each other? Why are people, who say they eventually dream of getting married, end up giving up on their partner? I’m hearing reasons like; I just fell out of love. They just weren’t right for me. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore. They weren’t enough of this or too much of that… 

Here’s what I think:

We are quick to blame. We are quick to quit. We are quick to judge. We are quick to start looking for something better when we suddenly aren’t getting everything we want. We always want better. Though, perfect does not exist. I’m (now) a true believer in; “The grass is not greener on the other side, It’s greener where you WATER it.”

DISCLAIMER:

-These are only theories - based on my own experiences.

-These are not by any mean factual. They are merely perceptual. (as is anything in this world)

-I understand your experience might be very different than mine, which does not make your way of loving or living any less right.

-I will be talking about what it means to take responsibility for your choices and how you show up - this does not mean; to go ahead and blame yourself for circumstances that are clearly out of your control. Please remember that.

so without further a-do 

lets get crackin’!

First, take a moment to ask yourself what it means to you to be in a committed relationship? What does it mean to be in love? What does it mean to love someone? What does it mean to break up? What are your reasons to get out of a relationship? What are your reasons for not getting into a relationship in the first place? What do you ultimately want for yourself and your love life?

And now, are your choices reflecting the values you’ve set for yourself?

My definition of love and definition of a committed relationship has evolved in the past couple of years, in ways I truly never thought it would. I’ve dated my fair share of different individuals - choosing them solely based on how they made me feel. Based on how much giddiness they created for me. Blindly hoping, that this time, it would work out. Choosing them based on all the wrong reasons, based on all the wrong values. That being said, it didn’t mean I fell any less in love with them. Even if I was somehow picking the wrong people. I was madly in love every time. Or should I say; I was madly in lust. Either way, needless to say, these clearly never lasted. Except for my very first love, which was a bumpy ride of a relationship, & lasted for more than 3 years. 

Why do I think they never lasted? Truthfully, partly because I didn’t know how to take responsibility for my own actions. Also, I didn’t have the emotional language I have today to have been able to express myself properly. I was a bundle of emotions with no direction, no guidance. I don’t blame my ex-lovers for not being able to stick around, how were they supposed to know how to deal with me, when I didn’t even know how to deal with myself?

You can’t hold someone else accountable for the outcome of your relationship if you can’t hold yourself accountable for your own actions. 

This is a touchy subject, because all of what I’m saying is purely based on my experiences. Where you’re at in your journey and what you’ve determined you need right now, may not resemble me at all. And that’s ok. For now, for the sake of reading a blog, hear me out & let’s go for a ride.

First; I’d say in a “relationship”, but I’ll say “Friendship” ( because any couple should ultimately be great friends to begin with) there needs to be a mutual decision to be committed to one another. I’m not talking puppy love commitment . I’m not talking, “let’s be bf/gf until we’re not anymore” - - commitment. Not the - “I won’t cheat on you because I’m not technically allowed to, since I’ve called you my bf/gf already” commitment. I’m talking about the ; I consciously & consistently choose you. I choose you to be my teammate. I choose you to be my partner. I choose you to be my best friend. I’ve decided I won’t give up on you - that kind of  “committed to one another”. The commitment that goes beyond the initial attraction. The commitment that meets the other persons soul. The commitment that meets the other person half way, because they also choose you wholeheartedly.

Also you need to know, you have your own work to do in a relationship and your partner has theirs. You are, ultimately, 2 different entities. You can take responsibility for your half of the equation (and I’ll get into, how , in just a moment) but you absolutely cannot take all of it. 

You need to be vulnerable, not for your partner, but for yourself. Which means you identify when and why you feel what you’re feeling. 

Second; you have to have the will to make ends meet. Both of you. The will to work on your faults. The will to work together as a team to find solutions when you’re no longer calibrated, because kid you not, it will happen. If there’s no will there’s no way. 

You need to be honest, with your partner and yourself. Once you’ve identified what is going on, you voice it to your partner.

Then comes the compromise, the solution finding, and trial and error. 

This type of communication is not easy. 

NOT EASY. 

I think people nowadays underestimate what “Not Easy” means. It means it’s HARD. It’s uncomfortable. It means it’s not fun; it’s long, tedious, exhausting. Sometimes it feels hopeless. However, “Not Easy” does not mean, “Not Worth It”. 

I used to choose my men based on all the wrong reasons, to the point one day, I decided to have a checklist. I figured this was the perfect way of not dealing with bullshit. I believed this was exactly how I was going to pick the right person. The person that would be exactly what I wanted. Surely if they’re exactly what I want then it would last forever. 

Well that guy came along and it didn’t even last to the 4th month. So clearly lists and strict relationship diets are not 100% effective. I wanted someone that seemed like a “Fuck Yes” a no brainer - but easy turned out to be the hardest relationship I’ve had to this date, in the sense that it destroyed me. 

I then decided, I no longer had rules. I said yes to what ever the universe sent my way (get your head out of the gutter, not talking sex things)….. I said yes to meeting new people, people I would’ve otherwise never spoken to. I said yes to trips I would’ve otherwise not agreed to. 

During that time I said yes to someone who I’d been friends with for longer than I could remember. I said yes despite knowing it would not be an easy relationship if it were to ever turn into one. But I said yes. Because fundamentally we communicated properly, we knew who we were as individuals. There was definitely a sexual attraction there, we laughed, we enjoyed each other. I said yes to someone I otherwise wouldn’t have, and it was the best choice I ever made. It’s been wonderful and life changing. Anything but easy. I would be lying if I said there hasn’t been times where I wondered if it wouldn’t be easier to give up. 

Yes, it would be easier……. Somewhat.

Would it be worth it? To give up?

No.

Never. 

What has kept me holding on? Other than the fact, that I’m not only IN LOVE with him, but I simply love who he is as a human being.

Well! I want to get married one day. Which means I have already made the decision that I ultimately want to share my life with 1 person. I also know, no one is perfect. So then how am I supposed to justify wanting to be committed to one person if I run away when things get a little rocky?

If I give up, it means I was never fully committed in the first place. Which means I can’t expect anyone to be committed to me either.

Also, I find practicing at becoming a better human; growing intellectually, emotionally, and together, far more gratifying than having to start all over again every time. Any relationship will take work, will take calibration, due to the simple fact that 2 different human beings can’t always be on the same wave length. Shit just gets rocky sometimes. That’s fact. With anyone. So why would I want to drop all the hard work, for a temporary way out, just to start all over again with someone else down the road?! 

This will never be worth it to me. 

But yes, I have a limit. IF I’m finding the strength to communicate, to put the work in, I’m willing to try , try again……and try again. But if I’m asking for what I need and my needs can’t… not can’t but simply won’t be met, and the work isn’t reciprocated… Then there comes a time where I can’t do all the work myself. This could cause me to let go. IF I am betrayed, I’m talking, cheated on or hurt to the point of no return… I’ll let go. 

They’re called relationSHIPS for a reason, it isn’t always smooth sailing. There’s going to be waves and some rockier than others. Love takes work. It’s not just about a feeling. It’s either you’re on board or you can take your life raft back to shore. 

No do not stay in something that is toxic. Do not take responsibility for something that is out of your control either. If your partner lacks commitment, that is not a You problem. If you showed up 100% for yourself and your partner and tried your best at all times then that’s all you can do. However, If the relationship didn’t cause any real harm to you, & you haven’t fully given it a chance, you bail, know that this was your choice. Take full responsibility. It wasn’t because that person wasn’t right for you, It’s simply because you chose to decide she wasn’t. If you haven’t taken the time to ask for what you needed, If you didn’t give the person the chance to give that to you - If you blamed falling out of love as though this was out of your control, know that you did not commit to the relationship. This isn’t right or wrong, it is what it is, but take responsibility for it. I believe; If you’ve fallen for them before, you can fall for them again, question is, do you want to?

I’ll let you ponder…

on that note