#yuulma

later on, when kanda walks in on alma having killed an entire room full of people. alma says that he has to kill kanda now too, with little explanation—but the boy remembers something—or rather, someone.

(im so sorry the image format is so confusing, since it's read right to left i wasnt sure if i should put pages in left to right or the opposite format. im also working on this with an empty stomach. im going to go eat something.)

(image description: four pages of d. gray-man from chapter 193. the top left image is numbered one, the top right is numbered two, the bottom right is numbered 3, and the bottom left is number 4. on the page numbered one, alma says, "it's good to see you again, yu. i have to kill you now." he's smiling, and kanda is looking at him with a bewildered expression. on the page numbered two, kanda is lying on the floor. he hallucinates flowers, and reaches his hand up. alma is standing on top of him. both are covered in blood. on the page numbered three, kanda's eyes tear up, and then he closes them. he has a vision of a woman. "SHWAK" as onomatopoeia appears with alma's arm. on the page numbered four, alma looks at kanda with wide eyes. "yu?" he asks. as kanda slashes alma with his sword again, he replies, "sorry. i want to live... even if that means destroying you!", and he thinks, "alma, my... my only...". then, kanda's face is focused on—his eyebrows are furrowed in frustration, and tears stream down his cheek.)

that’s twice in kanda’s childhood that he came close to dying, whether at his own hands or at the hands of someone else—and both times, he was snapped out of it by visions of someone he doesn’t even know... you see where im going with this, right?

in case this wasnt enough, there's also the fact that he said he couldnt die until he found "that person" again, in the ghost of mater arc.

(image description: a panel from chapter twelve of d. gray-man. kanda is bruised and bloodied. he says, "i cant die until i find that person".)

but you and i know how this, ends don't we? he has found that person. so, um, i'll let you come to your conclusions about that

2. habits

kanda is also a very self destructive person at heart. he's your stereotypical bad boy, you know? one of the first things he says when working with allen for the first time is, “im not gonna save your lousy ass if you get into trouble because it's just gonna slow me down so keep up you little shit” (this definitely isn't verbatim but you know what im talking about, right?)—in fact, he says this to multiple others as well, especially in the anime’s extra arcs. (fake ass emo, i caught you caring about your comrades.) and then, guess what! he saves people, like, multiple times! you dirty little liar kanda, going around saving people after you said you wouldn't. what an asshole, this guy should die. oh, wait!

anyway, not only is he saving people, but he's actively jumping in harms way just to keep them safe, even if it's at the price of his own wellbeing. the way i see it, his thought process is, “it'll heal eventually, so it doesn't matter.”

(also, this isn't exactly the BEST example of kanda’s self sacrificial habits because im pretty sure he doesnt tell komui “im not going to bother saving your ass” onscreen, even though we can infer he either has or acts like he won't, but it's the only example i have on me, sorry)

there's also, um, this panel, which evidently shows kanda's desire to live and stay healthy.

3. eyes

after alma dies, kanda returns to the order with that classic, cocky smirk of his. hell, even what he says is bratty. his eyes, however—they're so lifeless, especially compared to lenalee’s. perhaps, "devoid of purpose and joy" would be a better way to describe it.

(image description: two pages of d. gray-man from chapter 207. the left page is numbered one, and the right page is numbered two. on the left page, noise marie's teeth are grit, and tears begin to fall from his eyes. lenalee holds a hand up to her face as she tears up as well. kanda has a small smile on his face. marie says, "you were supposed to be free!" on the right page, kanda replies, "come on. just say, 'welcome home.'"

his eyes lack a shine here as well, when he says that he regrets not informing the order of the fourteenth’s appearance.

(image description: two pages of d. gray-man from chapter 210. on the left page, johnny asks, "really? why, kanda?". after a beat of silence, kanda replies, "i'm the one who caused him to awaken as a noah." "you mean at the north america branch? but that was because the earl used alma to... it wasn't your fault!" johnny protests. "i didn't care what happened to the order," kanda explains. nea taking over allen's face and eye is shown, and kanda gritting his teeth, as he conintues, "so when we were working in paris, i ignored the signs that allen was becoming an akuma." on the right page, he continues, "i didn't report it to komui. i just let it go, because i hated the order more than the akuma or the noah." kanda looks back at johnny with a smirk, whose face wavers. "but now, regret prevents me from dying peacefully," kanda says, fully turning back to look at johnny.)

kanda, the black order’s resident piece of shit, saying that he wants to die without regrets? im onto you, boy.

4. easier stuff

there’s also kanda’s first (technically second, if you think about his “i cant die until i find that person” thing) death flag, and the scene that kickstarted my obsession with the thought of him dying.

(image description: one page of d. gray-man from chapter sixteen. a doctor mutters to themself, "it can't be... the wound is gone." kanda is on call with komui, while a finder walks next to him. "it took a while to heal this time, kanda," komui says. "but it healed," kanda replies. "but if it's taking longer, that means it's starting to become defunct. make sure not to miscalculate what's left of your life," komui says, his face solemn. kanda is expressionless, hanging his uniform jacket on one arm. the symbol of his tattoo is shown.)

5. conclusion

kanda's death is something that's been foreshadowed since the first arc he was in, but it's really important to note that he's not just going to die, he's going to die of his own will. whether it be from suicide or accepting his fate in a battle (i bet he’s going to take a hit for allen, but im broke, so just trust me), he's certainly not long for this world.