Being this way hasn't always been a good thing for me. I've just been sitting here reflecting back on how bad it was, actually. This is the only place I ever found understanding and love as funny as it is to say. Don't think I'm taking it too lightly because I spent years in misery. I just think that must not be very indicative of the average person's perspective of yan.
I follow a lot of people who post gore and other stuff, which is more typically considered yan. I almost find it ironic. How just about all of my insecurities about dating were solved by some blanket anime character trope/term.
Wait, what do you mean? I don't have to be afraid of ghosting or cheating, and the only trade-off is I might be kidnapped and held for my love forever? That still sounds better to me lol. Just please don't leave me alone another second. If yandere existed on a dichotomy with fuck boys and hoes. I'd be leaning yan every time I swear.
A lot of people feel their obsessive tendencies are a bad thing, and that resonated with me the first time I heard it. You spend all this time wanting and waiting for love. Taking chances and making moves no one really understands. In today's dating climate, looking for simple love almost feels like a form of self harm. Other people almost try to condition you to look at it as such, and depending on what happened in your own experience. It can really look like they're right.
In my experience, being alone and longing twisted me into thinking I wasn't enough or I was too much. Either way, I was undesirable. I did a lot of self loathing too, had a lot of bad ideas floating around my head. I've only recently come to realize. When someone who decides to love you, it's not about that. I can show up as whoever I am, and it will always be enough to someone who truly loves you.
Most yans are between a rock and a hard place. I'm honestly one of the luckiest people to have made it out how I did. I almost died without ever getting this chance. So if one of you is reading this, here's my advice to you.
Don't think you're some kind of monster that's going to have to do something terrible to get what you want. Move a bit away from the sensationalized themes. Go back within yourself. You're as normal as anyone else. You like to think it makes you different but it's an instinctive thing that everyone desires to some extent. Everything you've experienced, and I mean everything, is what makes your perspective on it unique. That person you're interested in is a human too. Be happy you get to meet them as one. Be happy your eyes get to behold them. Don't take that away from them or yourself.
I wanna take you back to what's real today. You're not out here eating human hearts and BTW call me a psychic because I know it for a fact. As much as you can't forgive yourself for how you are. I assure you, it's not all of your fault. It's an illusion that exists between you and the world. They aren't above or beneath you friend. The answers exists somewhere in the middle of all that noise.
