#yoonlia

the meeting ୨୧

with sticky fingers, glue extremely uncomfortable against your skin, you keep your hand raised for miss teacher to come help. she’s too busy helping the boy with macaroni noodles in his nose. you don’t care to learn his name. his personality is too big for you.. he’s always yelling, and the first time you heard his tiger roar it made you cry. 

she’s still busy. he’s got them completely stuck up there, you think. she has to take him to the nurse. miss teacher’s teacher friend comes to watch the class while she leaves with macaroni boy. you keep your hand raised, and it’s starting to hurt from how long you kept it up. miss teacher’s friend isn’t paying attention either, though.. apparently one of the other boys knows her from somewhere else, and he keeps taking her attention from you because of his singing.

you accept defeat, putting your hand down with a sigh. you look around your table, one you’re all by yourself at, and there’s not a wipe in sight. you try a tissue, but it sticks to your skin and leaves an icky feeling. you can’t use the sink, because miss teacher said to ask permission, and asking permission is too scary! 

everyone’s tinkering away on their artwork, loud sounds of crayon buckets, singing, and yelling all filling up your senses. no one sees you, and no one’s helping. it’s all too much, and your eyes screw shut. you don’t want to cry, because someone will see and make everyone look at you ‘cause they noticed. you get down under your table, hiding your head in your arms (keeping your hands a safe distance from your body) as you not only hide from the world, but also hide your tears.

jeonghan sees your entire situation from his table. he thought it’d be funny at first, watching you struggle and potentially make a really big mess, but you look sad. why are you sad at making a mess? it’s so fun! you look so icky and not happy with all the glue and fuzzies on your hand, and he notices your chest moving fast. he looks at his companion to see if he noticed, but said friend is too busy coloring in his shinchan to notice.

“cheollie, look.” he pokes the boy in his shoulder, and he looks about ready to cuss like his dad does when he hits his toe. “that girl is crying.” jeonghan points to you, body shuddering from under your workspace.

“it’s rude to point.” seungcheol smacks his friend’s hand down. “and i saw. the right thing to do is to tell miss teacher.”

“miss teacher isn’t here. she left with youngie, ‘member?”

“oh. so we get the other teacher? because she’s in charge now ‘till miss teacher comes back.” seungcheol always talks like he’s the boss, but that’s just because he got the teacher’s helper job this month. and the ones before that. 

“no!” jeonghan grabs seungcheol’s sleeve, letting him go when he stops moving and puts his hands on his hips. “i’m miss teacher now! i can fix it!” 

he looks around for the wet wipes to give to you. they’re on the big shelf, so he waits until the new lady turns away to run over and take them. with his evil laugh, he tiptoes away and puts them on your table. 

slipping down to sit beside you, he taps your shoulder. “did you make a mess?” you nod, head still down. he grabs the wet wipes, ripping some out of the container. a little water splashes out, but he makes sure it doesn’t hit you. “it’s okay. everyone makes messes sometimes. don’t be sad.” 

you pick your head up, sniffling aggressively, before putting your hands out. instead of giving you the wipes, he does it for you with a little ‘hannie can fix it!’, gently scrubbing away at the mess on your hands. you’re still sniffing away the whole time, using your now (mostly) clean hand to wipe at your eyes.

once he’s finished, he closes the container and hands you the box of tissues. “you have some boogers.” he giggles at your embarrassed face, slowing down when you don’t react or say anything.

he asks your name, and you give it to him, a little wobbly, and he takes your hand to shake it. “i’m jeonghan. i’ll be your friend now, okay?” he brushes his hair from his eyes, “we’ll be friends forever! and i’ll always be here to help you when you need it.”

childhood ୨୧

you and jeonghan are a little older now. not old enough, you both say, but old enough to start having homework and wish you were as cool as your upperclassmen. ever since you met in kindergarten, jeonghan’s kept his word, staying by your side no matter what. his “stinky” little sister started going to school too, and she’s just as fun to be around. he gets jealous though, and always pulls you away from her to focus on him instead.

right now though, he doesn’t have to worry much. little sis is in her little kid classes right now while you guys get to have recess! you and him are sitting on the bench next to all your friends, some of which are playing basketball, while the others draw with sidewalk chalk or hang upside down on the monkey bars. 

jeonghan would very much prefer playing basketball, but you don’t like the idea of getting too close to other people or the idea of contact sports. he doesn’t really understand why, but the thought of you sitting by yourself, considering the fact that you don’t like any of the outdoor activities, makes him upset. he’d very much rather stay with you, making sure you aren’t lonely, watching over you as you pluck wildflowers from the grass.

“jeonghan?” seungkwan starts, getting the attention of the both of you. you both look up from your hands, where the both of you were looking at the small collection of flora you had found. “are you two dating?”

immediately you guys are grossed out, scooting to the opposite ends of the bench. “ew, no! that’s disgusting! we’re just friends, right?” jeonghan says, grimacing at the idea, before turning to you.

you nod, a small little movement, “just friends. i’m too young to get a boyfriend, and i don’t like how much boyfriends and girlfriends touch. it’s.. icky.”

“you guys touch a lot.. so, doesn’t that mean you’re dating?” when you guys shake your head, he calls the attention of soonyoung, who eventually brings the rest of your friend group over. “soonyoung, they’re dating, right?”

“come on guys, don’t make a crowd like that, it’s overwhelming!” jeonghan complains, partly trying to change the subject, but also trying to save you because he knows you’ll start getting uncomfortable soon.

soonyoung makes his way over, pinch fingers on his chin like he’s making some sort of elaborate analysis. “um, yeah, they’re dating! my sister has a boyfriend, and they do the same stuff as her and jeonghan! they hug every day at the end of school, and you know who else does?”

this small connection creates a moment of silence before everyone bursts out in loud chatter, some complaining about your age, others yelling and screaming about cooties. the commotion is enough to bring the teacher over, ending in your recess cut short and a conversation about why having a boyfriend or girlfriend is not something you should be worried about right now.

your discomfort is eased when you go home and talk to your mom, asking her if you and jeonghan have to date. she’s full of giggles when she lets you know that yes, boys and girls can be just friends, and he’s simply someone who cares a lot about you.

teenhood ୨୧

you’re in your math class, and you’re sat next to seungcheol. jeonghan’s right behind you, not allowed to sit next to you due to his endless chatting. not a single one of you is paying attention, all too focused on the trip to the convenience store that you’re planning to make after school.

you’re writing in cheollie’s notebook with a list of everything you, him, and hannie might want to buy when something hits your head. seungcheol catches it, giving a glare to the boy across the room who threw it. you didn’t even do anything, but just seeing his face freaks you out. he unfolds the piece of paper, and when it’s fully unraveled, you take a look.

‘i like shy girls. will you be my shy girl? - hyungwon’ 

you look at cheol, who looks at you, before handing the paper to jeonghan. he takes one glance at it, switching his gaze to hyungwon, before tearing the paper up and throwing it on the floor.

the teacher asks him to pick it up and he refuses, giving him one of two referrals for the day. the next one comes after class, sending him home with bloody knuckles and one less friend. not that it mattered anyway, the only friend he truly cares about is you.

every question you ask about his outburst is avoided, not only because he doesn’t want to talk about it, but he doesn’t have an answer. he’s just protective, okay? watching over you like a brother, nothing else.

college ୨୧

it’s nearly 4am when jeonghan finally comes stumbling through the front door of your home, giggling and burping like an idiot. when he sees you it only gets worse, eliciting a sigh from you as he falls into your lap. 

“hannie, can you get up please? you’re bending the pages of my book. i spent a lot of money on this.” you complain, yet you make no effort to push him away, heart warm at how content he looks to be with you.

“shit, sorry.” he brushes hair from his eyes, sitting straight up on the couch before his head eventually falls on your shoulder. “i’m so drunk.” you have no idea why he’s making such a statement, and honestly it makes you cringe because.. obviously? all it takes is one whiff for you to know. not even, just look at him.

“i know, and that’s why you should go to bed. it’s almost daytime already.” you say, already helping him up to take him to his bedroom.

“wait!” he puts his hands out, backing away from your grasp, “..can we sleep here? in the living room, like we used to?”

you look at him, so incredibly tired, both physically and mentally, pinching the bridge of your eyebrows as a headache threatens to kick in. he looks so cute, unfortunately for you, pouting as he accidentally falls back into the couch after losing his balance. he straightens back up right away though, even making an effort to put his hands together to help persuade you.

eventually you relent, grumbling about him needing to change out of his clothes as you go grab all your blankets. he follows right behind you, not even thinking twice when he starts stripping while you’re in the middle of stripping his bed of its blankets. he pays no mind to your obvious flusteredness, simply chuckling before going to help you.

there’s a little blanket cushion underneath your backs, little fairy lights creating a cozy atmosphere as you lay facing each other. jeonghan’s eyes keep fluttering shut, begging him to go to sleep, but he fights it, forcing them open to watch you. his hand falls to your cheek, knuckles brushing your skin, running over the side of your face before pushing stray hairs behind your ear.

“you know, i’ve always found you so pretty. like, a crazy amount.” he says bluntly, casually, as if it’s something normal.

“excuse me?”

“yeah.” his voice is so soft, his pupils blown wide as his eyes trail over your pretty features like he’s committing them to memory. “you just have something about you that makes me feel like i’m drowning, and i can’t get out. but i don’t want to. i love it.”

“you’re being weird, han. go to sleep.” you flush, pulling the blanket up to your nose.

immediately he’s propping himself up on his elbow, other hand pulling it back down. “let me see you, please…” he nearly zones out for a good while, making you squirm as his eyes lock onto your face.

“you know.. i think i love you. i always have.” he pauses, looking you over before taking a look at himself, his surroundings, and the entire apartment you rent together, “yeah. i never really understood what love looked like, but i get it now. i look at us, and i know. it’s us.” he chuckles.

“jeonghan, wh- you’re drunk, you can’t just say that when you don’t even mean it-”

“shh, shh, i’m not lying. there’s some saying or whatever, right? anyway, long story short, i’m telling the truth and i’m gonna go throw up now.”

adulthood ୨୧

you’re walking down the streets of paris, walking alongside your boyfriend, jeonghan, with seungcheol and the others on your other side. it’s time for one of those week-long group vacations, and for some reason jeonghan forced everyone to agree to go out of the country. usually your trips are only thirty minutes or so from home, but this time you’ve gone days away. you keep asking him why he spent so much money for everyone to come out here, but he just shrugs, saying eh, i needed a change of scenery.

the bags in your hands are getting heavy as you walk down the streets of the shopping district, everything’s lit up in the night lights, river glistening as you and the group walk alongside it. jeonghan forced you to leave your wallet at the mansion-turned-rental that you all are staying at, paying for literally everything you touched. by now, you’ve racked up copious amounts of jewelry and other accessories, and just as you turn to him, ready to indirectly ask why he hasn’t started carrying your bags for you, you realize he stopped walking. everyone stopped walking, actually.

“hannie? guys, what are you doing?” you look at jeonghan, standing alone with a nervous smile, the rest in a small clump behind him. they shush you, pointing and gesturing to your boyfriend.

“baby, come here,” he says, breathlessly, taking your hands when you come close enough. “wanna know why i brought you here?” you hum, and he tries his hardest to hide the shaking in his breath before he continues speaking.

“it’s because i wanted to give you something special. a trip with all your favorite people, me first obviously..” he chuckles, “but seriously. i want this to be a trip for you to remember, because it’s going to be the last one before our lives change.. a lot.”

he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a tiny velvet box, and your eyes nearly fall out of your head as he drops to one knee. your full name falls from his lips, and all of a sudden you’re tearing up as he starts a little speech.

“i still remember the first time i saw you. on the first day of kindergarten. you were crying, sobbing actually, because you didn’t want to leave your mom. a lot of our other classmates were crying too, but you were the only one i felt bad for. everyone else? i wanted them to shut up.. seriously.” he doesn’t waste a second to glance at a few of your friends behind him, laughing as their complaints help to ease his nerves a bit. “since then, i made it a mission to help things.. not suck for you. at least back then, i wanted you to be happy during school. but.. we got older, and we never drifted apart. as the years went by, i my mission changed, even if i didn’t know. it changed to me.. wanting you to be happy always. for your whole life. that’s still what it is today. so, if you’d let me try my best to succeed, will you please marry me?”

you don’t even hesitate to nod yes, falling into his arms, kissing him while you cry like the same baby you were twenty something years ago. the same crybaby jeonghan fell in love with, and will continue to love forever.

the wedding ୨୧

yet again the tears keep falling as you stand before your fiancee, stuttering and sniffling through your vows. you poured your whole heart into them, so so grateful for the life you’ve gotten to live alongside jeonghan. he’s been your rock through everything, like a little island that’s always there to listen, always there to help. there’s not a single person on this earth who knows you better than he does, not even yourself. before he learned to read the alphabet, he knew how to read your emotions, read between the lines of everything you said and help you accordingly. he’s who you go to for everything, he’s who you think of first when anything good happens, and it’s been like that ever since you were little, back when you were little, still finger painting as a class activity.

it’s his turn now, and he pretends that something’s in his eyes as he wipes them, making the crowd laugh. he takes a deep breath in before pulling a loose leaf paper from his blazer and clearing his throat.

“it’s been thirty years of knowing you, loving you, and i think it’s time that i finally make a confession.. do you remember when we were in college, and i came home drunk? yeah, yeah, i know it happened a bunch of times.. but there’s one specific occasion where i mentioned how much i love you. i always lied about that night, saying i didn’t remember, but i think now’s the time where i tell you.. i did. and i still stand by everything i said. i’ve always been yours, since i befriended you back when we were five. i didn’t know it, but that exact moment is when my heart became yours. it has been ever since then. you are the best thing the world has ever given me, and i’ll forever be indebted to you for showing me what love is like, and how proud and lucky i am to be able to give that to you. i’m incredibly grateful to have you in my life, and.. oh, you thought i could go a whole ment without any teasing? funny.. anyway, i’m so incredibly lucky to be marrying you, and so excited to be legally tied to my favorite crybaby. now, let’s get married, hm?”

after many teary giggles and kisses, you and jeonghan are finally husband and wife. it feels so right, so perfect. it’s not even anything different, you guys are just living the same life you always have, doing the same routine, all with a new title. yet, it feels good knowing that you are legally each other’s, rather than just in your heads. the whole night is spent basking in that, full of joy knowing that you are forever tied together, each other’s firsts and lasts.

getting older ୨୧

you can’t do as much as you used to, and you’re getting to the age where you start getting discounts at local events. your skin is littered with scars and wrinkles, evidence of all the joy and laughing you’ve experienced throughout life. you’re committed to a life at home, planting pretty little flowers in your garden and sitting on the porch of your country home, reading books and waving at the little kids playing in the street. it’s peaceful, and most dread the part of life where you get old, but to you? it’s perfect. everything you’ve ever needed.

jeonghan’s car pulls into the driveway, and his smile shines bright as he makes his way toward you. he falls into the seat next to you on the swinging bench with a groan, rubbing his creaky knees as he hits the cushion. suddenly, his grimace switches to something sweeter as he pulls a pretty bouquet of flowers from behind his back, placing it in your lap with a smile.

“you deserve something nice.” he says, leaning in for a kiss. you wrap an arm around him, returning the affection before placing your head in his neck.

“i love them, hannie, they’re so beautiful.” you smile, eyes closed and all as he strokes your hair, looking down at you like he’s met an angel. to him, he did.

“my pretty angel only deserves the best, no?” he leans back, letting you cuddle into him as you watch the clouds.

“i wouldn’t say pretty, now.. i’ve got wrinkles, and my hair is grey.” you pout.

he shushes you, peppering kisses over every wrinkle, and all over your crown. “bullshit- oh, sorry, i mean.. nonsense. you’re just as beautiful as you were when we met, okay? like i said, my pretty angel only deserves the best, right?” he looks at you expectantly until you hum in agreement, “now, if only i was able bodied enough to still give you the best in bed, oh i’d show you-”

“jeonghan!” you giggle, swatting at his chest. he only pouts, shrugging innocently as you laugh together. despite getting older with every day, he never fails to make you feel just as beautiful and just as loved as you did back when you were twenty.

the sixteen year old girl across the street watches you both with her friends, and they all nod in agreement when they say that they only want a love like that. something so sweet, so pure that everyone can just tell how long you’ve loved each other. every day, he comes home from work (don’t worry, it’s not taxing at all and he gets paid good) with a cute little gift for you, his eyes turning into big hearts at the grateful little smile you give him every time. the whole neighborhood adores you two, looking at you both as models of pure, true love.

the end ୨୧

it’s late at night, and after a good few hours of stiffly slow dancing to your favorite music, you and jeonghan finally lay down. you spent the night doing a lot of things you haven’t done in a while, now that you think about it, and it was quite refreshing. you ate a bunch of junk food, sang silly songs with unnecessary amounts of curse words, and now you’re ending it with endless pillow talk.

neither of you addressed it, but you both have a feeling that this is the last time you’ll be able to do this. you aren’t scared. this may be the first time you aren’t afraid, but jeonghan looks so calm that you feel like things will be okay. he simply shot up, definitely pulling something in the process, taking your hand and offering for you both to spend it having as much fun as possible.

that you did! the whole night was spent reminiscing on the past decades with each other, and it truly felt like you were traveling back to that point in time. each photobook you flipped through, each friend you thought of and silently congratulated for outliving you both, it all felt.. peaceful. maybe a little bittersweet, but every moment is looked back on fondly.

“we’ve spent all of our lives together,” he starts, fingers combing through your hair as you lay down together. “i’d say you made them the best years of my life, but that’d be dumb. you were there for the whole thing.”

you chuckle, tucking your head into his neck. “it’s okay, i’d say the same thing.” 

he hums, “seriously, though. you make me so happy. i don’t think you know just how much.” 

it’s then that you fall asleep for what would be the last time, promises of a more romantic tomorrow. no death talk was allowed, jeonghan wouldn’t have that. you only spoke of a next time, one where you were definitively together. you don’t fight it, just accept that you won't see the next morning. it’s okay, because you’re passing knowing that you lived a full, long life. one where you never doubted how much you were loved. 

life is really hard. there’s so many obstacles, so many things that people have to deal with, losing their footing every day in a world that they’re still trying to navigate. there’s not a single person who has done this before. it only gets worse the older you get, and that’s something you’ve felt nothing but dread thinking about. it’s scary, getting older. for you, it just leaves more room for you to feel sentimental and reminisce on moments that you won’t be able to experience again, even the moment where you sit right here, lingering on such a thought. it’s all fleeting, and it’s scary to know that these last seconds of joy, happy memories of a certain era of life, are slipping through your fingers. even if there’s more to come.

the years fly by faster and faster, the longer you spend your time on this planet. even the summer, such a small fraction of the year, feels like it only lasts a week. the whole season smushed into seven days, days which you’ve spent on vacation with only one person. coincidentally, the same person you see when you think of the past however many years. there’s not a single person you’re more grateful for knowing, having met him as a child, keeping him by your side for your whole life.you remember it so clearly, over ten, nearly twenty years ago when you were knock kneed and second guessing every step you took. he saw you, and without thinking twice about it, he took you under his wing and hasn’t let you go ever since.

it was embarrassingly obvious that you were lonely, someone people didn’t like much, no matter where you went. you were used to navigating things on your own, and without the help of others, simply keeping to yourself and finding your own way. he was so bold, he didn’t even give you room to debate before claiming you as his best friend, helping you find your wings and become who you are today. you truly couldn’t credit anyone with their assistance in your success except him. he became someone you could lean on, and he quickly became your best friend, your crutch. it was easy to fall into a sort of dynamic where you were like family, being adopted by his own and becoming an extreme part of your life.

as you lay on this lounge chair, skin to skin while watching the waves sparkle under the moonlight, all you can help to do is reminisce on the time you’ve had with seungcheol. there’s not much time left until his special day, until he turns 30, welcoming you and all your friends into the third, melancholy decade of your life. with your head against his bare chest, you feel his heartbeat slow and his breathing go back to normal as the minutes tick by. yet, you still can’t seem to catch your breath. it feels like just yesterday you were cowering behind cheol’s teenage, yet still very broad shoulders while he introduced you to his other friends. you blinked and suddenly you’re no longer chasing him down the boardwalk, beer bottle spilling over your hand as you race to the beach, tumbling through the sand when you catch him. you don’t do that anymore. you’re in the same place you walked all those years ago, except this time you guys don’t play fight in the sand, don’t get shitfaced and do all the reckless things you used to. now, you’ve found love, sitting with him on a secluded area of the beach, laying on top of him with barely any clothing separating the two of you, reminiscing on the past almost-twenty years that you’ve known each other.

this makes your heart hurt, your anxiety kick in. you’re so, so grateful that all of your youth was spent with him. there was nothing but pure joy, and you still have that now, but there’s something in you that feels nothing but pure dread, knowing that the youth you were so used to is going away. not completely, but it’s morphing into something different, and you’re not sure how ready you are to take that on. not long after cheol’s birthday, it’ll be jeonghan, jisoo.. and you’re right there with them. soon enough everyone else will follow suit, and you really couldn’t put it into words just how much that freaks you out. there’s no way to explain it. when you look up at cheol, the arm that isn’t wrapped around you rests under his head, and his gaze is set on the sky above you both. he looks so beautiful, completely relaxed, face reflecting nothing but serenity as he lays with you. you’re envious of that, of his calm state of being, and happiness towards his special day and what comes after. eventually he catches your gaze, and he smiles softly, pulling you closer to give you a kiss. smooth, soft, and full of all the tranquility you wish you were feeling.

“talk to me.” he says, and you almost wanna curse at the way he knows you so well, immediately sensing the weight on your mind.

you sigh, “i just.. i don’t understand how you’re so calm.”

he chuckles, sitting up a little to place you properly between his legs. with your back to his chest, he wraps his arms tight around your torso. “what do you mean? should i be scared? am i gonna die tomorrow?”

you smile, just barely, a little huff of air leaving your lips. “no, no.. i’m talking about, like.. about growing up. you’re happy. embracing it. i don’t get that.”

he hums lowly, kissing your crown. “first of all, we grew up a long time ago. and of course i’m happy to be getting older. sure, we’ve come a long way, and i am entering a different stage, but it’s exciting to see what comes with it. personally, i’m especially excited to see how sexy i get once i’m thirty..” he laughs, nuzzling into your nape when you let out a little giggle.

“and.. you’re not afraid to lose what you’ve had in your twenties?” you look up at him, so much vulnerability, genuinely worried about this predicament, and you can see the way he softens at it.

he shakes his head, “nope. because i’ll always have those memories to keep. and i have you, the kids.. you guys are a part of my twenties. am i gonna lose you all after the next..” he checks his watch, “fifteen minutes?”

immediately you’re shaking your head, leaning into him impossibly close. “no! of course not.. you’ll have me, them, for forever.”

“well? there you have it then. i’m not losing my twenties, or any of my youth for that matter, by turning thirty. i still have you all with me, and i’ll keep you until i die. and even after that.” he emphasizes the last part with a kiss to your temple.

you nod your head. “i just feel like life keeps moving. and it keeps getting faster, but i can’t keep up. i don’t remember the years getting so short, you know?” you fight the way you get a little choked up the longer you talk, but he notices, as always, hands starting to rub against your waist.

this time, he has to take a moment to think, going silent to think of a response. “i understand how you’re feeling. i think that way more than i’d like to admit, but..” he pauses again, “there’s nothing we can do but look up, right? not everything has to be at the pace you’ve set for yourself. you don’t have to be what everyone expects you to be right now. whatever part of life you’re ready for, whichever part you want to be, i’ll be here to love you and support you through it, okay?” he holds you by your chin, keeping eye contact while he speaks, pouting slightly to help push his point, jerking his head to force your verbal response when you nod. he smiles satisfactorily when he hears your little okay, leaning in to give you kisses, on your lips and all over your face.

“now. no more sadness, okay? there’s one minute left, and my birthday wish is for us all to be happy. happiness only, ‘kay?” he noses the crook of your neck, laughing when you flinch at the little kisses that tickle your skin.

seungcheol’s phone rings, jeonghan calling, and you know that means it’s hit midnight, and you reach for it to hang up on him. you turn to face him, reaching for the little cupcake set beside you. i’ll be the first one, you mumble, lighting the candle before looking at him with a smile. as you start singing, his face shines so bright under the orange glow of the flame, smile so wide and perfect, even after all these years. as the song comes to a close, you feel much more excitement towards the future than you previously had, even if it’s not by much. seungcheol’s eyes fall shut as you end the song, adding a few extra notes to be fancy, laughing as he makes his wish and blows the candle out.

“happy birthday, my cheollie.” with a finger you wipe icing on his cheek, immediately going in to kiss it off. when you try going back in a second time, he turns his head, holding you against his lips by the back of your head. this time, it’s a little more romantic than the last few, his hands holding your body as close to him as it can get.

he pulls away, not by far, your foreheads touching, “thank you, baby girl.” he kisses you again, “i can’t wait to spend my thirties and forever with you.”

you’re hanging upside down on the edge of jihoon’s bed, soonyoung laying on the floor in front of you, spiderman kissing you every five minutes. jihoon is at his desk, clicking away at yet another track he’s doing for an assignment. you and soonyoung invited yourselves to chill in his dorm (the dorm that soonyoung also lives in, but still needs permission to enter during sessions) while he worked, much to his very fake displeasure.

“oh, hoon, that harmony sounded good,” soonyoung starts, looking at him from his incredibly unpractical position on the floor. his career is surely to end if he keeps contorting himself that way.

he sighs, aggressively removing his headphones. “it’s not a harmony. it’s just an octave.” then he turns, squinting aggressively at the other. “it’s been almost a year, haven’t you learned anything?”

soonyoung looks at you, little smirk pulling at his lips, before turning back to his boyfriend, “not gonna lie, i’m never really paying attention to note theory when you’re making beats.”

jihoon’s eyebrows nearly reach his forehead, posture straightening in shock, “note theory?! soonyoung, we live together.. how can you be so dumb-“

finally, you cut in, getting up from your spot and strolling over to jihoon, soothing him with your hands on his shoulders. “relax, hoonie.. he’s trying..” you whisper i think.. in his ear, and finally his frown fades, “he’s doing his best. not everyone’s a master composer like you are.”

his nose scrunches when you kiss his cheek, “it’s like.. common sense.”

soonyoung shoots up, eyebrows furrowed, arms out like he was accused of murder, and you can see it in his chest how his voice is about to raise by a million decibels. “it’s not my fault! i’m the one dancing to it, not making it! why do i need to- okay, tell me how much you know about choreography, huh?!”

he snorts, “i actually know a lot. because i actually listen to the hours of nonsense you talk to me about.”

soonyoung’s mouth is gaping, his lips twitching. you can see the gears turning in his head while he thinks of what to say, before eventually flopping on his (jihoon’s) bed, groaning and whining and yelling into the pillow. you both know he’s asking for sickeningly sweet cuddling and consolation, but the same way you would a child, you urge jihoon to wrap up his session while he has the chance.

you stroll over to him, running a hand through his cropped white hair, “hoshi…” you sing-song, “soonie…” one of his eyes open, “if you come back to us,” you whisper the next part “i’ll make jihoonie pay for our dinner..”

it’s then that he immediately shoots up, all smiley, scrolling through your phone and his phone and jihoon’s phone for the most delicious and most nutritional thing you can all share. after making a decision, you both have to rip your boyfriend from his chair to go and have your meal. at least you didn’t rack his wallet this time, thanks to soonyoung sweet talking the waitress into giving you all extra food.

ohyul who everyone knows and loves, is the funniest and chattiest person ever. his mouth never closes when he’s with his friends. however, he’s.. awkward with you. awkward in the sense that conversation just doesn’t flow as easily between you two. every time he talks to you it just wnds in him bullying you (albeit teasingly) or he doesn’t say much at all.

it all changes when you finally score a hangout with him, someone you’ve had the biggest friend crush on since forever, and the rest of his friends. you just so happened to be close with a girl who was dating one of ohyul’s friends, and finally, you got lucky!

the beginning of the night started with a movie, where your ticket was already paid for. once you got into the theater, everyone sat down at random seats and left you and ohyul sitting next to each other. throughout the whole thing you were commenting on it to each other, sharing the large popcorn he offered to buy. after a good few comments there was a couple pieces thrown at you with a stop speed dating and watch the movie!

ohyul who continues being his weird self with spotty small talk the rest of the night and throughout your time bowling with him and the others. every time you scored higher than him he had something snarky or obnoxious to say, but you and the others laughed it off as you kept going.

eventually it ended, and you all were talking about what to do before leaving. majority of the group wanted to sit down to eat, but you wanted something light so you split up. once you had what you wanted, you’d find them again. 

you’re walking in silence after the buzz of laughing with everyone, until you hear a where are you buying from? behind you. there ohyul stands, group fading behind him, face unreadable as he follows you. 

suddenly the air gets heavier as you walk towards a froyo spot that you’re lucky enough to catch before closing. casually, without even thinking about it, you mention wanting to try all the toppings you never have before. with a random, vague vulnerability you’ve never felt in your life, ohyul follows after you and gets a cup of his own to do the same.

ohyul who follows you around the whole store, making a froyo bowl next to you, talking a mile a minute and forming a whole conversation with you. it’s feels as if you guys have known each other for years. there must have been something in his theater slushy, or his bowling alley pizza, because he’s never been like this in his life. he feels like a brand new person, like a switch flipped, and the air turns from stale to strangely intimate in a way that makes you stutter when you review the gummy bears in your cup.

ohyul who comments on his bowl as well, just like you, before dropping some of his toppings on yours to hear your own opinion. he shamelessly picks off of yours too, with permission of course, smiling softly and giving his opinion as you do his. ohyul who does it so casually and with such normalcy that you genuinely feel crazy. you feel like you have to vlog the review just so you have proof that this experience is real.

ohyul who goes quiet when you meet up with the group again, and everyone’s face changes when they realize he was with you. he rolls his eyes when he hears a louis-sounding whisper and what were they doing..? as he heads out towards the exit. you stand there, sputtering like a fish out of water, just as dumbfounded as they are. the whole walk catching up to him is spent trying to defend yourself, trying to explain that yes! it did feel weird and there was something in the air! it’s just that you also didn’t expect it and were thrown for a loop too…

ryul ☆

ryul is almost more feminine than you in the sense that his instagram is very meticulously crafted, his feed overly aesthetic, only four to five posts up, all of which are carefully created photo dumps.

he has probably only two highlights, one for those dumb photos when you two go out where he stops you like, baby, please get a photo of me right here. this is so tough, and it’s just a pic of him looking at his feet that he pairs with his trap song of the day.

the other one is a little more special, because it’s all of you. that’s the one time you’re okay with his nitpicky photo sessions, where he’s (playfully) barking orders and pouting when you say you’re tired and it’s stupid.

the best photo sessions for his “gf” highlights are the faceless ones, like a photo of his hand in the back pocket of your shorts, or a mirror “fit check” photo that’s really just to show him kissing your cheek. the true best ones though, are him

showing off your nails. black, studded, ryul style in bold font on the ring finger, and any kind of

design that just screams your shared aesthetic.

“come.” he’ll take your hand, guiding it to rest on his chest, fingers splayed against the muscle, hidden under a black tank. “perfect. take a photo like that.” then he’ll have you take another one, this time of your fingers wrapped around his bicep, photo capturing a fresh set laying right atop a vein. once he’s satisfied, he’ll post a collage style story with all the photos you took, a random song added and the caption “paid by me.” yeah, the photoshoot process is annoying, but it’s just because ryul loves you and wants to show you off.

ohyul ☆

the music is booming, you have absolutely no clue what ohyul or any of your friends have been saying to you, but the thc in your system makes it so you don’t care. they probably don’t know what they’re saying either, so it’s chill.

ohyul stands behind you at the couch, you know he’s there just by his scent. he reaches around you to press his can to your lips, offering you a sip, which you take and scrunch your face at the flavor. he pulls it away, and some girl behind you asks your boyfriend for her own sip. from his can. and you know she didn’t just switch her tone from all cute to bitchy when you snap your head around.

he notices, and just smiles at you, before it drops so he can address the girl. the box is over there, you read his lips, and that’s all he says before turning his attention back to you. taking your hand, he leads you out to the back patio. the music is quieter, but still loud, and there’s less people nearby. there’s maybe three or four people, and they’re all locked in on cup pong.

you run your hands up his chest, nails scratching his skin over his black tee. they slide up and lock around his neck, bringing him down to your lips. he kisses you once, laughing into it, but quits when you kiss him back with the bite you only give when your alone. the kind of energy that tells him you’re ready to boss him around how he likes.

“what, are you jealous?” you hum in response to him, pushing yourself into him and kissing him again. “i did everything i was supposed to. except ignore her, sorry.”

“mm.” you prop your chin on his shoulder, eyes falling shut. his hands land on your hips, warm and comforting when he presses his thumbs into your skin. not that it was hard to tell, but he’s always tuned to your moods and knows just what to do when you’re upset.

your eyes open for just a second and you catch the glint of your nails in the corner of your eye. as if you discovered the next best invention, you pull your phone from your back pocket and pull up the camera. with just the bottom of your face in frame, you capture ohyul’s broad shoulder, your nails splayed across it, his name on your ring finger perfectly in the center. pressing a kiss to his neck, you waste no time posting the photo to your story with a song that will definitely show people who your boyfriend belongs to, if nothing else gives it away.

you come home from work, eyes and feet burning, and you freeze as soon as you walk into your home.

your favorite mug is shattered on the floor.

open sits right next to the pile, sitting all cutely and carelessly as if this wasn’t your final straw. the other two are nearby, also watching over the crime scene with mirth. nope nope nope, you think, kicking your shoes off and booking it to your bedroom.

it’s empty, which you could expect being that junhui’s a city over for work, but that just makes everything so much worse. before you can even begin to consider how silly your tears are, they’re falling, your head landing in your arms as you flop onto the bed.

life has been just so stressful today. your boss was being an asshole, as per usual, calling your work inadequate and such as he usually enjoys doing. on top of working extra hard to make sure yours is immaculate, nearly half of your department also piled theirs onto you, and it took nearly all your willpower to not curse the entire building out and pour coffee all over them. and then, when you come home and think about having a warm cup of tea to calm yourself, you can’t! the cats broke the mug! it truly feels like the universe decided to shit on you today.

just as you get ready to scream into the pillow, your phone rings. you hadn’t turned it off do not disturb so you immediately answer, knowing there’s only one person it could be.

you leave your camera facing the ceiling, head back in your arms as the voice that heals you starts leaving the speaker.

“hi, baby, you must be home now! i do have some news though.. i might be coming home late. there’s..” junhui pauses to take a breath, “there’s a lot of work to be done here. if i don’t do it now, it’ll never be finished. you know me.”

you don’t say anything. you just heave a sigh, a huge one, air hissing through your teeth as you fight the urge to ugly cry. really? the one thing, the sole person who could fix every single problem you have can’t come home to you? literally all you need right now is for him to hold you, to listen to you and talk shit with you about your coworkers, and you can’t even have that.

he calls your name softly, “..are you okay?”

you shake your head, sniffling, before remembering he can’t see you, “no,” you whisper, warbly, trying to hide your tears.

“do you need me?” he asks, all soft and reassuring like he’s ready to sprint home right now. you know he would.

“please..” you say, voice breaking, and then you can’t help as you start crying all over again, makeup smudged all over your face and hands.

“okay, i’ll come. i’ll come as fast as i can, promise. can i see you?” he waits patiently, smiling when he can finally see your eyes at the bottom of his screen. you can see him packing his stuff up already. “why don’t you go in the kitchen, make some tea, calm yourself down while i make the drive home, okay? i’ll go as fast as i can.”

you start crying even harder, shuddering and sniffling as you try to respond. “i- i can’t, because the cats broke my mug.. and i’m sorry, i just left it there, but i really can’t- i really can’t do this right now, i’m so fucking tired and i just wanted to come home and sleep and have you be there-”

“shh, shh, okay, lovie, calm down.. i need you to go in there and clean it up, okay? if you can’t.. just watch over the mess for me, we don’t want our babies getting hurt.. i’ll take care of everything as soon as i get there. i’m already in the car, see? i’ll come home and fix it, and then i’ll hold you in my arms, forever and ever. i pinkie promise.”

and you know he’s telling the truth, because a thirty minute car ride was suddenly fifteen, and he was already cleaning the mess, walking in with a new mug, and holding you in his arms as you vent to him about today’s events.

after nearly two hours of laying on the couch, there’s so much boredom flooding your veins that you end up hanging off the edge, the top of your head grazing the floor. with sehun out working all day, you were left home to your own devices. typically that wouldn’t have been an issue, but with the terrible white noise from the tv and the nonstop thoughts running through your head, it’s getting harder to tolerate being alive right now.

it’s just been a really big week for you. while it’s been good, receiving gallery invitations and much more, it’s starting to feel like you bit off more than you can chew. it gets harder and harder to balance all the things, like completing paintings, finding time for yourself and friends, doing the rest of your schooling, and then being a good girlfriend at the end of the day. 

you love it, and love being ambitious with the need to do everything you love, but there’s moments like these where you stare at the wall and realize you can’t handle it that make you feel terrible. that exact feeling is what put you right here, getting home from your last class of the day, one that ended when the sun was up, and going straight to sitting in the same position on the couch for the rest of the night.

the silence is starting to pull a headache to the front of your skull when the front door opens, sehun pushing through with a sigh. it’s so dark that the only thing he can see is your face, lit up by the tv. he frowns, and you can’t really see it all too well, but you know it’s there in the way he hasn’t said anything.

he flicks the table lamp on as he comes closer, calling your name softly, “why’s it so dark in here? are you okay?” 

you look at him briefly, just for a second before the thought of talking at all brings a burn behind your eyes. all you can do is shake your head and roll your eyes before you can stop yourself. your head falls in your pillow before you can see sehun’s reaction, but you can tell that he’s even more put off by you than he already was.

he sits next to you, by your feet, in silence. you see his hand reach out to touch you, before pulling away. his mouth opens, like he’s going to speak, before it closes again. he then makes a movement to grab one of your feet, turning to face you better while pressing his thumbs into the sole. the fact that he still chooses to be so tender despite your soft launching a terrible attitude forms a lump in your throat and a sting in your eyes. 

sehun frowns once again, as if the one he had couldn’t grow any deeper, before finally speaking up again. “sweetheart..” he takes a sharp breath in, finding his words, “i see that you’ve had a bad day. and i’m sorry. i want to help you, but when you give me this negativity i can’t, right?”

you sniffle, a little shudder moving through your body, before collecting yourself and sitting up. your knees get hugged to your chest, chin resting on top. “i know, but i just..” you don’t even know. the feelings are still so fresh that it makes you even angrier trying to compute it. “i’m just so fucking tired, okay? and i can’t.. i.. i don’t-“ 

sehun shushes you and closes the gap before your emotions can take you any further. his arms wrap tight around your torso and pull you into his chest, grounding you and pulling you away from your frustrations. he holds you there, tightly while you fall apart again, quick breaths and hot tears falling onto the fabric of his button up. i know. he mumbles, kissing your hair. i know. 

just like that your entire body in his grasp, and he’s up on his feet. your head is still buried in his chest, tears still falling freely, but it happens silently as he leads you to the bathroom and sits you on the toilet. he grabs a bit of tissue, calmly wiping your tears and your nose, and exiting  with a kiss to your forehead.

when he comes back, his hands are dangerously full, almost dropping two candles and a bag of bath salts. he starts with the water, fiddling with the temperature like one degree matters, which it does when it’s for you. then the candles are lit and salts are thrown in the water, and all you can do is watch with your damp cheeks and stuffy nose because how is he so perfect? how does he always know what to do?

once everything is set up, he kneels in front of you, hands on your knees. face is completely calm, straight as can be, while managing the look of patience that only comes out after leaving the office.

he takes in a breath, “i know your day hasn’t been good. your back hurts. your feet hurt. your brain hurts. now, all i need is for you to let me help you. should i stay with you or do you want some time to yourself?”

you’re too drained to even try talking so you just grab his wrist, he asks again, and you nod. that’s all it takes for him to slowly remove your clothes for you, helping you into the bath before getting seated next to you. he’s still in his slacks, you realize, tie now undone and button up halfway unbuttoned, and he brushes it off, knowing what you were thinking already. he’s studied you so well that he might as well put mind reading in his resume.

the same way he knows your thoughts before they even form, he rolls his sleeves to his elbows and puts his hands under the water to work through the tension in your muscles. his eyes never wander, nor do his fingers, gaze locked on your face to make sure your mind is on nothing but him and the moment you’re in now. of course he’s made the mental note to talk to you about everything, but that can be pushed to later. your needs are different right now, and he’ll work his hardest to meet them.

the rain is falling so hard, rattling the windows of the train seokmin’s sitting on. his entire life is chaotic right now, down to his clothes and the look on his face. thunder booms across the city, and it’s almost as if the world is crying, weather conditions just as wild as the storm in his heart. how pitiful.

he can’t help the pout on his lips, eyes getting glossy with the truly saddening state of the world. out of all the times the earth could’ve chosen to have a rainy period, it has to be now? when his heart feels like it’s been ripped out of his chest? and blended into a smoothie?

eventually the train stops, and he makes his way to get off. it’s the same stop he used to get off at for all his youth, funnily enough, with you. the route to his parent’s home is like second nature, his feet taking him there without much thought. he doesn’t care about the rain, hopefully it’s enough to mask his tears. it’s okay to wallow in self deprecating pain for a little, right? just a little..

eventually he makes his way to his childhood home, wiping the rain infused tears from his eyes before entering. the door was left unlocked, seokmin’s mom anticipating his arrival after their last phone call. just hearing her voice, cooing softly as if he was still five years old whining over a scraped knee, it made his heart ache even worse. 

she sees him and her face lights up, but softens immediately upon seeing his state. “oh, you poor thing.. come, come.” she meets him in the foyer, helping him out of his drenched peacoat, taking that and the rest of his outerwear to be washed. “you go upstairs, okay? take a shower, dry up, whatever you need to do. i’ll be cooking down here, alright? take your time.” 

he thanks her, gives her a kiss on the cheek to avoid getting her wet, before making his way to go fix himself up. he tries his best to move quickly, finish up so he can help her out, but his body loses all its fight the moment the hot water starts hitting his back. it’s so hot, hotter than he’d ever put it regularly, but it gives him a feeling of warmth that he hasn’t felt in a long time. he doesn’t even wash up for the first ten minutes he’s in there. he just stands under the water, absorbing its warmth and the pure comfort being here brings him. 

when he gets out, he gets dressed at the same pace he’d been moving the whole time. his arm is halfway through one of his old shirts when he freezes. right outside the window, walking down the street right in front of his house, there you are.

it’s then that everything stops, the whole world, save for the sky that opens up, almost as if on cue. it’s the first time he’s seen you since almost a whole month ago, a span of time he refuses to believe. he’d secretly been hoping he would see you here, walking the same streets you used to to walk down together as children. he really shouldn’t be shocked, he set himself up in this situation. of course you’re going to be in your hometown on a rainy weekend, who wouldn’t?

seeing you there, swinging your hands so casually as you walk down the street, the world brightening as if you’re in control of it, it makes him want to call out to you. he’s desperate to open the window and call your name, hear your beautiful voice grace his ears as you call out his, coming to the door to greet him and finally reconcile. he’s sure he looks like a kicked puppy, and has half a mind to turn away and finish getting dressed before you catch him. the rest of his post-shower routine is spent zoning out, thinking of all the possibilities that could arise now that he knows you’re in the vicinity, and it continues to occupy his thoughts as he goes back downstairs and helps his mom set the table.

“i miss her.” he says, breaking the comfortable silence between the two.

she stays silent for a few minutes, back turned to seokmin as she works at the stove. “i know you do, honey..” she hesitates, wondering if her son’s wounds are still too fresh for her to remind him, “but you did do this to yourself..” 

he chuckles, letting out a little ouch at her words, yet he knows she isn’t wrong. “did you know that she’s in town?”

that’s what makes her turn around, giving him an incredulous look before she starts pushing him through the front door. “go on, then! get her! fix this!”

he stops, much stronger than her so it doesn’t take much to keep her from pushing him further down the steps of their porch, “mom, i can’t just go talk to her like that.. she probably hates me.”

she sighs, holding his face in her hands with a pitying pout. “listen, my seokminnie.. i know you made a mistake, and she has every right to be mad at you and curse in your face if she wants to..” he starts pouting, ready to complain, but she shushes him, “but i also know that you didn’t mean to hurt her. your heart is made of pure gold, and you have enough emotional intelligence to go run down the street, right now, and fix it. okay? now go, if things go well, i have enough food for her to come back with you.”

he sighs, looking around before his eyes magnetize to your figure, getting smaller as you walk down the street. he looks back to his mom, hesitantly, but her firm expression is enough for him to turn back.

seokmin walks slowly, simply watching you from afar. it’s kind of creepy, isn’t it? it looks like he’s following you down the street, and the reality of this whole situation is finally settling in. he’s trailing a few feet behind you, hair wet and in his pajamas, frowning like a little boy as he thinks about how to approach you. eventually he gives up, seeing you get closer to your front door, and it’s like his body knows this is his last chance as it takes over.

all of a sudden he’s shouting your name, feet flying as they take him towards you. you look.. concerned, definitely annoyed, but still as beautiful as ever as you watch him catch his breath at your feet. 

“..seokmin? what are you doing?” you ask, looking around as if you’re checking to see if anyone’s watching. 

his breaths are ragged, both from nerves and exertion as he straightens himself out, “i’m sorry, i know you probably don’t want to hear from me, and i don’t blame you, but please. hear me out.”

his voice is pleading, full of desperation, and you can see how genuine he is, so you stay right where you are, wordlessly letting him continue. he sighs, letting out a breath he’d been holding for ages. “i.. i really have no excuse for myself. that’s not what you deserve, you deserve an explanation. so, i’ll give it to you.”

he takes a deep, shaky breath, fidgeting with his hands before he starts to speak. he’s slow, steady, still stumbling over his words, but getting his point across. two weeks ago, and probably long before that, seokmin had been dealing with a lot of stress and pressure. he’s always so busy, working so hard that he failed to take time for himself. it got to a point where he was filled with so much stress that he began pushing you away, and when you tried to help him, heal him even just a little, he ended up snapping at you. he’s never raised his voice at you, never said anything harsh, but he’d been so overwhelmed that he broke, turning what was supposed to be a gentle conversation to something that ended in a breakup.

he doesn’t try to give any excuses, doesn’t try to make himself look better. he simply tells you straight up that he’d been an asshole and he knew it. he told you what had happened to make him talk to you so rudely, and completely owns up to being in the wrong. there’s nothing but complete understanding no matter what you say in response, he just wants you to know that he’s truly sorry, and even if you guys end this conversation walking away from each other, he’s been in pieces and wouldn’t be able to even try and mend it without trying to resolve your issue.

“you really did fuck up, seokmin. i just wanted to help you, and you really hurt me. hearing you yell at me, say such mean things.. and then you break up with me? just like that? it broke me.” you don’t say much else, fidgeting with your hands, looking at him with uncertainty. he looks so sincere, eyes wide and watery, full of remorse.

“i know, i know i made a really big mistake. i understand that i hurt you, and i’m-” he has to stop, take a breath to keep himself from getting worked up to the point of tears, “i’m so sorry for hurting you. i just.. i miss you so much, and i’m so sorry for pushing you away, because all i needed was you. all i need is you. and i can’t.. i can’t be here right now, seeing you walk down the street right in front of me, and not try and fix it. not tell you that i’ve been a wreck without you, and i’ll do anything for you to take me back.”

you’re crying now, and he notices but hesitates to reach out, opting to just leave his hand out. you stare at it, so scary but inviting, moving to his eyes that are so full of love, full of hope, holding in tears that he doesn’t feel he deserves to let fall.

your palm falls into his, taking it and squeezing it with a force that shows just how painful that night and the two weeks after were. “it’s gonna take a lot to fix what you did.” you say, sniffling.

“i know.” he wipes your cheeks, thumb running under your eye to catch the tears that fall. “i’ll try my damn hardest to change that, to mend any pain i gave you, because you don’t deserve to feel anything but the best, okay?” he takes your face in his palm, eye contact strong, and you nod. he smiles, albeit softly, before leaving a kiss on your forehead. his lips linger for a moment, resting against your skin, eyes falling shut at the feeling of your warmth against him. every inch of his love transfers to you as he holds you there, gently, making sure you feel his newfound love, one that comes stronger than he ever showed you before.

he invites you back to his childhood home where his mother is waiting, and you accept, lacing your fingers with his as you make the short walk back. it starts to rain again as you do, but instead of taking it as a bad thing, running to avoid getting drenched, you accept it. you giggle with your lover as you run through the rain together, mending the scars in your hearts. they might not go away, and you’ll always remember this, but just like all other memories, they’re there to serve a purpose. one might consider them a gift, a reminder that like a journey mercies, your love will always come with struggles. the strongest kind of love is one that embraces that fact, loving each other even when things get hard.