#yoonlia

life is really hard. there’s so many obstacles, so many things that people have to deal with, losing their footing every day in a world that they’re still trying to navigate. there’s not a single person who has done this before. it only gets worse the older you get, and that’s something you’ve felt nothing but dread thinking about. it’s scary, getting older. for you, it just leaves more room for you to feel sentimental and reminisce on moments that you won’t be able to experience again, even the moment where you sit right here, lingering on such a thought. it’s all fleeting, and it’s scary to know that these last seconds of joy, happy memories of a certain era of life, are slipping through your fingers. even if there’s more to come.

the years fly by faster and faster, the longer you spend your time on this planet. even the summer, such a small fraction of the year, feels like it only lasts a week. the whole season smushed into seven days, days which you’ve spent on vacation with only one person. coincidentally, the same person you see when you think of the past however many years. there’s not a single person you’re more grateful for knowing, having met him as a child, keeping him by your side for your whole life.you remember it so clearly, over ten, nearly twenty years ago when you were knock kneed and second guessing every step you took. he saw you, and without thinking twice about it, he took you under his wing and hasn’t let you go ever since.

it was embarrassingly obvious that you were lonely, someone people didn’t like much, no matter where you went. you were used to navigating things on your own, and without the help of others, simply keeping to yourself and finding your own way. he was so bold, he didn’t even give you room to debate before claiming you as his best friend, helping you find your wings and become who you are today. you truly couldn’t credit anyone with their assistance in your success except him. he became someone you could lean on, and he quickly became your best friend, your crutch. it was easy to fall into a sort of dynamic where you were like family, being adopted by his own and becoming an extreme part of your life.

as you lay on this lounge chair, skin to skin while watching the waves sparkle under the moonlight, all you can help to do is reminisce on the time you’ve had with seungcheol. there’s not much time left until his special day, until he turns 30, welcoming you and all your friends into the third, melancholy decade of your life. with your head against his bare chest, you feel his heartbeat slow and his breathing go back to normal as the minutes tick by. yet, you still can’t seem to catch your breath. it feels like just yesterday you were cowering behind cheol’s teenage, yet still very broad shoulders while he introduced you to his other friends. you blinked and suddenly you’re no longer chasing him down the boardwalk, beer bottle spilling over your hand as you race to the beach, tumbling through the sand when you catch him. you don’t do that anymore. you’re in the same place you walked all those years ago, except this time you guys don’t play fight in the sand, don’t get shitfaced and do all the reckless things you used to. now, you’ve found love, sitting with him on a secluded area of the beach, laying on top of him with barely any clothing separating the two of you, reminiscing on the past almost-twenty years that you’ve known each other.

this makes your heart hurt, your anxiety kick in. you’re so, so grateful that all of your youth was spent with him. there was nothing but pure joy, and you still have that now, but there’s something in you that feels nothing but pure dread, knowing that the youth you were so used to is going away. not completely, but it’s morphing into something different, and you’re not sure how ready you are to take that on. not long after cheol’s birthday, it’ll be jeonghan, jisoo.. and you’re right there with them. soon enough everyone else will follow suit, and you really couldn’t put it into words just how much that freaks you out. there’s no way to explain it. when you look up at cheol, the arm that isn’t wrapped around you rests under his head, and his gaze is set on the sky above you both. he looks so beautiful, completely relaxed, face reflecting nothing but serenity as he lays with you. you’re envious of that, of his calm state of being, and happiness towards his special day and what comes after. eventually he catches your gaze, and he smiles softly, pulling you closer to give you a kiss. smooth, soft, and full of all the tranquility you wish you were feeling.

“talk to me.” he says, and you almost wanna curse at the way he knows you so well, immediately sensing the weight on your mind.

you sigh, “i just.. i don’t understand how you’re so calm.”

he chuckles, sitting up a little to place you properly between his legs. with your back to his chest, he wraps his arms tight around your torso. “what do you mean? should i be scared? am i gonna die tomorrow?”

you smile, just barely, a little huff of air leaving your lips. “no, no.. i’m talking about, like.. about growing up. you’re happy. embracing it. i don’t get that.”

he hums lowly, kissing your crown. “first of all, we grew up a long time ago. and of course i’m happy to be getting older. sure, we’ve come a long way, and i am entering a different stage, but it’s exciting to see what comes with it. personally, i’m especially excited to see how sexy i get once i’m thirty..” he laughs, nuzzling into your nape when you let out a little giggle.

“and.. you’re not afraid to lose what you’ve had in your twenties?” you look up at him, so much vulnerability, genuinely worried about this predicament, and you can see the way he softens at it.

he shakes his head, “nope. because i’ll always have those memories to keep. and i have you, the kids.. you guys are a part of my twenties. am i gonna lose you all after the next..” he checks his watch, “fifteen minutes?”

immediately you’re shaking your head, leaning into him impossibly close. “no! of course not.. you’ll have me, them, for forever.”

“well? there you have it then. i’m not losing my twenties, or any of my youth for that matter, by turning thirty. i still have you all with me, and i’ll keep you until i die. and even after that.” he emphasizes the last part with a kiss to your temple.

you nod your head. “i just feel like life keeps moving. and it keeps getting faster, but i can’t keep up. i don’t remember the years getting so short, you know?” you fight the way you get a little choked up the longer you talk, but he notices, as always, hands starting to rub against your waist.

this time, he has to take a moment to think, going silent to think of a response. “i understand how you’re feeling. i think that way more than i’d like to admit, but..” he pauses again, “there’s nothing we can do but look up, right? not everything has to be at the pace you’ve set for yourself. you don’t have to be what everyone expects you to be right now. whatever part of life you’re ready for, whichever part you want to be, i’ll be here to love you and support you through it, okay?” he holds you by your chin, keeping eye contact while he speaks, pouting slightly to help push his point, jerking his head to force your verbal response when you nod. he smiles satisfactorily when he hears your little okay, leaning in to give you kisses, on your lips and all over your face.

“now. no more sadness, okay? there’s one minute left, and my birthday wish is for us all to be happy. happiness only, ‘kay?” he noses the crook of your neck, laughing when you flinch at the little kisses that tickle your skin.

seungcheol’s phone rings, jeonghan calling, and you know that means it’s hit midnight, and you reach for it to hang up on him. you turn to face him, reaching for the little cupcake set beside you. i’ll be the first one, you mumble, lighting the candle before looking at him with a smile. as you start singing, his face shines so bright under the orange glow of the flame, smile so wide and perfect, even after all these years. as the song comes to a close, you feel much more excitement towards the future than you previously had, even if it’s not by much. seungcheol’s eyes fall shut as you end the song, adding a few extra notes to be fancy, laughing as he makes his wish and blows the candle out.

“happy birthday, my cheollie.” with a finger you wipe icing on his cheek, immediately going in to kiss it off. when you try going back in a second time, he turns his head, holding you against his lips by the back of your head. this time, it’s a little more romantic than the last few, his hands holding your body as close to him as it can get.

he pulls away, not by far, your foreheads touching, “thank you, baby girl.” he kisses you again, “i can’t wait to spend my thirties and forever with you.”

the meeting ୨୧

with sticky fingers, glue extremely uncomfortable against your skin, you keep your hand raised for miss teacher to come help. she’s too busy helping the boy with macaroni noodles in his nose. you don’t care to learn his name. his personality is too big for you.. he’s always yelling, and the first time you heard his tiger roar it made you cry. 

she’s still busy. he’s got them completely stuck up there, you think. she has to take him to the nurse. miss teacher’s teacher friend comes to watch the class while she leaves with macaroni boy. you keep your hand raised, and it’s starting to hurt from how long you kept it up. miss teacher’s friend isn’t paying attention either, though.. apparently one of the other boys knows her from somewhere else, and he keeps taking her attention from you because of his singing.

you accept defeat, putting your hand down with a sigh. you look around your table, one you’re all by yourself at, and there’s not a wipe in sight. you try a tissue, but it sticks to your skin and leaves an icky feeling. you can’t use the sink, because miss teacher said to ask permission, and asking permission is too scary! 

everyone’s tinkering away on their artwork, loud sounds of crayon buckets, singing, and yelling all filling up your senses. no one sees you, and no one’s helping. it’s all too much, and your eyes screw shut. you don’t want to cry, because someone will see and make everyone look at you ‘cause they noticed. you get down under your table, hiding your head in your arms (keeping your hands a safe distance from your body) as you not only hide from the world, but also hide your tears.

jeonghan sees your entire situation from his table. he thought it’d be funny at first, watching you struggle and potentially make a really big mess, but you look sad. why are you sad at making a mess? it’s so fun! you look so icky and not happy with all the glue and fuzzies on your hand, and he notices your chest moving fast. he looks at his companion to see if he noticed, but said friend is too busy coloring in his shinchan to notice.

“cheollie, look.” he pokes the boy in his shoulder, and he looks about ready to cuss like his dad does when he hits his toe. “that girl is crying.” jeonghan points to you, body shuddering from under your workspace.

“it’s rude to point.” seungcheol smacks his friend’s hand down. “and i saw. the right thing to do is to tell miss teacher.”

“miss teacher isn’t here. she left with youngie, ‘member?”

“oh. so we get the other teacher? because she’s in charge now ‘till miss teacher comes back.” seungcheol always talks like he’s the boss, but that’s just because he got the teacher’s helper job this month. and the ones before that. 

“no!” jeonghan grabs seungcheol’s sleeve, letting him go when he stops moving and puts his hands on his hips. “i’m miss teacher now! i can fix it!” 

he looks around for the wet wipes to give to you. they’re on the big shelf, so he waits until the new lady turns away to run over and take them. with his evil laugh, he tiptoes away and puts them on your table. 

slipping down to sit beside you, he taps your shoulder. “did you make a mess?” you nod, head still down. he grabs the wet wipes, ripping some out of the container. a little water splashes out, but he makes sure it doesn’t hit you. “it’s okay. everyone makes messes sometimes. don’t be sad.” 

you pick your head up, sniffling aggressively, before putting your hands out. instead of giving you the wipes, he does it for you with a little ‘hannie can fix it!’, gently scrubbing away at the mess on your hands. you’re still sniffing away the whole time, using your now (mostly) clean hand to wipe at your eyes.

once he’s finished, he closes the container and hands you the box of tissues. “you have some boogers.” he giggles at your embarrassed face, slowing down when you don’t react or say anything.

he asks your name, and you give it to him, a little wobbly, and he takes your hand to shake it. “i’m jeonghan. i’ll be your friend now, okay?” he brushes his hair from his eyes, “we’ll be friends forever! and i’ll always be here to help you when you need it.”

childhood ୨୧

you and jeonghan are a little older now. not old enough, you both say, but old enough to start having homework and wish you were as cool as your upperclassmen. ever since you met in kindergarten, jeonghan’s kept his word, staying by your side no matter what. his “stinky” little sister started going to school too, and she’s just as fun to be around. he gets jealous though, and always pulls you away from her to focus on him instead.

right now though, he doesn’t have to worry much. little sis is in her little kid classes right now while you guys get to have recess! you and him are sitting on the bench next to all your friends, some of which are playing basketball, while the others draw with sidewalk chalk or hang upside down on the monkey bars. 

jeonghan would very much prefer playing basketball, but you don’t like the idea of getting too close to other people or the idea of contact sports. he doesn’t really understand why, but the thought of you sitting by yourself, considering the fact that you don’t like any of the outdoor activities, makes him upset. he’d very much rather stay with you, making sure you aren’t lonely, watching over you as you pluck wildflowers from the grass.

“jeonghan?” seungkwan starts, getting the attention of the both of you. you both look up from your hands, where the both of you were looking at the small collection of flora you had found. “are you two dating?”

immediately you guys are grossed out, scooting to the opposite ends of the bench. “ew, no! that’s disgusting! we’re just friends, right?” jeonghan says, grimacing at the idea, before turning to you.

you nod, a small little movement, “just friends. i’m too young to get a boyfriend, and i don’t like how much boyfriends and girlfriends touch. it’s.. icky.”

“you guys touch a lot.. so, doesn’t that mean you’re dating?” when you guys shake your head, he calls the attention of soonyoung, who eventually brings the rest of your friend group over. “soonyoung, they’re dating, right?”

“come on guys, don’t make a crowd like that, it’s overwhelming!” jeonghan complains, partly trying to change the subject, but also trying to save you because he knows you’ll start getting uncomfortable soon.

soonyoung makes his way over, pinch fingers on his chin like he’s making some sort of elaborate analysis. “um, yeah, they’re dating! my sister has a boyfriend, and they do the same stuff as her and jeonghan! they hug every day at the end of school, and you know who else does?”

this small connection creates a moment of silence before everyone bursts out in loud chatter, some complaining about your age, others yelling and screaming about cooties. the commotion is enough to bring the teacher over, ending in your recess cut short and a conversation about why having a boyfriend or girlfriend is not something you should be worried about right now.

your discomfort is eased when you go home and talk to your mom, asking her if you and jeonghan have to date. she’s full of giggles when she lets you know that yes, boys and girls can be just friends, and he’s simply someone who cares a lot about you.

teenhood ୨୧

you’re in your math class, and you’re sat next to seungcheol. jeonghan’s right behind you, not allowed to sit next to you due to his endless chatting. not a single one of you is paying attention, all too focused on the trip to the convenience store that you’re planning to make after school.

you’re writing in cheollie’s notebook with a list of everything you, him, and hannie might want to buy when something hits your head. seungcheol catches it, giving a glare to the boy across the room who threw it. you didn’t even do anything, but just seeing his face freaks you out. he unfolds the piece of paper, and when it’s fully unraveled, you take a look.

‘i like shy girls. will you be my shy girl? - hyungwon’ 

you look at cheol, who looks at you, before handing the paper to jeonghan. he takes one glance at it, switching his gaze to hyungwon, before tearing the paper up and throwing it on the floor.

the teacher asks him to pick it up and he refuses, giving him one of two referrals for the day. the next one comes after class, sending him home with bloody knuckles and one less friend. not that it mattered anyway, the only friend he truly cares about is you.

every question you ask about his outburst is avoided, not only because he doesn’t want to talk about it, but he doesn’t have an answer. he’s just protective, okay? watching over you like a brother, nothing else.

college ୨୧

it’s nearly 4am when jeonghan finally comes stumbling through the front door of your home, giggling and burping like an idiot. when he sees you it only gets worse, eliciting a sigh from you as he falls into your lap. 

“hannie, can you get up please? you’re bending the pages of my book. i spent a lot of money on this.” you complain, yet you make no effort to push him away, heart warm at how content he looks to be with you.

“shit, sorry.” he brushes hair from his eyes, sitting straight up on the couch before his head eventually falls on your shoulder. “i’m so drunk.” you have no idea why he’s making such a statement, and honestly it makes you cringe because.. obviously? all it takes is one whiff for you to know. not even, just look at him.

“i know, and that’s why you should go to bed. it’s almost daytime already.” you say, already helping him up to take him to his bedroom.

“wait!” he puts his hands out, backing away from your grasp, “..can we sleep here? in the living room, like we used to?”

you look at him, so incredibly tired, both physically and mentally, pinching the bridge of your eyebrows as a headache threatens to kick in. he looks so cute, unfortunately for you, pouting as he accidentally falls back into the couch after losing his balance. he straightens back up right away though, even making an effort to put his hands together to help persuade you.

eventually you relent, grumbling about him needing to change out of his clothes as you go grab all your blankets. he follows right behind you, not even thinking twice when he starts stripping while you’re in the middle of stripping his bed of its blankets. he pays no mind to your obvious flusteredness, simply chuckling before going to help you.

there’s a little blanket cushion underneath your backs, little fairy lights creating a cozy atmosphere as you lay facing each other. jeonghan’s eyes keep fluttering shut, begging him to go to sleep, but he fights it, forcing them open to watch you. his hand falls to your cheek, knuckles brushing your skin, running over the side of your face before pushing stray hairs behind your ear.

“you know, i’ve always found you so pretty. like, a crazy amount.” he says bluntly, casually, as if it’s something normal.

“excuse me?”

“yeah.” his voice is so soft, his pupils blown wide as his eyes trail over your pretty features like he’s committing them to memory. “you just have something about you that makes me feel like i’m drowning, and i can’t get out. but i don’t want to. i love it.”

“you’re being weird, han. go to sleep.” you flush, pulling the blanket up to your nose.

immediately he’s propping himself up on his elbow, other hand pulling it back down. “let me see you, please…” he nearly zones out for a good while, making you squirm as his eyes lock onto your face.

“you know.. i think i love you. i always have.” he pauses, looking you over before taking a look at himself, his surroundings, and the entire apartment you rent together, “yeah. i never really understood what love looked like, but i get it now. i look at us, and i know. it’s us.” he chuckles.

“jeonghan, wh- you’re drunk, you can’t just say that when you don’t even mean it-”

“shh, shh, i’m not lying. there’s some saying or whatever, right? anyway, long story short, i’m telling the truth and i’m gonna go throw up now.”

adulthood ୨୧

you’re walking down the streets of paris, walking alongside your boyfriend, jeonghan, with seungcheol and the others on your other side. it’s time for one of those week-long group vacations, and for some reason jeonghan forced everyone to agree to go out of the country. usually your trips are only thirty minutes or so from home, but this time you’ve gone days away. you keep asking him why he spent so much money for everyone to come out here, but he just shrugs, saying eh, i needed a change of scenery.

the bags in your hands are getting heavy as you walk down the streets of the shopping district, everything’s lit up in the night lights, river glistening as you and the group walk alongside it. jeonghan forced you to leave your wallet at the mansion-turned-rental that you all are staying at, paying for literally everything you touched. by now, you’ve racked up copious amounts of jewelry and other accessories, and just as you turn to him, ready to indirectly ask why he hasn’t started carrying your bags for you, you realize he stopped walking. everyone stopped walking, actually.

“hannie? guys, what are you doing?” you look at jeonghan, standing alone with a nervous smile, the rest in a small clump behind him. they shush you, pointing and gesturing to your boyfriend.

“baby, come here,” he says, breathlessly, taking your hands when you come close enough. “wanna know why i brought you here?” you hum, and he tries his hardest to hide the shaking in his breath before he continues speaking.

“it’s because i wanted to give you something special. a trip with all your favorite people, me first obviously..” he chuckles, “but seriously. i want this to be a trip for you to remember, because it’s going to be the last one before our lives change.. a lot.”

he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a tiny velvet box, and your eyes nearly fall out of your head as he drops to one knee. your full name falls from his lips, and all of a sudden you’re tearing up as he starts a little speech.

“i still remember the first time i saw you. on the first day of kindergarten. you were crying, sobbing actually, because you didn’t want to leave your mom. a lot of our other classmates were crying too, but you were the only one i felt bad for. everyone else? i wanted them to shut up.. seriously.” he doesn’t waste a second to glance at a few of your friends behind him, laughing as their complaints help to ease his nerves a bit. “since then, i made it a mission to help things.. not suck for you. at least back then, i wanted you to be happy during school. but.. we got older, and we never drifted apart. as the years went by, i my mission changed, even if i didn’t know. it changed to me.. wanting you to be happy always. for your whole life. that’s still what it is today. so, if you’d let me try my best to succeed, will you please marry me?”

you don’t even hesitate to nod yes, falling into his arms, kissing him while you cry like the same baby you were twenty something years ago. the same crybaby jeonghan fell in love with, and will continue to love forever.

the wedding ୨୧

yet again the tears keep falling as you stand before your fiancee, stuttering and sniffling through your vows. you poured your whole heart into them, so so grateful for the life you’ve gotten to live alongside jeonghan. he’s been your rock through everything, like a little island that’s always there to listen, always there to help. there’s not a single person on this earth who knows you better than he does, not even yourself. before he learned to read the alphabet, he knew how to read your emotions, read between the lines of everything you said and help you accordingly. he’s who you go to for everything, he’s who you think of first when anything good happens, and it’s been like that ever since you were little, back when you were little, still finger painting as a class activity.

it’s his turn now, and he pretends that something’s in his eyes as he wipes them, making the crowd laugh. he takes a deep breath in before pulling a loose leaf paper from his blazer and clearing his throat.

“it’s been thirty years of knowing you, loving you, and i think it’s time that i finally make a confession.. do you remember when we were in college, and i came home drunk? yeah, yeah, i know it happened a bunch of times.. but there’s one specific occasion where i mentioned how much i love you. i always lied about that night, saying i didn’t remember, but i think now’s the time where i tell you.. i did. and i still stand by everything i said. i’ve always been yours, since i befriended you back when we were five. i didn’t know it, but that exact moment is when my heart became yours. it has been ever since then. you are the best thing the world has ever given me, and i’ll forever be indebted to you for showing me what love is like, and how proud and lucky i am to be able to give that to you. i’m incredibly grateful to have you in my life, and.. oh, you thought i could go a whole ment without any teasing? funny.. anyway, i’m so incredibly lucky to be marrying you, and so excited to be legally tied to my favorite crybaby. now, let’s get married, hm?”

after many teary giggles and kisses, you and jeonghan are finally husband and wife. it feels so right, so perfect. it’s not even anything different, you guys are just living the same life you always have, doing the same routine, all with a new title. yet, it feels good knowing that you are legally each other’s, rather than just in your heads. the whole night is spent basking in that, full of joy knowing that you are forever tied together, each other’s firsts and lasts.

getting older ୨୧

you can’t do as much as you used to, and you’re getting to the age where you start getting discounts at local events. your skin is littered with scars and wrinkles, evidence of all the joy and laughing you’ve experienced throughout life. you’re committed to a life at home, planting pretty little flowers in your garden and sitting on the porch of your country home, reading books and waving at the little kids playing in the street. it’s peaceful, and most dread the part of life where you get old, but to you? it’s perfect. everything you’ve ever needed.

jeonghan’s car pulls into the driveway, and his smile shines bright as he makes his way toward you. he falls into the seat next to you on the swinging bench with a groan, rubbing his creaky knees as he hits the cushion. suddenly, his grimace switches to something sweeter as he pulls a pretty bouquet of flowers from behind his back, placing it in your lap with a smile.

“you deserve something nice.” he says, leaning in for a kiss. you wrap an arm around him, returning the affection before placing your head in his neck.

“i love them, hannie, they’re so beautiful.” you smile, eyes closed and all as he strokes your hair, looking down at you like he’s met an angel. to him, he did.

“my pretty angel only deserves the best, no?” he leans back, letting you cuddle into him as you watch the clouds.

“i wouldn’t say pretty, now.. i’ve got wrinkles, and my hair is grey.” you pout.

he shushes you, peppering kisses over every wrinkle, and all over your crown. “bullshit- oh, sorry, i mean.. nonsense. you’re just as beautiful as you were when we met, okay? like i said, my pretty angel only deserves the best, right?” he looks at you expectantly until you hum in agreement, “now, if only i was able bodied enough to still give you the best in bed, oh i’d show you-”

“jeonghan!” you giggle, swatting at his chest. he only pouts, shrugging innocently as you laugh together. despite getting older with every day, he never fails to make you feel just as beautiful and just as loved as you did back when you were twenty.

the sixteen year old girl across the street watches you both with her friends, and they all nod in agreement when they say that they only want a love like that. something so sweet, so pure that everyone can just tell how long you’ve loved each other. every day, he comes home from work (don’t worry, it’s not taxing at all and he gets paid good) with a cute little gift for you, his eyes turning into big hearts at the grateful little smile you give him every time. the whole neighborhood adores you two, looking at you both as models of pure, true love.

the end ୨୧

it’s late at night, and after a good few hours of stiffly slow dancing to your favorite music, you and jeonghan finally lay down. you spent the night doing a lot of things you haven’t done in a while, now that you think about it, and it was quite refreshing. you ate a bunch of junk food, sang silly songs with unnecessary amounts of curse words, and now you’re ending it with endless pillow talk.

neither of you addressed it, but you both have a feeling that this is the last time you’ll be able to do this. you aren’t scared. this may be the first time you aren’t afraid, but jeonghan looks so calm that you feel like things will be okay. he simply shot up, definitely pulling something in the process, taking your hand and offering for you both to spend it having as much fun as possible.

that you did! the whole night was spent reminiscing on the past decades with each other, and it truly felt like you were traveling back to that point in time. each photobook you flipped through, each friend you thought of and silently congratulated for outliving you both, it all felt.. peaceful. maybe a little bittersweet, but every moment is looked back on fondly.

“we’ve spent all of our lives together,” he starts, fingers combing through your hair as you lay down together. “i’d say you made them the best years of my life, but that’d be dumb. you were there for the whole thing.”

you chuckle, tucking your head into his neck. “it’s okay, i’d say the same thing.” 

he hums, “seriously, though. you make me so happy. i don’t think you know just how much.” 

it’s then that you fall asleep for what would be the last time, promises of a more romantic tomorrow. no death talk was allowed, jeonghan wouldn’t have that. you only spoke of a next time, one where you were definitively together. you don’t fight it, just accept that you won't see the next morning. it’s okay, because you’re passing knowing that you lived a full, long life. one where you never doubted how much you were loved. 

ryul ☆

ryul is almost more feminine than you in the sense that his instagram is very meticulously crafted, his feed overly aesthetic, only four to five posts up, all of which are carefully created photo dumps.

he has probably only two highlights, one for those dumb photos when you two go out where he stops you like, baby, please get a photo of me right here. this is so tough, and it’s just a pic of him looking at his feet that he pairs with his trap song of the day.

the other one is a little more special, because it’s all of you. that’s the one time you’re okay with his nitpicky photo sessions, where he’s (playfully) barking orders and pouting when you say you’re tired and it’s stupid.

the best photo sessions for his “gf” highlights are the faceless ones, like a photo of his hand in the back pocket of your shorts, or a mirror “fit check” photo that’s really just to show him kissing your cheek. the true best ones though, are him

showing off your nails. black, studded, ryul style in bold font on the ring finger, and any kind of

design that just screams your shared aesthetic.

“come.” he’ll take your hand, guiding it to rest on his chest, fingers splayed against the muscle, hidden under a black tank. “perfect. take a photo like that.” then he’ll have you take another one, this time of your fingers wrapped around his bicep, photo capturing a fresh set laying right atop a vein. once he’s satisfied, he’ll post a collage style story with all the photos you took, a random song added and the caption “paid by me.” yeah, the photoshoot process is annoying, but it’s just because ryul loves you and wants to show you off.

ohyul ☆

the music is booming, you have absolutely no clue what ohyul or any of your friends have been saying to you, but the thc in your system makes it so you don’t care. they probably don’t know what they’re saying either, so it’s chill.

ohyul stands behind you at the couch, you know he’s there just by his scent. he reaches around you to press his can to your lips, offering you a sip, which you take and scrunch your face at the flavor. he pulls it away, and some girl behind you asks your boyfriend for her own sip. from his can. and you know she didn’t just switch her tone from all cute to bitchy when you snap your head around.

he notices, and just smiles at you, before it drops so he can address the girl. the box is over there, you read his lips, and that’s all he says before turning his attention back to you. taking your hand, he leads you out to the back patio. the music is quieter, but still loud, and there’s less people nearby. there’s maybe three or four people, and they’re all locked in on cup pong.

you run your hands up his chest, nails scratching his skin over his black tee. they slide up and lock around his neck, bringing him down to your lips. he kisses you once, laughing into it, but quits when you kiss him back with the bite you only give when your alone. the kind of energy that tells him you’re ready to boss him around how he likes.

“what, are you jealous?” you hum in response to him, pushing yourself into him and kissing him again. “i did everything i was supposed to. except ignore her, sorry.”

“mm.” you prop your chin on his shoulder, eyes falling shut. his hands land on your hips, warm and comforting when he presses his thumbs into your skin. not that it was hard to tell, but he’s always tuned to your moods and knows just what to do when you’re upset.

your eyes open for just a second and you catch the glint of your nails in the corner of your eye. as if you discovered the next best invention, you pull your phone from your back pocket and pull up the camera. with just the bottom of your face in frame, you capture ohyul’s broad shoulder, your nails splayed across it, his name on your ring finger perfectly in the center. pressing a kiss to his neck, you waste no time posting the photo to your story with a song that will definitely show people who your boyfriend belongs to, if nothing else gives it away.

you’re hanging upside down on the edge of jihoon’s bed, soonyoung laying on the floor in front of you, spiderman kissing you every five minutes. jihoon is at his desk, clicking away at yet another track he’s doing for an assignment. you and soonyoung invited yourselves to chill in his dorm (the dorm that soonyoung also lives in, but still needs permission to enter during sessions) while he worked, much to his very fake displeasure.

“oh, hoon, that harmony sounded good,” soonyoung starts, looking at him from his incredibly unpractical position on the floor. his career is surely to end if he keeps contorting himself that way.

he sighs, aggressively removing his headphones. “it’s not a harmony. it’s just an octave.” then he turns, squinting aggressively at the other. “it’s been almost a year, haven’t you learned anything?”

soonyoung looks at you, little smirk pulling at his lips, before turning back to his boyfriend, “not gonna lie, i’m never really paying attention to note theory when you’re making beats.”

jihoon’s eyebrows nearly reach his forehead, posture straightening in shock, “note theory?! soonyoung, we live together.. how can you be so dumb-“

finally, you cut in, getting up from your spot and strolling over to jihoon, soothing him with your hands on his shoulders. “relax, hoonie.. he’s trying..” you whisper i think.. in his ear, and finally his frown fades, “he’s doing his best. not everyone’s a master composer like you are.”

his nose scrunches when you kiss his cheek, “it’s like.. common sense.”

soonyoung shoots up, eyebrows furrowed, arms out like he was accused of murder, and you can see it in his chest how his voice is about to raise by a million decibels. “it’s not my fault! i’m the one dancing to it, not making it! why do i need to- okay, tell me how much you know about choreography, huh?!”

he snorts, “i actually know a lot. because i actually listen to the hours of nonsense you talk to me about.”

soonyoung’s mouth is gaping, his lips twitching. you can see the gears turning in his head while he thinks of what to say, before eventually flopping on his (jihoon’s) bed, groaning and whining and yelling into the pillow. you both know he’s asking for sickeningly sweet cuddling and consolation, but the same way you would a child, you urge jihoon to wrap up his session while he has the chance.

you stroll over to him, running a hand through his cropped white hair, “hoshi…” you sing-song, “soonie…” one of his eyes open, “if you come back to us,” you whisper the next part “i’ll make jihoonie pay for our dinner..”

it’s then that he immediately shoots up, all smiley, scrolling through your phone and his phone and jihoon’s phone for the most delicious and most nutritional thing you can all share. after making a decision, you both have to rip your boyfriend from his chair to go and have your meal. at least you didn’t rack his wallet this time, thanks to soonyoung sweet talking the waitress into giving you all extra food.

ohyul who everyone knows and loves, is the funniest and chattiest person ever. his mouth never closes when he’s with his friends. however, he’s.. awkward with you. awkward in the sense that conversation just doesn’t flow as easily between you two. every time he talks to you it just wnds in him bullying you (albeit teasingly) or he doesn’t say much at all.

it all changes when you finally score a hangout with him, someone you’ve had the biggest friend crush on since forever, and the rest of his friends. you just so happened to be close with a girl who was dating one of ohyul’s friends, and finally, you got lucky!

the beginning of the night started with a movie, where your ticket was already paid for. once you got into the theater, everyone sat down at random seats and left you and ohyul sitting next to each other. throughout the whole thing you were commenting on it to each other, sharing the large popcorn he offered to buy. after a good few comments there was a couple pieces thrown at you with a stop speed dating and watch the movie!

ohyul who continues being his weird self with spotty small talk the rest of the night and throughout your time bowling with him and the others. every time you scored higher than him he had something snarky or obnoxious to say, but you and the others laughed it off as you kept going.

eventually it ended, and you all were talking about what to do before leaving. majority of the group wanted to sit down to eat, but you wanted something light so you split up. once you had what you wanted, you’d find them again. 

you’re walking in silence after the buzz of laughing with everyone, until you hear a where are you buying from? behind you. there ohyul stands, group fading behind him, face unreadable as he follows you. 

suddenly the air gets heavier as you walk towards a froyo spot that you’re lucky enough to catch before closing. casually, without even thinking about it, you mention wanting to try all the toppings you never have before. with a random, vague vulnerability you’ve never felt in your life, ohyul follows after you and gets a cup of his own to do the same.

ohyul who follows you around the whole store, making a froyo bowl next to you, talking a mile a minute and forming a whole conversation with you. it’s feels as if you guys have known each other for years. there must have been something in his theater slushy, or his bowling alley pizza, because he’s never been like this in his life. he feels like a brand new person, like a switch flipped, and the air turns from stale to strangely intimate in a way that makes you stutter when you review the gummy bears in your cup.

ohyul who comments on his bowl as well, just like you, before dropping some of his toppings on yours to hear your own opinion. he shamelessly picks off of yours too, with permission of course, smiling softly and giving his opinion as you do his. ohyul who does it so casually and with such normalcy that you genuinely feel crazy. you feel like you have to vlog the review just so you have proof that this experience is real.

ohyul who goes quiet when you meet up with the group again, and everyone’s face changes when they realize he was with you. he rolls his eyes when he hears a louis-sounding whisper and what were they doing..? as he heads out towards the exit. you stand there, sputtering like a fish out of water, just as dumbfounded as they are. the whole walk catching up to him is spent trying to defend yourself, trying to explain that yes! it did feel weird and there was something in the air! it’s just that you also didn’t expect it and were thrown for a loop too…

his body gets smaller as crouches down on the side of the street, nimble fingers reaching in his coat pocket for a treat to feed the cat he found in the middle of your walk together. his smile is soft, fond, eyes sparkling as he holds it out, murmuring softly as the cat slowly comes forward. it’s so simple, but such a beautiful scene, seeing an animal so stuck on independence easily give into the man. your heart aches, not even from how your boyfriend acts, but the pure delicacy of the scene tugs at your heartstrings. you can only appreciate him more. in such silence, simply being a bystander of such fond, pure, but so incredibly simple moments, your heart feels full. even when he turns to you, finished with the moment that you hadn’t even realized had ended, you’re speechless. no, you can’t look him in his teasing eyes and explain to him why you feel so in love, watching him find joy in the world around him, scenes so plain that they’re nothing to write home about. your entire body feels warm, your entire being full of adoration. all that comes out when he asks what’s up with you is a dry huff of air, because how? how are you supposed to describe this feeling?

one day, he shows you some of the pages of his journal. yes, that’s the one. the one where he writes everything he feels, all the angry, the sad, the happy, the stuff that doesn’t make sense. the kind of things you write down so you can start to make sense of it. he shows it to you, and the first page is almost like a scrapbook. glued to the page are three polaroid photos, one’s he’s messed with to look vintage. one shows the sidewalk, grass and wildflowers peeking through the cracks. the next is at the beach, and you see a hand drawing in the sand with a stick. it seems like yours, definitely is when you see yours and his initials written in the sand. finally, the last photo is of a weeping willow, flowing in the wind, under the streetlights at a time that’s surely after midnight.

not even the cheapest art gallery would accept these photos. but, does it even matter? you don’t get it, but you can see where the special parts come in, you can look through the lens of his camera, his glasses, and see just what makes these photos so special to him. again, it’s the simplicity that plucks the air from his lungs, now yours. all that he needs to see for a moment to deserve room in his sd card is one thing— life. and you do sob upon seeing the tiny writing at the bottom, written hastily and microscopically as if it’s a secret not even safe enough to be written in confidence; now, my world is full of color.

when his birthday comes, your eyes well up with tears when you think of all the time you’ve had with him. there’s no way, in any language created on earth, that you could express all the feelings he ignites in you. he’s.. liberating, healing, hell, he’s your savior. yet none of these words equate to the amount of love in your heart. it rattles your bones, makes your blood rush with a fervor that makes your mind race and your vision blur. every one of us was made with something unique inside us, he says to you, all humans are special. but how can that be said? no human who has or will ever walk this earth is like him. no one is as pure, as well-minded, as beautiful or as kind-hearted as him.

these words come out jumbled when you think them aloud, but with teary eyes and a fifty-cent pen you write out every word that has been said thus far, and hand it to him on paper, paired with nothing but a pressed wildflower, dried with the weight of novels you share. anyone else might find this cheap, lazy, dumb in terms of a gift meant to celebrate the person getting older. it pales in comparison to the absolute poetry he spews to you on a whim. but, you know him. the flower, plucked straight from the wilderness outside, as simple as the life he has shown you and taught you to appreciate. a letter, so messy, unorganized and ruined with tear stains. prose completely unformatted and simply a chaotic expression of love and adoration. it’s not much, but in the eyes of you and him, it’s everything. your entire heart, cut out and bared for him to hold onto forever.

when you give it all to him, your whole being put on a silver platter, he’s overjoyed. the smile on his face is shining, sweet but subtle, and even if his reaction on the outside is small, it’s so easy to just know that it means so much more. like your own little language where expressions are how you communicate, the hug he gives you, the deep breath he takes to accommodate for the swelling of his heart, it says it all. it means a thank you, an i love you, and a million other things that spoken words cannot convey. jeon wonwoo is so strong, so beautiful, so pure in body and soul, and it will forever be impossible to convey that feeling to your whole world directly, so you make sure to remind him with the simple, little things, coined as the special way you always have and always will do for each other.

—

bf!jaemin and the olive theory <3

whenever you guys are eating together, no matter what it is, he always passes you the things from his plate/portion that he knows you like

if it’s a bag of candy, he’ll pick out every single one of your favorite flavor and give it to you

if it’s your dinner plates, he’ll let you give him the things you don’t like off of your plate, and he’ll give you whatever you like off of his

hell, if you don’t like the food you got at a restaurant and you can’t return it, he’ll trade plates with you as a whole

the sweetest thing about this is… almost all the foods he’s giving up for you are things he actually likes! he just pretends he doesn’t so that he can see your smile when you get to have them

you’re laying against the pillow, having another midnight chat with jaemin full of giggles and random conversations that last until the sun comes up. you’ve fallen into a moment of silence, wiping the tears of laughter and catching your breath before you speak up again. 

“nana?” you call, facing him and twirling one of the strands of hair falling into his face. he hums, his head propped up on one arm as he looks back at you. 

“this is really random, but i’m remembering that one time you sifted through an entire party sized candy bag and took all the flavors i didn’t like out before giving it to me. that made me really happy.” 

he smiles, “i’m happy to hear that. i wouldn’t want any of it to go to waste by having those ones left over, so i just gave you a bag without them and kept whatever was picked out for me. only the best for you, hm?” 

“you always pay really good attention, picking the things i don’t like out of my plate, or giving me the things i like off of yours. it makes me feel really loved, and seen.” the conversation shifted form nonsensical to very sweet, and you can see the love and happiness in his eyes as you express these emotions to him.

“truly, i’m really happy that i can make you feel that way. it’s my job to make you feel that way, and i’m doing it well.. but, can i tell you something?” he’s biting back a giggle, copying you and twirling a piece of your own hair. when you nod, he continues, “i actually like a lot of the same foods you do, but i give them up to you anyway because it makes me happy to see you enjoy them.”

your lovesick expression turns to shock, sitting straight up as you look at him incredulously. “so you’re missing out on eating your favorite foods? for me?” 

he nods slowly, laughing at your reaction. “and i actually hate the same foods you do, but i eat them anyway because you said you feel bad wasting them.” 

you’re immediately yelling at him, albeit out of love, complaining about how it’s insane that he’d torture himself like that all for you to be happy, but he just pulls you back down into the soft cushions, shushing you and reminding you that it’s worth it when his princess, his angel is happy.

bf!jaemin who always keeps tabs on your interests, never forgetting a single thing you’ve mentioned.

when you’re at the store together, he pays close attention to everything you look at a second longer than normal 

before holidays or special occasions, he looks through your clothing tags and makeup packaging for certain brands that pop up more than once

when you mention a show or movie you like, he immediately saves it to his watchlist so he can inform himself for you

his ears are always open, ready for you to rant to him about something you like or give him updates on whatever’s going on in your world of special interests

you’re scrolling through jaemin’s phone, a little too obsessed with your own that while it’s recharging you go to look for something else to scroll on. he’s sitting next to you, an arm around your shoulder yet he’s paying attention to the tv in front of you both. you’ve gotten bored of the games he has downloaded, so you end up in his photos app to see what he’s got saved.

unsurprisingly, his camera roll is filled with photos of you, varying from ones which should be kept in his hidden folder, to candids, to ones that you’ve begged him to delete for being ‘too ugly’. there’s a few of his friends too, many of the lu triplets as well. however, after a while of scrolling you come across the photos he took on your last shopping date, and there’s a few random ones of random shelves at different stores?? clicking on them and zooming in, you look closer and they’re actually all stuff you remember looking at. some of them you can even see your finger in frame, pointing at one of the products. 

it really touches your heart, and maybe something’s off in the balance of your body because happy tears prick your eyes as you turn around to look at jaemin, teary-eyed smile on as you point to one of the photos. “nana, why do you have all these?”

he smiles down at you, gliding a hand over your head. “there’s so much you want, i’ve gotta keep tabs, don’t i? i need to make sure i remember it all so i can get it for you in the future.” 

you’re already further in his arms, swinging a leg over his lap to lay your head in his neck and keep your arms around him. in his neck, it’s muffled, but he hears you mumble a ‘that’s so sweet, i love you’ as the crook of his neck dampens. with a hand running up and down your back, he leaves a kiss to your head, reminding you that it’s what you deserve, nothing less.

bf!jaemin who is literally your biggest supporter, to the point where everyone dulls in comparison

his social media rarely ever includes himself, except the few times he can’t help but brag about his own features, usually involving photos of you or his babies.

people can expect to click his story and see candids of you, including a caption like ‘look at my baby go!!’ or something along the lines of that

he’s always at the front line, whether it be for a performance of some sort or simply just ordering something from a cashier, ready to give you his dashing smile and a ‘i’m so proud of you’

his friends will say “i passed all my exams!” and of course he’ll acknowledge that, but not without a “my girlfriend does that all the time like it’s nothing”

you’re loading the test site over and over again, sitting on the cafe toilet while you do so. it was an exam you’d been particularly stressed about, and jaemin offered to take you out as a distraction. you just couldn’t help it though, the time was just a minute shy of what it would be when the scores came out, and you were desperate to find out what you got. he’s been standing outside for what you know is quite a while, likely confused when you were on your way out of the store before suddenly needing to use the bathroom.

finally, nearly slipping off the toilet with anxious sweat, you refresh it one more time and the score is revealed, showing you.. passed! with an obnoxiously heavy sigh of relief, you finish up and run out of the store with a smile. he’s looking at you with an eyebrow raised. he starts speaking, likely asking about why you’re smiling after exiting the bathroom, but in your excitement you cut him off, jumping up and down in front of him.

“i passed! jaemin, i passed it!” you cheer, and he’s already set your cups down, pulling you into his arms, armed with a million kisses as he spins you around in celebration. it leaves you flustered, knowing you’re in public when he does that, but if anything everyone deserves to know that you’re doing such good things. in all honestly, you’re lucky he’s not already telling the people who pass by the two of you.

bf!jaemin who’s your own personal doctor <3

this sort of coincides with one of the other ones, but it’s true. he’s always checking if you’ve eaten, and if not he’s cooking or ordering food for you

you could have the slightest pain or ache, and he’s already ready with lotion to massage the trouble area

he already treats you like a princess, but when you’re sick or in pain you truly feel like one

he always knows just what you need! if you hit him up, telling him about some random feeling, he can diagnose you right away and take care of you just how you need 

you’re way too tired to get up and greet him, but you hear jaemin come in the front door, grocery bags rustling in his hands while he toes his shoes off. you hear him greet his cats, eventually cluttering around the kitchen with whatever he bought. you’re falling in and out of sleep while he does so, waking up a few times to a noise that’s a little too loud, followed by one of his funny replacements for a curse word that he always uses when he’s around you.

eventually, he rubs your shoulder, kissing your cheek to wake you up. you whine, tearing up with fatigue, still pulling him into a hug gratefully. he doesn’t even flinch when you start coughing, spit spraying in his face, shaking off your apology with a laugh. helping you sit up, he helps you take your medicine, spoon feeding you the soup he spent so much time making for you.

he doesn’t force you to finish it all, putting it away when your stomach can’t handle any more. when he comes back, he gets dressed in something comfortable, holding you in his lap while massaging your back, taking the pain away with soft pushes of his fingers. you fall asleep and wake up in that same position, jaemin’s sweet smile looking down at you, suddenly appearing so much clearer now that you already feel so much better.

bf!jaemin being your photographer !!!

we all know his love for photography, and his skill at capturing his loved ones with his camera

you’re no exception! he’s got an entire photo album of you shelved at home, and an even bigger one in his phone

there’s only one person you can ever thank or credit for all the photos on your instagram, and it’s him of course <3

whenever you get all dolled up (pls let him style you, he’ll be so happy!), he’s got his phone out, directing you on how to pose so that he can get the perfect shot

you hear the shutter clicking, paired with the flash coming as you stand with your back turned to jaemin. his thumb is quick against his phone screen, taking a million photos at lightning speed. your face is hidden from the camera, smile bright as you giggle at his comments, hearing him mumble things like ‘wow, so sexy!’ and ‘so beautiful’.

“okay, can you..” he murmurs, gently using a hand to turn your head, revealing your side profile to the camera. you shiver, and he smiles, apologizing with a kiss to your shoulder. 

he backs up once again, standing at different angles to get the best photos of you that he can. not a single one goes by without an over the top compliment, the mini photoshoot ending with a kiss, your back pressing against the cold metal of the bridge’s lighting. it’s post date night, and it was actually jaemin who stopped you, eyes shining impossibly bright when he asked to take photos of you against the second prettiest view he’d ever seen.

it’s safe to say that when he sent the photos to you, all of them being perfect enough for your instagram, all of your friends (and even his) were commenting, praising your beauty and your boyfriend’s skill. it’s safe to say that no matter what, you can trust jaemin in capturing your beauty perfectly.

you come home from work, eyes and feet burning, and you freeze as soon as you walk into your home.

your favorite mug is shattered on the floor.

open sits right next to the pile, sitting all cutely and carelessly as if this wasn’t your final straw. the other two are nearby, also watching over the crime scene with mirth. nope nope nope, you think, kicking your shoes off and booking it to your bedroom.

it’s empty, which you could expect being that junhui’s a city over for work, but that just makes everything so much worse. before you can even begin to consider how silly your tears are, they’re falling, your head landing in your arms as you flop onto the bed.

life has been just so stressful today. your boss was being an asshole, as per usual, calling your work inadequate and such as he usually enjoys doing. on top of working extra hard to make sure yours is immaculate, nearly half of your department also piled theirs onto you, and it took nearly all your willpower to not curse the entire building out and pour coffee all over them. and then, when you come home and think about having a warm cup of tea to calm yourself, you can’t! the cats broke the mug! it truly feels like the universe decided to shit on you today.

just as you get ready to scream into the pillow, your phone rings. you hadn’t turned it off do not disturb so you immediately answer, knowing there’s only one person it could be.

you leave your camera facing the ceiling, head back in your arms as the voice that heals you starts leaving the speaker.

“hi, baby, you must be home now! i do have some news though.. i might be coming home late. there’s..” junhui pauses to take a breath, “there’s a lot of work to be done here. if i don’t do it now, it’ll never be finished. you know me.”

you don’t say anything. you just heave a sigh, a huge one, air hissing through your teeth as you fight the urge to ugly cry. really? the one thing, the sole person who could fix every single problem you have can’t come home to you? literally all you need right now is for him to hold you, to listen to you and talk shit with you about your coworkers, and you can’t even have that.

he calls your name softly, “..are you okay?”

you shake your head, sniffling, before remembering he can’t see you, “no,” you whisper, warbly, trying to hide your tears.

“do you need me?” he asks, all soft and reassuring like he’s ready to sprint home right now. you know he would.

“please..” you say, voice breaking, and then you can’t help as you start crying all over again, makeup smudged all over your face and hands.

“okay, i’ll come. i’ll come as fast as i can, promise. can i see you?” he waits patiently, smiling when he can finally see your eyes at the bottom of his screen. you can see him packing his stuff up already. “why don’t you go in the kitchen, make some tea, calm yourself down while i make the drive home, okay? i’ll go as fast as i can.”

you start crying even harder, shuddering and sniffling as you try to respond. “i- i can’t, because the cats broke my mug.. and i’m sorry, i just left it there, but i really can’t- i really can’t do this right now, i’m so fucking tired and i just wanted to come home and sleep and have you be there-”

“shh, shh, okay, lovie, calm down.. i need you to go in there and clean it up, okay? if you can’t.. just watch over the mess for me, we don’t want our babies getting hurt.. i’ll take care of everything as soon as i get there. i’m already in the car, see? i’ll come home and fix it, and then i’ll hold you in my arms, forever and ever. i pinkie promise.”

and you know he’s telling the truth, because a thirty minute car ride was suddenly fifteen, and he was already cleaning the mess, walking in with a new mug, and holding you in his arms as you vent to him about today’s events.