#xself

The sheets in his apartment were blue, the duvet color on their bed was multi shades of the color as an attempt to give it some dimension. Like he knew what dimension was which was almost ironic considering the man created a living with words and turning them into art on paper. So many times he wanted to sit him down and teach him about actual art and this so-called dimension but it was almost endearing in a sort of way that he fumbled through life picking out things purely because they were his favorite color.

Blue was his favorite color.

His notebooks that he scribbled his next ideas, that he carried around with him everywhere were blue. Even the pens sometimes were that basic blue color that all pens came in as an option of ink. They couldn’t go anywhere without them, something he learned the hard way at a young age. How many panic attacks did he witness just because he didn’t have his notebook near him? At first he thought it was silly, just him being dramatic over a little thing - ha - but soon realized that the writer needed the notebook around him to ease his busy mind. His mind was constantly creating new characters and plot lines for his novels that he needed that small blue notebook on him at all times so he didn’t lose what could be the thing that got him his next paycheck.

Blue was his favorite color.

The shirt he was wearing when he proposed was a soft baby blue. Actually it was denim but Ender let him pretend that he wasn’t stealing the 90’s fashion trend and making it his own. It was cute actually how he declared ‘no Ender it is just a light blue shirt’ whenever he teased him, his cheeks turning this adorable red from the blushing. Though it wasn’t as cute as when he got on one knee and stuttered out to a point it was almost painfully slow, asking if he would marry him. Of course he said yes, he loved that little nerd and made sure to show him just how much he loved him later that night. No he wasn’t crying, thank you very much. He just had something in his eye, that’s all…

Blue was his favorite color, but green was Ender’s.

Okay so green was almost just as unoriginal as blue but he didn’t just like green. Green was boring to explain when asked, so he normally began to describe the first green thing that came to his mind. It’s the same kind of green of the mint that floats in your herbal tea. Or the same kind of green that resembled the grass of a dew-kissed morning when you wake up just before the sun fully rose. The same kind of green that called itself emerald with the way it had its moments of light patches as well as dark ones, never knowing what shade you were going to get until the light just hit it perfectly. It was a color he knew how to describe every time; after all Cole’s eyes were his favorite.

Green was Ender’s favorite color.

It was almost a shame that the only liquor that came in green was midori - is that even really liquor anymore? - or la fée verte. He had his fair share of nights with the green fairy that normally ended up with him curled up on the bathroom floor sweating as the last bits of whatever remained in his stomach threatened to join the rest of it in the toilet. At a young drinking age, he learned that absinthe was one of the rare liquors that could knock him on his ass like that with no memory of the night before. He had a hard tolerance for everything else it seemed, no matter what or how much he drank he couldn’t get to the point of black out drunk like the rest of his so called ‘friends’. That was until he met that wonderful, wonderful green fairy. Everytime he decided to tango with his bottle of absinthe he would wake up on that cold bathroom floor with a hand running through his pitch black curls trying to sooth whatever demons still lingered from the night before. “Why do you keep drinking it? What are you running from?” “...I don’t know”

Green was Ender’s favorite color.

Do you know how hard it was to find green flowers? He didn’t want any Belles of Ireland or anything else that looked like weeds  - though Cockscomb was almost the winner just because of its name alone -  or even carnations that were obviously dyed that fake green. What he wanted was real flowers that were green and that seemed impossible to find. He guessed that was just payback for picking green as his choice of wedding colors but really it was that or more blue and blue flowers were just as impossible to find - they really weren’t but he was just too stubborn to admit to Cole that he was wrong -. In the end they went with gladiolus in a soft pale green that was close to what he was picturing in his mind but still not exact. It went with the ivory decorations that was the other color for their wedding. It was going to look perfect, their wedding was going to be perfect just like their love for each other.

Ivory was supposed to be their color.

It had taken some convincing but eventually once they moved into their apartment, the blue sheets were placed on the guest bed. In their place were ivory ones, satin of course, that Ender ordered off line overseas. He wasn’t exactly sure where but they were expensive and they felt nice on his naked body. It was these same sheets that were caressing his naked skin that night as he lied on his back, head turned to look at the city through their open window. When you were this high up you didn’t have to worry about people looking in while you were having sex, but none of that was happening in their room that night as much as Ender had hoped originally when they got home from their dinner out. “What do you want, En? From us?...From me?” Their wedding was just over a month away, the last details were finally taking place and coming together to create the image they both had in their minds. Well mostly Ender’s, Cole had told him time and time again he would be just happy going down to a courthouse and making it official there; but something stopped him, something was holding him back from giving his fiance what he wanted. He just couldn’t figure out what that was.

When he had asked him the question and slipped that emerald green ring on his finger, he had been overjoyed and almost taken back by the love he had felt in that moment. But after… It wasn’t something he was used to, being loved and it scared him. What if he couldn’t give that love back? What if years down the road Cole realized how fucked up Ender was and tossed him aside like everyone else had in his life. Yet, it wasn’t also just that. Something about the idea of being tied down to one person for so long scared him. The idea that he couldn’t be with someone else ever again, well who the fuck wanted that? These weren’t new thoughts to him, they had been ones that had started creeping up on him when they officially started dating over a year ago after many years of friendship and well now-- “I don’t know anymore…”

Now green was still his favorite color.