Lan Xichen’s hands are shaking. His fingers are splayed over his guqin but they are trembling too hard to pluck any strings.
Lan Wangji had suggested to play something, and while Lan Xichen had originally thought it was as good idea as any, he’s starting to realize that it is anything but.
The last time he played was with Jin Guangyao by his side and the memory is threatening to overwhelm Lan Xichen.
It drags up other memories as well; how he taught Jin Guangyao the Song of Clarity, how they played for Nie Mingjue together, how Lan Xichen played for Lan Wangji when he was still bedridden from his punishment.
They are all bad memories and Lan Xichen stands up so fast he almost topples the table over.
He stares at his guqin for a while but he can’t stop the trembling from spreading through his whole body, so in the end he wrenches himself away and leaves the hanshi.
He can’t go far, naturally, but the garden is right there and it’s as good a place to flee to as any.
When Lan Xichen is outside he takes a few seconds to just breathe before he lets his eyes wander.
The garden is pitifully empty; no one has planted any plants since his father died and it shows. Even the few that have been planted are wild and unattended and it itches Lan Xichen in the fingers to do something about it.
There are some plants in pots around, and Lan Xichen looks them over critically. He sees one that reminds him of the blood that welled up on Lan Wangji’s back after his punishment and Lan Xichen feels sick.
He’s going to plant those first, he decides and takes the plot with him.
The flowers should grow to always remind him of his failings and regrets.
~*~*~
Lan Xichen is outside, planting a new flower—he remembered the first time his uncle has ever looked at him with disappointment—when suddenly he senses someone behind him.
Lan Xichen turns, his hands still deep in the soil, and looks up at Jiang Cheng.
“What are you doing?” Jiang Cheng asks, almost rudely, and Lan Xichen looks down at himself.
He’s still wearing white—doubts he’ll ever turn back to the customary light blue of his Sect—and his robes are showing just how long he has been in the garden today.
They are more brown than white right now.
Lan Xichen is aware that he should care about that—Jiang Cheng is another Sect Leader after all—but he can’t bring himself to mind one bit.
“Sect Leader Jiang,” Lan Xichen greets him and Jiang Cheng scowls down on him.
“What did I tell you about that?” he snaps out and Lan Xichen looks down at the plant he is giving a new home.
Jiang Cheng has been visiting regularly during the last few months—despite the fact that Lan Xichen is in seclusion and shouldn’t receive visitors from other Sects—and he has been very clear on just how much he despises the forced politeness between them.
“Jiang Cheng,” Lan Xichen amends and is rewarded when Jiang Cheng squats down next to him.
“What are you doing?” he asks again, critically watching Lan Xichen work.
“Planting,” Lan Xichen gives back and Jiang Cheng lets his eyes wander over the garden.
It’s flourishing, overflowing, and Lan Xichen hates it with every fibre of his being, but he can’t stop.
There are so many regrets he has; so many instances where he disappointed people and he needs to remember them.
“Why?” Jiang Cheng asks, and Lan Xichen works his jaw a few times, before he sighs and tries to clean his hands once the plant is securely in the ground.
“Because I remembered the first time Lan Qiren looked at me like I broke his heart,” Lan Xichen lowly gives back and he can practically feel the confusion coming off Jiang Cheng.
“And you’re planting a flower for that?” he asks as he gets up again.
“Of course,” Lan Xichen says and looks over the garden himself. “I need to remember,” he adds and gets up himself.
There’s a very concerning silence from Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen has a hard time meeting his eyes.
“You need to remember,” Jiang Cheng repeats and looks over the garden again. “Are you always planting something when you remember anything?” he then asks and Lan Xichen sighs.
“Yes,” he honestly tells him and then points to the rose bush next to them. “Those are for all the times I failed to be there for Nie Huaisang,” he explains.
He had started with numerous smaller roses, but they have grown into one big bush by now.
“These are for failing to save Nie Mingjue,” Lan Xichen goes on and points to the next plant. “Those are for teaching Jin Guangyao the song, those are for all the times I let him play for Nie Mingjue, those red ones are for the lashes on Wangji’s back—”
Lan Xichen could go on and on about all his regrets and failings and the mistakes he made, all displayed in his garden, but Jiang Cheng puts a hand over his mouth.
“Shut up,” he snaps as well, and he seems angry in a way Lan Xichen hasn’t witnessed in a few years now. “Are you telling me this is your garden of regret?” he demands to know and Lan Xichen nods, unable to answer with Jiang Cheng’s hand still over his mouth.
“And you remember when you planted every flower?” Jiang Cheng asks then and Lan Xichen nods again.
That’s what they are there for, after all. To remind him that he is just one big failure.
“Why the fuck would you do that?” Jiang Cheng almost yells at him and Lan Xichen jerks back. “This is so you can heal, not so you drown in all of your regrets!”
“Maybe I don’t deserve to heal,” Lan Xichen whispers and he jumps when Zidian sparks on Jiang Cheng’s hand.
“Of course you deserve to heal! You shouldn’t remember all the bad things, Lan Xichen. What about the good things?”
Lan Xichen stays silent for a moment, trying to come up with anything good but he can’t, no matter how he wrecks his brain.
“Do you remember good things when you see the scars on your chest?” Lan Xichen then asks, quite cruelly, he’s aware of that, but Jiang Cheng has no right to judge him.
Lan Xichen has seen the scars one afternoon when Jiang Cheng has arrived at the hanshi, drenched to the bone, and changed right there in front of Lan Xichen.
Jiang Cheng had noticed his stare, and he has told Lan Xichen about the cause of them, more willing and open than Lan Xichen had expected him to be.
So he knows what caused them; so he knows how Jiang Cheng must feel about them.
“Yes,” Jiang Cheng answers, and effectively catches Lan Xichen off guard.
It must show on his face because Jiang Cheng sighs and puts a hand on his chest.
“That must be quite surprising for you, huh?” Jiang Cheng says and gives him a wry smile. “But this scar,” he says and pats his chest, “just reminds me that I loved—still love—my brother enough to give my life to save him.”
Lan Xichen ponders that for a few moments but then he shakes his head.
“But the other one—,” he starts but Jiang Cheng cuts him off.
“Is a reminder that Wei Wuxian loves me enough to do this for me as well,” Jiang Cheng determinedly says. “I don’t like that he did it, and I hate what it led to, but the scar itself is just proof that he loved me. Loves me still, maybe. Yes, bad things surround both of the scars, but what they stand for is entirely positive.”
Lan Xichen can do nothing but stare in surprise at Jiang Cheng and then he turns away from him—walks away, too—because he cannot bear to be around Jiang Cheng a second longer.
“Plant a flower for the good things,” Jiang Cheng calls after him, and despite the anger and feeling of weakness, of worthlessness mixing into a nauseating mess in his stomach, Lan Xichen stops.
“Plant a flower for the first time your brother smiled at you. For when your mother laughed. For the first time you calmed Nie Mingjue down. Remember the good things, Xichen, not the bad ones,” Jiang Cheng tells him and then he abruptly leaves.
Lan Xichen is left standing in his garden, his garden of regret and shame and all the bad things Lan Xichen hates about himself, and suddenly he can’t stand it for one second longer.
When he comes out of his frenzy nothing is left standing.
Lan Xichen supposes it might be better.
~*~*~
He fills his garden again, slowly but surely. This time, though, he keeps Jiang Cheng’s words in mind.
It’s going a lot slower than his first garden though; happy memories are slow to come by and at first Lan Xichen plants a few flowers for noticing a cute bird or enjoying the sun on his face.
It’s only after a few days that he can bring himself to plant something for actual memories that he has, but once he starts, his garden fills up quite nicely.
Jiang Cheng keeps coming by, but he never comments on the garden again. Still, Lan Xichen sees his glances and he knows that Jiang Cheng is following his progress with interest.
If Lan Xichen is being honest, half of the plants he planted this week are for Jiang Cheng. The way he snorted at something Lan Xichen said, the way he looked when the sun hit him; there are many things that Lan Xichen appreciates about Jiang Cheng these days.
Right now Jiang Cheng is seated in front of him, tea forgotten on the table as Jiang Cheng relays the last time Wei Wuxian visited Lotus Pier.
Lan Xichen watches how he moves his hands animatedly, for once not in threats and without Zidian sparking and Lan Xichen can’t suppress his smile.
He realizes that Jiang Cheng talking to him makes him happy--more than that even--and suddenly Lan Xichen can’t fight the urge to plant a flower for that.
“Would you excuse me for a second,” he interrupts Jiang Cheng and despite how Jiang Cheng’s mouth snaps close, Lan Xichen simply stands up and walks out in his garden, flower already picked.
He bends down, to quickly dig a hole for it, but before he’s even half done, Jiang Cheng appears behind him.
“Xichen?” he carefully asks. “What are you doing?”
He appears guarded and Lan Xichen realizes that he never really explained to Jiang Cheng that he started his garden new.
Maybe it’s time to finally do that.
“I’m planting a flower,” Lan Xichen says and then sighs. “I’m planting a flower because I’m happy.”
“You—changed your garden,” Jiang Cheng says and Lan Xichen watches him as he looks around.
Everything is new, and a lot more colourful than before and for once Lan Xichen is actually proud of his garden.
“I did,” Lan Xichen says. “Someone close to me told me why my old way was stupid,” Lan Xichen goes on with a smile and to his absolute delight, Jiang Cheng blushes slightly.
“What’s this one for then?” Jiang Cheng asks with a nod to the recently planted flower and now it’s Lan Xichen’s turn to blush.
He argues with himself for a few moments, if he should tell the truth or come up with a lie, but in the end he settles for the truth.
He’s tired of lying and keeping secrets and having to guard parts of himself. And if he can’t be honest with Jiang Cheng, then who else?
“It’s for you,” Lan Xichen says lowly and then smiles up at Jiang Cheng. “It makes me happy, the way you talk to me, how unguarded and true you are around me,” Lan Xichen explains as Jiang Cheng just stares with wide eyes at him.
“Oh,” Jiang Cheng breathes out and Lan Xichen decides to go all out.
“This part of the garden—it’s all because of you,” he admits and stares fondly at the flowers around him. It’s almost half the entire garden, and all the flowers are linked to memories with Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Cheng’s mouth parts in surprise and he stares at the flowers around them.
Lan Xichen fears he overstepped; that his feelings are entirely unwanted and his breath catches in his chest at that thought, but then a smile breaks out on Jiang Cheng’s face and Lan Xichen breathes easier again.
“A whole garden as a courtship gift is quite the move,” Jiang Cheng says, and his voice is so fond that warmth curls in Lan Xichen’s stomach.
“Only if it’s being accepted,” Lan Xichen gives back and looks expectantly at Jiang Cheng.
“Always,” Jiang Cheng says and gently cups Lan Xichen’s face with his hand. “I just didn’t think you were ready yet.”
“I didn’t think so either,” Lan Xichen admits, but nuzzles into Jiang Cheng’s hand. “But I am,” he then firmly states and Jiang Cheng nods.
“I’m going to have to think about my courtship gift then.”
“You made life worth living again, filled it with something else than regret. I doubt there’s anything else that you can give me,” Lan Xichen tells him and Jiang Cheng laughs softly at that.
“Ah, I’m sure I can think of something,” Jiang Cheng confidently says and Lan Xichen smiles at him.
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