#xesol

Yeah so how are you these days?

I’m still the same, can’t sleep

Your short hair looked so pretty

But I didn’t press like

‘Cause it just seems a bit ridiculous

His fingers scroll down his white smartphone screen. His room is pitch dark and he has been looking at his phone like this for a while, which is not good at all for his eyes. Or his heart. His mind is going back to a million memories of past years and his heart starts clenching little by little. Judging from his Instagram profile, in the end he followed his alternative path, the ‘B plan’ that he remembers having heard about back in their trainee days.

“I think I’ll just be a choreographer if this idol thing doesn’t work out,” he had said jokingly, although he looked like, deep inside, he meant it.

“Don’t say that. We’ll make it work. We’ll do fine, you’ll see. The name ‘ToppDogg’ by itself already feels successful,” he replied back, ruffling the other boy’s hair.

He was not surprised at all by the quality of his choreographies. Hansol- no, Minsung, Jiho reminded himself, was gifted when it came to dancing and not only that, but he was also an innate performer who knew how to combine both dancing and aesthetic features in a unique artistic way. Even so, he had to reckon the boy had improved a hell of a lot. His dancing style was very far from that of the boy who practiced dancing with him in the academy over 7 years ago.

He accidentally clicked on one of his most recent pictures, but he didn’t press the back button. He stared at it. His face looked radiant in spite of not having a smile on it. He looked fine—stable, calm, perhaps even happy. Jiho hoped it was like that. He hoped that he was at least as happy as he had always wanted and deserved. At least it was noticeable that was not the same sad Hansol- no, Minsung, that he had seen for the last time. It was a relief. He wasn’t the same person. He didn’t even look like the one in the old memories of Jiho, if he took a moment to carefully analyse the pictures. Truth be told, Jiho felt like he didn’t know who that boy in the pictures was. They had lived together for many years and shared countless experiences, but he didn’t know that person. Minsung? Jiho had no idea who that was; where he came from. He could barely remember Hansol and he wasn’t sure Hansol remembered him.

The last time they met… Jiho would’ve never imagined it would be the last time and that everything would go downhill from there. Hansol- no, Minsung, dammit, sent him a text on KakaoTalk asking to hang out in a café, just to get some distraction. Back then, it had been long since they had had a schedule as ToppDogg. The promotions for their last album had finished months ago and they weren’t working on new songs or performances or anything of the sort. Everyone were kind of worried about how things were going. Everyone, but especially Hansol. Minsung.

“Hey, sorry I’m kind of l-”

Jiho remembers coming up to the boy to greet him, but as soon as he came a little bit closer he could see the tears streaming desperately down his face. He couldn’t even finish his sentence before he had wrapped his arms around the other’s small frame. Hansol was trembling. Minsung. No, back then he was Hansol.

“Aren’t you tired?” Hansol asked out of the blue after being quiet for some minutes, just barely sipping on his coffee while trying to calm himself down and stop sobbing.

“Mm? Tired… of what? I’d say I’ve had lots of time to get some rest,” he replied jokingly, pretending he didn’t know what Hansol meant.

“That’s the problem, you see. I’m tired of this. Of trying again and again and failing. I’m tired of everything.”

“Hey, don’t think like that. We gotta stay positive. Maybe things aren’t going the way we’d like them to, but we still have our fans and our company—”

“Don’t be silly, Jiho,” he cut him off. “Do you think our fans are gonna wait forever? That they’ll stay by a failed group? Our company’s trying hard for any other artist that’s not us.”

“Hansol,” he called out, covering the boy’s hand with his own on the table, “we knew it wouldn’t be easy, but we can’t lose hope. I trust us and what we can achieve together.”

Hansol looked like he was actually contemplating what Jiho had said, but replied:

“Your optimism is stupid, Jiho.” And retreated his hand to take a hold of his coffee.

After that, they fell silent for a long time. Jiho fidgeted with his fingers over the table. This conversation was making him feel uneasy and awkward; he didn’t know what to say. But more than anything, he was worried about Hansol.

“Has it gotten worse, lately? Have you been feeling worse?” he asked softly, only for Hansol to hear.

“…I just wanna escape from this hell,” he muttered back, not looking at his eyes.

Jiho didn’t know what to say, as per usual, so he chose to stay quiet. Neither of them said anything else for some minutes. Jiho couldn’t even look at Hansol in the face because he felt horrible for not being able of offering more comfort than his stupid optimism. That’s why he flinched a little when he felt Hansol’s hand back on his, caressing his fingers. Jiho didn’t stop him, because he liked the sensation. Because he missed him. Because deep inside, Jiho knew he had committed a mistake that he would always regret, even if he had done it thinking it was the best option for them back then.

“Hansol-”

“I’m gonna miss you.”

Their voices overlapped.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m leaving to China for a few months. To study dancing.”

“What?”

Jiho retreated his hand and straightened up in his seat, almost in shock.

“But… what about the group? Does the company know about this? Did they approve of this?”

There was this look in Hansol’s eyes while he mustered up the courage to finally say:

“…Jiho, I’m leaving ToppDogg.”

In that moment, it felt as if a bucket of cold water had been thrown over him. He couldn’t react. It took him a few moments to grasp what was happening. Leaving to China to study dancing? Leaving the group? Had he lost his mind?

“Do you realise you’re sabotaging the group and being selfish?” was the first thing he managed to say, not really thinking about what he was saying.

“Excuse me? I am sabotaging the group?” Hansol raised his tone a bit. “May I remind you, it was Hyunho and Dongsung who left us first. Hyosang and Taeyang left us too.”

Jiho bit his lip. He knew Hansol was right, but right now his heart was in pain from just imagining Hansol leaving the group and going to another country for who knows how long.

“There is nothing we can do about this anymore, don’t you realise that? What do you want me to stay here for? To see how life passes me by and nothing gets better no matter how hard I try?”

“…You could stay with me.”

Everything became quiet for a few moments that seemed to last for way longer while both of them stared into each other’s eyes. Jiho could see the tears welling up in Hansol’s eyes while he bit his lips and shook his head.

“Please, don’t do this to me…” he muttered in a thin voice.

“If you leave the group, then I will too. We can start all over, together. No fearing and no hiding this time, we won’t have to-”

“Jiho, don’t,” Hansol cut him off softly, getting a bit closer and holding his hands on the table. “That’s not what you want. Besides, it was you who took the decision years ago. There’s no going back now.”

Hansol’s voice sounded so gentle and composed in spite of the tears in his eyes that it was hard to believe what he was saying was hurting Jiho as if a million knives were stabbing his body.

“Why’d you ask me to come, then? If it was going to be like this, you could’ve as well just texted me goodbye.”

You shouldn’t have given me hopes that I was still in time of holding onto you, is what he wanted to say. But didn’t.

“I just wanted to see you for one last time…”

Back then, Jiho couldn’t control the burst of emotions he felt. His sadness mingled with the anger he felt towards himself for having been an idiot and also with the frustration of being so helpless—Hansol was slipping right through his fingers and out of his life, and he couldn’t do anything to stop him.

“That’s it, then. You can leave now. Leave and don’t think of coming back. I hope you know you’re being an asshole.”

He raised his voice more than he should have. His word choice was more aggressive than it should have. Unlike his usually composed self, this time he finally burst. His emotions burst in the worse way possible. They ended up yelling ugly things at each other; hard feelings that had been building up inside them for a long time. Jiho smashed his fist on the table before leaving behind an upset and sobbing Hansol. He shouldn’t have done that. He still feels ashamed of his shitty and immature reaction and regrets everything he did and said that day. Hansol didn’t deserve that.

Somehow, he reached the end of his Instagram pictures. They weren’t many. He remembered the boy had a habit of deleting them. He also noticed he kept only a few pictures of his last days in China and seeing him in those pictures makes his heart clench in fear again. In fear of knowing that he was close to losing him for real, forever. Those had been the worst days Jiho has even been through in his whole life and he hopes he won’t have to ever go through something like that again. At least the latest pictures make him feel a bit more reassured, for it seems that old Hansol he knew doesn’t torment Minsung like he used to do. He looks cared for and surrounded by people. Jiho can only hope for him to never be lonely and for all of those people to be with Minsung when he cannot.

A few pictures above the last ones from China is one from their debut. That one was uploaded when his departure from the group was made official. Jiho didn’t come out of his room for a whole week. In the picture, Hansol thanks everyone. Jiho clenches his fist. He should’ve thanked him the last time he saw him. He should’ve thanked him for helping him make it into ToppDogg. He should’ve thanked him for all of the good moments they shared together. He should’ve thanked him for loving him in spite of the big asshole Jiho could be at times and which he was until their last meeting. He should’ve thanked him for existing—he should’ve wished him success. Had he done that, who knows; maybe Hansol wouldn’t have been on the edge of an abyss. Had he done that, maybe he would find his username when he types it into the list of people Minsung follows.

Jiho decides to call it a night, but then he sees there is a picture of Hyosang on Minsung’s account and he clicks it almost immediately. Oh, he wished him a happy birthday. To the one who abandoned them—but didn’t break his heart or curse him out for trying to pursue his dreams—; he wished a happy birthday to him. Then he finally clicks the ‘back’ button, which closes Instagram and, instead and unknowingly, shows him the time and date: 5:24 a.m., February 3rd.