Group: ToppDogg / XENO-T
Pairing: broken!XeSol (Xero/Hansol/Minsung)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, AU, romance
Trigger warnings:Â non-explicit mention of depression/suicide attempts.
Word count: 2,133
Note: This is the first time I make an attempt at writing a fanfic in English. I originally wrote it in Spanish so most of it is actually just translated, but there are some parts I edited and adapted so itâd sound a bit better? in English, I guess. Please do notify me of inconsistencies or grammar mistakes.Â
As for the fanfic itself, please note that it is only fiction even if it mirrors some things that happened in reality. I hope it doesnât offend anyone in any way. I wrote this because Iâm an emo lil shit who needed to make herself suffer with a made-up angsty scenario that helps her assimilate that sheâs never getting more XeSol moments ever again, probably. So thatâs it. I canât promise youâll enjoy reading it because I cried writing it, so.
Yeah so how are you these days?
Iâm still the same, canât sleep
Your short hair looked so pretty
But I didnât press like
âCause it just seems a bit ridiculous
His fingers scroll down his white smartphone screen. His room is pitch dark and he has been looking at his phone like this for a while, which is not good at all for his eyes. Or his heart. His mind is going back to a million memories of past years and his heart starts clenching little by little. Judging from his Instagram profile, in the end he followed his alternative path, the âB planâ that he remembers having heard about back in their trainee days.
âI think Iâll just be a choreographer if this idol thing doesnât work out,â he had said jokingly, although he looked like, deep inside, he meant it.
âDonât say that. Weâll make it work. Weâll do fine, youâll see. The name âToppDoggâ by itself already feels successful,â he replied back, ruffling the other boyâs hair.
He was not surprised at all by the quality of his choreographies. Hansol- no, Minsung, Jiho reminded himself, was gifted when it came to dancing and not only that, but he was also an innate performer who knew how to combine both dancing and aesthetic features in a unique artistic way. Even so, he had to reckon the boy had improved a hell of a lot. His dancing style was very far from that of the boy who practiced dancing with him in the academy over 7 years ago.
He accidentally clicked on one of his most recent pictures, but he didnât press the back button. He stared at it. His face looked radiant in spite of not having a smile on it. He looked fineâstable, calm, perhaps even happy. Jiho hoped it was like that. He hoped that he was at least as happy as he had always wanted and deserved. At least it was noticeable that was not the same sad Hansol- no, Minsung, that he had seen for the last time. It was a relief. He wasnât the same person. He didnât even look like the one in the old memories of Jiho, if he took a moment to carefully analyse the pictures. Truth be told, Jiho felt like he didnât know who that boy in the pictures was. They had lived together for many years and shared countless experiences, but he didnât know that person. Minsung? Jiho had no idea who that was; where he came from. He could barely remember Hansol and he wasnât sure Hansol remembered him.
The last time they met⌠Jiho wouldâve never imagined it would be the last time and that everything would go downhill from there. Hansol- no, Minsung, dammit, sent him a text on KakaoTalk asking to hang out in a cafĂŠ, just to get some distraction. Back then, it had been long since they had had a schedule as ToppDogg. The promotions for their last album had finished months ago and they werenât working on new songs or performances or anything of the sort. Everyone were kind of worried about how things were going. Everyone, but especially Hansol. Minsung.
âHey, sorry Iâm kind of l-â
Jiho remembers coming up to the boy to greet him, but as soon as he came a little bit closer he could see the tears streaming desperately down his face. He couldnât even finish his sentence before he had wrapped his arms around the otherâs small frame. Hansol was trembling. Minsung. No, back then he was Hansol.
âArenât you tired?â Hansol asked out of the blue after being quiet for some minutes, just barely sipping on his coffee while trying to calm himself down and stop sobbing.
âMm? Tired⌠of what? Iâd say Iâve had lots of time to get some rest,â he replied jokingly, pretending he didnât know what Hansol meant.
âThatâs the problem, you see. Iâm tired of this. Of trying again and again and failing. Iâm tired of everything.â
âHey, donât think like that. We gotta stay positive. Maybe things arenât going the way weâd like them to, but we still have our fans and our companyââ
âDonât be silly, Jiho,â he cut him off. âDo you think our fans are gonna wait forever? That theyâll stay by a failed group? Our companyâs trying hard for any other artist thatâs not us.â
âHansol,â he called out, covering the boyâs hand with his own on the table, âwe knew it wouldnât be easy, but we canât lose hope. I trust us and what we can achieve together.â
Hansol looked like he was actually contemplating what Jiho had said, but replied:
âYour optimism is stupid, Jiho.â And retreated his hand to take a hold of his coffee.
After that, they fell silent for a long time. Jiho fidgeted with his fingers over the table. This conversation was making him feel uneasy and awkward; he didnât know what to say. But more than anything, he was worried about Hansol.
âHas it gotten worse, lately? Have you been feeling worse?â he asked softly, only for Hansol to hear.
ââŚI just wanna escape from this hell,â he muttered back, not looking at his eyes.
Jiho didnât know what to say, as per usual, so he chose to stay quiet. Neither of them said anything else for some minutes. Jiho couldnât even look at Hansol in the face because he felt horrible for not being able of offering more comfort than his stupid optimism. Thatâs why he flinched a little when he felt Hansolâs hand back on his, caressing his fingers. Jiho didnât stop him, because he liked the sensation. Because he missed him. Because deep inside, Jiho knew he had committed a mistake that he would always regret, even if he had done it thinking it was the best option for them back then.
âHansol-â
âIâm gonna miss you.â
Their voices overlapped.
âWhat do you mean?â
âIâm leaving to China for a few months. To study dancing.â
âWhat?â
Jiho retreated his hand and straightened up in his seat, almost in shock.
âBut⌠what about the group? Does the company know about this? Did they approve of this?â
There was this look in Hansolâs eyes while he mustered up the courage to finally say:
ââŚJiho, Iâm leaving ToppDogg.â
In that moment, it felt as if a bucket of cold water had been thrown over him. He couldnât react. It took him a few moments to grasp what was happening. Leaving to China to study dancing? Leaving the group? Had he lost his mind?
âDo you realise youâre sabotaging the group and being selfish?â was the first thing he managed to say, not really thinking about what he was saying.
âExcuse me? I am sabotaging the group?â Hansol raised his tone a bit. âMay I remind you, it was Hyunho and Dongsung who left us first. Hyosang and Taeyang left us too.â
Jiho bit his lip. He knew Hansol was right, but right now his heart was in pain from just imagining Hansol leaving the group and going to another country for who knows how long.
âThere is nothing we can do about this anymore, donât you realise that? What do you want me to stay here for? To see how life passes me by and nothing gets better no matter how hard I try?â
ââŚYou could stay with me.â
Everything became quiet for a few moments that seemed to last for way longer while both of them stared into each otherâs eyes. Jiho could see the tears welling up in Hansolâs eyes while he bit his lips and shook his head.
âPlease, donât do this to meâŚâ he muttered in a thin voice.
âIf you leave the group, then I will too. We can start all over, together. No fearing and no hiding this time, we wonât have to-â
âJiho, donât,â Hansol cut him off softly, getting a bit closer and holding his hands on the table. âThatâs not what you want. Besides, it was you who took the decision years ago. Thereâs no going back now.â
Hansolâs voice sounded so gentle and composed in spite of the tears in his eyes that it was hard to believe what he was saying was hurting Jiho as if a million knives were stabbing his body.
âWhyâd you ask me to come, then? If it was going to be like this, you couldâve as well just texted me goodbye.â
You shouldnât have given me hopes that I was still in time of holding onto you, is what he wanted to say. But didnât.
âI just wanted to see you for one last timeâŚâ
Back then, Jiho couldnât control the burst of emotions he felt. His sadness mingled with the anger he felt towards himself for having been an idiot and also with the frustration of being so helplessâHansol was slipping right through his fingers and out of his life, and he couldnât do anything to stop him.
âThatâs it, then. You can leave now. Leave and donât think of coming back. I hope you know youâre being an asshole.â
He raised his voice more than he should have. His word choice was more aggressive than it should have. Unlike his usually composed self, this time he finally burst. His emotions burst in the worse way possible. They ended up yelling ugly things at each other; hard feelings that had been building up inside them for a long time. Jiho smashed his fist on the table before leaving behind an upset and sobbing Hansol. He shouldnât have done that. He still feels ashamed of his shitty and immature reaction and regrets everything he did and said that day. Hansol didnât deserve that.
Somehow, he reached the end of his Instagram pictures. They werenât many. He remembered the boy had a habit of deleting them. He also noticed he kept only a few pictures of his last days in China and seeing him in those pictures makes his heart clench in fear again. In fear of knowing that he was close to losing him for real, forever. Those had been the worst days Jiho has even been through in his whole life and he hopes he wonât have to ever go through something like that again. At least the latest pictures make him feel a bit more reassured, for it seems that old Hansol he knew doesnât torment Minsung like he used to do. He looks cared for and surrounded by people. Jiho can only hope for him to never be lonely and for all of those people to be with Minsung when he cannot.
A few pictures above the last ones from China is one from their debut. That one was uploaded when his departure from the group was made official. Jiho didnât come out of his room for a whole week. In the picture, Hansol thanks everyone. Jiho clenches his fist. He shouldâve thanked him the last time he saw him. He shouldâve thanked him for helping him make it into ToppDogg. He shouldâve thanked him for all of the good moments they shared together. He shouldâve thanked him for loving him in spite of the big asshole Jiho could be at times and which he was until their last meeting. He shouldâve thanked him for existingâhe shouldâve wished him success. Had he done that, who knows; maybe Hansol wouldnât have been on the edge of an abyss. Had he done that, maybe he would find his username when he types it into the list of people Minsung follows.
Jiho decides to call it a night, but then he sees there is a picture of Hyosang on Minsungâs account and he clicks it almost immediately. Oh, he wished him a happy birthday. To the one who abandoned themâbut didnât break his heart or curse him out for trying to pursue his dreamsâ; he wished a happy birthday to him. Then he finally clicks the âbackâ button, which closes Instagram and, instead and unknowingly, shows him the time and date: 5:24 a.m., February 3rd.
As he tries to fall asleep, he fails to fight back the tears that wet his pillow while he cannot brush off the memories of Hansol coming into his room with a big smile on his face and holding a big cake with tons of colourful candles on his hands just when the clock struck twelve oâclock. He wonât see that Hansol anymore. If he could turn back time and take seriously the three wishes Hansol insisted for him to make year after year before blowing out the candles, he would use one to wish ToppDogg to be successful and two to wish for Hansol to never leave his side.














