#wxlt

Christine Chubbuck (August 24, 1944 – July 15, 1974) was an American television news reporter who worked for WTOG and WXLT-TV in Florida. She is known for being the first person to commit suicide on a live television broadcast.

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Her focus on her lack of intimate relationships is generally considered to be the driving force for her depression; her mother later summarized "her suicide was simply because her personal life was not enough." She lamented to co-workers that her 30th birthday was approaching and she was still a virgin who had never been on more than two dates with a man. Her brother Greg later recalled several times she had gone out with a man before moving to Sarasota, but agreed she had trouble connecting socially in the beach resort town. He believed her constant self-deprecation for being "dateless" contributed to her ongoing depression. In a later interview, Greg stated that Christine had been in two serious relationships: The first had been when she was a teenager and was with a man in his 20s who had subsequently died in a car accident, and the second had been as an adult, but she had broken it off under pressure from her father because the boyfriend was Jewish.

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Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or medical professional. None of the information contained in this essay is meant as medical or psychiatric advice. It is representative of only my own personal experience and opinion. I also want to mention that I do not use AI to write whatsoever. This article is my own original composition and collection of ideas.

Introduction

When hearing the story of Christine Chubbuck, the first reaction by many is to ask themselves why this happened. The August 1974 Washington Post article¹ by Sally Quinn, long seen as the "definitive" source of information on Chris’ story, seeks to answer that question through multiple avenues, but misses the mark substantially. This is due to not only the brevity required for such an article, but also the relative lack of understanding around mental health at the time it was written.

Chris' final words expressed her disgust at WXLT for sensationalizing the news. Quotes from friends and family show a woman who was deeply dissatisfied with her personal life and lack of connection with others.  Her brother Greg said in later interviews that he believes she suffered from bipolar disorder².

While these explanations might seem sufficient on their own, they don't answer the questions of specifically why and how mental illness could drive someone to carry out this act. I therefore want to explain –  from my own knowledge, perspective, and personal experiences – what I think might have been at play here. Of course, this is all personal opinion and speculation on my part. Only Christine herself could give a 100% accurate answer that explains exactly why she did what she did.

I've said for as long as I've had this blog that I wanted to make the conversation surrounding Christine into something beneficial for those who suffer from depression and mental illness. I also want to educate people who know or love someone who deals with these conditions. I want to show the thought process of someone who suffers with depression and similar or co-morbid disorders. I want to show people who feel like Chris did that they are understood and that they are not alone. That's what this essay is intended to do.

A Quick Preface

With that being said, I would like to begin by discussing my personal history with mental illness. I went through a few traumatic events as a child, starting at 12 years old with the death of my father. I witnessed his sudden, unexpected death in person at the time it occurred. At 16, I was present at a local hospital during a shooting. I was never in any real danger, but while it was happening I perceived that I might be shot or even killed. Throughout my childhood I also experienced ongoing religious trauma. I feel that these events, along with a genetic, chemical, and/or neurological predisposition, led me to develop full-blown major depression and anxiety disorder by the age of 17. I was formally diagnosed with both at that time. However, because I’ve been in therapy since 2013 and I'm properly medicated, my symptoms are significantly decreased.

Trauma & Attachment Style

When Chris was a teenager, her first boyfriend died in a car crash. This undoubtedly was a traumatic experience for her, and this sudden loss surely shaped the way she consciously or unconsciously viewed personal relationships from that point forward.

Traumatic experiences this that happen in childhood are called Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, for short.³  ACEs greatly affect our attachment style – the way we relate to those close to us – be it parents, friends, or significant others.  Every person on earth has an attachment style, whether it be secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant.⁴  The death of Christine’s boyfriend most certainly qualifies as an ACE and was therefore a significant contributor to her attachment style.

Based on short testimonials from the police report and Washington Post article, I personally believe that Christine developed an anxious attachment style.  The sudden death of her boyfriend created a mental understanding of the world where relationships are fragile.  The brain now sees the unexpected loss of loved ones as a very real and likely possibility.  After all, it happened once already.  Therefore the anxiously-attached person, against his or her own will, unconsciously fears the termination of relationships and views these relationships as a scarcity.

Those with an anxious attachment style tend to have low self-worth and a favorable view of others.  They oftentimes feel unworthy of love and tend to feel incomplete when not in a romantic relationship.  They may feel like they will never be good enough for anyone and be highly critical of themselves.  They may obsess over finding a partner, and once they find that partner, they might worry that any mistake will cause that person to leave them.

According to quotes from her brother and coworkers, Chris was very self-critical and self-deprecating.  She often made jokes at her own expense and regularly mentioned her desire to find a boyfriend.  It’s obvious that this was constantly on her mind.  She could never take a compliment; she would put herself down when others would say a kind word to her.  I believe all these outward behaviors can be explained at least in part by an anxious attachment style.

Self-Image

Having an anxious attachment style isn’t the only factor that might’ve caused Chris to have a low opinion of herself.  Clinical depression can also create a sense of worthlessness and defeat in those who suffer from it. When I was in moderate-to-severe periods of depression, I felt worthless; I felt like a loser who didn't deserve anything good in life. Although in reality I was kind, talented, intelligent, funny, and attractive,⁵ I couldn't believe that anyone loved me or wanted to be my friend. I couldn’t feel the love they had for me.  I was convinced that my friends only spoke to me because they felt sorry for me, or that they merely tolerated my existence. Intellectually, deep-down, I knew this wasn't true. But it felt true.

In my opinion, this "feeling" of truth in the depressed person originates from a miswired or chemically-imbalanced subconscious. This feeling is then experienced by the waking consciousness, or the thinking self. In response, the conscious mind  makes up stories as to why these feelings are true and valid.

I told myself I was ugly, annoying, and incompetent. I told myself that I wasn't good enough. I constantly compared myself to others and felt like a total loser if my accomplishments weren't as impressive as theirs. I was embarrassed about being single and felt that my being single was further proof that I was pathetic.  None of this was accurate, but the conscious part of my brain was trying to form a coherent narrative around my self-hate. The brain’s attempts at creating a story of why I felt worthless, of why I felt like a loser, were always incorrect, because that self-hate stemmed from a chemical imbalance – not a legitimate personal inadequacy.

But I couldn’t understand this, because when you’ve had a chemical imbalance your entire life, you don’t realize that your way of thinking about yourself is wrong.  It feels normal.  When I hear Chris' story, I wonder if she was experiencing this same phenomenon.  I wonder if she was trapped in an involuntary cycle of self-hate and negative self-talk.

Self-Harm & Self-Hate

The aforementioned feelings of self-hate that accumulate in a depressed person often come out in self-harming behaviors. It's well-known that women tend to turn their hate inward, while men turn their hate outward. This isn't always the case, but a general trend nonetheless. Women are more likely to display acts of nonsuicidal self-harm, such as cutting. While there is no evidence that Chris ever did this, there is a link between self-injury without suicidal intent and attempts at actual suicide. The reason I mention both types of self-harm - with and without lethal intent - is because either or both can be present in the severely depressed person. The drive to injure oneself comes from, in my opinion, several different places.

Those who have self-hate and guilt may feel the need to punish themselves physically as a sort of "atonement" as it were. Even if he or she is totally innocent, the guilt complex caused by depression is burdensome on its victim. For some who self-injure nonlethally, this provides temporary psychological relief. For those who attempt suicide, they may feel this is the only way to permanently rid themselves of this guilt. They may feel they don't deserve to live.

Others who self-injure nonlethally may do it as an outward expression of their inner emotional world. Whether they intend for others to actually see it varies from person to person. However, in either case, this may be an attempt to bring to the surface - the literal outside - what someone is feeling on the inside. This again provides only temporary psychological relief.

Though her intent was lethal, I feel that Chris killed herself publicly in order to express that inner pain outwardly. Public suicide would be the ultimate spectacle to fully say, "This is the severe pain I am in." I want to reiterate that I am in no way saying it was justified or moral. I am only trying to speculate her reasoning and the reasoning of others who kill themselves on the public stage.

Loneliness

Another prominent aspect of Chris' story is that she often felt lonely and isolated. Being clinically depressed can make you feel alone even if you're surrounded by people that love and support you. While I have no doubt that Chris' unique personality and intelligence made her feel like an outsider, being depressed can greatly exacerbate those already-present feelings. Depression as a whole tends to strengthen negative feelings and downplay positive ones in the mind of the depressed person.

But I think Chris also had a legitimate grievance in saying she was lonely.  It could be reasonably argued that Chris was in a workplace where some coworkers put her down or were insensitive when she tried to reach out. It would seem, according to quotes from the various sources available, that she tried to confide in multiple people at work but was dismissed in one form or another.

Jean Reed, a camerawoman at WXLT, said that Chris talked about her previous suicide attempt regularly.  In the same breath, Ms. Reed also stated that Christine thought “hers were the only important problems.”  While it’s impossible to know exactly what was said in their conversations, I personally think that Christine was dealing with such internal turmoil that she was desperate for someone to listen.  She was desperate to express herself verbally because of all the pain she held inside.  She needed to alleviate that pain by talking about it.  Those of us who have ever confided in a loved one or therapist during a difficult time can attest to this: even if the problem isn’t solved by talking per se, it’s an emotional relief to work through your thoughts and feelings by talking with someone else who cares.  I think this is all Chris wanted.  Maybe Jean, who grew up in a different time than Chris (and certainly a different time than our current one) mistakenly saw this as self-centeredness or narcissism.

As I’ll discuss in the next section, Christine also tried to confide in sports anchor Andrea Kirby, who often answered Chris’ self-doubt with sarcasm.  Andrea, at best, seemed to have a “tough love” approach to her melancholic episodes, which probably made Chris feel even worse.  Some people respond better than others to that approach, and maybe this wasn’t the most ideal approach on Andrea’s part.  But I also don’t think Andrea had a very high opinion of Christine to begin with.  She thought she was pathetic.

Chris was known around WXLT for having a dark sense of humor.  When she mentioned to Rob Smith, the night news editor, that she had bought a gun to shoot herself with, he dismissed it to himself as another morbid joke.  While it’s unknown if she at this point had fully committed to her plan, this was in my opinion a test on Christine’s part to see what his reaction would be.  I think she wanted to see if he – like others in the studio – would disregard her attempts at being heard.  I do wonder if she framed it as a joke in the case he responded with genuine concern.  Then, if she decided not to go through with it, she would’ve had plausible deniability and been confident he would write it off as dark humor. 

Betrayal

The Sally Quinn article states that Chris’ only real friend at the station was Andrea. However, Rob Smith stated in 2016 that he and Chris were close and that she often confided in him. In my opinion, Chris probably attempted to be close to Andrea because they were both same-aged females, and Christine wanted to find someone she could relate to. But she also regularly talked to Rob.

Andrea wasn't very empathetic towards Chris, and in the article it seems like she thought Chris was pathetic. This no doubt came through in their conversations, where Andrea admitted to commenting, "That's right Chris, just kick yourself in the ass," when the woman would get down on herself. It's clear that Christine was trying to reach out, but Andrea saw her as whiney and mentally weak.

Ms. Kirby also knew of Chris' crush on their coworker, George Ryan. Christine confided in Andrea about her crush, but was unaware that he and Andrea were already dating. Presumably Andrea did not disclose this to Chris, because Chris attempted to ask him out at his 30th birthday party and was promptly rejected.

This was cruel of Andrea. Who's to say she didn't want to see Chris humiliate herself?  Christine surely recognized this as the betrayal it was. She had been knocked down by one of her only close friends, and her circle undoubtedly felt even smaller after this incident. (Unless George and Andrea had already broken up at this point, but this was never mentioned if so.)

Outlook On Society

As depression strengthens negative emotions, Chris' already-cynical view of the station was probably amplified by her depression or bipolar disorder. She was passionate about her job - something she valued very much - and the constant push from higher-ups to concentrate on "blood and guts" reporting surely felt like a slap in the face. Christine's stories, those things she felt were important and worked hard on, were regularly pushed aside for sensationalized content. As her mother Peg stated, Chris' job at the station was the only thing of purpose in her life. And with that being repeatedly stepped on by upper management, I'm sure Christine felt very sad and defeated.

Aside from a professional disappointment in her immediate surroundings, this probably also influenced the way she saw society as a whole. It's indeed disheartening to remember that negative news always draws more viewership than positive news. This was no different fifty years ago. The "if it bleeds, it leads" tactic was being practiced in newsrooms nationwide at this time. Chris probably saw this and began to lose faith in not only her workplace and community, but in society as a whole. From her perspective, the general public was demonstrating to her that they were happy to be the spectators of others' misfortune.

Eyewitness News

As a journalist, Chris would also clearly have understood the implications of performing this act on live television. While it's impossible to say for sure, I believe she thought it would not only bring attention to the topic of suicide, but also the desire of society to see "blood and guts" content. It was her way of saying, "This is the violence you're asking to see. How can you find this entertaining? What kind of person are you?" It was a sarcastic way to force the world to ask itself this question. While I think it's clear that Chris ended her own life for personal reasons, she took the opportunity to make a public statement about the nature of news and the way the public was consuming that news. It was a comment on the public and their growing preference for violent and sensational content.

The Future

Considering that she very much wanted a husband and child, Chris was no doubt anxious that she was running out of time to do so. Nowadays people tend to get married and have children later. But in the 70's, many women were getting married and having children right out of high school or even sooner. This societal pressure would make anyone anxious about their future prospects, especially if you are 10+ years "behind" everyone else.

Her mother Peg mentioned that Chris regularly got stood-up by men who had agreed to go on dates with her. This constant, repeated rejection from romantic interests is emotionally exhausting. She might've even begun to believe it was her fault, or that something was fundamentally wrong with her that caused them to behave this way. This feeds right back into a negative self-image, which again, is often created and exacerbated by depression.

It was also stated in the Washington Post article that Chris had recently had an ovary removed, and her doctor advised that she needed to conceive in the next few years or she might never be able to have a baby.  When depression is already telling you that your chances for happiness are unlikely, this sort of news feels like the final nail in the coffin; a final confirmation that fulfillment was never meant for you.  It doesn’t feel like a setback that can be overcome.

Perhaps she started to give up and believe she would never find a husband with whom she could start a family. She felt like she had no future, like she couldn't have the life that would give her fulfillment and make everything worthwhile. These feelings then enter the destructive feedback loop of depression, and it feels like there is no chance at all for a future.

This hopelessness is scary, and for some people, suicidal ideation is part of the "fight or flight" response. I think it's a possibility that Chris was so scared of having an unfulfilling and lonely future that she wanted to run away from that future by ending her life.

Summary

I think that Chris ultimately felt disappointment in several areas of her life, and she thought it was too late for her to find any lasting fulfillment of her own. In her mind, she would never have someone to love. She would never have a child. She felt like a failure in her career, which she was beginning to hate. She didn't see herself as a competent, talented, and attractive woman. She felt like men weren't interested in her and wouldn't even give her a chance. Without a husband, and with only a small window of time to conceive, chances were slim in her mind.

Time was running out for her to "make it," and she felt worse and worse as time went on. The existential dread of ending up completely alone was terrifying.  She didn't have faith that things could be different for her, and she assumed the current downward spiral in her life would continue until she was left with nothing. She had reached out so many times but didn't get the result she so sought, the result we all seek - connection and bonding with others.

We are made to interact with each other.  We intrinsically seek positive regard from those we love, and we in turn seek to give them the love they have given us.  Christine craved this reciprocal experience of love: love from friends, love from a husband, and love from a child of her own.  When she feared she would forever be denied these things, she spiraled down into a hopeless despair – a despair perpetuated by the irrational thinking and negative self-image of clinical depression.

The ultimate lessons of Christine’s story are these: We must listen when others reach out to us.  We must reach out to those we care about.  We should look within ourselves and find where our thinking about our own situation is irrational or detrimental.  And we have to take care of ourselves – mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. 

Afterword: What Helps Me

Throughout the years I've tried different medications to try and alleviate my symptoms.⁶ From 2010 to 2015, I took SSRI's for my depression and anxiety. While they helped keep me from spiraling, my personal experience with them was very sedating, and they made me feel emotionally empty at times. I switched to an SNRI (Duloxetine) in 2015, and this alleviated the sedating effect. In 2017, when I was diagnosed with OCD,⁷ I began to take a tricyclic (Clomipramine), which greatly decreased my tendency to obsess and become "stuck" on certain themes or topics.  During periods of heightened anxiety, I also use mindfulness⁸ and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy⁹ (abbreviated as CBT) to help me.  However, since 2017, my need for these has decreased drastically.

But by far what has helped me the most, specifically with my depression, is taking prescription-strength vitamin D. I finally got full bloodwork about two years ago, and I was very vitamin D deficient. Now that I take 100K IU's weekly, my thought process has totally changed. I no longer have a sense of pervading sadness and helplessness. I'm less likely to imagine the worst possible scenarios or be down on myself. I can think more clearly, and I feel like I'm truly meeting myself for the first time since I was 13.

I have also made a concerted effort over the past two years to reach out to others, regardless of if I’m certain they will reciprocate with me.  I know now that the risk of rejection is a price we have to pay if we want to find “our people” in this life.  We have to keep trying until we find those we’re compatible with, whether it be friends, significant others, or any other type of relationship.  Good people are out there.  But sometimes we just have to be patient and keep searching before we find them. 

We have to believe in our ability to overcome, and for those of us who are spiritual – the ability of a higher power to assist us in our endeavor to find meaning and fulfillment in this life.

Endnotes

[1] The complete Washington Post article.

[2] Although Greg states he believes Chris was bipolar, which includes alternating manic and depressive states, I will only be discussing the depressive aspect in this essay.  I am not very familiar with bipolar disorder and have never personally experienced it, so I don’t feel confident trying to analyze the role it might have played for Chris.  Here is a WebMD article about the differences between major depression and bipolar disorder.

[3] CDC article about ACEs.

[4] Article about attachment styles.

[5] People have told me that I’m attractive, anyways.  I don’t want to sound vain.  But despite my insistence that I wasn’t great-looking, people have told me over the years that I have a nice face.  But I won’t act like I’m a model or something; far from it.

[6] I am in no way saying that anyone should take medication.  That is a personal medical choice, and you should talk with your doctor/psychiatrist/therapist about your options.

[7] I specifically deal with what’s termed “pure-o” or purely-obsessional OCD, which is actually a misnomer.  It just means that my compulsions are mental instead of acted out physically.  For example, as a teenager when I constantly worried about my health (the obsession), I would ruminate heavily (the compulsion) on the “what ifs”, trying to figure out if I could solve what was going on.  I would also spend a lot of time on the internet looking up symptoms.  While OCD has never personally stopped me from having a job or functioning in my day-to-day life, it can be extremely distressing and even debilitating for those who suffer from it.

[8] Article about mindfulness meditation.

I've decided to completely re-type the police report and additional paperwork regarding the day of Chris' passing. The report is already publicly-available, but is difficult to read due to the fact that it's handwritten and possibly the method of scanning. I've opted to remove the details of the autopsy, as I feel those are private and should not be included.

As always, this document is for historical preservation purposes only, and is not meant to glorify suicide in any way.

Please be mindful that some details, especially on the supplementary paperwork, are disturbing. Additionally, private information, such as home addresses and phone numbers, have been redacted for privacy reasons.

Thank you to Erfan Farzeneh for sending me the supplementary police files.

Click here to view or download the Police Report.