Christine Chubbuck leans against an RCA TK42 broadcast camera on July 1, 1974 - two weeks before her death. Colorization and restoration done by me. Click here to see the original.

Why dedicate a blog to this?

I’ve had an interest in Chris' story since I heard about it in 2021.  However, my intent isn’t to make a blog about the tragic incident itself.  That would be a glorification of depression and suicide.  I made this page because I want to humanize someone who is – apart from a few pictures and a newspaper article – enigmatic and unknowable.  I want to humanize someone who desperately sought connection with others but could never find it. My intention is to be respectful and preserve history. I have zero interest in seeing or looking for "the tape", as that does nothing to actually shed light on who Chris was and would only cause hurt for her friends and family.

Chris desperately wanted love and companionship but never found it.  Her final act was not only a statement regarding sensationalism in the news, but also, in my opinion, a last desperate cry, a way to finally be seen without any mask or pretense.  The last moments of a person’s life are, under normal circumstances, private and personal.  This is especially true in the case of suicide, where most choose to seclude themselves.  However, Chris chose to make this last moment extremely public.  She felt lonely in her daily life, and through making the personal into something public, others thereby witnessed her private suffering and pain.  I am in no way insinuating that this choice was moral on her part, or saying that she necessarily met that goal.  In committing suicide, she couldn’t live to experience the connection she may have sought via public suicide.  In completing the act publicly, she also caused trauma for those who saw it.  Whether that was purposeful or merely a byproduct of the point she was trying to make will always remain unknown.  Though I’m of the opinion that she probably saw the ends as justifying the means.

Upon reading the Washington Post article by Sally Quinn, it becomes apparent that many people had their own ideas about Chris, but none of them could understand her motivation.  And the truth is that no one except Christine could know the definitive reason for what she did.  She was disgusted with how society was headed towards consuming more and more “blood and guts” content, as she put it. In my opinion, she also thought her life was circling the drain.  She felt like a loser and didn’t think circumstances would improve. 

But her brother Greg said it perfectly when he stated this in 2006:

“I think Christine never really had the image of herself that the rest of the world perceived.  They perceived her as confident, they perceived her as attractive, and they perceived her as gifted at her job.  And I don’t really know that she perceived herself fully as any of that.”

Chris was worthy of being loved and loving herself. And if you are feeling the way she felt - feeling as if you're unimportant, unseen, unlovable - just know that you deserve empathy, respect, and love, just like Chris did.

Who Was Chris Chubbuck?

Here is a collection of quotes gathered from all available sources. I hope it can paint a more complete picture of who Chris was and how others saw her.

“She used to come up with pretty weird ideas, but I thought this was about the weirdest, you know.  I thought it was also one of her crazy ideas and I tried to change the subject, real quickly, but I didn’t take it seriously. … Well, I think [Chris] felt extremely lonely and you know, she’d get upset over things that, I think, wouldn’t get other people upset over.”  -Robert M. Smith (Police Report, 1974)

“[Chris has] talked to me about suicidal tendencies before, but never attempts. …She’s had a problem that we talked about, about three weeks ago that ah, she hoped to resolve soon, but wasn’t resolved.  It was kind of a deep personal problem that she’s always had.  Maybe, I, I don’t know her not solving that problem made her feel worse or not.”  -Shay Taylor (Police Report, 1974)

“I thought Chris was extremely happy here.  I didn’t know her quite well and she had told me many times that she was- had felt she had found herself.  She very much enjoyed her show ahmm, loved meeting the people, the public, and this was exactly what she wanted to do in life.  She had a… lose her temper every now and then, but everybody does in this business, so nothing, nothing that ah- would ah, give you any preview of something like this.”  -Jean Reed (Police Report, 1974)

“[Shay Taylor says] Chris had numerous problems involving a personal matter.  Miss Taylor stressed that Chris had been seeing a female psychiatrist in Bradenton for some time, and felt that seeing and talking to the doctor had helped her somewhat.  Miss Taylor advised that chris had been quite upset over numerous sexual problems – her main problem being that she was a 29-year-old virgin.  She further stated that Chris was a very unstable person; even though she engaged in various social and sport functions.  Chris apparently tried to keep herself occupied with many activities to relieve her frustrations.”  (Police Report, 1974)

“They say she’s been depressed.  But why she did what she did or the way she did it, nobody knows.” -Capt. Ellis Denham (Akron Beacon Journal, 16 Jul 1974)

“She hadn’t been going out on very many dates.  Her mother said she loved her job but unfortunately it was her whole life.  I guess it just wasn’t enough.”  -Rob Smith (Akron Beacon Journal, 16 Jul 1974)

“She was always joking around, saying weird things.  I thought at the time it was just a bad joke.” -Rob Smith (Akron Beacon Journal, 16 Jul 1974)

“She was extremely moody.  If something technical went wrong with her stories or film clips, she always got really upset.  But I didn’t think she was suicidal.”  -Rob Smith (Akron Beacon Journal, 16 Jul 1974)

At the hospital an hour before Miss Chubbuck died, her older brother Timothy said she had recently been “despondent and lonely. I think it was the culmination of a lot of things.” (Akron Beacon Journal, 16 Jul 1974)

“[She was] a very talented and intense young woman.”  -Betty Cope, WVIZ Manager (Akron Beacon Journal, 16 Jul 1974)

“She was a wonderful person, very brilliant but never terribly happy.”  -Nancy (Newman) Pope, former Cleveland roommate (Akron Beacon Journal, 16 Jul 1974)

“She loved doing human interest and community involvement things.  She didn’t really care about hard news.”  [Ken] Crockett said Miss Chubbuck gave the impression she “had it all together” although she sometimes was frustrated by technical problems that plagued the station.  “She enjoyed what she was doing but she’d also get frustrated when she’d do a story and it wouldn’t get on the air,” he said.  “It always seemed to be the blood-and-guts things that got in place of her stories.  After the news she would sit here and say, ‘I’ve done these stories and told people they’d be on tonight but they’re not.  Instead what do we do but run a story about a dog hit by a car in Bradenton.’”  Although he described her as “outgoing” with the ability to laugh at herself, Crockett said the tall smartly-dressed newswoman also had frequent moments of “depression and moodiness.”  One of those surfaced last Friday when she had “bombed out” on her show that morning that featured interviews with air-conditioner sales and repairmen.  But the same day she also spent $175 fixing up the Volkswagen convertible she used for the 10-minute trip from her beachfront home to the station.  (Fort Meyers News-Press, Jul 16 1974)

While Miss Chubbuck’s colleagues remembered her as a lively, vibrant personality, her family and close friends said she frequently suffered from severe depression.  (Tampa Tribune, Jul 17 1974)

[Tim said that Chris was] a young woman who poured all of her energy into each day’s pursuits, in a frustrating search for perfection.  Be it skin diving, ceramics, or her profession, [Tim] said, his sister was never satisfied with doing well; but inevitably bemoaned the distance between reality and the unattainable.  [He said] “She was clambakes and sea-shells, sandy feet, and sunburned skin… she was an open mind, probing and asking, forcing those around her to stretch and grow.”  … In place of flowers, the family requested donations to Sarasota County’s financially-beleaguered Humane Society, one of Miss Chubbuck’s favorite charities.  (Tampa Tribune, Jul 19 1974)

“Miss Chubbuck always pushed our programs and sales projects on her television show,” [district forester Mike] Keel said.  She seemed to love the outdoors.” …  After her memorial service Thursday, her brother, Timothy Chubbuck, said Chris “loved all living things.” … “Miss Chubbuck had made a practice of supporting emphatically forestry and conservation programs…”  (Tampa Bay Times, 20 Jul 1974)

“She was terribly, terribly, terribly depressed.  She had a job that she loved.  She said constantly that if it ended tomorrow, she would still be glad she had had it.  But she had nothing else in her social life.  No close friends, no romantic attachments or prospects of any.  She was a spinster at 29, and it bothered her.  She couldn’t register with people.  That’s the main thing.  She was very sensitive and she tried and she would reach out, you know, ‘Hi, how are you, won’t you come have a cup of coffee with me?’ and you say ‘no,’ but you don’t say, ‘Won’t you come have a cup of coffee with me,’ that sort of thing, in her personal people relationships, and it really got to her.  She’d been very depressed.  She’d been seeing a psychiatrist who didn’t really feel that she was that serious about not wanting to live.  She felt if you’ve tried as hard as you can, you’ve prepared yourself, you work hard, you reach your hand out to people, and nobody takes it, then there’s something wrong with your drumbeat, and she really felt she couldn’t register with anyone except her family.  And at 29, that’s sad.”  -Peg Chubbuck (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

There were some who were confused by the word “attempted” suicide in her script.  But those who worked with her had a ready explanation.  Chris was too good a newswoman to write suicide when it might have failed.  She was too precise.  (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

Chris’s program had ratings of 500 homes.  In season, maybe 1,000.  She was not by any means a “big TV star.”  She wanted to be.  She wanted to be recognized and was hard-working, diligent, and competent.  (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

She complained often about what she saw as the number of tasteless and violent stories on the air, about the station’s pandering, in her opinion, to its advertisers, and about the low pay… She was bitter about the fact that Nelson seemed to want only those who would work for the least amount of money, not those who were the most talented. … On the Friday night before Chris killed herself, she had a terrible fight with Mike Simmons, the news director, about her story being cut in favor of a shoot-out.  “She was very emotional, would get unusually upset about these things,” said Simmons.  “She would, well, throw tantrums a lot.”  A week earlier, she had thrown a terrible tantrum when the director placed a bouquet of plastic flowers on her interview table.  In front of her guest, a state politician, she had flung the flowers across the studio, screaming, “I won’t have these damned things in my studio.”  (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

She had very few dates in the past months.  When she had invited men, several times, to have dinner, they had accepted, then not even bothered to show up or call.  “I don’t think Chris had more than 25 dates in the last 10 years,” her mother said.  Last summer she had had an ovary removed.  The doctors told her then that if she didn’t have children within the next two or three years, she probably never would.  And, of course, there were no prospects.  She had no real friends.  She was a strange combination of someone who wanted, needed desperately, the support and friendship of others, and in another way rejected others out of a sense of defensive pride.  Her initial image was one of a self-confident, totally contained, together young woman.  She would seem haughty, distant, standoffish, really.  Yet when people began to know her, she evidenced such a crying need for a completely committed relationship that it drove them away for fear they couldn’t give her what she wanted.  “There was a haunting melody in Chris,” Mrs. Chubbuck said.  “She gave so many presents, spent so much money, not to buy their friendship…but because she wanted to.  It’s almost like her life was a little out of gear with other people.  She was the only person I ever knew who would walk into a room and every head would turn…yet nobody ever came over and asked for her phone number.  It’s been like that since she was 13.”  (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

“I would have discounted [her talk of suicide] if she had said it to me,” her brother Tim said.  “She’d said it before.”  “We’d all heard it,” her mother said.  “I think it was always serious.  I’ve always known it might happen.”  “But she always said it in an offhand way,” Tim said.  “But everything she said was offhand,” her mother said.  “I always thought,” Greg said, “in my own mind, that she was intelligent and would find a way to carry herself through.  In the course of the last two or three years I’d had that conversation with her many times.  I didn’t think of it as an active thing.  I thought of it as something she wanted to talk about.”  … “You know, she’s always talked about it.  ‘If life gets too tough, I’ll get out.  If I can’t handle it, I’ll leave.’  It was her decision, and she decided that it was all just too much for her. Whether anybody else thought it wasn’t - well, it was.”  “It was a recurrent conversation,” said Tim.  “In times of real downness, it seemed to her a real solution for escape.  We gave it credence.”  “We thought it possible because there wasn’t anything in her life,” said her mother.  “If someone asked me a few weeks ago if it was possible, I would have said ‘yes’.  For her, it was the only way out.”  (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

“She often referred to herself as someone who still believed in wine and roses, being sent flowers and called up for a date.  But she would go through periods of two or three years where nobody would even ask her out for a hotdog.  You’ve got to learn to crawl before you walk, and Chris never even had a crawling relationship with anybody.  She never had more than two dates with anyone in her life.  She really wanted to find someone to love and get married.  It was much more important to her than her job.  She used to say that even a bad relationship is better than none.  Her 30th birthday would have been Aug. 24, and she would have been officially an old maid.  It bothered her like hell.”  -Peg Chubbuck (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

Six months ago, [George Ryan] thought she was “a liberated woman, a pain-in-the-ass, not very attractive, almost manly.  She was doing a man’s job, only doing it better than a man.  She was precise and efficient.  There was nothing feminine about her.”  But once he started “T.A.”, he improved, and so did his opinion of Chris, and hers of him.  “She was two different people, really.  Sometimes she was really together, her posture and carriage, and just the way she said “hello”, were different.  She was a methodical and efficient career girl, a Germaine Greer, a Gloria Steinem.  There was an ‘I can handle it… but not really’ air about her.  Other times, her posture was rotten; she made no effort to look attractive, she would put herself down, she had this poor-little-me, kick-me attitude.”  (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

“In the last few weeks before she died, she had turned into a ‘yes, but’ person,” Andrea said.  “She became a sniveling, self-pitying creature at the end, and I really lost patience with her.  I thought that if I got mad at her, she would be able to pull herself out of it.  She discounted me as a friend so many times, and other people, too.  But I had the feeling that if she had friends, she wouldn’t have been able to say she wasn’t a success.  Every time she’d be hurt by someone, she could chalk another one up.  If you didn’t call her or do something positive with her, she’d think you didn’t like her… She said to me once, ‘I would like to have just for one week, somebody I really loved, who really loved me.’  Her only trouble was that she came on so heavy, so intense.  Her way of covering up her insecurities was to be physically confident.  That was just her manner.”  -Andrea Kirby (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

“In my view, she was very self-centered.  Hers were the only important problems.  She was constantly aware of how people reacted to her, immediately read things into what they said to her - but it was not a two-way street. She talked about her suicide attempt a lot.  She was threatened by everyone.  I once tried to do an interview, and she got furious.  And they let Shay Taylor, the other camerawoman, do one, and Chris hit the roof.  She even thought Miss Florida was going to take over her job when somebody suggested she do the weather. “She needed encouragement or support and we all tried to compliment her on what she was doing.  She dearly loved a kind word, but she put other people down without flashing an eye.”  Jean Reed describes Chris as an elegant dresser, as someone with talent and someone you could have a good time with, a good laugh with.  “She had a great sense of the absurd, almost a macabre sense of humor.  And of course, she adored to laugh about Nelson.  She did not like the unexpected.  She insisted on being well-prepared at all times.  (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

Shay Taylor, the 24-year-old camerawoman, felt that Chris displayed her insecurity by being standoffish, masculine, and occasionally using crude language in front of her male guests, apparently to turn them off deliberately.  “If she met an attractive man or had a good-looking male guest that I knew she was interested in,” said Shay, “she’d always tell them that they ought to take me out.”  (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

“But quite frankly, people who live on the beach, on Siesta Key, are just different from the rest of us.  They’re more bohemian.  They have a different lifestyle from us who are more urbanized.  Chris fit into that category.”  -Bob Nelson (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

[Bob] Keehn liked Chris Chubbuck.  “She had a protective coloration,” he said, “what might appear to some to be no need for friends.  I felt she was someone with very deep feelings.  Someone who seemed more involved with her job and with her emotions than most people seem to be.  She had a little more depth than most people.  What seemed to concern her was her involvement with the human condition.  She would express a negative reaction to people and the way they treated each other.  One thing about her, though, she was always self-deprecating.  Always.  She seemed so hangdog that I’d always compliment her purposefully.  And she’d always put down the compliment.”  (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

Rob Smith, the 22-year-old night news editor, was closest to Chris at the station.  He liked her a great deal and she would confide in him.  He thought she was bright and talented and professional, but he was horrified by the way she killed herself and found it very uncharacteristic. (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

“She was an extremely intelligent girl and a good reporter, a real asset to the news department.”  -Mike Simmons (Ocala Star-Banner, Aug 1 1977)

Most of the time, she spent, I think, feeling like she was an outsider.  And um, there were times when she was so moody that you could just tell by looking at her that you best back off.  There were two sides to her: there was a side that was warm and loving and funny and generous and giving.  And then there was this other side that was just like this Dr. Jekyll-and-Mr. Hyde.”  -Sally Williamson, former classmate (Boulevard of Broken Dreams #106, 2006)

“She had no greys in her life.  Everything was black-and-white.  Things were either wonderful or terrible.  Chrissy just didn’t have a compromise button.  Chris clearly had some depressive issues; my parents took her to psychologists and so forth. … I think that [blood and guts] part of television, that salacious part of television, Chris detested. … I think Christine never really had the image of herself that the rest of the world perceived.  They perceived her as confident, they perceived her as attractive, and they perceived her as gifted at her job.  And I don’t really know that she perceived herself fully as any of that. … I think that she felt that the station emphasized sensationalism over serious journalism.  Was her final statement a rage against that kind of television?  Yes, clearly it was.  Was it how she felt?  Absolutely. … If you have any bit of suspicion that somebody’s in trouble, do everything you can to help.  Hold them in your arms, remember to tell people you love them.  It’s the best you can do.”  -Greg Chubbuck (Boulevard of Broken Dreams #106, 2006)

“It was a huge story.  It was all over the networks and all over the newspapers. … Nobody really knew her.  People didn’t really know who she was; they had no idea what kind of person she was, what was going on in her head.”  -Sally Quinn (Boulevard of Broken Dreams #106, 2006)

“I remember when they first brought in Christine Chubbuck.  She was hired because she was intelligent, smart, witty; a very good writer.”  -Craig Sager (Boulevard of Broken Dreams #106, 2006)

“She was very anxious to be seen.  She felt that because she was on the edge of a large market, that maybe somebody from Tampa, St. Petersburg might see her, they might hire her. … Everybody that knew her had some regret that we hadn’t realized her problem.  -Dan Lunin (Boulevard of Broken Dreams #106, 2006)

“Personally, I feel Christine wanted some significance in her life.  And, for whatever reason she did it, the exact reason still baffles me today.  -Gordon Galbraith (Boulevard of Broken Dreams #106, 2006)

After the loss of her first boyfriend in the car crash, Christine devoted every morning to helping a passenger left paralyzed in the accident in his rehab sessions. Greg recalled: “That’s how she responded to losing her first love — to try and help his friend.” It is this tender side which Greg fears will not be seen on screen. “I just wish the people who were interested in Christine were interested in who she really was or helping people who find themselves in the same circumstance. (The Sun, 2016)

“My parents had spent a literal fortune trying to figure out why their gorgeous, beautiful, ­brilliant ten, 12, 15, 17-year-old didn’t react to people the same way as everybody else.” [Greg] now thinks Christine was bipolar, but that was not a recognized condition in 1974. “Christine would do things to a high level of ability then stop and do something else which, again, was one of the early signs she was bipolar. And also the fact that nothing brought her joy in a way being good at something brings joy to most people.” (The Sun, 2016)

He thinks Christine purposefully chose a day when none of her relatives would be watching the show. Greg was at work and his grandparents, who were normally avid viewers, had a doctor’s appointment.  (The Sun, 2016)

Despite having her own morning television show, Greg says his sister never felt she was good enough – and was constantly doubting herself. “She was very gifted and she never felt like she was good enough and she was constantly doubting herself, and I mean morosely doubting herself,” says Greg. “And she would come out of it and she would be better and we would think with all the outside help with the professionals maybe this would be the time she would get her wind and be fine. But it just never really happened completely for her. It is a really sad, tragic circumstance.”  (People Magazine, 2016)

“My family adored my sister,” says Greg. “She was an interesting, gifted, flawed person.  She was flawed from the time she was a little girl. Emotionally flawed in many ways.”  (People Magazine, 2016)

[Chris] was a bright student who “used to make up words for things that didn’t have a word,” recalls Greg. “She just loved language.” … She had a lot of things that she was exceptionally good at and once she showed she could do it she lost interest and went on to the next thing.”  She was a “marvelous person and had this great sort of dry wit about her and a bit of a sharp tongue,” says Greg. But he adds, “She never felt like she fit in and in a sense she never did.”  (People Magazine, 2016)

“She was an ambitious reporter, good at her job, and liked by co-workers,” recalls former WXLT reporter Craig Sager.  “She was a unique person,” remembers friend Pauline Lunin. “She was different. It was the 70s and we were into folk things and the earth colors and she dressed in a bright way. I thought she was very talented.”  News director Gordon Galbraith recalls the quirky side of Christine: “Christine had a bizarre sense of humor,” he says. “She was 29 years-old and she had no problem admitting she was a virgin. So one afternoon, we were doing a mock newscast and because she had no qualms about being virginal at 29 she named herself ‘Pristine Buttocks.’ ‘I am Pristine Buttocks and here is the news.'” (People Magazine, 2016)

“I just thought [Tim] was brilliant and sophisticated and handsome and tall.  And Christine was like him.  The few times that I met her, very attractive, she had a very sophisticated demeanor.  She carried herself with a lot of poise, a lot of grace.”  -Former coworker of Tim Chubbuck (Kate Plays Christine, 2016)

“She was one of those people you could tell any joke to.”  -Gordon Galbraith (Kate Plays Christine, 2016)

“And I came out to her, being gay, and it was like, ‘No big deal, my brother’s gay.’  So I had someone to confide in.”  -Steve Newman (Kate Plays Christine, 2016)

“Craig [Shilowich] met a handful of [people who knew Chris] and he told me about what they said.  There were a couple of things that stood out in my memory. Most of them were things that alluded to the fact that they were incredibly in awe of her. That even though she was an incredibly difficult person and she was frightening and confusing, everyone sort of loved her on some strange level.”  -Rebecca Hall (Yahoo, 2016)

[Rob Smith] was spooked by how well the film [Christine] depicted what he had lived. “I was amazed by how you captured Christine,” he told Shilowich.  (the New Yorker, 2016)

“There was no romantic interest, we were just friends. We talked a lot, got along great. Funny lady, you know? But I have a warped sense of humor. I dug her. And, when she went into morbid land, I never took it seriously because she always started laughing.  I probably wasn’t mature enough to know she was trying to reach out.” -Rob “Smitty” Smith (the New Yorker, 2016)

“[A fake suicide] was something that Chris would do. I can see her doing a fake suicide more than anybody.” - Rob “Smitty” Smith (the New Yorker, 2016)

When Chris was 15, she wrote her autobiography.  In it she said: “…I hope to be able to become a lady with a little spice, a housewife, mother, and good friend to all of my acquaintances… But whatever I endeavor I shall try to make a go of it.  Because, if there is anything that leaves a sour taste in my mouth it’s failure.”  (Washington Post, Aug 4 1974)

Click here for the full PDF version.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or medical professional. None of the information contained in this essay is meant as medical or psychiatric advice. It is representative of only my own personal experience and opinion. I also want to mention that I do not use AI to write whatsoever. This article is my own original composition and collection of ideas.

Introduction

When hearing the story of Christine Chubbuck, the first reaction by many is to ask themselves why this happened. The August 1974 Washington Post article¹ by Sally Quinn, long seen as the "definitive" source of information on Chris’ story, seeks to answer that question through multiple avenues, but misses the mark substantially. This is due to not only the brevity required for such an article, but also the relative lack of understanding around mental health at the time it was written.

Chris' final words expressed her disgust at WXLT for sensationalizing the news. Quotes from friends and family show a woman who was deeply dissatisfied with her personal life and lack of connection with others.  Her brother Greg said in later interviews that he believes she suffered from bipolar disorder².

While these explanations might seem sufficient on their own, they don't answer the questions of specifically why and how mental illness could drive someone to carry out this act. I therefore want to explain –  from my own knowledge, perspective, and personal experiences – what I think might have been at play here. Of course, this is all personal opinion and speculation on my part. Only Christine herself could give a 100% accurate answer that explains exactly why she did what she did.

I've said for as long as I've had this blog that I wanted to make the conversation surrounding Christine into something beneficial for those who suffer from depression and mental illness. I also want to educate people who know or love someone who deals with these conditions. I want to show the thought process of someone who suffers with depression and similar or co-morbid disorders. I want to show people who feel like Chris did that they are understood and that they are not alone. That's what this essay is intended to do.

A Quick Preface

With that being said, I would like to begin by discussing my personal history with mental illness. I went through a few traumatic events as a child, starting at 12 years old with the death of my father. I witnessed his sudden, unexpected death in person at the time it occurred. At 16, I was present at a local hospital during a shooting. I was never in any real danger, but while it was happening I perceived that I might be shot or even killed. Throughout my childhood I also experienced ongoing religious trauma. I feel that these events, along with a genetic, chemical, and/or neurological predisposition, led me to develop full-blown major depression and anxiety disorder by the age of 17. I was formally diagnosed with both at that time. However, because I’ve been in therapy since 2013 and I'm properly medicated, my symptoms are significantly decreased.

Trauma & Attachment Style

When Chris was a teenager, her first boyfriend died in a car crash. This undoubtedly was a traumatic experience for her, and this sudden loss surely shaped the way she consciously or unconsciously viewed personal relationships from that point forward.

Traumatic experiences this that happen in childhood are called Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, for short.³  ACEs greatly affect our attachment style – the way we relate to those close to us – be it parents, friends, or significant others.  Every person on earth has an attachment style, whether it be secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant.⁴  The death of Christine’s boyfriend most certainly qualifies as an ACE and was therefore a significant contributor to her attachment style.

Based on short testimonials from the police report and Washington Post article, I personally believe that Christine developed an anxious attachment style.  The sudden death of her boyfriend created a mental understanding of the world where relationships are fragile.  The brain now sees the unexpected loss of loved ones as a very real and likely possibility.  After all, it happened once already.  Therefore the anxiously-attached person, against his or her own will, unconsciously fears the termination of relationships and views these relationships as a scarcity.

Those with an anxious attachment style tend to have low self-worth and a favorable view of others.  They oftentimes feel unworthy of love and tend to feel incomplete when not in a romantic relationship.  They may feel like they will never be good enough for anyone and be highly critical of themselves.  They may obsess over finding a partner, and once they find that partner, they might worry that any mistake will cause that person to leave them.

According to quotes from her brother and coworkers, Chris was very self-critical and self-deprecating.  She often made jokes at her own expense and regularly mentioned her desire to find a boyfriend.  It’s obvious that this was constantly on her mind.  She could never take a compliment; she would put herself down when others would say a kind word to her.  I believe all these outward behaviors can be explained at least in part by an anxious attachment style.

Self-Image

Having an anxious attachment style isn’t the only factor that might’ve caused Chris to have a low opinion of herself.  Clinical depression can also create a sense of worthlessness and defeat in those who suffer from it. When I was in moderate-to-severe periods of depression, I felt worthless; I felt like a loser who didn't deserve anything good in life. Although in reality I was kind, talented, intelligent, funny, and attractive,⁵ I couldn't believe that anyone loved me or wanted to be my friend. I couldn’t feel the love they had for me.  I was convinced that my friends only spoke to me because they felt sorry for me, or that they merely tolerated my existence. Intellectually, deep-down, I knew this wasn't true. But it felt true.

In my opinion, this "feeling" of truth in the depressed person originates from a miswired or chemically-imbalanced subconscious. This feeling is then experienced by the waking consciousness, or the thinking self. In response, the conscious mind  makes up stories as to why these feelings are true and valid.

I told myself I was ugly, annoying, and incompetent. I told myself that I wasn't good enough. I constantly compared myself to others and felt like a total loser if my accomplishments weren't as impressive as theirs. I was embarrassed about being single and felt that my being single was further proof that I was pathetic.  None of this was accurate, but the conscious part of my brain was trying to form a coherent narrative around my self-hate. The brain’s attempts at creating a story of why I felt worthless, of why I felt like a loser, were always incorrect, because that self-hate stemmed from a chemical imbalance – not a legitimate personal inadequacy.

But I couldn’t understand this, because when you’ve had a chemical imbalance your entire life, you don’t realize that your way of thinking about yourself is wrong.  It feels normal.  When I hear Chris' story, I wonder if she was experiencing this same phenomenon.  I wonder if she was trapped in an involuntary cycle of self-hate and negative self-talk.

Self-Harm & Self-Hate

The aforementioned feelings of self-hate that accumulate in a depressed person often come out in self-harming behaviors. It's well-known that women tend to turn their hate inward, while men turn their hate outward. This isn't always the case, but a general trend nonetheless. Women are more likely to display acts of nonsuicidal self-harm, such as cutting. While there is no evidence that Chris ever did this, there is a link between self-injury without suicidal intent and attempts at actual suicide. The reason I mention both types of self-harm - with and without lethal intent - is because either or both can be present in the severely depressed person. The drive to injure oneself comes from, in my opinion, several different places.

Those who have self-hate and guilt may feel the need to punish themselves physically as a sort of "atonement" as it were. Even if he or she is totally innocent, the guilt complex caused by depression is burdensome on its victim. For some who self-injure nonlethally, this provides temporary psychological relief. For those who attempt suicide, they may feel this is the only way to permanently rid themselves of this guilt. They may feel they don't deserve to live.

Others who self-injure nonlethally may do it as an outward expression of their inner emotional world. Whether they intend for others to actually see it varies from person to person. However, in either case, this may be an attempt to bring to the surface - the literal outside - what someone is feeling on the inside. This again provides only temporary psychological relief.

Though her intent was lethal, I feel that Chris killed herself publicly in order to express that inner pain outwardly. Public suicide would be the ultimate spectacle to fully say, "This is the severe pain I am in." I want to reiterate that I am in no way saying it was justified or moral. I am only trying to speculate her reasoning and the reasoning of others who kill themselves on the public stage.

Loneliness

Another prominent aspect of Chris' story is that she often felt lonely and isolated. Being clinically depressed can make you feel alone even if you're surrounded by people that love and support you. While I have no doubt that Chris' unique personality and intelligence made her feel like an outsider, being depressed can greatly exacerbate those already-present feelings. Depression as a whole tends to strengthen negative feelings and downplay positive ones in the mind of the depressed person.

But I think Chris also had a legitimate grievance in saying she was lonely.  It could be reasonably argued that Chris was in a workplace where some coworkers put her down or were insensitive when she tried to reach out. It would seem, according to quotes from the various sources available, that she tried to confide in multiple people at work but was dismissed in one form or another.

Jean Reed, a camerawoman at WXLT, said that Chris talked about her previous suicide attempt regularly.  In the same breath, Ms. Reed also stated that Christine thought “hers were the only important problems.”  While it’s impossible to know exactly what was said in their conversations, I personally think that Christine was dealing with such internal turmoil that she was desperate for someone to listen.  She was desperate to express herself verbally because of all the pain she held inside.  She needed to alleviate that pain by talking about it.  Those of us who have ever confided in a loved one or therapist during a difficult time can attest to this: even if the problem isn’t solved by talking per se, it’s an emotional relief to work through your thoughts and feelings by talking with someone else who cares.  I think this is all Chris wanted.  Maybe Jean, who grew up in a different time than Chris (and certainly a different time than our current one) mistakenly saw this as self-centeredness or narcissism.

As I’ll discuss in the next section, Christine also tried to confide in sports anchor Andrea Kirby, who often answered Chris’ self-doubt with sarcasm.  Andrea, at best, seemed to have a “tough love” approach to her melancholic episodes, which probably made Chris feel even worse.  Some people respond better than others to that approach, and maybe this wasn’t the most ideal approach on Andrea’s part.  But I also don’t think Andrea had a very high opinion of Christine to begin with.  She thought she was pathetic.

Chris was known around WXLT for having a dark sense of humor.  When she mentioned to Rob Smith, the night news editor, that she had bought a gun to shoot herself with, he dismissed it to himself as another morbid joke.  While it’s unknown if she at this point had fully committed to her plan, this was in my opinion a test on Christine’s part to see what his reaction would be.  I think she wanted to see if he – like others in the studio – would disregard her attempts at being heard.  I do wonder if she framed it as a joke in the case he responded with genuine concern.  Then, if she decided not to go through with it, she would’ve had plausible deniability and been confident he would write it off as dark humor. 

Betrayal

The Sally Quinn article states that Chris’ only real friend at the station was Andrea. However, Rob Smith stated in 2016 that he and Chris were close and that she often confided in him. In my opinion, Chris probably attempted to be close to Andrea because they were both same-aged females, and Christine wanted to find someone she could relate to. But she also regularly talked to Rob.

Andrea wasn't very empathetic towards Chris, and in the article it seems like she thought Chris was pathetic. This no doubt came through in their conversations, where Andrea admitted to commenting, "That's right Chris, just kick yourself in the ass," when the woman would get down on herself. It's clear that Christine was trying to reach out, but Andrea saw her as whiney and mentally weak.

Ms. Kirby also knew of Chris' crush on their coworker, George Ryan. Christine confided in Andrea about her crush, but was unaware that he and Andrea were already dating. Presumably Andrea did not disclose this to Chris, because Chris attempted to ask him out at his 30th birthday party and was promptly rejected.

This was cruel of Andrea. Who's to say she didn't want to see Chris humiliate herself?  Christine surely recognized this as the betrayal it was. She had been knocked down by one of her only close friends, and her circle undoubtedly felt even smaller after this incident. (Unless George and Andrea had already broken up at this point, but this was never mentioned if so.)

Outlook On Society

As depression strengthens negative emotions, Chris' already-cynical view of the station was probably amplified by her depression or bipolar disorder. She was passionate about her job - something she valued very much - and the constant push from higher-ups to concentrate on "blood and guts" reporting surely felt like a slap in the face. Christine's stories, those things she felt were important and worked hard on, were regularly pushed aside for sensationalized content. As her mother Peg stated, Chris' job at the station was the only thing of purpose in her life. And with that being repeatedly stepped on by upper management, I'm sure Christine felt very sad and defeated.

Aside from a professional disappointment in her immediate surroundings, this probably also influenced the way she saw society as a whole. It's indeed disheartening to remember that negative news always draws more viewership than positive news. This was no different fifty years ago. The "if it bleeds, it leads" tactic was being practiced in newsrooms nationwide at this time. Chris probably saw this and began to lose faith in not only her workplace and community, but in society as a whole. From her perspective, the general public was demonstrating to her that they were happy to be the spectators of others' misfortune.

Eyewitness News

As a journalist, Chris would also clearly have understood the implications of performing this act on live television. While it's impossible to say for sure, I believe she thought it would not only bring attention to the topic of suicide, but also the desire of society to see "blood and guts" content. It was her way of saying, "This is the violence you're asking to see. How can you find this entertaining? What kind of person are you?" It was a sarcastic way to force the world to ask itself this question. While I think it's clear that Chris ended her own life for personal reasons, she took the opportunity to make a public statement about the nature of news and the way the public was consuming that news. It was a comment on the public and their growing preference for violent and sensational content.

The Future

Considering that she very much wanted a husband and child, Chris was no doubt anxious that she was running out of time to do so. Nowadays people tend to get married and have children later. But in the 70's, many women were getting married and having children right out of high school or even sooner. This societal pressure would make anyone anxious about their future prospects, especially if you are 10+ years "behind" everyone else.

Her mother Peg mentioned that Chris regularly got stood-up by men who had agreed to go on dates with her. This constant, repeated rejection from romantic interests is emotionally exhausting. She might've even begun to believe it was her fault, or that something was fundamentally wrong with her that caused them to behave this way. This feeds right back into a negative self-image, which again, is often created and exacerbated by depression.

It was also stated in the Washington Post article that Chris had recently had an ovary removed, and her doctor advised that she needed to conceive in the next few years or she might never be able to have a baby.  When depression is already telling you that your chances for happiness are unlikely, this sort of news feels like the final nail in the coffin; a final confirmation that fulfillment was never meant for you.  It doesn’t feel like a setback that can be overcome.

Perhaps she started to give up and believe she would never find a husband with whom she could start a family. She felt like she had no future, like she couldn't have the life that would give her fulfillment and make everything worthwhile. These feelings then enter the destructive feedback loop of depression, and it feels like there is no chance at all for a future.

This hopelessness is scary, and for some people, suicidal ideation is part of the "fight or flight" response. I think it's a possibility that Chris was so scared of having an unfulfilling and lonely future that she wanted to run away from that future by ending her life.

Summary

I think that Chris ultimately felt disappointment in several areas of her life, and she thought it was too late for her to find any lasting fulfillment of her own. In her mind, she would never have someone to love. She would never have a child. She felt like a failure in her career, which she was beginning to hate. She didn't see herself as a competent, talented, and attractive woman. She felt like men weren't interested in her and wouldn't even give her a chance. Without a husband, and with only a small window of time to conceive, chances were slim in her mind.

Time was running out for her to "make it," and she felt worse and worse as time went on. The existential dread of ending up completely alone was terrifying.  She didn't have faith that things could be different for her, and she assumed the current downward spiral in her life would continue until she was left with nothing. She had reached out so many times but didn't get the result she so sought, the result we all seek - connection and bonding with others.

We are made to interact with each other.  We intrinsically seek positive regard from those we love, and we in turn seek to give them the love they have given us.  Christine craved this reciprocal experience of love: love from friends, love from a husband, and love from a child of her own.  When she feared she would forever be denied these things, she spiraled down into a hopeless despair – a despair perpetuated by the irrational thinking and negative self-image of clinical depression.

The ultimate lessons of Christine’s story are these: We must listen when others reach out to us.  We must reach out to those we care about.  We should look within ourselves and find where our thinking about our own situation is irrational or detrimental.  And we have to take care of ourselves – mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. 

Afterword: What Helps Me

Throughout the years I've tried different medications to try and alleviate my symptoms.⁶ From 2010 to 2015, I took SSRI's for my depression and anxiety. While they helped keep me from spiraling, my personal experience with them was very sedating, and they made me feel emotionally empty at times. I switched to an SNRI (Duloxetine) in 2015, and this alleviated the sedating effect. In 2017, when I was diagnosed with OCD,⁷ I began to take a tricyclic (Clomipramine), which greatly decreased my tendency to obsess and become "stuck" on certain themes or topics.  During periods of heightened anxiety, I also use mindfulness⁸ and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy⁹ (abbreviated as CBT) to help me.  However, since 2017, my need for these has decreased drastically.

But by far what has helped me the most, specifically with my depression, is taking prescription-strength vitamin D. I finally got full bloodwork about two years ago, and I was very vitamin D deficient. Now that I take 100K IU's weekly, my thought process has totally changed. I no longer have a sense of pervading sadness and helplessness. I'm less likely to imagine the worst possible scenarios or be down on myself. I can think more clearly, and I feel like I'm truly meeting myself for the first time since I was 13.

I have also made a concerted effort over the past two years to reach out to others, regardless of if I’m certain they will reciprocate with me.  I know now that the risk of rejection is a price we have to pay if we want to find “our people” in this life.  We have to keep trying until we find those we’re compatible with, whether it be friends, significant others, or any other type of relationship.  Good people are out there.  But sometimes we just have to be patient and keep searching before we find them. 

We have to believe in our ability to overcome, and for those of us who are spiritual – the ability of a higher power to assist us in our endeavor to find meaning and fulfillment in this life.

Endnotes

[1] The complete Washington Post article.

[2] Although Greg states he believes Chris was bipolar, which includes alternating manic and depressive states, I will only be discussing the depressive aspect in this essay.  I am not very familiar with bipolar disorder and have never personally experienced it, so I don’t feel confident trying to analyze the role it might have played for Chris.  Here is a WebMD article about the differences between major depression and bipolar disorder.

[3] CDC article about ACEs.

[4] Article about attachment styles.

[5] People have told me that I’m attractive, anyways.  I don’t want to sound vain.  But despite my insistence that I wasn’t great-looking, people have told me over the years that I have a nice face.  But I won’t act like I’m a model or something; far from it.

[6] I am in no way saying that anyone should take medication.  That is a personal medical choice, and you should talk with your doctor/psychiatrist/therapist about your options.

[7] I specifically deal with what’s termed “pure-o” or purely-obsessional OCD, which is actually a misnomer.  It just means that my compulsions are mental instead of acted out physically.  For example, as a teenager when I constantly worried about my health (the obsession), I would ruminate heavily (the compulsion) on the “what ifs”, trying to figure out if I could solve what was going on.  I would also spend a lot of time on the internet looking up symptoms.  While OCD has never personally stopped me from having a job or functioning in my day-to-day life, it can be extremely distressing and even debilitating for those who suffer from it.

[8] Article about mindfulness meditation.

Many thanks to those of you who have emailed me over the last few months. I've been sick on and off since February, but once I get to feeling better I will update the blog with your submissions. Thanks again for your continued support.

"tapesignal" is my reddit username and where I first used this pseudonym. It's a reference to my interest in analog media and has nothing to do with the tape related to Chris' death. I do wish now that I'd used something different. However, this blog is already established, and the username is also present in my contact email for this project (see webpage header).

I would like to contribute with this information. According to Steve Newman's words in "Kate plays Christine", the Chubbucks were great-grandchildren of Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks. So, I began to look at her family tree and I did not find any confirmation. This is what I found:  

Christine was indeed linked to a branch of Fairbanks via her maternal grandmother,  Verne Anita Fairbanks (1896-1986) who married Stephen Chubbuck (1896-1983) in 1916.

Starting from this point, Christine's ancestors on her father's side can be traced up to the 13th generation up to William Fairbanks (also spelled  Fayerbanke and Fairbanke) who was born in 1455 and died in 1518 in Sowerby,  England.

Some noteworthy ancestors of Christine, on this side, include:

Lt. Joshua Fairbanks (1727-1821) who was a patriot and served with the Massachusetts Militia during the American Revolution. He was the son of

Dr. Jonathan Fairbanks, jr. (1662-1719) who was the first physician in Sherborn, Massachusetts. He was the son of

Dr. Jonathan Fairbanks, Sr. (1619-1683) who was born in Halifax,  England, and migrated to America during the Great Puritan Migration (1621-1640).

But I found no evidence of any link to Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. (1883-1939), to Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. (1909-2000) or to Mary Pickford. By the way, there is very little information on her maternal side. 

I've decided to completely re-type the police report and additional paperwork regarding the day of Chris' passing. The report is already publicly-available, but is difficult to read due to the fact that it's handwritten and possibly the method of scanning. I've opted to remove the details of the autopsy, as I feel those are private and should not be included.

As always, this document is for historical preservation purposes only, and is not meant to glorify suicide in any way.

Please be mindful that some details, especially on the supplementary paperwork, are disturbing. Additionally, private information, such as home addresses and phone numbers, have been redacted for privacy reasons.

Thank you to Erfan Farzeneh for sending me the supplementary police files.

Click here to view or download the Police Report.