did you guys see those april dialogues
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seen from Malaysia
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did you guys see those april dialogues

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Joon Hwi's letter to Kang Sol(a)
i would lie awake dreaming to belong in someone's arms
wanting to be in the safest place
yet all i would do is stay away
as their daggers drew on my scars
they knew me the best
but thats what hurt me the most
they knew where it would bleed
and thats where they cut me open
so life ahead was overcast skies
i thought no future existed for me
as the only future i wanted was with them
so life was bleak
people were dancing with the music on
yet all i could do was watch their lives go forward
still stuck with the song that was played on the moment they left me
and there you were
you didnt know anything
but life finally was in motion
the moment you woke me up from a life buried in hindsight
i never thought the mornings were worth waking up to
not until mornings meant another day with you
you kissed all my scars
and the heart that had given some parts of it away,
made itself whole for you again
you didnt know how you lead me home,
but i know in you i found shelter
life made me lose hope,
but in you i found hope in life again.
love was what betrayed me,
but for you ill trust in love again.
mirror, mirror on the wall - a.m
The Doll
Hans Bellmer
Hans Bellmer was a Surrealist artist and photographer from Germany. I wanted to research specifically his work surrounding the human body, femininity and mutilation. I was instantly drawn to his sculptures and his series of photographs entitled ‘The Doll’ or ‘La Poupée’. I find the way in which the body is presented quite disturbing. There is a strong connection to mutilation, abuse and violence captured within these photographs and the sculpture itself. Structurally, the shapes used seem quite fluid, like they are formed by gravity, weight or pressure. Furthermore, the smoothness of the shape and texture of the doll on the left makes it seem to posses this viscous appearance. You can see the surrealistic qualities within the work, especially the subversive and disruptive way that he presents the female body. Bellmer is showing this female body as something irrational, something that doesn’t fully make sense or goes against how we as a societal collective want to view our or others bodies. I see Julia Kristeva’s idea of Abjection captured within Bellmer’s work. Its hard not to see this doll as some type of corpse or reference to a corpse. As well as this obvious connection to death, I can also see the connection to mutilation. While viewing these photographs, I do think about photographs taken during World War 2 both on the battlefield and in the concentration camps. I think about injured soldiers on stretchers, hospitals and those who bodies were left behind. Dismemberment of the body instantly has a strong impact as it reminds me off my own physical body, morality and all the horrendous injuries and events that could possibly happen to me. Bellmer often photographed ‘The Doll’ wearing young girls’ little white socks and the black patent leather shoes. Incorporating children’s clothing, especially these items that are widely considered connected to school, childhood and innocence is very bold and impactful. Maybe this is due to the disturbing link of these items to the fetishisation and abuse of these young school children that is unfortunately always been a reality in our own society throughout time. Maybe Bellmer is trying to present this idea of abuse as something inconceivable, unthinkable and something that he cant, or the audience can’t make full sense of. Abuse and more specifically sexual abuse are concepts that straight away make people feel very uncomfortable, similarly to the uncomfortable sensation of viewing these photographs. There is a sexual element to some of these photographs while others do feel very sexless. There’s definitely a confrontation between Bellmer presenting the sex and sexuality of the female body and Bellmer photographing the female body through an unforgiving and asexual lens. I lean towards the idea of Bellmer emphasising the breasts and genitals to create an uncomfortableness, presenting the obscene and pornographic but in a confronting rather than over sexualised way. Corruption of innocence and the corruption of this doll’s body is used in a way that makes the viewer think about their own corruption and sexual thoughts when faced with these images.
You & Me.
🌹 9.9.18
With the blue water embracing the sunset representing what was of you and me,
I sighed and took a staccato sip from my golden afternoon tea.
Rembering everything that there was before dawn sure is better than reality,
For that was when there was an us and not a ‘you and me’.

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Writing
The words I write feel like a cigarette I feel completely like a smoker releasing heat Trying to rid myself of bad while inhaling worse I am alive to take a drag of my pain away I can’t seem to kick my addiction To such a soft drug as it fills my lungs As they reach capacity I exhale words amazing I exhale everything that I have imagined I exhale the bad, sensual, and good parts of me.
~Cass
i just wrote some bullshitttttt
almost all the gags of the fic (from nearly veering off the road to profound buc-ees confusion to double penguins) were stolen from conversations with my friend, who also made me finish writing this one. so yay to that
i think weronika’s competition with neo is not only because her “life was on the line” (for the money, for the safety, for whatever she was singing for at that point). like i think it WAS that at the start because she didn’t know neo
but i feel deeply that her love of music and her desire to provide makes her strive to be someone like worth seeing, worth loving, even beyond providing. but to be a musician is to be a father!!! if she sets her sights on someone and she knows that person is nothing like her father (even if sometimes they get a story parallel (cough heart at 100.4)), then she can safely aspire to be that and to assume that role without also hating herself for following him. 🤔