#writersdiary

It’s a halloween night of all nights. I’ve broken through my writer’s block. As I was waiting to hand out candies, I got a text from a friend who snapped a pic of a book that I’d recommended to her: “Hood Feminism” by Mikki Kendall. I don’t even remember seeing this book physically myself. For many years I’ve only listened to books - in the car while driving, while working on my laptop, or on my iPad, as a way to lull me to sleep. It was the only way I could do it. My friend asked me why I loved this book. What stuck to me was this - If women experienced food insecurity, women often becomes the demographic that gets hit the worst. The tone was introspective of personal encounters yet pinned relevant research to solidify the message. 

So ecstatic for my friend to be able to pick this book up.

today was inevitable. it's prosaic. undistinguished. paramount. blank. treacherous. hysteric. panicked. frazzled. tumultuous. erratic. frivolous. and eventually defeated, ungracefully.

gently though, at night, hopefully, a starry night, the day goes. sadly though, early, way too early, it begins again. somberly I wonder why we can't stay at our most comfortable. no words stayed, I lived a day, this day and I cannot hold it dear, I cannot hold it all. not a sticky word to say, not to describe, I'm a blank page gathering a pile of empty a4's.

Too early, yet I saw a girl today whose face depicted exhaustion and suddenly didn’t feel so tired. I got close to overwhelming anxiety and panic-attacks today so now I’m embarassed. I hate feeling so problematic. 

Bus; could sit, but a bitchy girl totally set me back with just a word, I cannot believe it’s so easy for me to swing from wanting to try to wanting to run away from the world. She got up on the platform where the seats are like she stepped up from the little path and just stood there, so shook, confused me hesitantly took my bags and lifted them into my lap and she says ‘yes’ in such a bratty matter like it came over that she expected the whole population to move to her demands, as if her not asking if she can sit there was the most usual thing and I lost so much fate into humanity once again as if I wasn’t in minus already.

Train; had to stand, the man behind me was cursing at the train before we even got on and then went wild with murmers realizing he’d have to stand. 

Bus; had to stand, nearly fell over, nearly..

Bus; standing again, but I made it to McDonalds in time for breakfast pancakes so it doesn’t really matter, I read the last few pages for my afternoon lecture and shopped some dr.martens and looked at flowers and got dissapointed as the cute english/american store was all sold out of lucky charms. 

Bus; yup, standing, again.. a long walk, but I found the building without any errors so I’m lowkey proud of my directionless being. 

Bus; now this was a hellish disaster, firstly it was raining, I was already tired and the first two busses showed up displaying the text ‘already full’. The third bus did stop, but it was loaded and I had to stand once again, this time cramped together with people as if groups and closeness don’t mess with my head, for 20 minutes.

Train; could sit, a tiny child cutely hugged my leg and it’s dad apologized profusely, I genuinely didn’t mind, not just the I said it’s fine although it isn’t just to be polite.

Bus; could sit, it was very busy so not comfortably. 

Cycling in the rain *doubblesigh*

I want a bubblemachine/Please get me a bubblemachine/

I’m a headcase. I’ve fucked up throughout the day. Mostly I’m just thinking where’s my money? hah joke is don’t have any cause I don’t actually work. Looking for some kind of at-home not invasise kind. I did drink cinnamon- licorice- star anise-tea and it was SO good. 

I need an angermanagement-diary/ at least I think I should need one/ because I’m fundamentally flawed; endlessly annoyed; easily angered; prone to outburts and breakdowns; 

I’m probably a mix of Ayoade’s socially awkwardness , Acaster’s irony and sudden fits of anger combined with a talent for scrapes (clumsiness), and Rhod Gilbert’s ranting and raving rage and pettyness. 

In other words I should be fucking hilarious> spoiler I’m SO not! I’m anti-funny. I’m just terribly tragic. 

Also a little of Sheldon Coopers vengeance. 

Today; I was tempted to not get off at my stop and stay on the line till the airport and fly somewhere enavitably better than uni or my non-excistent home. It was so fuckin cold at 6 in the morning it was out of order to expect me to leave my bed with it’s soft fluffy pillows baracading the cotton big pillow and the duvets layered with wool and plush blankets perfectly comfortable and all of that horror to bike to the busstop teeth-shaking. Bastards;/Spiteful weather dickheads I had to stand there and wait my arms tugging at my sweatshirt for more warmth, trainstation still goddamn freezing, busstop still want to punch the wind, stacked into the bus like canned salmon, absolutely unacceptable, don’t they know I’m like a spagettihoop I will not be alright, I will so not be alright. I wasn’t I nudged all the people around me and nearly fell eleven times in the 4 minutes, totally embarrassed with my armstrength.

Lecture; hurried like superhumanspeed hurried to the bus to the station to the golden arches to get their before 11 for breakfast-pancakes; ate a combo :3

Wandered through the store considered buying facecreams and cleansingmilks then got low-level irritated at the very many flipping options for facecare, then I wandered and found sourpatchkids for much cheaper than the store I usually buy those. I went to buy earphones because I left mine at home; bought a bloody powerbank dragged it in my stuffed bag for the single purpose of being able to listen to music the whole damned day, it’s tragic I know. Bought a lipbalm night treatment because it’s actually on my list of facial products that I want to get because I’ve looked at the whole bunch and found a bunch of stuff that I cannot buy in the country I live in because why make things easy. I went through primark since it’s along with little nonsense everything stores the only one open so early on mondays, bought fluffy socks and harry potter christmas socks. 

On my way back I sat across from two women on the train that chugged oreos down like there mints. They just put the whole cookie in their mouths and started chewing like a damn dog. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed, an absolute tragedy, how the fuck can you do that, it’s not an acceptable option. It’s fucking not. She shoveled that package through her mouth like she’s a logflume and hasn’t eaten logs in forever, it’s a carnage. My standard facial expression consists of looking lost, confused and shocked can’t imagine what my eyes must’ve been like seeing this absolute bullshit. I’m so angry still. 

Getting mad at the tv - genuinely upset about a disagreeing with a person on the tv, yikes my temper is out of control - you know for sure if you lose your mind yelling along at stuff thats pre-recorded at people that won’t hear, seriously breaking your mind to the extent you can’t see the reasons its illogical to shout abuse and arguments at a fucking tv. I shouldn’t watch judge shows, the people that appear on those are always such dickheads, they say the most infuriating things and they want the weirdest things and I always end up getting fed up with them. 

Jlast day of the compulsory goingabouts for the week. it’s so cold it almost feels as if my bones are shrinking. this morning wasn’t as early as yesterdays. thankfully, I decided to wear layers finished up by my biggest hooded sweatshirt which I usually refer to as a hoodie<but I suppose its only called that when it has a zipper. I’ve decided the weather is calculating their attacks, it rains when i’m indoors which I adore, and the wind rages when I have to cycle somewhere, like a prick. I’ve smelled toast all day, except for when I smelled warm apple pie with icecream that vanilla milky air mixed with autumn, da da da da so-so happey!!! There wasn’t any toast, but for clarification I usually find the best foodplaces by following scents so I know that eventhough I didn’t see the warm applepie with icecream it was close, it has to be the good kind too not the cakey one nope, doughy outside soft and golden with apple cinnamon raisin center just out of the oven, sad I was in a hurry, bought a cheese-sub and hot cocao from the selfregistered to-go supermarket next to the track. 

BUS-TRAIN-BUS WAS A G’DMN ROTTEN DISASTER - bus delays, train cancelled, had to fuckin run to make the 3rd bus - I was still on time, guess first lectures they expect you to not be on time? *shrug* ate some oreos listened to the history of art history went back home. 

~some part of me wants to tell somebody about my life

~Can ya add to an overheard conversation? Cause I wanted to shut that shit right down; flailing arm gestures and a hard no; pretentious nonsensery like I’m not a pink girl who says O. My. GOD. but it would’ve been the moment to.

~I have been told that Im inuitive/sensitive that I notice/feel things that go unnoticed /dont know what to do with that/ I am quite excellent at reading people - too scared though to talk to the ones I dont instantly distrust or -like

~Sean Lock’s brutal cynical comments are such life-advise material and Ron Swanson is a whole mood.

I find the word chuckle quite charming. 

Ya nobbit, KEEP your sausage hands fucking further away from my airport toblerone / I will plot your murder quietly at a distance and one day I’ll make it look like a fucking accident you basic weak-kneed creampuff I’ll stomp on you and you’ll squash like I punched a cake or some yoghurt / Like a fuckin goblin with that trol patato you consider a face / forget about when you woke me up, bloody bastard touched my triangles would’ve warned you I get stabby if I hadn’t yelled it at you when you woke me up fucking ogre twat, spineless baby keep on stomping that boat at the end of your leg I’m not afraid of some tosser child losing his mind on some acrylic floor dumb fuck, MY AIRPORT TOBLERONE THE BLOODY HUGE TOBLERONE YOU CAN ONLY BUY IF YOU GET A GODDAMN PLANETICKET YOU TOUCHED MY AIRPORT TOBLERONE, 

{My response once someone jokingly said what would you do if someone stole your toblerone/ I could only imagine i’d be the rat that thinks it can wake me up before two p.m.}

~can john bishop come motivate me? 

also you need to buy a planeticket to even be allowed near the airport toblerone obviously its superiour to all other triangular shaped food.

In the middle of nowhere

I found myself drowning

overwhelmed to the uncertain

holding on with doubt

in the midst of chasing after you

or choose to stop the uncertainty

I’m in despair

thinking what to do

hoping you could appear

one day in reality

not just in dreams and uncertainty

my mind wants to escape

the heart don’t

tell me what is more consequential

so that I could follow

the right path going near you

or going far away from you

how could this be happening when

we didn’t even said goodbye

nor hello didn’t work

you’re special to me

I know and should always know

that I am just a stranger to you.

But there is something persuading inside

whispers ‘wait and see.’

7/11/18

I’m finding the right words to describe how I feel about you. Finding words that cannot be described. Finding words that doesn’t exist. Finding words that no one can understand.

The pen can understand how incomparable the ink is but it cannot write anything on the paper. No one in the world can see how i’m feeling. All they know is that this feeling is relevant. Ceterus Paribus! The pen just want to write but no exact words can narrate what is going on inside. Just like the ink inside the pen, the pen serves as the fortress of the ink. Baby, i’m at my comfort zone trying to come out with exact words. “To write is very easy” that statement is definitely wrong for someone who is crazy about you.