#wonaks

You come back from lunch, and you notice that your phone has a dim "You Have A Message" notification in the display. How long has that been there? Why can't your phone have a flashing light, or something more obvious?   If you're extra unlucky, the voicemail is from me, and is 3 minutes of me rambling and giggling. If you'd like to respond in kind, here's my guide for leaving the fingernails-on-chalkboard equivalent of voicemails.   Wait a few seconds after the beep to start talking <Extended silence> (surprised) "Oh! Hi! James? James! I'm sorry, I was distracted with this email I was reading. Did it beep? It must have."   Crack a confusing and terrible joke "Well, if it didn't beep, I'll just do it. BEEP."   Overlaugh "Ah! Hahaha. Ah."   Try to talk business "Okay, the reason I'm calling. I just wanted to let you know I won't be coming into work today. My son is sick. I'm going to work from home, but I will need to take him to the doctor from 1:00 to about 2:00ish."

Hi, we’re Sarah and Martin. We’re busy professionals and parents and can't really keep up on pop culture, but we ARE tastemakers. Even without ever having heard the music in question, we feel pretty confident that we can write an excellent review. Here's our review of One Direction. MW: If you’re a music lover, One Direction is just OK. You know, catchy pop tunes, lots of harmonies -- all pretty standard, pretty boring honestly.  But if you’re an advocate for equal rights for all Americans, One Direction really sets a new standard for inclusion and progress. As an all-boy-band consisting of two married couples and one brother/brother-in-law, One Direction shows the “one direction” we as a human community need to be travelling: towards justice and equality. The real progress of One Direction, of course, is that none of this is ever discussed -- AS IT SHOULD BE.  By simply presenting themselves as a boyband (as opposed to a “gay boyband,” or a “boyband advocating for gay marriage,” or anything), they quietly eschew labels and go a long way towards normalizing the issue for millions of fans, young and old.  Fleetwood Mac didn’t go out and announce at the beginning of their concerts: “I’m married to him, and he’s married to her, and we’re all having affairs with that guy!” Neither did Def Leppard or the Beach Boys -- these issues of the human heart were simply a part of each band’s private life, a natural piece of being human and in love. So it is with One Direction: completely unremarkable musically, some of their songs are OK, it’s all totally forgettable. Honestly, you don’t ever need to listen to them, there are much better things to do with your time. But for (quietly, unassumingly) standing up on behalf of equal rights for all people, they rate an A+ in my book.

SW: Hmm, Martin, I'm not sure you have this quite right. Def Leppard and the Beach Boys were all dating each other? Are you sure? Are ALL bands just a bunch of people dating each other and pretending to play instruments?  WAIT. What about Pearl Jam? No Doubt? WINGS?!!?! My mind is BLOWN.

I'm not going to pretend I'm any sort of One Direction expert. BUT, my sister, Viki? She is a newly minted MOTHER OF A TEENAGER (as of last Tuesday). So, I've deferred to her for some expertise.  First, Viki expands a bit on her One Direction expertise:

"My expert opinion, to follow, comes not only from attending their concert, and having pretty damn good seats BTW, but from watching them first-hand while we lived in the UK as they were formed on X-Factor, and from surviving my daughter's frequent screaming when "That's What Makes You Beautiful" comes on the radio.  Which it does... every day.  Several times.  I did not raise my daughter to scream at the cute, but limitedly talented!  What has happened??" Okay, Martin. Let's go through your points. First, you called One Direction "OK."  Once Direction music:

"...cute, catchy, within a limited musical range (I can reach most of the notes, and so can they); absolutely tailored to attract the tween/young teen girl who lacks a bit of confidence and wants to feel good; amazingly well marketed." Hmm... Sounds like Viki agrees with you. But Viki then turned the question on her daughter, Alex. What does Alex like about One Direction? Viki speaking again:

"I asked Alex and her friend.  Alex looked at me, giggled a bit, cast her eyes down, gave a shy smile and exclaimed, "Everything!" with a bounty of enthusiasm.  Not a shred of substantiation came out of her.  I desperately tried her friend who responded with perfectly copied non-verbal behaviors and cried, "Lots!" So, there you go. Obviously One Direction is OH MY GOD OH MY GOD SQUEEEEEEEEEEE.faint

Now, for your final point. Are they all married to each other and shit? I was doubting this at first, because aren't they all 9 years old? How old do you have to be to get married in England? Anyway, so I asked my sister all casual - I asked her if any of them have girlfriends. (I slipped her a note after Pre-Algebra.) Viki scribbled back in her signature magenta ink:

"I believe they all have had or do currently. Don't ask me for details!  After reading a recent article on the new generation's beliefs on homosexuality, I asked Alex what she thought would happen if one of them came out as gay. She replied that it wouldn't change anything." Wow. So, that is totally awesome, right? My hope for future generations is renewed. 

Oh no. Look, I'm just trying to grab my lunch bag from the extra fridge in the kitchen. Please don't stop me and give me a compliment on the RJG training that I put together. Look, let me just give you a run-down of what will happen if you do choose to praise.

As soon as the words come out of your mouth, there'll be an extended silence while I try to respond. You'll hear the office-version of crickets: sneezing, nose-blowing. Why is the person behind this cube wall blowing their nose so softly? It's like what a corpse would sound like if they were blowing their nose. And it's obviously a judgement on my own nose-blowing. Even though I'm careful not to honk in the office.

I snap back into the moment, and my mouth begins to form various shapes, with vowel sounds coming out. "Oh, Ah, eee." I don't blush. Instead, I smile like a lunatic, my gums blinding you with their shimmer. I start to downplay all my accomplishments, "Oh, it was super easy! It was nothing!" Then I start listing how everyone else helped out - the Team Leads reviewed everything and gave great feedback. The testers had eagle eyes and caught all my mistakes. I make it sound like I basically did nothing.

I see the regret tumble across your face as you realize that I'm giving an Oscar acceptance speech for your miniature compliment. I wrap up quickly with three fist pumps in the air and a corresponding "Teamwork! Teamwork! Teamwork!" I re-think the cabbage roll just in time, and quickly pivot, scuttling back to my desk, still smiling like a lunatic, my gums drying out from my brisk pace. I'm nearly back at my desk when I realize I still didn't grab my lunch and I have to take a lap around the entire office, squeezing past you back into the kitchen with a nod-smile-duck to get my lunchbag.