#uninformedreview

Hi, we’re Sarah and Martin. We’re busy professionals and parents and can't really keep up on pop culture, but we ARE tastemakers. Even without ever having heard the music in question, we feel pretty confident that we can write an excellent review. Here's our review of One Direction. MW: If you’re a music lover, One Direction is just OK. You know, catchy pop tunes, lots of harmonies -- all pretty standard, pretty boring honestly.  But if you’re an advocate for equal rights for all Americans, One Direction really sets a new standard for inclusion and progress. As an all-boy-band consisting of two married couples and one brother/brother-in-law, One Direction shows the “one direction” we as a human community need to be travelling: towards justice and equality. The real progress of One Direction, of course, is that none of this is ever discussed -- AS IT SHOULD BE.  By simply presenting themselves as a boyband (as opposed to a “gay boyband,” or a “boyband advocating for gay marriage,” or anything), they quietly eschew labels and go a long way towards normalizing the issue for millions of fans, young and old.  Fleetwood Mac didn’t go out and announce at the beginning of their concerts: “I’m married to him, and he’s married to her, and we’re all having affairs with that guy!” Neither did Def Leppard or the Beach Boys -- these issues of the human heart were simply a part of each band’s private life, a natural piece of being human and in love. So it is with One Direction: completely unremarkable musically, some of their songs are OK, it’s all totally forgettable. Honestly, you don’t ever need to listen to them, there are much better things to do with your time. But for (quietly, unassumingly) standing up on behalf of equal rights for all people, they rate an A+ in my book.

SW: Hmm, Martin, I'm not sure you have this quite right. Def Leppard and the Beach Boys were all dating each other? Are you sure? Are ALL bands just a bunch of people dating each other and pretending to play instruments?  WAIT. What about Pearl Jam? No Doubt? WINGS?!!?! My mind is BLOWN.

I'm not going to pretend I'm any sort of One Direction expert. BUT, my sister, Viki? She is a newly minted MOTHER OF A TEENAGER (as of last Tuesday). So, I've deferred to her for some expertise.  First, Viki expands a bit on her One Direction expertise:

"My expert opinion, to follow, comes not only from attending their concert, and having pretty damn good seats BTW, but from watching them first-hand while we lived in the UK as they were formed on X-Factor, and from surviving my daughter's frequent screaming when "That's What Makes You Beautiful" comes on the radio.  Which it does... every day.  Several times.  I did not raise my daughter to scream at the cute, but limitedly talented!  What has happened??" Okay, Martin. Let's go through your points. First, you called One Direction "OK."  Once Direction music:

"...cute, catchy, within a limited musical range (I can reach most of the notes, and so can they); absolutely tailored to attract the tween/young teen girl who lacks a bit of confidence and wants to feel good; amazingly well marketed." Hmm... Sounds like Viki agrees with you. But Viki then turned the question on her daughter, Alex. What does Alex like about One Direction? Viki speaking again:

"I asked Alex and her friend.  Alex looked at me, giggled a bit, cast her eyes down, gave a shy smile and exclaimed, "Everything!" with a bounty of enthusiasm.  Not a shred of substantiation came out of her.  I desperately tried her friend who responded with perfectly copied non-verbal behaviors and cried, "Lots!" So, there you go. Obviously One Direction is OH MY GOD OH MY GOD SQUEEEEEEEEEEE.faint

Now, for your final point. Are they all married to each other and shit? I was doubting this at first, because aren't they all 9 years old? How old do you have to be to get married in England? Anyway, so I asked my sister all casual - I asked her if any of them have girlfriends. (I slipped her a note after Pre-Algebra.) Viki scribbled back in her signature magenta ink:

"I believe they all have had or do currently. Don't ask me for details!  After reading a recent article on the new generation's beliefs on homosexuality, I asked Alex what she thought would happen if one of them came out as gay. She replied that it wouldn't change anything." Wow. So, that is totally awesome, right? My hope for future generations is renewed. 

We here at Bit City take our jobs as cultural gatekeepers very seriously – so much so, that we feel it our responsibility to bring you the latest reviews and opinions on movies, TV, and music whether we've actually seen or heard the piece of entertainment in question or not. With that in mind, here is our take on that new movie about male strippers.

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When I first heard about this film, my initial reaction was, "Oh great, just what we need – Showgirls with Channing Tatum." But then I heard it was directed by Steven Soderbergh, who I really like, so maybe it's actually pretty good. Not good enough that I'm going to pay money to go see it, mind you, but hopefully not half bad.

I've never been a huge Tatum fan: the one movie I've seen him in, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, I was not impressed (and I never saw The Vow, though I heard it sucked). From what people are saying though, he's not that bad in this; the movie is apparently based on his own experience while stripping to pay for college or something, so hopefully it would be in his wheelhouse. He is the titular Magic Mike, but I guess that's not actually the main character. That would be some guy named Adam (Alex Pettyfer, the dude from that crappy I Am Number Four sci-fi movie no one saw, as well as In Time, that crappy Justin Timberlake sci-fi movie no one saw), a young college student, or college dropout, or whatever, who gets introduced to the world of male stripping by Tatum, who he works with doing construction, or maybe meets in class.

Then, a whole lot of stripping. Apparently there is one actual dong shown – in a penis pump no less – but I hear that's just a quick shot backstage. On stage, lots of abs and assless chaps. Oh, and Matthew McConaughey! In what is no doubt a revelatory, scene-stealing performance, McConaughey plays the strip club's owner with just the right mixture of smirk and self-awareness – slightly parodying his own public image to, I'm sure, hilarious effect. Not only, according to a review I just read, are there bongos, but also repeated use of the phrase, “All right, all right, all right." Sounds awesome.

With all the partying, however, comes the drugs – and with that the movie no doubt takes an unfortunate turn into the same “this is the bad time" 3rd Act we've seen before in Goodfellas, Boogie Nights, Blow and, I'd be willing to bet, half-a-dozen other movies. I expected a little more from Soderbergh then yet another “nobody to somebody back down to nobody again” story that takes place against a dangerous yet likely colorful backdrop of drugs and sex. This is a man who has shown equal acumen in directing everything from crackerjack popular entertainment (The Ocean's 11 films, which were pretty great – though I did fall asleep for a little bit during the second one) to award-winning dramas (Traffic, which I really enjoyed the one time I saw it), to experimental films like 2009's The Girlfriend Experience (which stars, like, a real porn star or something. I don't know, I just remember hearing about it) so the last thing I'd expect of him is to churn out a movie with such a generic plot. Oh well, I'm probably never going to see it anyway so, no huge loss. I really am interested in seeing McConaughey's scenes though – hopefully someone will put together a YouTube montage.

Hello, we're Martin & Sarah. We're busy professionals and parents and can't really keep up on pop culture, but we ARE taste-makers. As long as one of us has seen something, we feel pretty confident that we can write an excellent review. Here's our review of Downton Abbey.

Sarah: I've never actually seen the show. I've seen lots of vague facebook statuses about it, once listened to an NPR interview about how linguistically the script is NOT historically accurate, and saw a Slate headline for an article comparing Mad Men characters to Downton Abbey characters. (I did not click the link to learn more). I didn't even do any Internet research for this piece. So, yes. My opinion is ridiculously uninformed. But, I still have a right to my opinion, right? RIGHT. Look, I love this show. LOVE IT. It's true that I love any period costume drama, and would probably even love Two and a Half Men if they dressed in period costumes. But it's more than that. It's British! It's set in Victorian England! It's a little bit Jane Austen, a little bit PBS reality TV show Manor house, and a little bit lusty romance novel. What's not to love? This series is basically a re-telling of Upstairs, Downstairs, the classic British drama about nobles and the servants who work for them, which I’ve also never seen. I think I have seen an episode of Fawlty Towers, which I think is a comedy about servants starring John Cleese. Anyway, it's awesome seeing all the ways that the two classes clash - and how their perspectives are actually growing closer as we march on to modernity. Maggie Smith (aka McGonagal from Harry Potter) is in it! I'm pretty sure she plays a hard-nosed dowager who isn't willing to change with the times. (But has some intense love affair going on behind on the scenes). The best part, though, is the love triangle! There IS a love triangle, right? There's got to be. I am on Team Nice Guy/Underdog, obviously. Oh! He is such a heartthrob. Let me guess: The spunky ingenue, Elizabeth, grew up with the steward’s son, Oliver, who’s so nice and sweet and smitten with her. But she recently met Giuseppe, the dangerous, rich, Italian-born friend of her cousin, and she’s falling for him. Did I get it right, Martin? Martin: I’m proud to say that I’ve watched each and every minute of Downton Abbey and, Sarah, your ridiculously uninformed opinion is not wrong. In fact, while each and every detail is completely inaccurate, the larger picture you paint is good; it’s like you stood in front of a canvas, closed your eyes, and randomly flailed your brush, but the painting you ended up with was actually modernist and pretty compelling. The show is actually set just before (and, later, during) WWI (that was the war with the trenches, right?). Victorian England was like 1800 or something.  I also refuse to do any internet research on this. So let’s say that Victorian England was from 1750--1850 and World War 1 was from like the beginning of 1910 to maybe the end of 1910?  That means this show takes place from 1909--1911 (so far). Since the war begins and ends in the span of a single season, it certainly feels like it starts during a garden party in March and is over by Christmas (just in time for a Very Special Episode).  But nice try, Sarah. Anyway, there are definitely a lot of costumes and underdogs and servants and backstabbing and love and lust in Downton Abbey.  It’s soapy, sudsy, sumptuously shot, and sensational to look at.  The second season, however, really catapulted the show into Days-of-our-Lives-levels of subtlety and Candyland-levels of nuance, but it was still pretty watchable and addictive. Actually, Sarah, the thing that you got, startlingly, MOST/LEAST/SORT OF correct about Downton Abbey is Maggie Smith’s torrid behind-the-scenes love-affair: in fact, the show is mostly just a soft-core porn starring Dame Maggie Smith. Take it from me -- I’ve seen it all!