#wolfstar asks

“Wotcher, Padfoot.” he greets, because if Sirius is going to continue to glare at him, from his own goddamn bed, then he’s going to be completely unbothered by it. Dramatic, all too confident Sirius raises an eyebrow at him, as he places his rucksack on the floor, and kneels to remove his charms textbook. That wasn’t the reaction he was expecting. He was expecting this to be the point when Remus asks him why he’s glaring a hole into the wall. But since he doesn’t get the reaction he wants, his teeth sink into his lower lip, in the way he knows drives Remus crazy, and his long fingers slide through his hair. If Remus wanted to play that way, then he would. He didn’t mind going along with it, for the fun of driving Remus crazy with his antics. “Alright, Moony?”

Remus was trying exceptionally hard not to stare at Sirius as he bit his lip, but he’s sure that Sirius’s gaze is fixed upon him as he watches. And it’s not like he can tear his eyes away as Sirius pulls on his own goddamn hair in the way Remus fucking wants to. He wantswantswants. But he can’t have it, and he knows that. Because he knows that they’ll never be more than just friends who fuck around, and he’s over it. He’s not wasting any more time on a relationship that won’t go anywhere. So instead, he raises his eyebrows in return “you gonna keep sitting there, or you wanna go back to your own bed before I geet changed?” He’s giving Sirius the out he needs to end this stupid charade, but Remus was a liar if he thought that Sirius would take it. Not when he’s clearly irritated with him. So when the other boy makes no move to leave, Remus pulls off his uniform jumper and begins unbuttoning his uniform shirt. Then it’s Sirius’s turn to stare, his eyes tracing the scar that crosses from his neck down his chest. He wantswantswants Remus so badly, but there’s nothing he can do. He won’t be the one to break. So instead, he nods toward the window. “Fancy a smoke? Figured you don’t want to go to the astronomy tower, but the boys aren’t here so we can smoke while they’re out.”

Remus has never agreed to anything faster or more enthusiastically in his life. He would love to watch Sirius smoke a cigarette right now, all thin, quaking fingers and gentle tapping. And he loves the way the smoke curls past his lip and into his hair. He pulls on a jumper, warm, soft wool enveloping him, and perches himself on the sill. Before he can even blink, Sirius is directly across from him, the carton abandoned and two cigarettes in his hand. “Got a light, or do I have to do everything for you?” 

“I’ve got one.” Remus replies, reaching into his pocket for his lighter. It makes it through exactly one cigarette before it’s out of fluid, and for as much as Remus would like to curb his yearning for nicotine, he wants to watch Sirius smoke way more. So he holds out the cigarette to his best mate, and tosses the spent lighter aside, murmuring fucking useless shit under his breath. Sirius let’s out a chuckle, because of course Remus would do that. “Don’t be daft.” Sirius said, forcing himself in between Remus’s legs and into his personal space. “Put that in your mouth and inhale.” He whispers, their lips brushing just slightly. Then he’s pressing the lit end of his cigarette to Remus’s, and using one to light the other. When he moves to pull away, Remus’s hand is firmly on his hip, anchoring him to the space. Sirius takes it as a sign, and pulls the cigarette out of his mouth to press a kiss to the soft skin of Remus’s neck. He’s only met with rejection, which he’d be lying if he said didn’t hurt. “Pads, we can’t do this.” 

“If you pull that useless just friends trite out of your arse again, I swear to fucking Merlin.”“Padfoot, we are just friends!” “We’re not just friends and you fucking know it, Moony. Pull your head out of your arse for five minutes and just, for once in your life, consider that i’d rather take you on a hogsmeade weekend then watch you go with that hufflepuff git.” “Sirius, you don’t want to date me, so you don’t get a fucking choice.”“Where did you get the idiotic notion that I don’t want to date you.”

That throws Remus for a fucking loop. “I-you- what?” “Remus Lupin, will you be my date for Hogsmeade this weekend, and hopefully many other weekends following this weekend? And before you answer, consider both that I’m very, very fit and totally your type. And an excellent lay.”

But then Remus is closing the space between them, and it’s all so charged with annoyance and love and Sirius is wondering how on earth Remus didn’t see it. How couldn’t he see it, when Sirius’s affection was so plainly right in front of him. But that doesn’t matter, because they’re here, smoking cigarettes on the window seat, arms wrapped around each other. It took a while, but now things had been made right. 

“I think you’re just afraid to be happy.” asked from this prompt

1.1k words

tw: that internalized homophobia is a real bitch, f slur

Calm, cool, collected. Act like you don’t give a shit. That was what Remus Lupin told himself on a day to day basis. But one look at the tremor in his hands, or the way his shoulders were always drawn with tension, was enough to indicate that the exact opposite was true. He’s deeply flawed, deeply insecure, and a literal fucking werewolf. How do you get to be all of those things, and also cool, calm and collected? They practically cancel one another out, which was a nice way of saying he had never actually been calm, cool, or collected. Sirius Black. Best mate. One-quarter of his friend group. One of the only people that has ever seen past the facade of apathy that Remus shows the world. Sirius, who climbed into his bed after the full moon just to hold him and make sure he was okay. Sirius, who had laid out all of his trauma in an effort to make Remus feel comfortable enough to talk about what goes on inside his head. Sirius, who wanted to keep him happy, but understood that sometimes people have to be sad. the empathy, loyalty, and care that Sirius had shown him knew no bounds. That was why Remus had to put a stop to it. Because Sirius never would, and Remus couldn’t let someone with so much love to give waste it on a person like him. Someone who could hurt him, someone who once a month suddenly stopped being a person, and became a violent, bloodthirsty monster. 

He could hear his heart thrumming in his chest, already aching with the heartbreak of the decision he had made. Ending this friendship hurt, even if it was the right choice. But Remus had fallen irreparably, irrevocably hard for Sirius, and he couldn’t let someone in like that. Not when he could hurt him so badly. Plus, Sirius would never love him in the same way, not really. It wouldn’t make sense. As far as Remus knew, he was the only one of their friends who liked blokes. He was the only faggot they hung out with, and once they found out he was a pouf, they definitely wouldn’t want to anymore. It was just another thing on the list, just another reason he had to pull away. For as much as he didn’t want to, he had to start with Sirius. Because if he didn’t, he knew that if he and Sirius still persued this friendship, he’d be pulled back into the fold. He couldn’t say no to that boy, and he was completely aware of it. Perhaps his red-rimmed eyes and quaking hands would convey to Sirius what he couldn’t with his words. Perhaps they’d explain that he wanted this, he just couldn’t have it. He knew it, and Sirius should too. 

“Sirius, can I talk to you?” With just one question, his voice had threatened to give him away. “Yeah, Moons. Good talk or bad talk?” He asks, and Remus so desperately wants to just thank him for asking. Despite everything that’s about to happen, despite all the things Remus isn’t, Sirius still has the empathy to ask him in such a short, non-threatening way if they should stay in the common room or go somewhere where no one will be able to hear them. Remus has been down this road before with Sirius, where everything is falling apart and he just needs someone to talk him down from his stress and his feelings, and Sirius has always asked good or bad before every one of those conversations, and come up with some fake detention, or prefect duty, or something Remus has to do to get him away from prying eyes. He loves him for it. It’s fucking unfair. “Bad talk.” He practically whispers. But then Sirius has pulled out of the dorm, through the common room, and spun some excuse to James about a detention the two of them have. When Sirius finally lead him to the balcony of the astronomy tower, Remus had already started shaking like a leaf. 

He’s enveloped in warmth, the smell of cloves and ink and cigarette smoke, and it took him far to long to register that he’s wrapped in a loving embrace from Sirius. He wanted to thank him for getting him away from everyone, but he couldn’t. Not with what he was about to do. “Moons, you look practically green right now. What’s got you so stressed out?” 

“I uh–” He started, before promptly clamping his mouth shut. He needs to be delicate– be careful with Sirius’s feelings. Now is not the time for Remus’s usual brand of blurting everything in one long-winded ramble because he had it bottled up for too long. But despite his best efforts, he does precisely that anyways. “We need to stop hanging out because you’re getting to close and I’m so afraid I’m going to hurt you or disappoint you or you’ll think I’m disgusting and I can barely handle daily life let alone that kind of fucking heartbreak.” 

What he didn’t expect was a gentle, humourless laugh from the other boy. “Why would any of that happen?” “Let’s see... I’m a gay werewolf who sucks at human interaction and has a crush on one of my best mates?”“You’re a what?”“I’m a werewolf that sucks at human interaction?”“Moony, do you have a crush on James?”“No, you absolute nonce.” “So, who?”“I can’t tell you! I can’t believe you’re even entertaining the idea of this! None of you guys are gonna want to be seen around with a fucking faggot!” “Are you fucking serious right now?” “No, but I’d like to be.” well he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. But then Sirius is pressing a soft kiss to Remus’s lips, and his heart feels like it’s going to explode out of his chest. “I-um-what?” He stammered, but Sirius gives him a knowing smile instead of an answer. “Okay, that’s sorted then. Anything else on your mind, Moons?” 

“Sirius we can’t keep hanging out. I’m so afraid of hurting you.” “Moony, can I be completely honest with you for a moment?” “Please.” He practically whispers. 

“You’re not afraid of hurting people or being rejected or any of that shit the way you’re afraid of happiness. I think– I think you’re just afraid of being happy– because you don’t want anyone to find some reason to take it from you. And Merlin, people have taken everything else from you. It’s no wonder why you’re so scared.”

He doesn’t mean to be a cliche. Not really. But Sirius had hit the nail so directly on the head that it hurts. He doesn’t want to deal with the heartbreak that being happy means he’ll have, when everyone inevitably leaves.  “Rem, please just trust me enough to help you be happy.”