#with ryan

IV: hey

IV: let's talk

PT: mmmm hold on.

IV: i'm holding

PT: okaaaay.

PT: here i am.

PT: whats up.

IV: just checking on you

IV: but i have the feeling that this is probably the least effective way to do that

PT: shrug???

PT: im good.

IV: what are you doing right now

PT: i dunno. lying around? listening to music? the usual boring shit.

IV: i'm coming over

PT: fiiiine.

FINN: -there's a firm few knocks at her door within a few minutes.-

RYAN: *draaags herself out of bed to answer the door. she doesn't look very amused.* haaaay.

FINN: hey sunshine

FINN: can i come in or

RYAN: *makes a face and shuffles back in, gesturing for him to follow.* yeup.

FINN: -steps inside and looks around, taking in the state of the room- no offense or anything but

FINN: you don't look like you're feeling great

RYAN: is that your professional opinion as a doctor? *throws herself back onto the bed*

FINN: -follows to just sit next to her and shrugs- what's going on

RYAN: *plays with the edge of her pillow* why does something have to be going on?

FINN: i just know you okay

FINN: so for you to be acting like this something has to be going on

FINN: -smiles a little- i mean you haven't flirted once and it's been a few minutes so that's a big warning sign

RYAN: *scoffs* its not exactly a mystery?? our last encounter wasnt like... super great.

FINN: okay but usually it's not just

FINN: you know

FINN: one thing

RYAN: i just feel weird hanging out with you after that ok? this isnt rocket science. *grumps*

FINN: well i don't feel weird

RYAN: *looks at him* ... you dont?

FINN: no

FINN: you didn't seem like you felt weird to me before

FINN: you just kind of avoided talking about it but i don't want to do that with you this time

RYAN: *sighs, squeezing her pillow.* i dont know what to say.

FINN: i mean you don't have to know

FINN: i'm just worried about you

RYAN: *shrugs* ... theres nothing to worry about...

FINN: -he sighs-

FINN: how often are you taking them

RYAN: *grumbles* im not really keeping track.

FINN: -watches her and manages to form a question- every day

RYAN: i... guess so. yeah.

FINN: -it's hard for him to not be overbearing when it comes to this, but there's a part of him that's begging for him to take this slowly despite his feelings. despite how much he'd like to protect her from herself. it's not his place.- would you say more than once a day

RYAN: *the worst part about being asked all this is how it puts things into perspective for her too. it's easy to write off if no one else notices, if no one else cares. if everyone just thought it was all just quirkiness. and clutches the pillow tighter.* sometimes.

FINN: i know it's hard talking about it -he takes a moment before putting a gentle hand on her arm in support-

FINN: why though like

FINN: what makes you want to

RYAN: ... i... i dunno. because im bored?

RYAN: ... because being bored makes me anxious????

RYAN: because i literally just... dont know what else to do with myself??? fuck.

FINN: -he does his best to listen more than he speaks. there are so many things he wants to tell her but also so many things he know won't do any good. he settles for brevity- what do you get anxious about

RYAN: *sniffles a little and sighs in frustration over the fact she's being vulnerable like this.* i... i never stay in one place long cuz i feel like if im not doing something with my life then im wasting it you know?

RYAN: even if that something is just.

RYAN: getting into messes.

RYAN: ... but it doesnt make sense.

RYAN: i dont know how much i wanna do all that now? like what ive got here should feel... fulfilling right?

RYAN: and it does! im happy but im like.

RYAN: restless.

RYAN: i dont fucking know.

FINN: -he understands too well, even if it is an entirely different situation for him. he knows how it is to be restless, to be anxious that everything you're doing isn't enough.- so basically what the pills do for you is shut your brain up and make you feel like you're still living your life

FINN: is that what you're saying

RYAN: ... yeah... basically. *hides her face*

FINN: hey

FINN: come here -he would LIKE to help her at least put her pillow on him so she isn't alone. honestly he just wants to hug her.-

RYAN: *muffled noises into the pillow before she draws away again to sit and lean against him.*

FINN: -he puts both arms around her tightly- i know it seems like it's working right now but there are better ways of getting through this without putting your life at risk

FINN: it's not going to be easy but

FINN: there's going to come a time where the pills aren't enough and

FINN: when you keep trying and trying to silence your demons and it doesn't work you'll go farther

FINN: -he swallows- and your solutions could kill you because you end up growing numb to everything you tried before

FINN: -he probably doesn't realize how tightly he's hugging her right now-

RYAN: *it's okay, because she's squeezing him back just as tight. she's at a loss for words, and there's still a defiant part of her that wants to argue and push it all away... but she still wants to listen, too. she doesn't want to end up with regrets, or dead. all of it is overwhelming to think about, so for now she only focuses on holding him and being held.*