#witcher nonsense

He’s the only one who doesn’t realize this fact, even when she’s saved his life on hunts in the past.

“...what do you mean he doesn’t know?”

And that’s Jaskier, who just assumed Eskel’s known Lil Bleater is the mortal form of some horror from beyond time and space or whatever that’s become fond of her Witcher friend.

Because he’s heard the stories about Lil Bleater from Geralt and the others okay. Eskel himself told Jaskier about this one hunt where Eskel was knocked unconscious and dragged down into some dark, dank lair of whatever he was hunting and when he woke up Lil Bleater was standing on his chest bleating her little head off.

(Also, the mangled remains of whatever caught Eskel off-guard were stomped into the mud and much, bits of bone and torn flesh glinting in the gloom, and surely it must have been a trick of the mind that Lil Bleater’s eyes seemed to glow red, because head injury you know?)

Geralt and the others give Jaskier this pitying look they’ve tried, okay. So many times in so many ways and Eskel just thinks they’re joking? Like ha-ha, good one, right Eskel? :DDDDDDDDDDD

Eskel’s had Lil Bleater for years by the time Jaskier shows up on the scene, decades even, and hasn’t seemed to notice she looks the way she did when he found her.

And Jaskier, okay.

He’s like oh.

Because, okay, because.

Jaskier’s known Geralt for two decades now and no one’s said anything about him not aging either, so.

(Oh, sure, they have plenty to say about Jaskier pining for Geralt like you wouldn’t believe for the longest time, but the whole not aged a day in over twenty years thing? Nothing.)

Anyway, Jaskier decides this can only mean that he and Lil Bleater should become allies, which they do of course to everyone’s regret forever.

Incidentally, the first major Incident to take place after Jaskier and Lil Bleater join forces is about the time Eskel realizes wait, wait, what do you mean Lil Bleater isn’t a normal goat?

Like.

Jaskier and Lil Bleater are utter menaces on their own, but when the two of them work together it’s something to behold and on at least one (1) occasion was mistaken for the end of the world.

(Geralt and Eskel might have would have been more inclined to clear up that little misunderstanding if it hadn’t been for thing with the kidnapping and torture and other heinous acts, and really, the baddies got what was coming to them, so you know.)

Most of the time when they team up Geralt and Eskel are just off to the side drinking and staring off into nothing as something catches fire/explodes to the sounds aggressive lute playing and bleating/various goat noises.

Vesemir’s in his chair reading because he wants no part of this nonsense and Ciri’s totally not holding Lil Bleater in her lap with Jaskier next to her.

Yennefer is either the one pouring drinks or taking notes/offering advice depending on her mood at the time.

Also!

Those times he was left for dead by enemies near a known monster nest and that lovely witcher with the adorable little goat saved his life?

And then that time he almost stabbed - and almost stabbed by - the other witcher with the medallion of a cat around his neck?

(Delightful man, he and Jaskier traded tips and such regarding such things as thievery and whatnot. His “traveling companion” was endearingly cranky and grumpy and so easy to rile up.)

And then!

There’s the matter of this other witcher he meets in a little tavern while on a mission. Playing the part of the humble traveling bard and oh, something interesting?

And then various shenanigans in which Jaskier does his spy thing in between Adventures With Geralt?

(The thing in Cintra wasn’t planned, but it worked out for the best in the end, so. Job well done???)

Unfortunately Jaskier didn’t forsee himself falling in love with Geralt - the very idea! - but he he did and his boss is like “Jaskier, no,” and Triss is like “Oh, Jaskier,” and Yennefer glares at him the whole time she’s healing him when Geralt takes him to her during the whold djinn business.

(”Should have left you to die,” she mutters among other things, but she’s a soft touch, really - “Am I?” and also terrifying, so!)

More shenanigans and that damned mountain and anyway, anyway, it’s probably better this way. No distractions from his work and while he’s undoubtedly more efficient at it, his boss worries and so do his contacts (friends), but!

Work to do and Nilfgaard being all suspicious-like, and anyway, anyway.

(He does get little respites here and there, stopping to look in Ciri as a humble traveling bard and she’s really very sweet - a bit terrifying like her grandmother, true, but still very sweet - and anyway, yes.)

More shenanigans and Nilfgaard going from suspicious-like to oh, shit and Jaskier going to get Ciri - forget his job, he’s gone and gotten attached - only to find that she’s mostly saved herself, but still.

The matter of getting her to safety, and really the best place for that is the Kaer Morhen Geralt’s mentioned a time or two.

(And, yes. It’s more the fact she’d be surrounded by witchers, Geralt being one, and he knows they’d never let harm come to her, so. Off they go.)

Shenanigans in the form of adventures and hey, look, it’s Geralt!

Jaskier leaving her in Geralt’s protection because with everything going on at the moment Jaskier has work to do - so much! - and anyway, he’s done his job here.

Geralt being all...Geralt at him, and oh, Jaskier’s such an idiot to be fond over that, isn’t he? - but work to do and Geralt needs to get Ciri to Kaer Morhen and anyway!

Shenanigans and the whatnot until Jakier makes a mistake and ends up in a cell somewhere with all these lovely new mice friends!

(Really, so lovely.)

And while he’s working on his escape plan Geralt goes and rescues him, and it’s a bit annoying because it was a wonderful escape plan, but it is what it is, you know?

More shenanigans with Geralt being all Geralt at him and then there’s all this yelling because feelings (ugh) and suddenly kisses? Not like Jaskier minds, but where did this come from?

Love confessions (with grumpy face because feelings and Jaskier all oh because it’s not one-sided and Geralt is looking all opend and vulnerable and anyway.

Feelings, right?

Anyway, this is nice because of the kissing and the soft little smile all for him and Geralt’s still very Geralt, but Jaskier likes that about him (so much, an embarrassing amount, really) and anyway.

More of the kissing and so on and “Yennefer told me an interesting story” because Yennefer is the worst really, and knows so many embarrassing stories about Jaskier and his spy career and if Geralt could stop laughing at Jaskier that would be great?

But oh, okay, kisses are nice too and anyway, anyway, yes.

Still though, the matter of Eskel, Lambert, and Aiden thinking Jaskier was a gentleman thief/bandit and Geralt thinking he’s an idiot of a bard and Jaskier just like “Yes” because he’s kind of all three, but also spy - Ciri’s the one who guesses it correctly, Triss and Yennefer had unfair advantages in that he told them what he does for a living, and Vesemir is just like *SIGH* because he cannot with any of them.

(Also!

Jaskier and Aiden Conspiring together to everyone’s legitimate concern because the whole gentleman thief/bandit thing (and spy, don’t forget spy) and anyway.

(But then Jaskier is like, of course he’s going to bother her again because she’s beautiful and lovely and they have the best time mocking Geralt and his everything - but in a loving way.

Also he kind of wants to see if she can do it, because how cool would that be?)

Also, Geralt is fond of swords and horses and there’s a small goat prancing about and Jaskier doesn’t know what’s going on at all but it is amazing and wonderful and he needs all these people in his life immediately.

(Even Lambert, who proves to be a bastard who laughs at Jaskier’s misfortues but also threatens to beat up some stranger who was mean to him on public transit and anyway. Aiden is a delight and so on, yes.)

Also, also?

Jaskier is like “You’d have to fatten me up first,” to Ciri upon making the ribs comment as he was until recently a starving college student and so on and therefore he should b safe for a little while longer.

(Until, idk, Lambert is like “I bake!” and someone else is like “I cook!” and Jaskier doesn’t know if they’re feeding him so much because they like him or they plan to eat him later.