#will rose

Kathleen Rose had just legally corrected her family name back to Rowe.

Using the clues Kate left behind, Kathy was able to verify most of what her estranged daughter had said before her severance. As curator of town records, Kathy’s case was well within her control.

But the change hardly reflected closure when so many questions remained.

Did Kathy’s mother Lila really have an affair with Caroline Murphy? That thought haunted her the most, corrupting all aspects of the once angelic presence of her mother’s memory. How could Kate not feel like a dirty science experiment if the rumours were true? Why was Kate celebrating the absurd idea? Did no one else feel repulsed by the incestuous overlap between the Rose-Murphy families?

So, if “Rose” was indeed Lila Roberts’ idea, then Kathleen Rowe decidedly didn’t want any part of it.

Besides, “Rowe” was honest and represented a clan of humble countrymen. She dreamed about becoming one of them several times in the days following the loss of her motherhood.

Her first decision as Kathy Rowe was to inform her shrinking surviving family about the change. Namely, her sister Vivian.

“Wait, so, if you’re taking Dad’s name then I’ll be using Mom’s name? Kate too?”

With impressive calm eyeing her bare ring finger, the elder sister replied, “Catherine is an adult now, she can decide for herself what namesake best suits her current feelings.”

The younger sister pleaded, “Was this really necessary? You’ve always been a Rose.”

“Far from it,” Kathy snorted. “I chose Mom once before, but I’m not—her. I don’t know why I ever let you talk me into your ridiculous idea when we both know I was always meant to be taking after Dad. Before Reginald III, I don’t know if I even needed to be a mother in the first place. The whole ordeal is quite over now.”

“Kath, that’s not fair.”

“Well. You’ll tell her for me, won’t you? I’d hate to miss the Christmas card she won’t send.”

“Hey, do you remember what Mom used to say? ‘If you don’t like something, change it.’ Call Kate. Fix this.”

“I don’t want to hear about Lila Rose anymore; I am Kathleen Rowe now, it’s done.”

The next day, Kate knocked on Lee’s dorm door across the hall from hers. It was only then that she realized how Lee Sato had pretty much always lived across from her. Did that mean anything?

“Jo, Lee? Either of you guys home?”

From the other side she heard Jo call out, “Kate?”

Lee opened the door. “Oh. You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“A ghost, huh? Maybe. I’m not ruining anything, am I?”

“Yes.” He was kidding. “You alright?”

Jo answered cheerfully behind them, “We’re watching a Bigfoot documentary. Come sit.”

Kate took two small steps into the couple’s room. “Sorry. I didn’t know who else I should talk to about, um, what I came here to talk about, I guess. Are you sure I’m not bothering you guys?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jo answered, “sit already.”

“Um, well—where?"

“On the couch, next to Jo,” Lee told her.

“But where will you sit?” Kate asked. “I don’t want to take your spot. I can just sit on the floor.”

Lee chuckled, “You do see the chair I’m holding, right?”

“You’re not taking anyone’s spot, relax,” Jo insisted. “What’s up?”

Kate finally took her seat, curled her limbs inward, and began: “My Aunt Vivian called me last night. You know how some parents repurpose their kid’s bedroom when they move out? Like, turn it into a storage or sewing room, or whatever? Well, my Mom did a little more than that. She changed our family name.”

The drive to RBU campus was a two and a half hour-long therapy session for Kate, Jo, and Lee, but it only scratched the surface. Kate told the couple most of what happened in Feverfew the previous summer, but stayed close to the facts: who Dad simultaneously is and isn’t; Aunt is Mom, Mom is Aunt. Kate didn’t even get to the Tale of Two Grandmas. But many of those painful details from her summer away danced defiantly against the otherwise still, airless void of her mind. As soon as memories resurfaced, Kate pushed them down with fearful quickness. Her strategy was working so far: university life offered enough daily distractions to keep going. But Kate knew that sinister doubt of hers remained. Looming. Waiting.

Kate continued, “Jo, you remember the huge fight I had with my Mom, right? Well, um, there’s a bit more I didn’t tell you.”

She nodded. “The fight. I’m a little offended you’d think I’d forget.”

“I can leave if you want me to,” Lee offered in a low voice. “If you just wanted to speak with Jo about this, I can go wander for a bit.”

“No, Lee, please stay,” Kate assured, albeit quietly through a mumble. She was only stalling to assess how much they knew, trying to remember and separate what she told the couple in the turbulent transition to campus. “So, as you know, the fight was moreorless about what I learned in Feverfew. Mom freaked. She told me everything I said was wrong, but I guess she must’ve listened to me somewhat because now we’re the Rowe family.”

Jo interjected, “Whoa, back up. Rowe? Why?”

“That’s part of what I didn’t tell you. Rowe was my grandfather Will’s original last name. He grew up on a farm just outside of Feverfew when he met my grandmother Lila, also from Feverfew, while she was in university. They got married and changed their name to Rose when they moved to Whibley.”

Lee asked, “Sorry if this is a dumb question, but why ‘Rose’? It’s so similar to Rowe already, it even kinda sounds the same.”

“It’s pretty?” Jo guessed.

Kate answered, “No clue, honestly. But when Aunt Vivian told me about the change back to Rowe, she also mentioned that apparently Grandma Lila had this motto: ‘If you don’t like something, change it.’ It’s what inspired my Aunt to change her name to Vivian in the first place.”

Again, Jo felt the need to clarify: “Because Vivian’s name is actually Catherine, like yours, right? You were named after her, because she’s bio mom?”

The question of who Kate’s so-called real mother was remained in heavy, torturous debate inside the child caught in the middle. It burned each time she heard herself call Kathy “Mom” and Vivian “Aunt,” but that wasn’t the reason Kate knocked on her friends’ door today. For now, it was just easier sticking to naming conventions the guys were already familiar with to dodge a much larger, disastrous mess within her that Kate couldn’t explain even if she wanted to. Instead, she sought comfort in vague oversimplification:

“Pretty much. So, now I have to decide for myself what name I want to live with: Rowe, my grandfather’s side, the real name; or Rose, my grandmother’s side, the fake name. Aunt Vivian is staying with Rose, and Mom changed to Rowe, which makes me the swing vote. Ugh, why did I have to be born?”

“Catherine?” Lee laughed with an eye roll. “That just sounds so wrong. You’ve always been Kate to me.”

Jo was excited to point out, “Hey, that’s true! Since ‘Kate’ is more your name, why not pick out your own last name too? Like, what about taking your Dad’s name?”

“Murphy?” Kate mocked. She shrunk down further into the corner of the small loveseat when she muttered, “I don’t think mister famous author Allan Murphy would really like me doing that. He wasn’t exactly happy to find out I existed. By the end of the summer, he—asked for a paternity test, like I was some scam. So, I told him I would never ask anything of him ever. We haven’t spoken since.”

Jo kept trying, determined to find a solution hiding in plain sight. “Okay then, let’s see—oh! What was your grandmother’s maiden name? I mean before she made up ‘Rose.’”

“Roberts, I think. So, I’d be Kate Roberts?” She frowned. The name Grandma Lila went to great lengths to ditch? Why would I want something she didn’t? She died before I was even born, I don’t know why she didn’t want it. Maybe she was a serial killer trying to start over? No, that’d be actually cool. Knowing our dumb family, she probably just wanted to cut and run from her own idiot mother too.

Jo pulled back, her wince agreed Roberts wasn’t much better. It wasn’t a bad name itself, but neither of these new last name options seemed to fit Kate. Jo began to realize there was no obvious solution after all despite her cheerful efforts. “Oh, um—hmm.”

Lee was worrying the same thing and agreed, “Rose is prettier. Maybe that’s all there is to it? Like, Occam’s Razor? Or, uh, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it? Not sure which exactly, but something along those lines. I mean, do you even want to change your name, Kate?”

“Lee has a good point. Forget about your Aunt, Mom, Dad, grandparents, or anyone else for a second. What do you want?”

Just like it was easier to say Mom was Mom even if she wasn’t really, it was also easier to agree than it was to answer honestly. “Rose is prettier. Thanks, guys.”

Lee asked, “That it? You good? I’m not rushing you, just checking. Bigfoot isn’t going anywhere. Well, you know. Relative to the planet, I mean.”

Kate nodded, and shrugged a “Yeah.”

Jo suggested, “It’s a good documentary if you wanna stick around? It’s more focused on fanaticism than debating cryptid existence.” She rolled her eyes playfully. “Won’t stop Lee from believing, though.”

“Biggy is out there, don’t deny.”

“Kate?!”

Kate couldn’t decide what confused her more. Her mother’s dramatized worrying for no reason fell completely flat since Kathleen (a) knew where Kate was and (b) gave permission to be there. Who else would walk through their front door? Wait, did she just call her Kate?

“I would’ve picked you up from the train station had I known what train you were arriving on. Vivian gave you cab money, did she? I’m a little surprised you bothered coming home, I got the impression you might go straight to RBU from Feverfew.”

Kate’s angry stare was fixed to the tile floor, she didn’t see how Kathy’s lips curled a little for the timid beginnings of a smile. Maybe if she did, the teen would’ve heard more sincerity in her mother’s voice.

“You don’t want me around either, huh? Figures. Sorry, Aunt Kathy.”

“Pardon me?”

“I’m moving to RBU tomorrow, there’s nothing you can do. Ground me, I don’t care.”

“Is that what you think? That you can just take, take, take and come and go as you please? Hm? What makes you think you can talk to me this way, Catherine? I am your mother and I deserve respect.”

“What about you respecting me, huh? You’ve been lying to me for years! Why didn’t you tell me Vivian is my—" She couldn’t say it, not yet. Kathy’s scowl stopped Kate in her hurtful tracks.

“Forget it,” the teen spat, marching past the mother. She might as well have walked right through Kathy.

“One trip to Feverfew and you think you know everything, do you?”

“I do know everything. I know more than you do.”

“I highly doubt that.”

From the top of the stairs Kate declared, “I met my grandmother. I met Caroline Murphy.”

Kathy crossed her arms, unimpressed. “Yes, when your father called he told me all about your little meeting. And?”

“Oh yeah? Did you know Rose isn’t even our real last name? It’s Rowe. Grandpa Will changed his name before they moved here.”

“Rowe? Are you sure?”

Kathy had come across William Rowe in the town records once or twice, she simply assumed it was a miswrite of Rose. She wasn’t entirely wrong apparently, just a little backwards.

Kate didn’t wait for her to catch up: “It’s true. Grandma Lila’s girlfriend Caroline Murphy told me the whole story.”

“Her friend, you mean her friend. There’s no need to say it like that.”

“Yeah, Vivian warned me you were bigoted. Caroline was in love with Grandma Lila. They shared a room together in university.”

“Oh Catherine, most student housing was separated by sex back then. Love? That’s absurd. Everyone knows Caroline and Lila were just—neighbours before the Murphy’s divorce and Carol left town. I thought she took all of her shame with her, but it seems she’s spreading it to you now. Allow me to set the record straight: from the day they met, your grandparents Will and Lila were always devoted to each other. How dare you talk ill of your own family like this! In their home!”

“Whatever.”

Suddenly Kathy was decided. “That’s it. You’re not leaving, you’re not going to university. I won’t allow it.”

Kate scoffed, “You can’t do that, I’m an adult.”

“And you will work like an adult soon enough, trust me. But you are not leaving this house; you clearly haven’t learned the right lessons here yet. I should’ve known you weren’t ready for Feverfew.”

Kate was decided now too: “You’re crazy. You’re actually crazy! This whole damn family is so insane! I’m getting my stuff and going to Jo’s.”

She ran up the stairs then, hearing Kathy shriek helplessly after her: “Wh—? Kate?! You can’t walk away from me!”

“Just did,” she muttered.

Kate scanned her bedroom for what few belongings in her mother’s old room that were fully her own, stuff her mother didn’t touch. There wasn’t much.

She was eying the dollhouse when Kathy shouted, “Catherine! Catherine!?”

Kate refused to answer. Instead, she yearned to pick up the stupid, miniature happy home and smash it. Destroy the dollhouse, destroy the Rose house, or both; either way, there was no coming back to this place after tonight. Wasn’t that what she wanted now anyway?

She decided to leave the room in tact.

Kate stormed down the stairs, past Kathy, determinedly headed for the front door. “I don’t know why I came back. Don’t worry, I’ll never make that mistake again, ever. I’m not your idiot anymore.”

“Catherine! Stop this behaviour immediately!”

“You can’t keep me here. What part of that don’t you understand? I will leave right now with nothing but the clothes on my back and everyone will blame you for being a bad mother.”

Bull’s eye. Kathleen Rose was crushed. An eerie silence lingered just long enough for both women to feel badly about what they had said tonight, but it was too late to take any of it back now.

“I—I wasn’t prepared for this,” the mother confessed quietly, “but I was prepared once; I married a good man from a good family. I was prepared to give you only the best with every opportunity at your fingertips. But then you never came. Infertility destroyed my marriage.”

Kathy’s unusual display of vulnerability touched Kate in a way that momentarily stunned the teen, compelling her to stop and turn around. Her giant mother looked so small to the fledgling young adult now. But the sympathy didn’t last long before Kate tripped over something else:

“You were married?! When? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was before you were born.” And I don’t want to talk about it, it hurts!

“Argh! It’s always some new lie with you. If you were married, why aren’t there pictures? Why hide it? Why hide the fact that you aren’t my real mom? You should’ve been the aunt, and Aunt Vivian should’ve been my—”

“Vivian didn’t want you, I did! You’ve seen how she lives now. Do you really want that mess to be your mother? I gave you stability! I gave you a home, family! She—arrgh. This was all her stupid plan in the first place.”

“H-her plan? You mean the grad trip present, right?” Kathy sniffed instead of answering, so Kate sensed her silence was confessing something else. “Oh. So then, how much could you have really wanted me if this was all just her idea?”

“That’s not what I meant. My mother had just died. A door was closing. I don’t expect you to understand.”

“I’m leaving,” Kate told her.

“What about your things?”

“It’s all yours up there. All of it. Keep it. I don’t need anything from you anymore, Aunt Kathy.”

The nighttime quiet felt especially so once Kate stood outside the Rose house, away from the shouting and tears and confusing attempts at love. She expected Kathy to kick down the door, and chase the adrenaline-enraged teen down the street in an embarrassing display only fitting for their screwed up family. But when Kathy didn’t give chase, was it guilt that held Kate there on the porch, or something else? She couldn’t be sure.

One thing she did know, however: Kate Rose was on her own now.

“Come on, Li-luh! I wanna dance!”

“Oh, keep your skirt on. I’m comin’, I’m comin’.”

“Okay! What’d’yah think? Too much?”

Of course I couldn’t say how I really felt, and I prayed my blushing cheeks were hidden well enough in my dimly lit bedroom for her not to notice. Maybe I matched the walls, maybe that’s why she could look right past me most of the time.

“I’ve never seen you like this before,” I said, which was true.

She shrugged with a grin. “Trying something new. I’m trying to bring something back, but I’m not really sure what,” she giggled.

“It’s—bold, that’s for sure.”

“So, it’s too much?”

“No!” I protested. If she changed a single thing I was sure my heart would stop beating. “You look great.”

“Great, ‘cause I think we’re crazy late to meet the boys.”

“Grab your purse and I’ll call the cab.”

“We could probably walk there,” I suggested. Anything to lengthen our time alone together.

“We’re late enough as it is, C. I’m pretty sure if we stall any longer Will and Geoff won’t be there to meet us.”

“So?”

“I’m calling a cab. Just meet me downstairs, ‘kay?”

“Okay. Right behind you.”

I want to say that I knew better. I want to tell you that I didn’t spend my whole life following Lila Rose anywhere she went, or Lila Roberts as I knew her then.

“They aren’t comin’,” Geoff probably said.

“Oh my god,” Will would’ve groaned, because who wouldn’t.

“Why would any nice girl wanna be with an old loser like me?” He used to put on this sorry poor me act a lot back then.

“Geoff, pull yourself together, man. Lila wouldn’t do that. They’re comin’, don’t be an idiot.”

Lila fell into Will’s arms immediately jumping out of the taxi. As he said something sleazy, like, “Hey, babe,” I was looking at my date: your father. He was anything but my type, but what he did offer me was a night out with my best friend, so you can understand why I gave him a polite chance.

We got to the bar, and I could tell you what happened there, but I’d only be repeating myself.

We were in university. We were young. She was a senior with her eyes on a sunny suburban dream, and I was a sophomore just trying to keep up. She didn’t know, how could she? I was only just finding out then myself.

But I always wondered...

“Did you like him?” she asked me.

It took me a long minute to remember who “he” even was, but I nodded believing that’s what she wanted me to do.

“Will likes Geoff a lot, those two are pretty tight, like us,” she explained. “And wouldn’t it be great if the four of us could like, all get together and live together and be together? We could even raise our kids together!”

The things she said to me! She must have known how our doomed future gutted me, even then.

I knew there was no competing with Will Rowe — that was his name back then, you see. Will was a farmer boy, sweet as pie and loyal as a dog. Lila told him to change his name to “Rose” because she wanted to be known as “Lila Rose” when they got married and moved to Whibley. I guess, looking back, this was when I also decided to marry Geoff and change my name too. Anything for Lila.

Later, or never at all, I remember thinking. I would tell her later when the time was right, or if the time was never right then I would learn to be content with whatever she wanted us to be: friends, neighbours, it didn’t matter as long as I could orbit her world.

Can you imagine a more torturous way to live?

Part-way through the life I told myself I would be okay with, I needed a release. I turned to writing, but one day Geoff had enough, he kicked me out, rightfully so!, because of course I went to Lila, and I told her, we kissed, but she looked so horrified after that I knew it was—

“The end. I never spoke to her again,” Caroline Murphy finished.

“So that’s the Lila story,” her son Allan puzzled.

He's okay, he's okay, he's--

The moment the elevator doors opened, Kathy Rose burst through and ran as fast as she could.

"You're okay!"

"Sorry to scare you, honey."

"I'm just glad you're alright," she said out of breath, smiling and sniffling.

"Eh, well," Will sighed and shrugged at the same time.

"Those are nice." Kathy nodded towards the flowers at her father's bedside.

"Reney put 'em there. You just missed her, she went off to see another patient. Running off her feet tonight, apparently! Poor thing."

"Never stops, huh?"

"So, what happened?" Kathy asked.

"A minor heart attack."

"What!"

"Minor," he repeated. "Just had a couple x-rays done, we'll know more in a bit. Why don't you get something from the cafeteria in the meantime, hm?" Kathy shook her head, but her father insisted. "Then go get me something."

"Okay, sure. What do you want?"

"Doesn't matter. Whatever you find, you'll do fine."

"Okay. I'll be right back."

The cafeteria was barren and quiet, so Kathy wandered into the equally unhelpful hospital gift shop for a while.

She decided a candy bar from the vending machines downstairs was the best choice in the end. Nothing fancy but still fun. She stuffed it in her tight jean pocket and headed back upstairs.

But by the time she walked back to his room--